Thursday, December 24, 2009

I'm Tellin'

On myself that is. I am feeling down in the dumps. I am NOT feeling like drinking, but I am on the verge of tears. This is a common occurrence around Christmas. I know I will get over it. But it still sucks big donkey dick. I lost my dad on December 19th in 1991 and I think that's when it began. I miss the hell out of him. Christmas was non-existent for me until Prince was born in 1997. Now I do it because I HAVE to for him. I put on a happy mommy face for him, but its not how I feel inside. I need to be up for a bit to set up some gifts and do the stocking and then I am going nitey nite and I hope I have some sweet dreams cause I shore could a good one right about now. THERE, now that I dumped that out into the blogosphere I should be good now, right?

Merry Christmas to all.....Queen.....OUT

Monday, December 21, 2009

Ho Ho Ho we got a LOT of Snow~~~

This is the joy on my son's face that I know is in there somewhere. It emerged when he and his cousin (my son from anutha mutha) buried him in the foot and a half of snow we got over the weekend. Oh how I wish I could see this more often.

They had LOTS of fun in the blizzard, so much so that they *forgot* that I had asked them to shovel my very long driveway while I was at work. Bastids. I said thats OK boys, now the UPS guy will look at our driveway and keep on moving. They will not want to, nor do they have to-navigate my unshoveled driveway to deliver THEIR final Christmas gifts. Save me some money.

I have been working, shopping, facebooking, and oh did I mention shopping? I think I bought myself more than anyone else. I got an electric blankie to keep me warm and some memory foam pillows to cuddle up with that will have to suffice since Queenie is still solo and see no change in that situation any time soon. I am SOOOO OK with that. I love being on my own. No one to answer to, no bullshit. AH, this is the life! And I am sober as a newborn baby-what more can a girl ask for?

Y'all have a nice day! QUEEN......OUT

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Promises and SHOPPING!

Your Queen has a problem. Well maybe its not exactly a PROBLEM. You decide. This is what my kitchen table currently looks like.

Yes folks, there IS indeed a table under all of those boxes. It's a mini version of the warehouse. This is what you get when you take the bottle away from THIS alcoholic and give her a credit card. And this is not all of it. Some stuff is back ordered, damn them. I'm shopping like it's my JOB. Well it kind of is this week as I am on vacation. Me and the sis are going out to do some REAL shopping in the morning. As in going to the ACTUAL store and dealing with ACTUAL people. Should be a hoot.

As if this wasn't enough-I hit up Verizon yesterday and got me and the kid Blackberry's. I'm on fire I say, on FIRE! I now know why Paris the douche bag Hilton never leaves home without it. What FUN!

You see now that I'm not all boozed up all the damn time and I actually GO TO WORK everyday, I have a few bucks to spare. It's one of those Promises that AA is always telling us about. Here they are for those of you who may not know about them:

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.


They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83-84

Side note: I just typed out those promises-which is not a big deal-BUT why the hell can't I copy and paste in blogger anymore? ANYONE?

So anyhow---A bunch of these are definately ringing true in Queens life lately and it's just amazing. AMAZING.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Update/This and That~

I haven't been around here too much. I have been thinking about you all and will catch up on your blogs today as I am on VACATION from work. YAY.

Sister is still here, she will be here until whenever. She is welcome to stay forever. She is doing OK despite the fact that she is being labeled the "bad guy" in her children's eyes for "leaving their dad". Yeah, OK.?! They just don't understand the reason(s) why she HAD to leave their daddy. I try to talk to them if they bring it up and they are stuck on "Daddy this, and daddy is that" and that's OK for now. She is safe and someday they will understand.

Prince is doing really well in school. The first report cards should be here this week and I shall see how well he is really doing. He gets up in the morning with no hassles, gets off to school EVERY DAY-without begging to stay home. I get no phone call or emails complaining about his behavior. He does his homework when I ask him. This is a 180 turn from last year and I am damned proud of him. He starts his culinary shop today for the next 4 days. YES culinary. He picked culinary, auto body and IT as his 3 shops that he wants to explore before picking a trade that he will study for the next 4 years. Damn proud I am.

Thanksgiving went well. I cooked my royal ass off and it turned out great. My momma taught me well. It was family and friends here, with no alcohol and no brawls. Imagine that.

Uncle Drunkle showed up on Turkey Day. He was sober as a newborn baby. And has been since his accident and hospitalization. I think God gave that ladder a "nudge" and brought him back to us.

My cousin Glen is finally awake! He is still critical but is awake and has been hospitalized with H1N1 since the beginning of November! He missed his 40Th birthday and Thanksgiving while in his swine flu coma. I truly thank you all for your prayers and kind words during this most difficult time. The prayers are working. God is so good.

I have been a shopping fool. FOOL I SAY! I ended up staying home on Black Friday. Missed my opportunity to make an ass of myself and beat up a bitch for a Zhu Zhu pet at my local Toys R Us. Oh YEA. That's the OLD Queen. See how easy it is to revert back to my craziness. At least I can see that now. I did do a LOT of online BF shopping though. I will be getting packages all week.

I need to clean this dump up so I can put up a damn tree and get through this "holiday" season. I pretty much do it for Prince. If not for him I would SOOOOO not bother with all that BS.

So yea, that's it for now. I need to get my ass to the bank before my Holiday/BF purchases bounce all the way back to the retailers who thought I actually had that kind of money to blow.

Oh-and I did all of this SOBER! QUEEN.........OUT

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Why I "Keep Coming"

Hello friends and cyber family-

I just got off the phone with a young woman from my home group. She was absent from our meeting last night. She relapsed and her boyfriend asked me at the meeting last night to please call her.


To back up a bit, I celebrated 4 years of continuous sobriety yesterday. I went to my regular *best damn meeting in Connecticut* meeting last night. We do a medallion ceremony every week and they did a very special one for me. I was truly touched. But before they got to me they gave out newcomer, 1-2-3-6-9 month, and 1 year chips. There were three female newcomers that got up and got chips. I love it when I see the newbies coming in, but especially the ladies. Ladies that I can reach my hand out to and offer them help. The same help that was offered to me when I came in shakin and quakin, spittin and sputtering. If not for those people, I would not have stuck around and I certainly wouldn't be celebrating anything today. I'd be drunk or dead. Fo Sho!

I went out at break time and this is when my friend approached me about calling his GF who was supposed to give me my chip last night! She was home drinking and trying to leave her home to get more booze. My heart sank. NOOOO!! He took her car to the meeting so she could not drive. He's a great guy with 14 years sober, but even he cannot keep her from a drink. If you are a drunk and you're not ready to stop-there's not much anyone can really do for you. It's all about acceptance and surrender and until I miraculously found it one day four years ago, I could not stop either.

