Back in My Castle

Yer Queen is back home from our mini vacay in Lake George. It was bootyful. They scenery was nice but my son was NOT. I hate to say it like that but dammit if I mouthed off and talked to my mother like he did to me I would be wearing my teeth on the back of my scull. We got our asses beat. Oh yea. And guess what? WE DESERVED IT! There were six children and I don't blame that woman (Mom) for whipping out the paddle when needed. But my friends, it is a new age. We are not allowed to "beat" our children these days. How do I know this? Oh, because MY SON TOLD ME SO! haha.

Son: "If you slap me then I'LL call the police!"
Me: "Here gimme that phone, I'll dial it for ya."
Son: "Nice."
Me: "Then when they get here they can take you away to the land of the foster children, you know the ones that live in a basement and have never heard of Pokemon or ice cream."

Son is only 13. Son is diagnosed clinically depressed with anxiety disorder. Oh AND he is bipolar. And he's 13! I know this is just the beginning of my hell. Oh, AND I am a recovering alcoholic and can't drink over it. DAMMIT.

TO BE CONTINUED: I have to go to the store and get devil child some fruit. There's no ice cream in this castle for misbehaving children. I am such a mean Mom.

Ok I'm back. I went to the store that I spent 8 hours working in today to get the above mentioned fruit and other odds and ends. Like yogurt - and wheat bread. Things that my son needs to get used to eating. He is on 3-going on 4-different meds. One of them makes him crave carbs. He eats NON-STOP. He is gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. So I need to be diligent about what I bring in this house for food. I have been buying healthier food since we got back. A lot of our arguments on vacay were over FOOD. He wanted it constantly. I feel for him. He really cannot help his appetite right now. I know it's driven by the frigging meds he is taking. But its FRUSTRATING to say the least.

Moving on. I received a call from the AA hotline tonight. Someone was in need. I am ashamed to say I ALMOST didn't answer it. I hesitated. Then I remembered that I gave the hotline my number to help another sick and suffering human being. Someone was there for me when I needed help. This is what we do. We pass it on. The last time I got a call from the hotline I ended up talking to someone who wanted me to be their personal driver to get to meetings. I'm pretty sure that's not what the hotline is intended for. So I answered it tonight and was given a number to call. A woman needed someone to talk to. She was drunk as a skunk. Big surprise there! I am going to call her in the morning and possibly pick her up for a meeting tomorrow evening.

She is someone who has been sober for different lengths (years) of time, but thought she could handle "controlled" drinking. Does that sound at all familiar to any of my alkie friends out in blogland? It sure sounded familiar to me! I spent 13 years "controlling" my drinking after my first attempt at sobriety (first rehab) before I finally got sober this time. Oh and what a grand 13 years it was. I had a few realtionships-one which was abusive (POS) I fell off a deck and broke my neck (drunk, of course!) had a baby, lost both parents and a sister, and somehow survived it all. I am grateful to be able to be here to tell you that I got past all that and then some. Lord knows I should have been dead a long time ago. But I am not. I am alive and well, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Oh, and God. QUEEN.....OUT

Commencement Day

I swore to him I wouldn't have worn curlers, my bathrobe and inadvertently picked my nose at ALL if I could just see my son graduate from Middle School today. He wasn't havin' it, nope. I think this is how he pictured me in the auditorium and he was not going for any of it, not a chance. So my kid "chooses not to participate" in the ceremony that is planned for 11 am this morning. I was really upset about it when he told me the other day. I took the day off without telling him and I really WAS just going to slip in and watch without him knowing I was there(you know so I COULD pick my nose). The he tells me he wasn't "participating"-his words. He said why bother, why would he want to draw attention to himself by going up on stage to get a "fake" piece of paper that didn't mean anything. He is killing me I tell you. I know this is part of his bipolar and depression talking. He is doing way better than he has been, but anything that puts him in the spotlight or makes him the center of attention is off limits to him. His self esteem is in the crapper. Even when we have something for his birthday, he doesn't feel comfortable. Being in a room full of people freaks him out too. J does NOT do crowds. All of this makes me sad, I wish I could make it all better for him. I wish I could wave a magic wand or something and make him well. But all I can do is continue to do what I already have been doing. Continue his treatment and hope that he continues to improve. I insisted that he go to school anyway but I agreed to pick him up early. He was NOT going to miss one more (especially the LAST) day of school. He wasn't happy about it but he did go.

