Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tuesday Tidbits

  • I feel lots and lots of gratitude lately
  • The more I see suffering the more grateful I become
  • I don't have much, but I do have ME back and that is a miracle-it truly is
  • I saw POS today in line at the bank. He looks awful
  • BUT he is on day 7 so I hope that works out for him
  • He said to me "I was having seizures" to which I replied "No REALLY?"
  • He actually GOT INSURANCE for my son, without me having to ask or force him
  • THAT is another miracle
  • I get to speak at my Home Group tonight. I am always nervous but it needs to be done
  • My boss stuck up for me to HIS boss today. Miracle # 3
  • I'm glad I can be a trusted employee these days
  • My son seems to be content, no drama-no anger. Thank you abilify.
  • I am happy that spring is here, but not liking my grass growing faster than a speeding bullet
  • Your Queen does NOT mow grass-she just doesn't
  • That is where a house bitch would come in handy. I am still interviewing so keep the applications coming people.

With that I wish you all a great night, I'm off to get snacks for my drunks. QUEEN....OUT

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Its a LOVE thing/and Weekend Update

Many thanks to my fellow blogger friends Atiyanna and Lou for bestowing upon yer Queen this lovely award. I have enjoyed my new journey in sobriety and brought it to bloggerville about six months ago and have found some wonderful people here. I have learned a lot, met some really awesome people, and plan to stick around a while because there's a whole lot more I need to learn and its just plain fun to have a recovery network when I am here online as well as "off".

LOVE YA blog award: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandisement. Our hope is when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight more bloggers who must choose eight more."

Here are my nominations in no particular order:

Sarah at Complications of a Perfect Life

Robin at Bean's Path

Akannie at Elegant Blessings

Bill from Life on Planet Bill

Live and Learn the Hard Way

Sophie at Sophie in the Moonlight

Anybeth is Swimming in Clear Water

and finally Mr. ZaneJabbers

Please be sure to drop in on these awesome people, some in recovery, some are not. Some are friends I have connected with while trying to learn more about my sons' mental health issues. In any case, they all rock and you should pay them a visit if you have the time.

So as for my weekend-you know the one that was supposed to be spent at a spiritual retreat for women in recovery-it didn't go as planned. There are a few reasons for my sudden change of plans. My son was supposed to go to my sisters' house for the weekend. Supposed being the key word. It could not happen. There was MUCH drama going on there and it was to chaotic in her home for me to bring my son up there. Now she reads this blog and she knows how I feel about her situation, so I won't pull any punches here. She is living with a chronic alcoholic. He showed some interest in AA a few months ago, but nothing ever came of it. The day I was supposed to leave for the retreat, he had to be brought to the emergency room. He was having symptoms related to a heart attack, so she brought him there. This man has a history of a "panic/anxiety" disorder. I flat out told him this disorder was alcohol related. I am no doctor, but I had the same issues when I was actively drinking MYSELF to death and I truly think it is related to his alcoholism. I think he is NOT forthcoming with his doctors/emergency room people (I know I WASN'T!) I told him when I stopped drinking the anxiety just went away.

This man KNEW we were burying my uncle on Saturday. He KNEW that my sister had some important stuff to do this weekend. But it has to be about HIM. All the sudden, he needed medical attention and was manipulating his children into thinking that my sister doesn't care about his health. He has pitted the kids against her and out of guilt, she brought him into the ER.(They wanted to keep him for observation, but he has no ins. so he left). When I spoke to her after she dropped him off at the ER, she started to tell me all of what was going on and she cried, A LOT. She was so distraught over what he has put her through, and now has her children thinking that SHE is some kind of monster, that she just balled. I told her that she needs to get the hell out of that house and that her kids need al-anon/teen. The whole family is suffering and there is not a damn thing that I can do but make these suggestions. I pray that she takes them, I really do. I know what she's going through because I LIVED IT with POS. She is living my old life and it is difficult to watch her go through it. She is drinking too much, and I know what that's all about too. I drank so I wouldn't have to deal with the BS too. And it just made the situation worse. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Her alcoholic will never leave and she know this. She is going to have to be the strong one.