So anyway I called her and she is hitting a meeting that meets 2 doors down from my castle and I will meet her there tonight. She is embarrassed, remorseful, and full of guilt. She wants to jump right back in and I will be there for her. I let her know she was missed last night and that she is loved. I reminded her of what could happen. I asked her if she remembers Jen, our fellow newbie and now dead member. She was my first official sponsee and as hard as I tried to help her, she succumbed to this disease-34 days after we met. Thirty four days after she returned to AA. You can read about her here, here and here. <------ I am feeling all linky as you can see. But I need to remember my time with her and know that this can easily be ME if I choose to drink again. I still believe that my Higher Power brought Jen to me so I could love her for the last few weeks of her life. So she could have a friend to hold her hand while she suffered, to let her know there WAS hope. But it was not to be and she was called home. To that big meeting in heaven I like to think. Even though it turned out for the worst I am so glad I was able to be there for Jen while God was deciding her fate. *I hope to hell there is not booze in heaven. If there is I'm hoping they save a seat for me at that big meeting in the sky.*

So to make a point here, sure there may be days where I don't FEEL like doing to a meeting for whatever lame reason. I don't know who is going to be at the meeting, and maybe I can be of service. There may be someone who needs help and who the hell am I to plop my fat ass in front of my computer or TV and only think about ME. There will ALWAYS be someone at a meeting who needs a hug or some words of encouragement, or maybe they need a big swift kick in the ass. Maybe it's ME who needs this stuff. It can't be given away if I'm not there. THAT my friends is why I "Keep Going". So I am off to a meeting people. If I want to stay sober I have to give back, its as simple as that. Love to you all and stay sober for me tonight, would ya? EXCEPTION-SB, I know you will have a glass of wine to celebrate my sobriety. Cause you're one cool bitch like that! QUEEN......OUT

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Many thanks for all of your kind words and prayers for my cousin Glen. All of the prayers are working as he is getting better a little bit every day. Anything is better than the way he was doing when he first got hospitalized. I feared we were going to lose him, but now I can see definate hope. The power of prayer is amazing.

Today is Prince's 14th birthday! He is growing and maturing quite nicely. He is angry less often these days. Right now he is outside with POS, yes Good Old DADDY. POS actually remembered his birthday this year and brought him a pretty decent gift. He is supposedly not drinking but has no plan, no program. As long as he does right by my son, I don't care what he's got going on.

Today is also MY birthday, my AA birthday! My 4th. Some also call it an anniversary. I will celebrate with my home group at tonights meeting. My anniversary fell smack dab on the same night as my home group meeting, I'll not be waiting for my 4 year chip this year. I will get it today, four years to the day that I surrendered. Four years from the day I decided to accept the fact that I was an alcoholic and to actually do the work it takes to get and stay sober. I thank God each and every day for the gift of another sober day. It has been absolutely amazing and it has been awesome sharing my trials and tribulations with you all here on blogger. When you meet people in meetings you can usually identify with other alkies. I think its kinda neat that we can do the same here in blogger land. I think its so cool how we connect through our common bond of alcoholism/addiction even though most of us have never met on another. Just amazing.

Friday, November 13, 2009

H1N1 hits in Queens family

Yup, I am here to tell you that H1N1 has reared its ugly head in my family. A very young cousin (39) of mine is critically ill right now. Fighting like mad for his life. He became ill late last week and went to the hospital with a fever of 105 on Saturday. They admitted him and put him in intensive care. They tested him and it came back positive for H1N1. He was put on a slew of antibiotics and they still could not get him stable. His kidneys were shutting down. His fever would not come down. As soon as he was stable enough, they flew him to Yale New Haven Hospital and he is now on dialysis and is still critical but is showing teeny signs of getting slightly better.

This man has a great life and a wonderful family. He has three children and a beautiful wife. He IS fighting. He is a strong man. He's got to make it. He just DOES. His family needs him. Please pray for my cousin Glen.

Please my beloved blogger buddies, take the precautions that the officials recommend. Hand washing is a MUST. Hell I wipe down my work area-phones, counters, keyboards-EVERYTHING. Everyday. Before Glen even got sick. This is a SERIOUS virus. Keep yourself and your family safe by doing those simple recommendations that you have been reading about. It could be you or your family in that bed tonight. This virus does not discriminate. Take care friends.....Queen....OUT

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Its been too long since I put my fingers to the keyboard and let y'all know how blessed I am~

I am so grateful that I am no longer in an abusive, alcoholic relationship. I see and hear things around me all the time truly feel for the people who are still "stuck" like I was. There is a way out.

I will celebrate another birthday in AA soon, I am so grateful for this most wonderful program and all of those who came before me.

My son's birthday is the same day as my AA birthday and I think that is the coolest shit EVER. We share a birthday.....WOW

I have a true friend in one of POS sisters. She truly understands me and has stood up for me when needed and for that I thank her.

I still have my job, my home,my son, my car, my LIFE. None of which I would have without AA

I have the RESPECT of my peers and my family. again WOW

I have the best home group ever. If you don't feel the same way about yours-get another one.

I get to go to work tomorrow and earn double time.

Blast O Butter popcorn and Java Chip Frappichino Ice cream. yeah.

I get to go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning now. As opposed to passing out and coming to.

No more guilt and shame. Gone, bye, cya. That is the best I tell you.

You all have an awesome weekend. I know I will.....QUEEN.....OUT

Sunday, November 1, 2009

OK NOW I got something

As some of you may know, I have a few of my relatives living here with me. My sister and her 19 year old daughter. I love them both very much and they both had a bad situation where they came from prior to coming here. I have been practically BEGGING my sister to come here for what is seems like forever. She finally arrived a few months ago and her daughter followed soon after.

So you know your Queen doesn't beat around the bush. I am CONCERNED about my sister (who reads my blog BTW). I am an alcoholic and will soon celebrate 4 years of sobriety (God willing). That's not really very long, and I DO remember where I came from and what I went through to get sober. I make damn sure I remember where I was and how I was feeling that day.

Living here with little sister is like watching a movie of my life before I got sober. She is doing the SAME shit I did, its like looking into the past and I don't like what I'm seeing. I am watching her drink to excess, miss work, and slowly crash and burn JUST LIKE I DID. She does not see that this is a problem. I worry she is going to lose her job. Will that be her bottom? It hurts me to see her go through this and it hurts her children. I don't think anyone other than the alcoholic can say they are one, but she sure is drinking and acting alcoholically. I don't want her to leave, she is always welcome here. But I do know she is suffering and I want to help. I am not going to call in the AA popo or anything drastic like that - but something has got to give here.

If you are an alkie like me and you don't think that you are hurting anyone but yourself, you need to think again. It hurts and affects all of your family, loved ones, your coworkers, EVERYONE around you. I know that when you are in the middle of all that chaos you simply DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I think that's where she is at right about now. She blew off work today because "she didn't feel like dealing with those people today." UM. OK. Been there, done that have a work file six inches thick to prove it. I am so done with booze and the impact it has had on my family. Every one of us six children have some form of this disease. My big brother, (you all remember Drunkle Uncle) just got out of the hospital for drinking related issues. I lost a sister to drug use and alcoholism. ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Our children don't deserve to be brought up in a home with all these goddamn drunks. It's a vicious cycle that need to end.

Little sister, I love you more than you could even imagine. We need to talk sista. Somethings gotta give. Because I feel like I am losing you. So do your children. All of them. There IS a way of life without alcohol that is second to none. Let me help you find it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I got nuthin

To complain about that is! How nice it feels not to have to come in here or anywhere really, and bitch about something that isn't going MY way. How nice not to have to come to this morning and contemplate whether or not I would be gracing my job with my presence. Oh and then there's the lie I would have to tell them about WHY I wouldn't be going in THIS TIME. "I am having trouble with my eyes, I can't see coming in today" HA HA HA. Yea. That kind of fucked up stuff I no longer need to do. I have AA to thank for my sanity today and every day. What a blessing. I am just a happy Queen today.

I found the perfect gift for my son today. His birthday is in a few weeks and I stumbled upon this here item and snatched that shit right up. It is a ONE POUND Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy bar......Actually it is a package of TWO cups, each 8 ounces. ITS HUMUNGOUS! He is going to love it! SCORE!