In other news POS is dragging his feet on getting J's insurance from the state. My insurance for his meds is capping out like yesterday and we need this so our son can have his medication. I have called him every day for the past few days and he promised to call yesterday to check on it. It was denied initially and I told him to call them and find out WHY because he definitely qualifies. We have NEVER had to ask for help from the state for anything and now that it is needed they are jerking us around. I see people every DAY who are receiving this and that from this state that do not , or should not be getting the very thing that I need for my son. It is something I need to pray on, and I have faith it will all work out. As long as POS does his part (ooh a phone call) like he said he would.

*Update*
I stopped typing and called POS while it was fresh in my not so fresh memory and he DID call them yesterday and they said it was going to cost $175.00 per month to have the insurance. I told him its better than the $500.00 co pay I currently pay out of MY pocket and he actually agreed. They are sending him more paperwork and I told him to let me know when it comes in and we will work something out. Now this loser IS on unemployment (like $450 a week) and he has NO bills besides child support that he actually pays. He lives/sponges off of his lady friend. He is supposedly not drinking again. So realistically he CAN afford it. BUT I am going to call the state myself and find out WHY it will be costing so much. For crying out loud, what's a girl gotta do to get on the welfare!

My pharmacist/friend suggested that I call/visit online the manufacturers of the drugs that J is on and they have programs that provide for people who need assistance. I did that and don't see where I qualify for any of that. If anyone knows of any other way to get help, please let a girl know! I'm thinking of hooking up with a wealthy senior citizen with one foot in tha grave but I'm not actually there YET. What we mommies have to do for the well being for our babies, I swear!

Well I must go get ready to pick up my kid. You all have a super duper day and I shall catcha all later. QUEEN......OUT

*UPDATE* Number 2
I just picked up my son and the auditorium was full, the commencement ceremony in full swing. I cried. I didn't let him see that, but it was sad for me. He just couldn't get out of there fast enough. Sigh.

The Power of Prayer

I went to an awesome meeting tonight. Hell, they're all awesome. But I sat with my friend Val, and God bless her-she just gets me giggling-at all the wrong times- like in the middle of a meeting. Now there I go blaming someone else again. Damn alcoholic that I am, its always someone else, right. Anyone who knows me, as in real life knows me, KNOWS I can be downright outrageous at all the inappropriate times. It's a gift, passed on to me from my lovely Mommy. She was quite the woman. Val and I are going on a spiritual retreat soon. I told her if I get through the door without being struck by lightening, we'll be good to go.

I had a chat with another awesome lady tonight. She's a great power of example and has lots of good advice and I love her to pieces. She has a sister who suffers from bipolar disorder and she has given me a lot of hope for my son. Her sister is currently hospitalized for her illness. She is in her fifties and has had this disorder most of her life, but has only been diagnosed in the last few years. What a shame that she had to suffer all these years, before finally getting the proper diagnosis and medication that she needs. I think it is actually a blessing that my son is getting the help he needs now, at such a young age. My friend suggested that I pray over J's meds and to let God take it, let God handle his recovery. Guess what I did the minute I got home? I prayed, and I prayed hard. And I gave it to God. The power of prayer is amazing. I have prayed for God to keep me from a drink every day and for the last 3 years He has not let me down. Not once. I think I need to look to Him for more than just the strength to keep me from taking that first drink. I am powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over my sons' disorder as well. Tomorrow is his first day back to school, God and I will be busy all day until he gets home safe and sound.

Thanks for letting me share.....

Just Because the Monkey is Off Your Back...

SO does not mean the circus has left town.

Peanuts, popcorn....get 'cher popcorn, peanuts here!

First of all THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, for your comments, support and prayers and love and EVERYTHING-always-but mostly after my last post. I want to get y'all up to speed on how J is doing.

He is STILL angry! But not as bad. Together with his pdoc we are taking him off of lamictal, which is the med he started about a month ago(when the ANGER started). I already knew this and have been slowly weaning him off. Which is BTW the exact same thing I suggested at our last appt. with pdoc. It didn't happen then and when I saw he was getting worse, I reduced it. I read up on all his meds and I know how it needs to be done. I am NOT Dr. Queenie, I know this. But when I called her, GUESS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO? Decrease the lamictal for a week (um, yea-done) and then take him off. So today is the first day I won't be giving it to him. We will see how he is in the next few days. I took the week off of work to keep a close eye on him. Thankfully, he is off from school this week. What a shitty vacation for him, poor kid.

On the plus side, I have been a nervous wreck BUT when I am like this I CLEAN. I USED to drink, but now I clean. My kitchen is looking pretty spiffy. I am like a madwoman, but that's OK. It needed to be done, trust me, lol. In fact I got so IN to it that I went to set my timer on my microwave for something and it said 3:05 and I went to reset the time-looked at my kitchen clock and guess what time it was, 3:05! Fuck me. I thought it was like noontime, at the latest. Time flies when the circus is in town kids.