So when I decided that it would not be a good idea to bring my son there, I called a brother. I told him of my situation and he said NO. I was floored. I still am. I am usually the first one to help out a family member and when I need a favor, which is not very often, and I get shot down, it pisses me the fuck off. I was hurt and then pissed at his reaction to my plea for help. He said "Well if I had some kind of notice, and besides I have a FUNERAL to go to tomorrow." I guess that was a shot at me for going away instead of going to my uncles funeral. THEN he said "Well what about Johnny? (our very alcoholic brother)-haha." Yes, he snickered when he suggested that. I was beyond pissed that he even suggested that. That same evening my brother Johnny showed up at my uncles wake-DRUNK. So NO that was not an option, and not funny that he even said that to me.

So that my friends is what happened to my weekend. I want to say to my little sista B - I love you very much and mean it when I say you are always welcome to come here. I know how devastating this disease is and how it destroys families. I want the best for you and your children and right now you are all in peril, you really are. I am willing to help-please just reach out and take the steps to make your family well.


My Weekend

  • was NOT what I had planned
  • God apparently had other plans for me
  • no retreat
  • I did go to my uncles funeral
  • I am on my way to a long overdue meeting and will fill y'all in tonight
  • I am so happy that my Higher Power guided me through.
  • I'm gonna go get my medicine now, catcha later


Friday, April 24, 2009

  • I am getting my bag packed for the retreat.

  • You would think I'm never coming back with what I am planning on bringing.

  • I am bringing my meditation books-I think I'll actually have the time and the peace and quiet to enjoy them and maybe learn a little about Denise.

  • I am also bringing a 4th step "guide" so I can learn how to actually do this step. It is LOOOONG overdue.

  • So is getting a sponsor.

  • I am a sick alkie, so therefore I am bringing a thermos of...................


  • Oh and my laptop. Probably not appropriate but they DO have wifi. God must want not want me to miss anything whilst I am away.

  • I have my uncles wake to go to at 2pm and the closer two o'clock comes, the more I dread going. But I must.

  • The weather is supposed to be beautiful, and I am very excited to get my share of serenity and spirituality.

  • This retreat could not have come at a better time.

That is all for now, I need to finish getting ready. You all have a good day now. QUEEEN....OUT

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Farewell Uncle Donny

Sadly, my Uncle Donny has passed away. Age 54. A damn shame really. Absolutely full of life, always had a robust laugh happening, always made us kids feel special. I will miss him dearly.

As for POS - well I think he's still kickin. I don't know I have not checked. This is how I feel about my role in his latest dilemma. NOT MY PROBLEM. It really isn't. If he happens to die, I will have to deal with it, you know with my son and all. Like I have said before, if he dies and breaks my sons' heart, I will dig him up and beat the shit outta his corpse. I'm just saying people. About 8 years ago he was in the same ICU with pneumonia so bad that he was nearly dead by the time he got to the hospital. He had surgery (a thoracotomy) and was back in ICU for 10 days. It was a difficult time for us, and I was there EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY FOR HIM. He thanked me by screwing around on me 6 months later. Except for a short time, he has been gone ever since. Funny I took the physical blows from him, but when he strayed like that he had to go. He pretty much disgusts me and besides, he has a brand spankin new GF who can nurse him back to health this time. I repeat NOT MY PROBLEM. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this point. I can thank AA and my ever growing relationship with my Higher Power for giving me that strength.

The funeral is on Saturday but I have a spiritual retreat that I am going to attend. I will go to his wake on Friday and right after myself and my girl Val are spending two glorious nights at this retreat. I know my Uncle Donny would have said JUST GO DENISE! So I shall. I got lots to reflect on this weekend, and I can't think of a better place to do it. So that is all for now my cyber posse, have yourselves a great night. QUEEN....OUT

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

As The World Turns

That's what my life feels like right about now. I just got back from the hospital and my uncle has been moved from ICU to a private room. More privacy for him and his family. I think I heard someone mention that he has maybe 2 more days to live. Incredibly sad.

