WE WILL be ok

Here I sit, first thing on a damn Sunday morning-first one in AGES that I have not had to work and I am AWAKE. What the hell! I took a few mental health days, MUCH needed ones indeed.

I was planning on taking a small trip. We haven't really been anywhere since I went and bought my home last year. It was time to get away. BUT, it was not to be. You see I have a beautiful 15 year old son who informed me that he didn't want to go. "Just leave me 200 bucks, and I'll eat out every night." Ya, mama doesn't think so.

My son is suffering. He is so severly depressed, like I have never seen him before. The last few weeks have been hell. He is posting suicidal thoughts on his Facebook account. He tells me every day that he wants to kill himself. I told his therapist all of this and they came this close >.< to hospitalizing him.

He has been depressed for years. Doesn't help that he is basically screaming out for help on his facebook page and no one on his bio dads (POS) side is being the least bit supportive. As in NO RESPONSE from them at all. No phone calls, nothing. I think that is what he wants. No, I KNOW thats what he wants. His father ignores his mental illness, his sister (POS's Daughter) does too. He loves these people (yea, I don't get it either) and they just simply do not care.

All I can do is support him, love him and pray to God that he gets some relief from this GODDAMMED depression soon.

Oh and I am still sober, otherwise how would I be able to care for my baby? That might just be the biggest gift of my sobriety-the ability to be a real mom who is present for my boy.

QUEEN..........OUT

I'm Tellin'

On myself that is. I am feeling down in the dumps. I am NOT feeling like drinking, but I am on the verge of tears. This is a common occurrence around Christmas. I know I will get over it. But it still sucks big donkey dick. I lost my dad on December 19th in 1991 and I think that's when it began. I miss the hell out of him. Christmas was non-existent for me until Prince was born in 1997. Now I do it because I HAVE to for him. I put on a happy mommy face for him, but its not how I feel inside. I need to be up for a bit to set up some gifts and do the stocking and then I am going nitey nite and I hope I have some sweet dreams cause I shore could a good one right about now. THERE, now that I dumped that out into the blogosphere I should be good now, right?

Merry Christmas to all.....Queen.....OUT

Can't Stay Too Long

Because its my day off and I GOT MY LAZY ASS UP and began my day volunteering at my sons' school. They're having a book fair and when I told him they called needing volunteers, he was NOT pleased that I agreed to help out. As long as HE didn't have to actually SEE me there, he was OK with it. Little shit.
I got caffeine in my system and when I got home I WAS going to mow the lawn. Then I talked myself right outta that one! I have teenagers that need to be doing that kind of work around here. I may try to do some of it later on this afternoon, we'll see.
I am doing floors, laundry, dishes. You know all the crap I have been avoiding due to a combination of depression and flat out laziness. So lemme get off of here and get back to work, while I still have the urge to get something done.
Have yourselves a great afternoon~ QUEEN....OUT

Sunday Secrets

I knew that word would SUCK you in. hehe. I got NO secrets, not anymore. Well I do have one, kinda. Yesterday was Queens' Birthday and to be honest with you it was not a big deal W~ H~ A ~T ~S~ O~ E~ V ~E ~R. I spent most of it SLEEPING. I took the day off and slept. Until my sister stopped in and woke me to present me with some gifts (thanks Sista). I think (I know) that my sleeping habits lately are due to depression. I'm on medication for it and for the most part its under control. I use sleep to escape. Better than how I used to escape, but still not good. This time of the year is a trigger for me. I lost my Mom in May and I had a pretty devastating, life-changing event happen in May a few years ago. I hardly ever think of it anymore but it has continued to affect me. This too shall pass. It will and I will be fine, I'm certainly not going to drink over it. I am on my way to a meeting, so I will close with some good old gratitude.

Today I am grateful for~

• being one year older, and still sober. There was a time when I REALLY thought I would not see 40. I turned 45 yesterday.


• working 6 hours of double time today


• a dependable vehicle to get me where I need to be


• a kick-ass sister~love my Vivvy


• a great kid, who is becoming quite a helpful and loving young man


• my sober friends, in real life and the cyber-sober ones too


• yet ANOTHER new boss, who is kind to me and has kids too~so he get it that sometimes I need to take off with a minutes notice


• my bills are slow but sure getting paid off. Funny how that works huh?


• a friend who gifted me with clothing that no longer fits her son, boy did that come in handy!


• my friend Heather is back home with her children, taking it slow. One minute at a time-but that's OK.

Good night to you all, Happy Sober Sunday~QUEEN.....OUT