No Fair

I am feeling a bit melancholy-so bear with me here. I am feeling sorry for my kid. I feel sorry for him because all he has to do is hang out here at our house with ME. Mom. Big fucking deal. I think it's fair to say that he doesn't have a real friend. I think his illness prevents him from becoming close to any of his peers from school. He's not the friendliest person on the school scene. He keeps to himself in class. He is my baby and I could just bust out in tears at this very moment because he is so alone. He claims to like it that way (I do too sometimes) but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want him to be genuinely happy. I want him to have dreams and have goals in life-but he sees nothing but sadness. He can't see beyond this darkness. He feels that this is where he will always be. I just can't accept that. I will keep working on him. And his meds. And his therapy. And maybe we will see that miracle happen.
I called a relative to look after J when I go on my retreat in a few weeks and she said she could not do it-she would be visiting her sister in Georgia. This woman is the sister of my baby daddy. The woman she is going to be visiting in Georgia is another of baby daddy's sisters. I used to be BFF's with her until my relationship with baby daddy went south. Baby daddy has 4 sisters and all but one of them shunned me when I had him thrown in jail for beating on me. So much for women stickin' together. Blood is indeed thicker than water folks. I'm sure my drunken behavior played a part in our parting of ways. But were were besties and I miss her. I just found out that this trip includes my sons sister who just moved to Chicago and his niece who he misses terribly. He has been in a DEEP depression since they left right after Xmas. J's aunt and sister both KNOW how much this move has affected him. I hope J does not find out that they are all going on a happy vacation without him. Oh GOD please don't let him find out.

The Blame Game

One of you should buy me this shirt, cause I am one POWERFUL bitch.

Howdy y'all. Happy Sunday you buncha drunks. I have had an interesting day. "Oh, do share it with us Denise"- I think I heard someone out there shout. I went to work, like a good girl do. I work every Sunday (double time kids) since I am a responsible single mommy. Its what I do, even in my active days. I was usually a pretty high functioning alkie, not that I am bragging. I did however manage to keep my job despite all of the shit going on in my life over the years. I thank God for this every day. So anyway, I'm workin away and a co worker comes in an tells me my baby daddy just walked by. I thank her for the warning and get back to work. Well about 10 minutes later she pops her head back in and tells me he is out there asking for me. EEK. I really don't want to go out there, he creeps me out. He really does. Let me give you an example. The last time I actually SPOKE to this person, he called my cell and I hesitated but eventually answered it. He started to ask how was everything yada yada and next thing I know he says "Has anyone called you a cunt today?" OH YES HE DID. I kid you not, I was at a loss for words, he took me by surprise and I started to say something and I realized he wasn't there anymore, he had hung up. Now this is on a Sunday afternoon and he had NOTHING better to do than to call me and fuck with me like that. Sick I tell ya, SICK. So after that phone call I was definitely creeped out and I finished my workday up rather quickly and headed home, looking for him all the way home. It was probably just what he wanted - me to be scared and I was. How many times do we read about, or see on the news some crackpot killing an ex, their family, etc. That's all I could think was hes gonna get me one of these days.

About a week ago my son asked me when fathers day was. I told him and then I asked him why he wanted to know and he told me he misses his dad. He's only 13 and this POS (piece of shit) IS his father. My son doesn't really know how harmful he is/was to the both of us, I figure in time he will come to his own conclusion on why daddy dearest wasn't around all this time. We don't really speak of him, only that he is actively drinking and when he is in that state, he is not welcome around. So I -being the dumb ass that I am-left a note on his door (at least I think it is his door, last I knew) saying call me when you get a minute. I left it on the back of a business type card that has my name and number on it and a few AA sayings and slogans. Well I guess he got it cause here he was at my job today.