Thanks for letting me share...QUEEN.....OUT

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Until I fully surrendered, I could NOT stay away from that first drink. I was a sloooow learner and it was not until 13 years after my first rehab in 1992 that I finally put it down. I remember when I came back in 2005, I was still not ENTIRELY ready. I went to meetings regularly, but I was also DRINKING regularly. I do NOT recommend this method to anyone and I try not to mention it around newcomers. Threes nothing like a head full of AA and a belly full of booze. It was agonizing but I persevered and "kept coming" like I always heard and one day it just stuck. Thank you God.

I see people coming in and out of the rooms of AA. Some just go out and never come back. Some are are still out there suffering and some are dead. This is a deadly disease and when I see a fellow AA member out there suffering it not only hurts but it also helps me. It helps me by reminding me of where I will be if I choose to drink again.

I thankfully still have my job and recently I have seen someone from the fellowship (FORMALLY-I suppose) who is ripping us off blind and coming in to return the items for cash. This is someone who asked me to sponsor her and I agreed to do it temporarily. She never called me and the next time I saw her was months later when she came back and got her one year chip. I remember feeling relieved that she was still working her program.

I know her and I feel for her, but I try to intercept the transaction when I see her in the store. I will NOT give her cash. She looks like hell and she doesn't even know who I am. Or maybe she does and just doesn't care. She is back out there and it's incredibly sad.

All I can do is pray for her and others that are out there suffering. They know where to go for help and I hope they make it back safely.

I am grateful for AA and the fellowship. I pray that I will not have to worry about coming back in, but you just never know.

I heard something profound in a meeting last night that I would like to share with you. My friend Peter was sharing and he said "I have never heard of someone going back out there and drinking again that prayed to their Higher Power that morning to keep them from a drink for that day." This man has quite a few 24 hours and I love what he has to say, every time he shares.

You all have a great HUMP day and stay sober with me.....QUEEN....OUT

Monday, October 19, 2009


I had to buy two space heaters for my house, since my heat is off. It's just a matter of someone coming and getting my furnace going and then we will be all set. I hope it doesn't get TOO cold in the meantime, but I got these heaters. They needed a little bit of assembly and my son did it, and he said to me "I'm getting to be quite the handyman, aren't I?" and I said "Well you kind of need to be and you're doing a good job." Then he said "I wish dad was still here, I wish you two were still together" UGH. And I said what I USUALLY say "I'm sorry Buddy" and HE then said "I guess he just had a different plan than we did." How awful insightful of this 13 year old young man, don't you think? He is absolutely right. He is growing and maturing quite nicely and I am so proud of him. I just wanted to share this with you all. He is still hurting and he can verbalize it to me instead of acting out in anger and that my friends is growth. Thank you GOD.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

How Y'all Dewin?

I am doing pretty good. I have been a bit busy, but that's NO excuse for not keeping up here in blogger land. I have been in reading and commenting here and there but I need to get back to regular blogging. I love it here and it is an important part of my recovery and just like my meetings I can't let it just slip away. We all know what complacency leads too. But I am really doing well. Here is a bullet list for ya~

  • I went to an awesome meeting tonight. Cold and rainy but shit that NEVER stopped me from going to the damn packy so off I went.

  • Prince is doing soooo good in school. He is really trying his best. He missed making up a test on Friday after school and he emailed his teacher ON HIS OWN to apologize and reschedule. I didn't even know he knew HOW to do this!! (email)

  • Sister is fine and so is my sweet little (19 yrs old) niece. Its nice to have people around here for a change. At one point today you would have thought it was Christmas with all the relatives that were here. Cool. Really Cool!

  • It actually SNOWED here the other night. And my heat does not work. But we just bundled up and turned on a few space heaters and I had my little shit of a dog to snuggle up with and nobody froze to death.

  • Oh - this one is GOOD. I ran into my FIRST EVER BOYFRIEND in my regular Tuesday night meeting. HA! When I told him who I was he freaked out (in a good way) and he said " I had the BIGGEST crush on you". Ha, well OF COURSE HE DID!

  • My big brother (Uncle Drunkle) is out of the hospital and I am happy to report that he has not had a drink since he was released! YAY. Don't know if he is going to stick with it, but for now this is definitely a good thing and he feels great.

  • I am kinda gettin pissed that for some reason I cannot seem to copy and paste from one blog to another. Anyone else having this problem?

  • The other day I had a button pop off of my jeans. Then, the zipper went on another pair. While I was at WORK. I had to keep hiking up my draws all damn day. It was real attractive. I wish my damn dryer would STOP shrinking all my damn clothes!!! Yea, that's what it must be, THE DRYER. It could NOT be the Blasto-O-Butter popcorn that I consume every freakin day, nope that's not it.

Well you all have a kick ass evening and I will see you soon.....Queen.....OUT

Thursday, October 8, 2009

See I knew I was missed

You love me....You REALLY love me! I knew it! I want to thank Robin at Beans Path for this lovely blog award.

Here's the deal on this prestigious award folks~

The rules are as follows:

Answer the survey below…you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
Alert them that you have given them this award!
Have Fun!
Where is your cell phone?- pocket
Your hair? - "lightening"
Your mother?- hilarious
Your father? – missed
Your favorite food?-all
Your dream last night?-wet
Your favorite drink? icedcoffee
Your dream/goal? – happiness
What room are you in?- living
Your hobby?-facebook (so I'm a LOSER-Whatever)
Your Fear?- Loss
Where do you want to be in 6 years? –alive
Where were you last night? – Home
Something that you aren’t? drunk
Muffins? pastries!
Wish list item? maid
Where did you grow up? southeast
Last thing you did? dishes
What are you wearing? hoodie
Your TV? fabulous
Your pets? outside
Friends? recovery
Your life? content
Your mood? bored
Missing someone? nope
Vehicle? explorer
Something you’re not wearing? pasties
Your favorite store? cvs
Your favorite color? green
When was the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? dunno
One place that I go to over and over? work
One person who emails me regularly? vivvy
Favorite place to eat? any

I'm going to pass this to:

Ann H. at My Magic Nation~because she rocks and has been absent as of late and needs to get her sweet ass back to bloggin.

Farrell at Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost~I pass this on to you dearest Farrell because I can so identify with you and love reading you.

Sarah at Complications of a Perfect Life~I heart you Sarah and am proud of how you are doing with everything that's going on-you are amazing!

Akaannie at Elegant Blessings~An amazing woman, who always writes just what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Love her.

Far From Ordinary at Shes Come Undone~A newcomer to recovery, I visit her often. If you read this dear, I have tried to leave comments but I cannot. A black screen is all I see and it pisses me off! I really would like to comment so if that is something that can be fixed that would be great. We are here to help if we can!

and lastly to Hurricane Rojo at I've Got POOP In My Pocket because I just love her to pieces. AND she totally got me the coolest gift from her vacation this summer and I LOVE PRESENTS! I can be bought people, just so you know.

I hope you all have a great night!! QUEEN....OUT

What my fat ass is up to

I have got to get back to blogging regularly again. God forbid anyone misses any of the importunates of my exciting daily drama. Actually, there has been not so much drama as of late. Which is fricken wonderful. The latest was the Drunkle Uncle saga, and I am happy to tell you he is FINALLY out of the hospital. He got out yesterday and THANK SO MUCH for all your prayers and kind words. I am hoping and praying that he does the right thing for himself, it's all I can do.