Before I went to the hospital I was on my way to my Tuesday night Beach House meeting. You know, the best AA meeting ever! Well I got a phone call from my brother. I have 3 brothers, and this one NEVER calls me. So I though oh shit, this is it. THE call saying my uncle had passed on. But it wasn't. He called me and said "you'll never guess who is in the ICU in the room next to Uncle Donny." He was right, I had no idea. It is none other than my ex, more commonly known here in Queens World as POS. I was going to go to the hospital after my meeting but with not knowing why Mr. ex was in ICU I headed over there after making the coffee. I needed to know as he IS my sons dad and if he was on his way out I need to know. So I get there and visit with my uncle and then I popped in on POS and spoke with his nurse. Apparently he fell in the shower (drunk of course) and broke a rib. Well I ask her why is he in ICU for a broken rib and she said he is detoxing (and seizing) and they have to monitor him closely. She was very kind to tell me anything since I am nobody to him, but she knows we have a child together and answered my questions. I guess he's being an ass and giving them a hard time. You know, like we detoxing drunks do! So anyway, I visited with him for a bit and he was pretty sedated but he recognized me and even asked me where his girlfriend/drinking buddy was. How the hell do I know?

I hope this will be his last run but I don't think it will be. He seems to be pretty hopeless. He knows where the meetings are and I hope he does get well, but as we all know it is up to him. But I think its pretty WEIRD that he ended up in there when my family is there as well. He better hope some of my family members don't run into him, cause he'll be staying a helluva lot longer if they do!

Monday, April 20, 2009

I had an odd day. My son went back to school today after having a week break. He got up early with no issues and got off to school on time. YAHOO! That is a major accomplishment in this house these days. So off to work I go. One of my favorite people on the planet was transferred into my store and he started today. He is one of my managers and we get along like peas and carrots, so I'll give that a YIPPEE!
But then I got a phone call from my sister. She tells me that our uncle is in the hospital and not doing well. Shit. He was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer. He is not only my favorite uncle on my dads side of the family, but he is the SPITTIN IMAGE of my dad. My dad passed away in 1991 at the age of 54. My uncle is 54. Dammit. This man holds a special place in my heart, and I knew I had to go see him asap. So that's what I did. My sister left work and so did I to go see him and comfort his wife. Seeing that man lying in ICU-the SAME ICU that my dad had been in was just hard to see. He was heavily sedated, when he is not he is pulling out tubes and what not. So incredibly sad. I stopped in the hospital chapel and asked God to be easy on Uncle Don, and please don't let him suffer. So I will continue to pray for him and his family-what else can I do? It just sucks feeling powerless in this dire situation. But that's what I am, powerless. I do have the power of prayer and I will continue to use it and just give it to God and hope he's got his listening ears on today......Queen....OUT

Dinner Conversation-With Tweens

So I sat in a Subway sandwich shop with my son and my nephew(my son from anotha mutha) this evening. We are all enjoying our dinner when I say "I don't care, I LOVE my food, I don't care about dieting-I just love my food too much" and my son says "Guess you don't care that you're never gonna get laid again". Yes. He said that to his mommy. My nephew munched away and said "Can we NOT talk about this?" HA HA. I said something like no, I think we should talk about periods, puberty and the whole kittin kaboodle. Needless to say, they were both pretty quiet through the rest of our little dinner. I heart tweens. I really do.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Pretty Toes

Yes, I have them now. I went for my very first pedicure yesterday. I made the appointment and when I got off the phone my kid said "I hope you don't like it too much." I asked him why would he say that. He says "Cause if you really like it then that means you'll be going back like every week spending hundreds of dollars and I'll get less stuff for me." OH yes he did. What a spoiled little brat I am raising, huh? Just for that I think I will make it a habit, cause I DID enjoy it. How anyone can make a living out of what they had to do to my dogs is a mystery to me. I could NOT do it. EVER. BUT, I can be on the receiving end. I finally did it and it was relaxing, and it felt good to spend some time on ME. Just ME. I stand on these poor feet at least 8 hours a day and they really liked the attention. I was there for two hours! I got my nails did and got my uni brow attended to as well. I didn't really have a uni brow but I did get em waxed.
It was so good, I wanted to light a cig when he was done. Yes I said he. I think that made it more special. I wanted to take this tiny Asian man home with me. Yer Queen needs her a house bitch. You know for cooking me dinner, doin the lawn, my feet, massages. Stuff like that. No monkey business, just look out for the Queen. Only serious applicants please. Have yerselves a super evening. QUEEN....OUT