Ok I had to stop and wash my floor, but I'm back. Lost my train of thought a bit but with only the one brain cell I have left, its fuckin hard as hell to multi-task. I have been drinking so much coffee that the Starbucks stock had to have taken a hit today.

More good news. A family member approached me about going to an AA meeting for the first time. YEAAAAA! How sweet is that! He is supposed to come to a meeting with me tonight. My home group. So there are plenty of guys I can introduce him to, as well as be there for him through his first meeting. I have been WAITING for this to happen, and I am sooooooooo happy that he talked with me yesterday and said all the right things about why he wants to take this step. Hiding bottles, isolating, anxiety, health reasons, the insanity, the not being able to control it himself, etc. You know all the same reasons why we all (well, me anyway) surrendered. This makes Queenie a very happy girl.

See, even though I'm in the middle of a bunch of bullshit (that shit fairy NEEDS to move on for the love of GOD) there is still some pretty positive and uplifting stuff going on here. I am trying to ease my sons' pain and hopefully tonight my brother-in-law will begin to heal his troubled life. Things are looking up, the glass is half FULL. I always try to look at things optimistically. <---Is that even a word? Spell check will let me know. I think it is. lol. So I must go for now, I have brownies to bake for my fellow alkies in recovery tonight. I am the snack chick and I don't want them to go all crazy on me if there are no goodies. Boy, I can't wait to see BIL(brother-in-law) pick up a 24 hour chip tonight. With Gods help, anything is possible. He has definitely got my attention and I hope he's got my back. Thanks for the prayers. Queenie OUT

RAGE

I saw this in my son tonight. Big time. And it scared the living shit out of me. My son has NEVER made me feel afraid, until now. This child is bubbling over with rage and I don't know how to help him. He is calm at the moment but I will be calling his doctor tomorrow. Which will bring on a new episode I'm sure.

I allowed him to rage and spoke to him very calmly and told him I want to help him with his anger. I told him I loved him and couldn't stand to see him so troubled. He told me through clenched teeth and tears that it was never going to stop. I told him that I used to be angry and full of rage all the time and he asked me if I ever thought of killing myself or have I ever even tried to kill myself, like he has. Then he asked me if I ever though of killing someone else, like he has. All of this while breathing heavy and clenched teeth. Like I said it scared me, to think it is even worse than I knew.

I now understand why his doctor gave me a refrigerator magnet with a 1-800 number for the Emergency Mobile Psychiatric people, I almost used it tonight. I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. God help us. Please.

Dentist and School~Doesn't get more boring than this!!

My life is kind of boring, welcome to my world. So let me bore you with some highlights from my week.

I had a tooth filled. I went to the dentist to get a different tooth checked out and they discovered a brand spanky new cavity on the back side of my front tooth. Hooray! I couldn't get them to fill that fucker fast enough. When I get a cavity, I have to get it treated QUICK because for some reason my teeth deteriorate pretty quickly if I don't.

Can y'all picture the Queen with a missing FRONT tooth. I bet you could, I would really look like that awful pic I had posted. EW. I would be even more of a loser magnet than I am now. If that's even possible.

I had a meeting with my son's school. Apparently my son has decided to do NOTHING in class for the past few weeks. Nothing, nada, zilch, zero. Nice. His grades went from C's and better in EVERYTHING to 4 F's in the past month.

Now let me back up the old school bus a bit and explain a few things. I am a mom who is VERY involved in my sons' education. They know this. The staff and I are on a first name basis. Before school started I REQUESTED a meeting with the new team of teachers and administrators, yada, yada. We did indeed have this meeting. At this meeting I told everyone present that I want to know IMMEDIATELY if there is a problem with J. With his behavior, school work, anything. I don't want to know when he has F's on his progress report for Christ sake! He has NEVER had an F or a D on any progress/report card! Never!

I don't want to know there is a problem with his behavior when you are calling in a goddamn police youth officer (like they did 2 years ago) Maybe I'm a dumb ass, but if things have gotten this far then THERE ARE PROBLEMS THAT NEED TO BE DISCUSSED WITH HIS MOTHER!

So this is what the little shit has been doing. He had a problem with Mr. Gym Teacher and he started going to the Guidance Office(G/O) during gym, which was not a big deal at the time. I was notified about that. Well I guess little by little, J has been going to G/O during regular classes. He sits there and reads and they were ok with that I suppose. (Part of his IEP plan is that the G/O is his "safe" place to go when he is feeling overwhelmed in class) But COME ON. It got so bad, he was spending a good part of his school day in there! Shame on them for allowing it, and shame on J for taking advantage. So they just let him sit there and do NO school work. Nice.