How bout a gratitude list to get me going again. It's been too long and I have much to be grateful for~~
  • I had a follow up meeting with Princes new school and they are PLEASED WITH HIS PROGRESS. WHEW! I knew my boy could do it!

  • Drunkle Uncle is home and on the mend. Hopefully he won't be stopping by any liquor stores and time soon.

  • Its fall and I am so glad to have all that hotness go the hell away. Queenie does not like to sweat-unless of course if its during all that hot sex that I still ain't gettin' any of. Dammit

  • Even if there was the sex going on, where the hell would I have it? I have a house full. BUT I am grateful for that as well. I just love my family-I really do.

  • Sister is still here and I am so glad she has stuck it out and stayed here. There's no going back for her now. Thank you GOD.

  • Blasto-Butter Popcorn. Nuff said.

  • The ability to get up and go to work every day, since I don't see anyone busting down the door to pay my bills. Mama need her a sugar daddy.

  • Actually I DON'T need a sugar daddy, I have always been able to support myself and my family. For this I AM grateful.

  • Good meetings and great recovery friends. WE can not do this alone.

  • Iced Coffee. Not that Starbucks shit either. My own home brew is the best!

  • I have actually been thinking about the holidays coming up. I used to DREAD this time of year. Now I look forward to having my family over for holiday dinners-we have the best time. Love them.

  • Good health. For the most part all of us are pretty happy and healthy. This is HUGE.

  • For our troops, God bless them all.

  • Blogger buddies, I read everyone daily. I suck at comments, but I DO enjoy reading y'all

Oh and how could I forget BEJEWELLED BLITZ. Yea, like I need to be sitting here gettin' secretaries ass clickin' away like it's my damn job trying to get to first place every friggin day. Yep, just what my ass needed.

I hope you all have a blessed day...QUEEN....OUT

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Family Disease

So I've been a bit busy lately. I am so sick of alcoholism, I've said it before and I'll say it again-It sucks big donkey dick. It just does. It's once again rearing its ugly head in one of my loved ones. My big brother (Uncle Drunkle) is currently in the hospital ICU suffering from alcohol withdrawal. He got there by falling off a ladder on Saturday and has been there since. In and out of the ICU. His head injury that he suffered as a result of his fall are the least of his worries right now. They can't seem to get his blood pressure under control because he is detoxing.

When he was being treated in the emergency room, I had a chat with my little brother and my roomie sister. I started out by saying we all know Uncle Drunkle drinks like a fish. The next think I know, my little brother says "Oh geez, we all know this and we know how far you've come Denise but do we really have to go into that NOW?" I could have slapped him silly at that point. He went on for a minute or so and I asked him if I could finish what I was going to say. What I was going to (and finally did) tell them is that we have to worry about alcohol withdrawal since he's going to be hospitalized for a while. If the hospital doesn't know he is an alcoholic, they can't treat him and it is DANGEROUS. He could DIE just from that, never mind the major bump on his head. Lil Bro apologized and agreed this was certainly something we should mention to the hospital.

So here we are a few days later and he IS indeed suffering from alcohol withdrawal (I DID mention it to a nurse, they already knew!). He is in the Intensive Care Unit and is getting the best care possible. I worry more about when he is released. Is he going to hit a packy and get a six pack and a pack of cigs? I hope not, but it is very likely. I will certainly give him all the support he wants or needs but he does have to want it. He knows I am in recovery, he jokes about it every time he sees me. But to me it is not a joke. He is only a few years younger than my dad when my dad passed away. From heart and respiratory disease-brought on by booze and cigarettes. Same thing, different generation. I don't want to lose my brother, but if he continues this way of life, he is going to suffer the same fate as my father. I can't imagine life without my big brother. He is every ones favorite uncle in my family. All of the kids just love him to pieces. But they too will be crushed if we lose him to this disease.

So when all of my friends here say their prayers, and I know you all do-please include Uncle Drunkle. Pray that this is the wake up call that he needs to begin a new life free from alcohol. I love you guys, and appreciate the prayers........Queen......OUT

Thursday, September 24, 2009

T minus 56 minutes

I finally called the Dr. Good drugs, they are a ' comin'. Taken as prescribed of course!


You know what I want? What I really want?

I want someone to take care of my sick ass. I been down and out about a week and it's gettin' old. I want someone to bring me some really good meds - you know something to make me forget how effin sick I really am. Someone to bring me some goddamn soup. Someone to pick up around here while I'm busy hacking up a lung. Someone to care about me, really care. Care enough to just do what's needed to baby my sorry ass into healthiness. I don't think thats too much to ask. I really don't. waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaa...... QUEEN.....OUT

Monday, September 14, 2009

This and That-Update

Here's a bit of an update since I have been suckin at blogging lately.

  • I apologize for sucking lately. I know how I sit on the edge of my chair waiting for all of every one's updates and I'm SURE you have all been the same waiting on the Queen. Yea, something like that. HA!

  • Secondly, I want to let you know that my son is doing FANTASTIC in school. You know, the one where the spec ed department thought was too difficult for him after THE FIRST DAY. Yes, that one. He is doing FINE and really likes it. Sons-a-bitches.

  • Sister is still here, oh and her daughter is here too!!! haha. My niece is 19 years old and is a sweetie and she was having a hard time where she was living, so I have another house guest! WOOHOO. I think. LOL

  • I haven't been to a meeting in about a week and a half and I NEED to go, in fact-I'm gonna finish this and go make a coffee and head out to one tonight.

  • I am not gonna drink, but if I keep this shit up, well the statistics and the beaten down people I see when I DO go to meetings who went back out for more don't lie. I don't want, nor do I need that bullshit in my life again. Oh, HELL NO.

  • If Prince keeps dissin me he will be going to a very special know the one where they lock em in at night-JUST Sayin'.

  • Prince and my nephew (my son from anutha mutha) think lighters are cool and keep stealing them from me. I steal em right back, cause they are to stupid to hide them good enough. Oh, they also think swearing is OK. I do NOT like this age. It suck big ole donkey dick.

  • With that, my friends-I am off to my meeting. QUEEN......OUT

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Second Chance

I had the emergency meeting (requested my me) at my son's school yesterday afternoon. He is going to be allowed/permitted to stay and will be provided with the proper supports that he needs to be successful in their school. It wasn't as easy as that sentence make it sound. I have been doing research online and visiting with a parent advocacy organization that is located 10 minutes from my house. I haven't slept much since August 28th, the day of the fateful meeting. I could do THEIR jobs for them right now, I am so well informed now. I tried to go in to that second meeting without resentment but there WAS a tad I must admit. I bit my tongue a few times, and got a bruised rib or two from the therapist sitting to the left of me when I did not. But in the end the principal of the school said she based her decision on what I had to say and what his therapist said about him.

I think it is a testament to Alcohol Anonymous that I was able to get through this ordeal successfully. First of all without AA I would not be a SOBER mom. I hate to think what it would have been like for the OLD DENISE to have to go in there and fight for my sons rights. Second, AA has given me the tools to communicate what I need or want in a responsible manner and has taught me that it is Gods will that will ultimately prevail. I don't think I can remember praying so hard for anything in a very long time.

Prince wants this in a HUGE way and now he has a fair shot. He knows what is at stake. The principal had a conversation with him after the meeting and he tolerated it well. She handled it(prince) extremely well. She wanted to make it clear to him what to expect in this school (its a tech high school) and what is expected of him. She also told him that they are there for him and want him to succeed, but ultimately it is up to him.