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Keep It Simple Stupid

Oh MY GOODNESS!! I have had quite the evening. Tonight I attended my favorite meeting in town, the one that got me sober. I raised my hand at one of the first meetings and volunteered to be the coffee maker and that saved my ass. Its great if you go to meetings on a regular basis, but if you don't get INVOLVED in the program chances are that you will probably not make it. I suppose that is my opinion and like Syd mentioned in his post today, take what you want out of what you read here and leave the rest. But I have seen it with my very own eyes, the people who get involved-chairing, treasurer, GSR, greeter, coffee-WHATEVER-generally do well when combined with working the oh so important steps.
So anyway, the actual meeting went well and then there was a business meeting afterward. This meeting was to discuss a picnic that we are planning at the Beach House where we hold our meeting. A picnic. Pretty simple right? Well get a room full of alcoholics and addicts planning it and the next thing you know you would think we were planning something like Woodstock for chrissake. They were all cross talking, shouting, arguing and getting nothing accomplished. I took my buddy in recovery (the one who wants me but will never have me hehe) aside and said "Let's make a run for it-- we're so outta here" lol. And we left. And it felt good. When and if they have Woodstock I will make a potato salad, open the building for them and that's it. End of discussion for me! Way to complicate a hot dog meeting folks. I could not get outta there fast enough. I like to get involved like I said above BUT when everyone is getting all worked up for nothing I just choose to let them all try to figger that shit out on their own. YOU try telling 20 or so drunks that they are wrong, or that they should just keep it simple. It can get ugly and I have had enough ugly for a lifetime THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It was amusing sitting in the back and watching them for like a minute and then I did what I had to do and now I am home chuckling about it. I'll be sure to let y'all know how it turns out. hehe.
My son is doing OK, but his Doctor wants to run some tests. J is NOT A HAPPY CAMPER about this. He has NEVER had blood drawn and has informed me that he WILL NOT be letting anyone draw blood. Nope, not happenin. OY. If anyone has any advice on how to get a kid to submit to a blood test, please share. He's too damn big to hold him down, and I know my kid-he WILL fight it. He really needs the blood work and I need a solution. I will pray on it, and I will get an answer. He also needs a MRI (which I THINK is a brain scan). That is painless but could be scary for him. I don't know. But he is getting tremors (he calls them mini seizures) and it needs to be checked. He also gets the "shakes" as he calls them and that is what the blood work is for. So any advise from my fellow bloggers would be greatly appreciated. Between God and you all, I'm sure I will find a solution.

Gratitude list Du jour:

  • That you stopped by to read my ramblings, for that I am grateful....

  • for my 1244th day of abstinence from mind altering substances....

  • to have a few really great friends in recovery....

  • that I have the next TWO days off from work....

  • that I know madness when I see it and know when it's time to scoot the hell outta there....

  • I am grateful that I got a new boss at work and he's a pretty cool dude....

  • for my not so little guy, J-He's a handful but I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything....

  • a great job, and supervisors who know I give them my best when I'm there....

  • family....

  • a car that is all MINE sitting in the driveway....

I could go on all night but that will do for now

Have a good night you buncha alkies, addicts and al-anoners. And please remember to K.I.S.S.!


Asking for Help

This is something I hardly ever do. I was going to write " hardly ever need to do" and I backed up and took out the need part. As you may have read on an earlier post my baby daddy lost his job yet again. The only thing that affects me and my son when he is jobless is the medical insurance. My son is on a lot of EXPENSIVE meds. To be exact it is $1550.95 per month kinda expensive. That means my insurance will cover some of that but will max out pretty soon. That loosah needs to get another job and soon. In the meantime I have to ask for help from the state I live in. I am told that the non-custodial parent (him) with a court order stating he has to provide medical insurance (got it) is eligible to for this state insurance. I have printed out the application and will provide an envelope and a postage stamp for this ass wipe of a father and he had better fill it out and send it in. All he has to do is fill it out and mail it. Ya wanna know what I think (know) he will do? He will not fill it out because he doesn't give a shit. It's a shame. I called one of his sisters and told her of the plan he needs to apply for and to please inform him about it. She said she would, but I KNOW HIM TO WELL. If he thinks (which he does) that it will benefit me in any way, he won't do it. Not for one millisecond will he consider that it is for HIS SON and not me. Pretty sad. But he is dealing with the Queen bitch and I do have a plan B. Oh yes I do. Child support enforcement does not like baby daddy's who do not comply with court orders. I would rather NOT take that route but don't mess with my child's' health. I hope he complies-but I doubt it.
I went to an awesome meeting tonight that was having anniversary night. The celebrants had a range of sobriety from 6 to 37 years! Two or maybe three of them had 30+ years. I won the raffle which was for a subscription to the Grapevine. If you have never read this magazine y'all should. It's an AA publication and I was soooo happy I won it. You can only win so many bumper stickers ya know?
Well it's way past my beddie bye boos time, not beddie bye booze like it usta be THANK YOU GOD. You all have a rockin' Tuesday. QUEEN....OUT

