~Gratitude~

Today I am grateful for:

• having God back in my life-


• having relatively good health, now if I could just "make the decision" to stop smoking...


• being able to let go and let God


• my son. In many ways, that kid has saved my life~


• my sister, I love her to pieces and wish her nothing but the best.


• for patience ~ that I have been able to hold back and not kidnap her from her hell. I know she will "make her decision" when the time is right.


• my awesome job, and the support of my coworkers.


• my new girlfriends in AA, boy when we drunks clean up there's some pretty darn cool people under all that mess!


• being willing and able to help those that want and need it.


• I am happy to be sober and available for my son and his needs. I see much improvement and that is truly a miracle.


• that I'm able to recognize these miracles happening all around me.


• that these miracles are happening to ME and I kinda like that.


• no stress in my life, yep thats right NONE-Let Go Let GOD~


• for some pretty nice people I have met on blogger in the last few months, I truly enjoy reading all of your experience, strength and hope every day.

Thanks all of you for your kindness and prayers for Heather at "I've Got Poop In My Pocket". This is what I mean about all you cool people. I have not heard from her, she is still in my prayers and I hope she is ok. Heather if you read this, please email me when you get a minute.

Lazy Wednesday

Today was my day off and I started out by getting the boy off to school. He has been MUCH better in the mornings. Between meds, getting a detention that he hated and just plain maturity-I think he has grown dramatically in the past month alone. I have not had school call with any problems, he has been pretty pleasant around the house too. I just got his progress report and he got all C's and better. A far cry from the four F's that graced the last report! So things are definitely looking up. YEEHAW!
I went to a women's meeting with a friend this afternoon (after sleeping in MOST of the day-not good). I am glad she called me because I was THINKING of going but in the back of my mind I really didn't want to go. When I got the call, I suggested we go to the women's meeting that she had never attended and off we went. She loved it, and I am glad I got off my butt and went. We are planning on doing this every week-we shall see if I follow through. I have been having a problem with following through on anything for a while now. I procrastinate the shit outta everything and out of all of my character defects, this one bothers me the most. When I DO get off said butt I am pretty happy with what I get accomplished. Its the actual physically MOVING my ass and getting going that's the issue. If my GF had not called me, I would have stayed home. I am a work in progress, and always will be. I called it procrastination and I really need to face what it really is. Its laziness. Laziness can and will get me into trouble. I am going to start to pray on that for myself. Yep that's what I will do, give it to God and hopefully He will give me the energy and strength I need to get even the simplest things done. I think it has a lot to do with depression as well. Look at me, diagnosing MYSELF. Now I am my own therapist too.

I am gonna go read some of your experience, strength and hope and wish you all a great evening. Its truly a gift to be sober today, I might even try it again tomorrow. QUEEN.....OUT

Fall of The Queen

So I posted the other day that the QUEEN does NOT mow the lawn. I got a few comments telling me that some of you love to work in the yard, how its good for you -blah - blah -blah. I said I don't MOW but I will get out there and clean up the yard, plant and what not. So this is what I did on my day off. I weeded, I mulched, I watered. I picked up the yard. Yada, yada, yada. It's not the gardening I despise, it's the damn mowing. I have a HUGE lawn and two 13 year olds (one bio son, one adopted nephew) who can do the mowing. They come in handy on trash day as well. I digress.....
So anyway, I do my thing in the yard and I call it a day and wake up the next morning. I get ready, make my iced coffee and begin to head out to work. I have my hands full-coffee, wallet, lit cigarette. I open my back door and without looking down I take that first step out the door and my foot lands in something unfamiliar (NOT the stoop) and I FLY down the rest of the stairs. In mid "flight" I remember thinking "oh, this is NOT gonna end up good." I had NO idea what the hell I stepped in, but it was now stuck on my foot like a damn shoe. I don't know how I managed to do this, but I actually landed ON MY FEET! HA! Somehow I managed to stay on my feet and I was not harmed. (yea, you can all rest easy now) I was laughing my ass off at myself-it was the most FUN I have had in a long time. I ended up having to change my clothes because I was now WEARING my iced coffee from my chest all the way down to the inside of my shoes. In case you're wondering I had stepped into a metal bucket, like the ones you see in the summer that have citronella in them. I use it for a butt can outside and I had moved it up off the ground during my "gardening" the day before.
On a sad note, another one of my sober friends has passed on. He was in his fifties and apparently died of a heart attack a few days ago. In the past (like when I was active) I fell down LOTS of stairs. Hell, I did a back flip off a deck one time and broke my fucking neck. I should have been dead a looooong time ago, but God had other plans for me. Everything happens in His time and He has been calling a lot of people I love home lately. I thank him for everything He gives me, the good and the bad. Every time He takes a loved one, He reminds me that we really DO only have today and I am going to make the most of that 24 hour gift. Even if it does begin with me falling out my back door. He was looking out for me, and for that I am grateful. Rest in Peace Chris, save me a seat at that big meeting in the sky my friend.

• I am getting my bag packed for the retreat.



• You would think I'm never coming back with what I am planning on bringing.



• I am bringing my meditation books-I think I'll actually have the time and the peace and quiet to enjoy them and maybe learn a little about Denise.



• I am also bringing a 4th step "guide" so I can learn how to actually do this step. It is LOOOONG overdue.



• So is getting a sponsor.



• I am a sick alkie, so therefore I am bringing a thermos of...................

• ICED COFFEE---GOTCHA!



• Oh and my laptop. Probably not appropriate but they DO have wifi. God must want not want me to miss anything whilst I am away.



• I have my uncles wake to go to at 2pm and the closer two o'clock comes, the more I dread going. But I must.

• The weather is supposed to be beautiful, and I am very excited to get my share of serenity and spirituality.