His special ed teacher is a dunce, I swear. Nice enough man but he lets J walk all over him. He said J won't do any work for him so he just lets him read instead of work. WHAT? The past two years J has had 2 other spec ed teachers and it wasn't all peaches and cream with them either, but they were able to motivate J and he would work for them. I believe this is their JOB. Those 2 ladies he had were amazing. The school psychologist and I spoke later and she is very disappointed in the way he just lets my son do nothing, and doesn't even try to work with him. UGH! So the new plan is Mommy gets to help Jonathon with his assignments because he WILL work for me. I will sick my brother on him, believe me when I tell you all I have to do is threaten to call his uncle and he will do it.

I am beyond pissed that they let it get this far without notifying me. I bought J's counselor with me to this meeting. She told me she was impressed at how I was able to keep my cool in this situation. Later on the school psychologist told me the same thing. The old Denise would have definitely ripped a few of them new assholes. OR I would not even have cared because I was only worried about gettin my drink on. But, now that I sober and all, we devised a plan to try to get him productive again. It turns out that plan is ME. Mom. I get to work with him at home. He is on vacation this coming week, but I have a nice packet of assignments he needs to do while he is on vac! Hmmm. I wonder if the town will send me a check for doing the spec ed guy's job? The school is going to make sure that there is always work available for him to do when he goes to visit G/O as well. He is going to be told if he can't be in class he still needs to do whatever assignment they give him. If he still continues to refuse to work, I will pick up those assignments and he can do them at home. It's gonna put a serious crimp in his leisure time at home.

Now this kid of mine is diagnosed bipolar. I know he is struggling. But he is very intelligent and it is not work that he doesn't understand. I will help him as much as I can. But he is in such a funk that he cannot seem to get out of. He tells me he's angry and has been for a month or so, And he doesn't know why. He is also 13 and the Puberty Fairy has been visiting lately. He's got a lot going on for such a young boy. It hurts me to know he's got all that going on, but he must get at least a high school education to be able to succeed in this life. I will do my damdest to see that he get a diploma!

Its getting late~The Queen needs her rest. Good night my fellow blogger buddies. Queen OUT.

Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

"I struggle to open my eyes. Leave me alone. I want to sleep. My body is heavy, my head is swirling. How long has my alarm been ringing? Okay, I'm awake. I sit up in bed dazed. "Hurry, Hurry or you'll be late! Why are you so sleepy?" My nightmare woke me up. I couldn't sleep, I needed to stay awake. I didn't want to dream again. I stumble to my dresser. Where are the socks I like? Not this pair! They never feel right. The top is crooked and they go up too high. I hate the way they feel! No choice. On to breakfast. Who ate my waffles? There is only one left. You know I need two. One is uneven. I NEED two. There aren't two. I won't eat. I'll just brush my teeth. I can't go in the bathroom. It was in my nightmare. The bathroom isn't safe. I can't brush my teeth. It's time to leave. I can't leave. What if my house catches on fire? What if my parents die? I need to stay home. My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?"

Sadly, this is the mind of an adolescent child suffering from bi-polar disorder. Left untreated this is how the rest of the day would play out:

The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. First hour I fall asleep on my desk. The kids laugh when the teacher wakes me up to go to the next class. Am I dreaming again? Is this real? I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. Are they laughing at me again? What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class? I better check my schedule. "Don't fidget in class. Pay Attention! You can check your schedule later." I don't listen. I have to know what comes next. Okay...third hour is next. I won't go to the wrong class. Extra work because I didn't pay attention? Not again!

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know they won't let me call unless I'm sick. My stomach is rumbling. Can I go to the nurse? Okay, I'll finish my test tomorrow. I call from the nurse's office. Nobody answers. Mom didn't say she was going somewhere today. Did the house catch on fire? Is she okay? My stomach churns. The nurse gives me crackers to settle my stomach. That helps. Go back to class. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. I have one friend. He's absent today. Where will I sit? I find a place in the corner of the room and eat. I hope nobody notices me.

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Sit on the bench? But it wasn't my fault, he was in the way. He shouldn't take the ball from me. That makes me SO MAD! I'm HOT and my sock isn't right! I could redesign this gym. The bleachers don't belong here. Is my mom okay? I remember my dream. I don't want to remember my dream. I have to move or I will die. I run up and down the stairs.