So I grab my cigs and cell and go outside with him to see whats up. I told him why I left the card/note and not only did he LAUGH at my card, he didn't blink an eye when I told him his son missed him. Hence, the handy dandy nickname I have for him-- POS. He did not ask how he is, how is school, NOTHING. He proceeded to tell me that he got "laid off" from his job. GREAAAAAT! This is nothing new, this happens to him quite frequently. I asked if he got laid off or fired. He says laid off and they're screwing him lalalalalala. Same old story every time he loses a job. So there goes my son's health insurance. Whatever, we are getting kind of used to that. Even the pharmacist comments when it actually goes through, "yep, he's still working-the insurance went through". Pathetic. So I can tell that he wants to say or tell me something. There is something he is dying to say, I can tell-I know this person all to well. So I ask him whats wrong and he got all choked up-tears and everything-and told me---------------------"You have RUINED MY LIFE" boo fucking hoo hoo hoo. Are you SHITTING ME????? I know I AM the Queen and all, but I had no idea of the POWER he thinks I have! I have the power to single handedly ruin a life, SWEET. He tells me "You called the police too many times and I just got turned down for a job because I have too many domestic violence charges against me." BOO FUCKING HOO . Did I force you to punch me in the face so many times? Did I force you to choke the shit outta me right after my mother died, so hard that I couldn't speak for a week? Did I force you to beat a relative of mine when he was too drunk to defend himself-almost killing him in the process? Did I force you to beat me in front of our young son, so he could carry the guilt around for YEARS that he thought it was HIS FAULT that his mom got hurt by his dad? Fuck you buddy, and your mother too. Nah not his mom, she only incubated and birthed the spawn of the devil himself.

I was kinda proud of how I handled it when I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of reaching through and ripping out his uncaring heart out via his throat like I wanted to.

He is blaming good old me for all of the wreckage he has left in his wake. It is what we alcoholics do, especially the active ones-we find blame in others. We never look at ourselves as a cause of any problem. I KNOW this because I have been where he is and I have found recovery, and that's what you all taught me. I know that without any kind of recovery in his future, that I will be the cause of every negative thing that ever happens in his pathetic life. I will pray for him and all the rest of the sick and suffering alcoholics out there. There is nothing more I can do.

Now where's my fucking t-shirt, hmmmm?

Daddy WHO?

Anyone else out there have a baby daddy who doesn't give a shit about their kid? Yea- I thought so. I just DON'T GET IT. How can someone bring a beautiful being into this world only to do as little as possible to nurture and raise your own flesh and blood? I want to say that it is a guy thing. But that is not true, there are many men who are raising children on their own, while baby momma is off "living" her life. So then what is it? What makes a person not want to see their own child? What makes them want to do ANYTHING BUT do the right thing and at least call their son?

My Son's dad is a fucking loser. Sorry, it is what it is. He is an active alcoholic-so that is his priority at the moment. That and he has a new female alcoholic to play with and that is all he needs. A bottle and someone to screw. Not that I mind, now he leaves me the hell alone! J's birthday was a few weeks ago and I knew we would probably hear from him. The phone call came when J was in his room and his cell was in the room with me. Mind you, it was like 8pm on his birthday. I answered it and told him NO you may NOT speak to J, I will NOT ALLOW YOU TO FUCK UP HIS BIRTHDAY. My son was having a good day, it was almost time for bed, and I didn't want that phone call to ruin it. He hadn't seen or spoken to his father in at least 3 months. I told father he needs to at least CALL him to re-establish a relationship with his son. Then and only then would I allow it to continue-if that's what he wanted. To date, he had not called J.

Not that I deserve Mother of The Year award. I was an active drunk for the first 10 years of my sons life. BUT, I NEVER abandoned him, I was always here taking care of him the best I could. The best I could do was not always the best for J, but we somehow got through it all and are doing pretty well now.

So the missing daddy thing shouldn't be a big shocker for me. Loser has two other children from his first marriage, and he abandoned them and still ignores both of them to this day. He even has a grand daughter that he hasn't seen in months either. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

When we are out there active, we only care about ourselves. Our booze comes first, everything else doesn't matter. I keep trying to remind myself that it is his disease. It probably is, but I was always here for J. I JUST DON'T FRIGGING GET IT PEOPLE!