• This retreat could not have come at a better time.

That is all for now, I need to finish getting ready. You all have a good day now. QUEEEN....OUT

I had an odd day. My son went back to school today after having a week break. He got up early with no issues and got off to school on time. YAHOO! That is a major accomplishment in this house these days. So off to work I go. One of my favorite people on the planet was transferred into my store and he started today. He is one of my managers and we get along like peas and carrots, so I'll give that a YIPPEE!
But then I got a phone call from my sister. She tells me that our uncle is in the hospital and not doing well. Shit. He was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer. He is not only my favorite uncle on my dads side of the family, but he is the SPITTIN IMAGE of my dad. My dad passed away in 1991 at the age of 54. My uncle is 54. Dammit. This man holds a special place in my heart, and I knew I had to go see him asap. So that's what I did. My sister left work and so did I to go see him and comfort his wife. Seeing that man lying in ICU-the SAME ICU that my dad had been in was just hard to see. He was heavily sedated, when he is not he is pulling out tubes and what not. So incredibly sad. I stopped in the hospital chapel and asked God to be easy on Uncle Don, and please don't let him suffer. So I will continue to pray for him and his family-what else can I do? It just sucks feeling powerless in this dire situation. But that's what I am, powerless. I do have the power of prayer and I will continue to use it and just give it to God and hope he's got his listening ears on today......Queen....OUT

The Power of Prayer

I went to an awesome meeting tonight. Hell, they're all awesome. But I sat with my friend Val, and God bless her-she just gets me giggling-at all the wrong times- like in the middle of a meeting. Now there I go blaming someone else again. Damn alcoholic that I am, its always someone else, right. Anyone who knows me, as in real life knows me, KNOWS I can be downright outrageous at all the inappropriate times. It's a gift, passed on to me from my lovely Mommy. She was quite the woman. Val and I are going on a spiritual retreat soon. I told her if I get through the door without being struck by lightening, we'll be good to go.

I had a chat with another awesome lady tonight. She's a great power of example and has lots of good advice and I love her to pieces. She has a sister who suffers from bipolar disorder and she has given me a lot of hope for my son. Her sister is currently hospitalized for her illness. She is in her fifties and has had this disorder most of her life, but has only been diagnosed in the last few years. What a shame that she had to suffer all these years, before finally getting the proper diagnosis and medication that she needs. I think it is actually a blessing that my son is getting the help he needs now, at such a young age. My friend suggested that I pray over J's meds and to let God take it, let God handle his recovery. Guess what I did the minute I got home? I prayed, and I prayed hard. And I gave it to God. The power of prayer is amazing. I have prayed for God to keep me from a drink every day and for the last 3 years He has not let me down. Not once. I think I need to look to Him for more than just the strength to keep me from taking that first drink. I am powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over my sons' disorder as well. Tomorrow is his first day back to school, God and I will be busy all day until he gets home safe and sound.

Thanks for letting me share.....

THIS CLOSE to biting the big one today

So it has been snowing here like EVERY OTHER DAY so far this winter. UGH. I have this LOOOOOOOOONG driveway that goes downhill all the way down to the busy street I live on. Now after the first big storm, I got out there with my son and shoveled that bad boy. It sucked and that is probably why I haven't done it since. I have a 4wd Ford Explorer and I can get up and down pretty easily so I have just let it go (the snow clearing). Well yesterday it snowed a few inches, then sleet, then straight rain for a bit. Then come night time, it got COLD as a witches titty and everything froze. I got off to work and then an hour or so later I had to head back home to bring my son to school. I turn in my driveway, get about 1/3 of the way up and YEP-I couldn't make it up. Not only that, I started to slide BACKWARDS and couldn't STOP sliding backwards. No amount of steering, braking, not braking...NOTHING was stopping me. Did I mention I live on a BUSY street??? I laid on the horn to warn the unexpecting drivers below that something was goin down (me) and I looked in my rear view and all I could see was YELLOW. A SCHOOL BUS. DAMMIT. I think I said a quick prayer, OUT LOUD, like GOD NO! I slid all the way into the street and I think Mr. bus knew what was up cause he flew by my driveway just in time for me to miss him. The bus was the only vehicle that was in danger of my runaway car. I ended up right out in the street, so it could have been a real catastrophe if the circumstances weren't just as they were. So Thank you God, for being there for me and those children on that bus today.

She is at peace now

I truly believe that God put Jennifer into my life for a reason. I am still working on what that reason is. I have a few therories. I'd like to share them here with you.

I believe that she was put into my life to ease the guilt I have felt over the loss of my sister. The guilt I felt was largely due to my belief that I could (or should) have made a difference. That I should have tried to help her. I now believe that my sister was beyond help, just like Jen was and that anything I tried to do to help would have been in vain. The similarities in Jen and my sister were just such a huge red flag from the Lord himself to have been a coincidence.

I know that even though I only knew her for 34 days, Jen and I became instant friends. God put her in that meeting the first night so she could have a friend she could identify with while He was deciding her fate. When we met we "clicked" immediately. It was as if we had been friends forever. The second day of our friendship, she told me that it was good to have a real friend again, that it felt that she had known me for a long time. I felt the same way about her.

During our short friendship, I also got to know her mother. I adore this woman. I spoke with her yesterday and she asked that I keep in touch, to call her and visit whenever I wanted. I was happy to hear this and I intend on doing just that. In such a short time, I grew to love Jen and her family.

I think that God chose to put Jen into my life to remind me just how deadly my disease is. It wants me dead, and if I choose to pick up even one drink (which would lead to a thousand) I will certainly meet the same fate as she did.

She suffers no more, Thank you God-for sending me Jen. I know she is safe now.