All in all, it was a fabulous day and I slept like a baby. Now I'm up at the crack to see that Prince gets off to school. Guess what, he is up and showered and 100 % ready almost 2 hours before school starts. He is ready to show them he can do this. Amen! QUEEN....OUT

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease

Isn't that what "they" say? I have been on the internet all weekend looking into the special education laws in my state. I am educating myself because I must. I must be an advocate for my son. It's what we as parents do. Well, it's what I do anyway. I feel the school was wrong in sooo many aspects of what went down the other day. Now I KNOW they were. I wrote emails over the weekend to various members of the school. I requested an emergency meeting. I requested a copy of Princes school records. I heard NOTHING today. That is UNTIL I wrote a letter to the State Department of Education and let them know that I know what Princes rights are and I did not want to have to go all legal on them if I didn't have to. Not to worry, I said it in a very professional way. I used the help of a very informed and helpful parent advocate. Unfortunately, she and many others have been in the same situation and have had to fight for their children's rights. I got an IMMEDIATE (20 minutes) response. A phone call from the woman who made the decision to remove my son from his new school.

I have my emergency meeting on Thursday and more importantly Prince CAN RETURN TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. This is a victory indeed. BUT, I still have a fight on my hands. I will have to convince them that he can succeed in their program albeit with accommodations that were agreed upon at a prior meeting with the new school. Prince needs to be on his BEST behavior when he returns. Or it is all for naught. I certainly hope not, but he is pretty excited to be going back. He has NEVER been excited about any aspect of school before. He has been asking me since this happened, "Mom, when can I go back." It's heartbreaking. Yea, he screwed up. He is a child with emotional disturbances. You'll have that. But he knows that this is it. If he truly wants this then he needs to act like it. I have been praying on it constantly.

I know they will be watching him like hawks. I pray that he can keep it together enough to pass their trials. It's not over though. His behavior until Thursday's meeting is a HUGE part of it. I have had the talk with him and he knows this. Then there is the meeting on Thursday, one in which we will determine what accommodations he will need and if they can provide them(by law they must, I know this cause Iz edu-muh-kat-did). There will be the determination by the administration whether or not they still want to send him to our local high school. But if they do decide this, they know Queenie ain't scerred and will fight them tooth and nail. Cause that's what kind of Mom I am. QUEEN......OUT

P.S. I am still sober(thank you God), when I am through fighting for my kids rights I will blog about that more!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

So Let The Battle Begin

I had a PPT meeting at my princes new school on Friday. The first day of school was on Thursday. This meeting was scheduled a few weeks ago and at the time I thought *wow* they are really on the ball up there, wanting to get started on the right foot. I was excited to get to that meeting and get this chapter of his high school career started. Now by my last post you can see that my prince did not have the best of first days. Apparently there was an incident that included swearing. It was over quickly and prince regained his composure on his own and that was it. When prince got home he was GUSHING with excitement over his first day at school. You need to know that this has NEVER happened. He went on and on about everything he did and saw and about everything he wanted to accomplish. He was even saying how he wanted to stay after school and work out in the gym and start to get into shape. He was so excited and I was happy for him. School has been very difficult for him for as long as I can remember. The next morning he got up on his own, dressed and hit the street to catch his bus as I was just getting up for the day! He was THAT excited.

Cut to PPT meeting the following morning. I arrive at the school and am escorted down to the meeting room by the Special Ed Department head of the school. The door opens and there they all are. All of the administrators and-oh who is that over there, oh that would be MY SON. My bipolar, severely depressed w/anxiety disorder son. Greaaaaaaaat.

I should tell you that the student is always invited to join in these types of meetings. My son usually opts out. He later told me that he was not asked, he was just taken out of class and brought down there. We begin this meeting and I can tell that he does NOT want to be there. He started getting nasty and there was MORE swearing and he was pretty much removed and put in the next room.(with supervision). Prince does NOT DO WELL with strangers and especially when these strangers are gathered around a conference room table discussing HIM.

So to make a long story short, the administrators that were present in that meeting came to the conclusion that they were not equipped with the resources that my son needs and they recommend that he be sent back to our local high school. They did not even want him to finish that day. I had to take him home and TELL him that he was not welcome back. We both cried and he is crushed. I have been on suicide watch ever since. He said to me, "Mom , this was the best thing that ever happened to me and now I just want to die."

I had him write a letter of apology to the school for his behavior in the meeting. I have also requested an emergency PPT. I feel that they are discriminating against him because of his disability and I will fight for him. I am his mother and his advocate and will fight with all my might for him to be given a chance to prove that he can make it. I think that one day and 2 class periods is not enough of a chance to prove that he can indeed succeed in their school. Wish me luck in this battle. I am just sick over this and I have been reading up on his rights as a disabled individual and they are clearly in the wrong. I just hope I have what it takes to take them on. I'm going to try my damnedest. Queen....OUT

Thursday, August 27, 2009

NOT a Good Sign

Day ONE: Email from the guidance counselor-

Today is the orientation I was telling you about yesterday. He will be touring with the same group all day, so the schedule won’t be a problem. If it is, he will be given a new copy. Prince did have trouble doing some of the group activities. He put his head down and when the teacher asked if he was okay he said (my words) that he was uncomfortable doing that type of activity. I gather there was some swearing. I went to meet Prince so he would know me before tomorrow’s meeting. He was not eager to talk to me, which is not surprising, and asked if he could go continue the tour with his group. When I saw him later he was talking to the teacher about a class and seemed okay.

Ms. Berube and I will see you for the PPT tomorrow. I look forward to meeting you. Let me know if you have any concerns.

Amber Stolz

Holy detention batman, its gonna be a loooooong year....

It's The Most WONDERFUL Time Of The Year

Well it IS for most parents. Today is the first day of high school for my prince. Yea that's what I'm going to call him from now on. He needed a nic and that is what it's gonna be. I just saw him get on the bus for his first day. He was actually in a GOOD mood. He was up and showered while I was still having nightmares of how horrific today will be. But then I woke up and saw that he was up and running and dressed in his new uniform and he gave me NO GRIEF whatsoever. Excuse muah for not being overly excited about this because I know all mornings will not be this good. BUT ITS A GOOD START! Especially for my boy. There truly IS a GOD. I have missed blogging, it's been over a week. I will check back in later and let y'all know how the day goes! QUEEN..........OUT

Monday, August 17, 2009

Back in My Castle

Yer Queen is back home from our mini vacay in Lake George. It was bootyful. They scenery was nice but my son was NOT. I hate to say it like that but dammit if I mouthed off and talked to my mother like he did to me I would be wearing my teeth on the back of my scull. We got our asses beat. Oh yea. And guess what? WE DESERVED IT! There were six children and I don't blame that woman (Mom) for whipping out the paddle when needed. But my friends, it is a new age. We are not allowed to "beat" our children these days. How do I know this? Oh, because MY SON TOLD ME SO! haha.

Son: "If you slap me then I'LL call the police!"
Me: "Here gimme that phone, I'll dial it for ya."
Son: "Nice."
Me: "Then when they get here they can take you away to the land of the foster children, you know the ones that live in a basement and have never heard of Pokemon or ice cream."

Son is only 13. Son is diagnosed clinically depressed with anxiety disorder. Oh AND he is bipolar. And he's 13! I know this is just the beginning of my hell. Oh, AND I am a recovering alcoholic and can't drink over it. DAMMIT.