Fifth hour is science. I feel better. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. Maybe the office lady will let me check on my mom. She asks me why I need to call. I can't tell her. It will sound stupid. I tell her I don't remember if I am supposed to ride the bus or be picked up. She believes me. Please answer! "Mom, are you picking me up today?""Of course, I am. I told you that this morning. Is everything okay?" "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can make it now.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher is glaring at me. Am I supposed to be doing something? It's my homework. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Do you want to fail?" She yells at me! I feel stupid. I know I did it. I just can't find it. My stomach churns again. I need to get out of here. The classroom is noisy. My head will explode if I don't leave. Please let me leave. Can I use the bathroom? I really have to go! I walk as slowly as I can to the bathroom. My head feels better. My stomach stops churning. I reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I can't go in. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard. I did it! School is almost out. I'm going to make it! Hurray! I run out of the bathroom and into Ms. Strict and knock her over. Not Ms. Strict! I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. To the Dean's office. In trouble again. I almost made it this time. I'm really sorry.
I'll try again tomorrow. I really try. School is so hard. Won't somebody help me?

Thankfully there is help for these kids. With counseling, patience, lots of love and the right medication this child's day would go like this:

My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?
The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. Before first hour I check in with the nurse like I always do. I tell her my day didn't start so good. She gives me pretzels to eat. I feel better. But what if I need to call my mom? She reminds me that I can go to Mr. Counselor anytime if I get panicked about my parents. Okay. I know I can check on them if I need to.

First hour I start to fall asleep on my desk. Ms. Helpful asks me if I can help her with an activity. She knows I m a good helper. The kids are jealous because they wish they could help too. Onto second hour. I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class?

Ms. Caring could tell I was getting uncomfortable because I turned over the red card on my desk to give her a secret message. She came over right away. I can tell you are a little distracted. We are going to work for 10 more minutes on this project and then you can use the last five minutes of class to organize yourself. You will be going to Ms. Writes class next. She winked at me and smiled. I like Ms. Caring. I work really hard for the next 10 minutes.

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know I can go to Mr. Counselor if I need to. My stomach starts churning. Ms. Write asks me if I want to take the test in the small quiet room with Ms. Aide. She writes the answers as I dictate them. She knows it's hard for me to think and write at the same time. I did really well. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. My best friend is absent today. Where will I sit? Oh there's Joe. He s my study partner in social skills class. I like him. He wants me to sit with him. I eat my lunch and talk with Joe. He doesn't like the way it smells in here either!

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Oh the Coach needs me. It s time for a water break? I don t want to leave the game but coach says just for a second to get some water. The water tastes so good and cold. I didn't even know I was thirsty. I take a second drink. I feel much cooler. Remember the best players know their teammates and make them work hard too. Yeah I shouldn't have to make all the shots. It s hard work running up and down the court all hour. Coach says I m a good player. Then just for fun I run up and down all the stairs in the gym. It s a pretty cool gym but they really should change where the bleachers go.

Fifth hour is science. It s my favorite class. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. I m still worried about my mom. I stop in Mr. Counselor's office. He wears funny shoes but he s nice. He lets me call my mom. I hope she's okay. I hope she answers Please answer! "Mom, remember you re picking me up today?" "I remember. Are you in Mr. Counselor s office? Is everything okay "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can t wait to be out of school.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher reminds me that my homework is due. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Don t panic, I m sure it s in there somewhere! She helps me look through my bag. There it is!! How did it get in my reading folder? The classroom is getting noisy. It s giving me a headache. I feel like my head will explode if I don't leave. I turn over my red card. The teacher sees that the noise is really getting to me. She sends Joe and me together on a bathroom break. We walk slowly to the bathroom. My head feels better. We reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I don t want to go in but I really have to go. Are you coming? asks Joe. Yeah in a minute. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard but trying not to let Joe see it. I don t want him to know I m scared. Look at that! says Joe. What is it? Suddenly I forget my dream. Somebody stuffed one of the toilets full of paper towels! What a mess! Joe and I hurry out of the bathroom. We almost knocked Ms. Strict right off her feet. Good thing I wasn't running. We tell Ms. Strict about the bathroom. Thank you boys! Will you please go get the janitor for me so we can get this mess cleaned up. I' m so glad you boys caught it when you did.

I check in with the nurse before I go home for the day. How was my day? It was pretty good but I' m glad school is out! I' ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for all the help!

When I read this, I was crushed. Knowing that my son was suffering like this every day. I am happy to say that he is finally on the right meds that help him have a day like the last scenario. Be an advocate for your child. Go to school and demand that they are given the help that they need and deserve. These kids are our future and they deserve the very best care.

*I wrote this entry in another blogspot a while back. Unfortunately, my son is having a rough time-we are working on his meds and continue therapy as well. My whole heart aches for him when he is suffering.....