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Lily~The Bunny Hop

This darling little girl is my "step-Grandaughter" Lily. She is my sons niece. She would have been an actual step GD if J's dad wasn't such a POS. So anyway, I sent them an Easter package and in it was this adorable bunny that sings and dances. This is a short video her mommy sent me. I am THRILLED that she likes it! Enjoy. I sure did. QUEEN....OUT


I am whooped. I did go to my meeting last night and it was great. It always is, but I was wanting to stay home. I'm glad I did not. I had a nice talk with a fellow AA who is struggling. He is 75 years old and he is in trouble. He has had 2 motor vehicle accidents in the past 6 months or so and he is hooked on his pain meds now. OH for the love of GOD! This disease bites big donkey d***. He is a sweet man, I told him to call me anytime. I hope he does. So like todays picture says, I'm hittin the sack. It's my day off and I really need to relax. I just had a big ole bowl of mac and cheese and with that, I bid you all a buh bye for now. QUEEN...OUT

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I don't want, so I need to

Ever feel that way? You just really wanna kick back and relax at home but you have stuff to do? Well that "stuff" is my favorite meeting of the week-my Beach House meeting. My ass is draggin-Queenie is one tired girl. But I know I MUST go, especially when I keep trying to talk myself out of it in my head. This is EXACTLY the time when I need to get off my butt and hit a meeting. So that's where I'm heading in 15 minutes. A fellow drunk just called me and needs a ride, so there you go. I need to get him there and I need to open up the building and get the coffee started. Oh, and I just remembered-I haven't picked up any snacks for my peeps! So I"ll be going NOW! Y'all have a peaceful evening! QUEEN....OUT

Thursday, April 2, 2009


This is what I SHOULD have done right after I got to work today.
I woke up LATE it pretty much screwed up the day for me. I didn't get all crazy over it, but it caused me to go NON-STOP all day until the minute I punched out. So I forgot to set my alarm and I wake up and its LIGHT out which causes me to FLY outta bed and check the clock. Oh yea, I'm totally late. REALLY late. In my foggy stupor I hit the potty and think "Shit, what day is it?-Wednesday-my day off? nope its Thursday-yea I'm screwed." So I go into my sons' room and shake him awake and he whips the covers off and mumbles something and I ask him "What did you say?" and he says "I was hoping you weren't gonna wake up." So I think to myself - did he mean EVER wake up or was the little shit awake and hoping I would sleep late enough for him to NOT have to go to school? So anyway, he WAS awake and could have got me up, but he thought maybe he could get out of going to school if WE didn't wake up on time. NICE TRY kid. He was late too, but he did go to school.
Now, yes indeedy it was my fault for not setting my alarm. I get that. BUT-my job usually calls me if I am more than a few minutes late. This particular morning the co-worker that was there CHOSE not to call me. Fucker. He is a very vindictive person, and had a smug grin on his face when I finally got there. He probably thought I would get in a heap of trouble but this is what happened when I got to work. My boss saw me and said "Hey Queen-you made it in!" Yep he calls me queen. Sometimes he calls me the princess, and I have to correct him-"its Queen boss QUEEN." Then I show him my statue that I proudly display in my office.

I am very fortunate that I have a boss who KNOWS me and KNOWS about the vindictive person who didn't give me a courtesy call this morning. See my boss knows I am in recovery and KNOWS that I genuinely overslept this morning. Not like before I got sober and was late many times without bothering to call or explain myself-or lie to him. He has seen the positive change in me since I chose recovery and it's not the end of the world that I was late today. So all is well in my castle, now I think I'll hit a meeting. QUEEN...OUT