TO BE CONTINUED: I have to go to the store and get devil child some fruit. There's no ice cream in this castle for misbehaving children. I am such a mean Mom.

Ok I'm back. I went to the store that I spent 8 hours working in today to get the above mentioned fruit and other odds and ends. Like yogurt - and wheat bread. Things that my son needs to get used to eating. He is on 3-going on 4-different meds. One of them makes him crave carbs. He eats NON-STOP. He is gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. So I need to be diligent about what I bring in this house for food. I have been buying healthier food since we got back. A lot of our arguments on vacay were over FOOD. He wanted it constantly. I feel for him. He really cannot help his appetite right now. I know it's driven by the frigging meds he is taking. But its FRUSTRATING to say the least.

Moving on. I received a call from the AA hotline tonight. Someone was in need. I am ashamed to say I ALMOST didn't answer it. I hesitated. Then I remembered that I gave the hotline my number to help another sick and suffering human being. Someone was there for me when I needed help. This is what we do. We pass it on. The last time I got a call from the hotline I ended up talking to someone who wanted me to be their personal driver to get to meetings. I'm pretty sure that's not what the hotline is intended for. So I answered it tonight and was given a number to call. A woman needed someone to talk to. She was drunk as a skunk. Big surprise there! I am going to call her in the morning and possibly pick her up for a meeting tomorrow evening.

She is someone who has been sober for different lengths (years) of time, but thought she could handle "controlled" drinking. Does that sound at all familiar to any of my alkie friends out in blogland? It sure sounded familiar to me! I spent 13 years "controlling" my drinking after my first attempt at sobriety (first rehab) before I finally got sober this time. Oh and what a grand 13 years it was. I had a few realtionships-one which was abusive (POS) I fell off a deck and broke my neck (drunk, of course!) had a baby, lost both parents and a sister, and somehow survived it all. I am grateful to be able to be here to tell you that I got past all that and then some. Lord knows I should have been dead a long time ago. But I am not. I am alive and well, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Oh, and God. QUEEN.....OUT

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

This and That

Wow I haven't written in a week and yet I don't have much to say. Hmmmm. Actually it's 2:39 am and I am packing for my trip to Lake George. The photo above shows the beauty I will be soaking in in just a few short hours! I should be sleeping but nooooooo. I am wide awake sweating my ass off smoking like a chimney doing laundry for the trip.

Its weird but my sister and I have been taking turns pulling all nighters. Sometimes its both of us. We just cannot sleep. The weather here JUST turned sticky and humid so that's not the problem. The evenings here have been perfect for sleeping until now.

I kinda sorta reconnected with one of POS sisters today. We have not communicated for about 5 years or so. At all. My son has been seeing her children at another aunts house. He asked me last night if he could go over their house and we set it up and I brought him over today. I ended up staying with him and we had a good time catching up. My only regret is that I did not officially make amends to her. There were kids everywhere and I never really got to speak to her alone. It really bothered me later that I did not make it a priority and "git er done". I will be sure to do it the next time I see her.

My sons sister has been posting wedding pics on her facebook page. The latest batch had a pic entitled "my family". I will give you ONE guess who was NOT INCLUDED in this lovely family photo. I am soooo glad my son does not have a facebook. Seeing this pic with my son excluded justified what I have been saying all along. They just don't give a rats ass about him. All the other players were in it. I am pretty much done with big sister. My son DID say to me " I don't think they want me to come over anymore". He is figuring it out on his own and I will help him deal with it as best I can. He has a mental illness and I think they just don't know (or don't want to)how to deal with it. They way they treat him you'd think he had think he had bubonic fucking plague.

So anywhooo.....I am going to go finish packing. jeNN if you want to hook up EMAIL ME DAMMIT. I think my email is on my profile. I will be back on Friday night. You all be good now. Have an awesome sober week, I know I'm gonna! QUEEN.......OUT

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Post # 100

Well ladies and gentleman, I'd like to thank all my faithful followers and stalkers alike (ya- -I WISH) for hanging on with me as I ride this sometimes rocky journey of mine. Rocky as it is at times, it is a walk in the park compared to the old road I was on. I have enjoyed this online part of my recovery. I welcome all comments and opinions. It's amazing to me that some of the people like myself, who have been to hell and back through the years of abusing ourselves with alcohol and drugs, give the best advice you could ever get. It is greatly appreciated and I am so grateful that I have found this online recovery community.

What else am I grateful for?

I am grateful for the new attitude and new outlook I now have in life.

I am grateful for getting through last week without verbally or physically injuring former family members for the way that they treated my son.

I am grateful that I am FINALLY letting go some of that ANGER and RESENTMENT that I felt towards some people last week. OH ITS STILL THERE, but it lessens each and every day the more I pray for it to be lifted.

I am grateful that I had an awesome meeting at my home group tonight. GUESS WHO gets to lead the meeting for the next 3 months? Yours Truly.

I WAS NOT grateful for having to lead the meeting and did NOT want to attend tonight. HOWEVER, I was grateful once the meeting was over and it went without a hitch. WHEW.

Blast-O-Butter Popcorn.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to GO ON VACATION next week! We are heading to Lake George, NY. Any suggestions on good lodging would be welcomed and appreciated. Either that or I throw a dart at my monitor and that's where the Queen shall lay her head for the week.

I am grateful that you all didn't RUN FOR THE HILLS when you read the craziness in last weeks posts.

You all have a kick ass evening. I know I will. QUEEN......OUT

FYI-I hit spell check and they were NO MISSPELLINGS found. Maybe there IS hope for those old bruised and battered brain cells.

Friday, July 31, 2009

What can make a Queen feel better???

Oh I know~~

Food and SHOPPING !!! YAY!!!

I'll let y'all know how that works out for me when I return. Hee hee.

Seriously though folks your comments on my recent post(s) - OK RANTS have made me feel so much better about this whole ex- family bullshit. You all are some smart mo fo's I'll give kudos where they are much deserved. You all made me feel so good that I'm about to head out and SHOP my ass off and maybe get me some of that yummy Jolly Time Blasto Butter popcorn I love so much.

You are all the shit, don't let anyone tell you any different. Queen....OUT

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Pissed again.....

Why must people be so fucking stupid and insensitive? Anyone???

My ex *step daughter*(Lucy) is in town for her wedding. They arrived here in town on MONDAY. Today is THURSDAY. The day before the wedding. They have NOT TRIED TO CONTACT my son at all. These my friends are some fucked up people. When Lucy and her baby left to move to Chicago in January my son was CRUSHED, devastated. She knows this. Lucy and I have discussed this. The baby was only a year old when they left. His first and only niece. Yet they arrive here in town and don't even call him to come and see her. I am beyond pissed.

So I call the Aunt from Hell (POS sister/not his NICE sister my BFF) today and ask her if my son can go with them to the wedding so I know he has a SAFE car to ride in. I specifically ask her EACH AND EVERY TIME he visits over her house not to let my son in any motor vehicle that POS or his new lady friend are driving. It is not a catty thing it is about safety. They are both active alkies and she is a third off the fruit rack as far as I can tell. Not that I don't have my own issues, but I don't know this new person and I am the mom and they should respect my wishes.

Aunt from Hell proceeds to say sure he can have a ride, and can he come over tonight because we are having a barbecue/rehearsal dinner thing. Now I KNOW that if she never heard from me today, my son would NOT have received an invite for tonight. That is part of why I am livid. He should have been called DAYS AGO to be able to visit with his Lucy and the baby. That is how NORMAL, CIVILIZED people do things. I am civil with these people for my sons sake but let me just say at times like these yer Queen could just flip the fuck out on all of them. I won't but I want to. They have no regard for peoples feelings at all. A 13 year old's feelings. It makes me ill.

So Aunt from Hell proceeds to tell me that I need to give POS a chance. As in let him drive him. I say uhhh NO. He has been sober like a minute and a half maybe and that is so not long enough for me to be giving him a chance WITH MY SONS LIFE for fucksake. Again I say, what the FUCK is wrong with people. I thought about it later, but I should have asked her if she would let HER SON in a car that he was driving. I know she would not. Then she went on to say "Well maybe he is afraid you will call the police on him" WHAT? I responded "Well the only time I have called them in the past is if he was punching me in the face or had his hands around my neck." I called the po po when I was getting the shit beat outta me you stupid bitch is what I wanted to say. What a dumb bitch. And this is the sister of his that I thought had a lick of fucking sense.

I just don't get people that can't understand normal thinking. My son KNOWS that they are here in town. I KNOW it hurts him that he hasn't been called. We have not discussed it because: A. He has not brought it up. B. I don't want him to hurt any more than he already is, so I don't want to bring it up right now. and C. I'm too pissed at those insensitive assholes to have this conversation with him.


I'm going to a speaker commitment at the men's treatment center again tonight. It will get me out of the house and get my mind off of this bullshit and hopefully will help me to remember the good stuff I have to be grateful for. QUEEN.....OUT

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I've Come To The Conclusion That....

  • I have been ridiculously obsessing and getting pissy about a wedding that will be FULL of people that I wouldn't want my worst enemy stuck to have to sit down and eat, drink and be merry with.

  • That although I still carry the hurt about the ex stepdaughter, I have done all that I can to make amends and it's on her (and God) now. It's out of my hands. Whew.

  • I cannot send my son to the wedding in the tie-dyed *wife-beater* t-shirt that I wanted too. Dammit.

  • If you are going to take a COMMITMENT(as in service work/or job within your home group) in Alcoholics Anonymous then make sure to FOLLOW THROUGH with it! (you KNOW what they say about half measures, right?)

  • I have the best home group ever. If you don't feel the same way about your home group, maybe you should look around for another one. Just a suggestion.

  • Putting down that effin drink was the best decision I have ever made.

  • I am hopelessly addicted to *bejeweled blitz* on facebook and may start my own 12 step program for myself and others.

  • My sister made the right decision when deciding to come and live with yours truly. I have not seen her this happy in who knows when. This in turn makes me happy.

  • Little sister and I are being compared to Oscar and Felix from the Odd Couple and not only is that hilarious, but it is 100% TRUE. Go ahead, guess which one I am! HA

  • Sister and I have the best time together. Especially late at night. Like really late. We we doing this last night while going through my underwear drawer. Yes, my underwear drawer. We found everything from grandma panties all the way through a thong that says *eat me* on the front. IT was the shit until my son walked in on us acting like a couple of teenagers. It was FUN I TELL YOU!

  • That I REALLY need to go through that drawer and weed out all the *inappropriate* underthings. HAHA. Or NOT.

Well y'all, its been a hoot and a half but Queens gotta go, QUEEN......OUT

Monday, July 27, 2009

Thanks for the input friends...

I want to thank you all for the advice and suggestions for my wedding gift dilemma issue. To give or not to give. I do or I don't! HA! Well I have made my decision and also have come to the conclusion that you are all WAYYYY more kind than I am. That being said this is what I have decided. I am giving the happy couple a bible Holy Bible: King James Version, White Padded Bonded Leather, Family Faith and Values. I think it is PERFECT and I thank Heather for the suggestion
About the book:
Description: This edition is a marvelous way to pass on a legacy of faith to a new generation. Designed specifically to encourage families to worship together, it makes a splendid gift for bridal showers, weddings, special occasions, or holidays.


Because I am a real bargain shopper oh - and a real TWAT at times - I also got them THIS
Hey at least its not a Chia Pet or a nose hair trimmer.
Progress not perfection, right? riiiiiiight. QUEEN.....OUT

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Wedding Gift Dilemma/Etiquette

Miss manners I am not-I bet you never would have guessed that huh? I need to know how you all feel about this kind of dilemma I am in. As I said in my last post <-- my sons sister is getting married in a week. He is invited to the wedding, I was being considered (pending approval from POS). I ended up telling her to have a nice wedding and don't bother asking POS. Even if he did APPROVE I would have felt uncomfortable there anyway. So I will not be there. I did not get an official invite. Even if I did get an invite, I don't think I would have attended. Therefore I don't think I am obligated to get her a gift.

Am I being too harsh here? I don't think so. She will be lucky if her dad (POS) flips her MAYBE $50.00. That is a BIG maybe. Had I been invited, she would have received a very generous gift-whether I attended or not. I am gonna blow my own horn here and tell you that I can be a very generous person and she knows this. BUT, for someone who chooses to invite a person who will probably spend more time at the bar then at the reception-I don't fucking think so. Sure I am hurt, but I keep going over this in my head and I don't think it is appropriate to have to send a thoughtful, generous gift if you were not officially invited. I have a gift for the baby to give her when she gets here. It is a beautiful painting by Kim at Small Words (check her out-her work is amazing). Here is a pic of it below. Thanks again Kim, I love it!

I hook them up at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. I RARELY get a thank you for any of it. I chalked it up to all the crap I did to her when I was a mean ass drunk. All words, really mean-awful stuff. I have made amends. I have cleaned my side of the road and have kept it clean since.

So we all know that drunks and addicts are the experts on etiquette. What the hell should I do? If I do not send a gift-it will look like I am pissed because I didn't get invited. That is partly true. But I barely have a relationship with these people anymore other than dropping my son off to visit her whenever she is in town. Tell me - What would YOU do?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pour me

Oh for chrissake, I got a bad case of the poor Me's again. I spoke with POS daughter (my sons step-sister) on the phone today. She is getting married here in town on Friday the 31st. Of course my son is invited, but I was waiting to see what they were going to decide about me. HAHA. I have made amends with - oh gee what shall we call big sister - how about Lucy. I love Lucy. hehe. No seriously, she was the very first person I made amends with when I got sober. She never lived with POS and I but she was his daughter and for the most part I was good to her. Her dad NEVER was. He still isn't. Towards the end of my drinking career I was awful to her. Mostly to piss off POS. Oh, the stupid shit we do when we are active.

Lucy has a beautiful one year old child now and is marrying the baby daddy. Cool, I guess. Don't get me goin' on marriage(I would tell her to take the baby and RUN!). So I made my amends and she accepted which was great and now we have a relationship but not the best and not as close as it once was. I called Lucy tonight because the wedding is next week and I need to know what to dress my kid in. So we got to talking and she started talking about why I had not received an invitation. She has to talk to POS first to make sure he is OK with it. He has a GF and she will probably be there and yada, yada, yada. Here is MY take on this. I think it is HER wedding and she can invite anyone she wants. I think she wants me there but doesn't want to risk her dad pulling any crap with me. Oh the other hand, this "man" has had NOTHING to do with her since day one unless either myself or another relative forced him to. He was just as bad a "father" to her as he is to my son. He is still bad and she thought once she had her daughter he would come around. Oh no silly girl, even grandchildren don't out rank booze.

I don't think he should have the "power" to make any decisions about this wedding, of course that is just my opinion and I did not tell Lucy that. What I did tell her was, do NOT worry about ME-just have the best wedding day ever. I will dress up the kid, drop him off and pick him up when its all over. I don't want to be the cause of any unnecessary drama or awkwardness. I wish her well. But it still hurts like hell.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Damn Near Perfect Day Off

I had a great day. Every day I wake up instead of coming to is a blessing. Thank you AA. Thank you God.

I was off from work today. I slept in. I LOVE sleeping in. I am NOT one of those early riser crazy people. Oh HELL no. I love my sleep and if you are anywhere near me when I am aslumber (yes, this is a real word-I JUST made it up) you better not poke this sleeping bear. Trust me.

OK so then I go to my doctors appt and all is well there. Everything is where its supposed to be and working just fine. Perfect.

Then I take my son to his dreaded counseling session. He is 13. He is bipolar. He is hormonal. He is a little shit. Can you see that in your head? Use your imaginations people. I would not want to be a counselor for children, no thanks. This woman who counsels him is a saint. I would want to slap all the mouthy children, which is why I work in a grocery store and not at the doctors office. Not that I slap kids around in the grocery store, but I get to watch other people slap each other around. I KID! Relax. Although, I do get to watch and hear some pretty crazy stuff.

So THEN I come home for a bit and go to a meeting. It's out of state, we had a speaking commitment so ROAD TRIP. It went really well and I got to hear 3 people from my home group that I had never heard before. They all sounded so good. I have slacked off on meetings in the last 2 weeks or so, and I know where that leads. So needless to say I will be picking up on the meetings. It was so good to see everyone tonight. I miss them when I don't see them a few times a week AT LEAST. They are like family, they really are.

Oh and speaking of family~My sister came with me tonight. Perfect first meeting for her. Speaker and out of town. Perfect. I think she enjoyed it, but I know she still enjoys her wine as well. Which is fine, when she is ready I am sure that AA will be there. She is doing really well. She is doing for HERSELF a little bit and she is smiling a lot. I love her to pieces and it warms my heart to see her happy. I know she is going through a lot right now. I have been EXACTLY where she is right now. Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, it still hurts like hell when you have to make a life change like she has. Its damn hard. She is a strong lady and I intend to be here for as long as she needs me. Have I told you how much I love her?

I need to go, gotta get some sleep. I hope you all have a blessed evening. Sweet dreams peeps.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Gratitude-Long Overdue

  • I can't even express here how thrilled I am to finally have my sister here with me.

She is finally free.

I hope and pray that she can be strong and stay focused on what she needs and wants-because if Mama is not happy-nobody is!

I am happy that my son let his walls down and hung out with some children today. I visited family today with both boys and my son was sociable and SMILING today.

I am grateful for my job and all of the freedom I have in the workplace. My job somehow survived through some awful years of my active alcoholism. I am a very lucky girl indeed.

I have some pretty neat people in my life who I am getting to know again. You know - now that I am not living around in that damn bottle anymore. That is cool as hell.

*I left off here the other night, so here is my gratitude continued.....

Good Health-I went to the doctors today and all is well for the most part. BP good, weight not so good. More exercise blah blah blah....Scheduled my mammogram for tomorrow. I been praying for someone to play with the girls but this is just ridiculous.

I went to get my blood work done today and they told me I needed to fast for 12 hours. When I got there it had been like 16 hrs and they told me that was too long. I am not grateful for this, but I thought it was hilarious that someone told me that I had to eat something. Go figure.

My clean home-thanks to my wonderful sister WHO NEVER STOPS tidying up. Not that there's anything WRONG with that. She is a Godsend. We are good for each other. I am truly blessed.

I am grateful that I found an item that has been missing for a few days. I found it IN THE TRASH. How did it get there? I have NO IDEA. Did I mention that it was a CHECK in the amount of $800.00? Thank you GOD.

For being *normal*. HAHA. I just had a friend call me and wants me to go to a speaker commitment with her tonight. She wants to go but wants someone NORMAL to go with. So she calls ME?? HAHAHAHA. Silly woman.

I am grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Both in real life and here online. It is a miraculous program for people such as myself who could not stop drinking on their own. It is a we program and without those who came before me I wouldn't be where I am today. Oh I am still a screwed up individual-but its a work in progress. A little progress each day. Progress not perfection. That's for damn sure, at least for me.

That is all for now. Be well my blogger buddies. QUEEN......OUT

Saturday, July 18, 2009

It's a Happy Time/Its a Sad time

I hope everyone out there is happy joyous and free. I know I certainly am. I have been for 1339 days now and I am just amazed about that. Amazed I say. A big thanks to my Higher Power for giving me the strength and courage I need each and every day to get me through it sober once again. Amazing.

I have posted here about my sister in the past. You can read past posts here and here. She is FINALLY HERE living under my roof. She is so happy yet sad at the same time. She is happy to be out of the relationship that she was in but she is sad because her children are crushed. She has 3 children and the youngest is having a hard time with the whole situation. This is the kid I always refer to as my other son on here now and then. He is a great young boy and he is going to be OK. Today is only day one. She has received many texts and calls from her kids and she gets upset when she communicates with anyone that decided to stay behind. She has made up her mind and I pray that each day the pain lessens for her. She has put up with so much in the past 22 years and she deserves to be happy, joyous and free!!

So that's my good news for the day. She has been a cleaning fool and my house will be it tip-top shape in no time. Hell she worked on the living room today and after about 5 minutes I turned around and it looked like a different room! She is GOOD. We got a good laugh over that and there will be many more to come. I need to stock up on depends. Its going to be a laugh your ass off until you pee yourself kinda time until she gets her affairs in order and gets an apartment of her very own. *Please God, don't let her change her mind*. The guilt is already wreaking havoc on her. So until we chat again, be well my cyber drunks.......QUEEN.......OUT

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My Big Sister

This beautiful lady is my big sister Marilyn. Sadly we lost her to addiction and alcoholism 9 years ago today. She struggled her whole life with this disease until a methadone overdose put her out of her misery. She was one of those that just could not "get" it. Not from lack of trying. She was in and out of programs, rehabs, meetings, institutions and the list goes on. I miss her terribly and think of her often. I hope she is at peace now. Her struggle and untimely death are a constant reminder for me to continue on my journey in recovery. But for the Grace of God go I. Queen.....OUT

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Cry For Help

I was leaving my office today when a customer stopped me and asked me if I had a minute. This wasn't just any customer, this was a lady from my past-someone I have seen in the store on many occasions. I didn't think she knew or should I say remembered me. We met in 1992 when we were both in treatment for alcoholism (my very first stab at recovery). I have seen her shopping in my store numerous times and I assumed she just didn't remember me. Well come to find out she does. We sat down and she asked me if I remember her. I told her of course I do. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing fine. She asked me again-"You know what I mean, HOW are you doing, with - well - you know what I mean." I knew what she meant. Was I still sober. I told her I was doing good with almost 4 years clean. She told me she has never stopped using. Sigh. I always saw her and assumed she was doing alright and did not want to approach her for anonymity reasons and I was after all always at work when I saw her. I gave her my phone number and told her to use it anytime. She gave me a BIG hug right there in the middle of the hustle and bustle of our busy store. She absolutely made my day. I feel best when I am helping another sick alcoholic and I think that God put her back in my life for a reason. Maybe some time working with her and not thinking about POOR ME is just what I need. That AND a piece of ass. Or am I asking too much here?
You all have a good night, and thanks for your kind words after my last whiny post. Queen....OUT