The Payoff

I'm finally starting to see all of my hard work and sleepless nights are paying off. I just went into my son's room to remind him to take his meds tonight and what happened next is what I'm talking about. He said "OK Mom" and as I went to close the door he called out to me. I opened the door as he was turning off the video game and he said "I love you". I said "I love you too buddy, is everything OK?" to which he replied "I don't think I tell you enough, and you know-you're not gonna be around forever!" HOW SWEET IS THAT???? O, My GOD! I love that boy with my whole heart and try to raise him to be a kind, loving, compassionate, and productive person and I think he gets it.

I just had to share this tender moment between my son and I with you. He just made this mommas day!!! God is good, and sobriety ROCKS my friends!

Back in My Castle

Yer Queen is back home from our mini vacay in Lake George. It was bootyful. They scenery was nice but my son was NOT. I hate to say it like that but dammit if I mouthed off and talked to my mother like he did to me I would be wearing my teeth on the back of my scull. We got our asses beat. Oh yea. And guess what? WE DESERVED IT! There were six children and I don't blame that woman (Mom) for whipping out the paddle when needed. But my friends, it is a new age. We are not allowed to "beat" our children these days. How do I know this? Oh, because MY SON TOLD ME SO! haha.

Son: "If you slap me then I'LL call the police!"
Me: "Here gimme that phone, I'll dial it for ya."
Son: "Nice."
Me: "Then when they get here they can take you away to the land of the foster children, you know the ones that live in a basement and have never heard of Pokemon or ice cream."

Son is only 13. Son is diagnosed clinically depressed with anxiety disorder. Oh AND he is bipolar. And he's 13! I know this is just the beginning of my hell. Oh, AND I am a recovering alcoholic and can't drink over it. DAMMIT.

TO BE CONTINUED: I have to go to the store and get devil child some fruit. There's no ice cream in this castle for misbehaving children. I am such a mean Mom.

Ok I'm back. I went to the store that I spent 8 hours working in today to get the above mentioned fruit and other odds and ends. Like yogurt - and wheat bread. Things that my son needs to get used to eating. He is on 3-going on 4-different meds. One of them makes him crave carbs. He eats NON-STOP. He is gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. So I need to be diligent about what I bring in this house for food. I have been buying healthier food since we got back. A lot of our arguments on vacay were over FOOD. He wanted it constantly. I feel for him. He really cannot help his appetite right now. I know it's driven by the frigging meds he is taking. But its FRUSTRATING to say the least.

Moving on. I received a call from the AA hotline tonight. Someone was in need. I am ashamed to say I ALMOST didn't answer it. I hesitated. Then I remembered that I gave the hotline my number to help another sick and suffering human being. Someone was there for me when I needed help. This is what we do. We pass it on. The last time I got a call from the hotline I ended up talking to someone who wanted me to be their personal driver to get to meetings. I'm pretty sure that's not what the hotline is intended for. So I answered it tonight and was given a number to call. A woman needed someone to talk to. She was drunk as a skunk. Big surprise there! I am going to call her in the morning and possibly pick her up for a meeting tomorrow evening.

She is someone who has been sober for different lengths (years) of time, but thought she could handle "controlled" drinking. Does that sound at all familiar to any of my alkie friends out in blogland? It sure sounded familiar to me! I spent 13 years "controlling" my drinking after my first attempt at sobriety (first rehab) before I finally got sober this time. Oh and what a grand 13 years it was. I had a few realtionships-one which was abusive (POS) I fell off a deck and broke my neck (drunk, of course!) had a baby, lost both parents and a sister, and somehow survived it all. I am grateful to be able to be here to tell you that I got past all that and then some. Lord knows I should have been dead a long time ago. But I am not. I am alive and well, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Oh, and God. QUEEN.....OUT

Commencement Day

I swore to him I wouldn't have worn curlers, my bathrobe and inadvertently picked my nose at ALL if I could just see my son graduate from Middle School today. He wasn't havin' it, nope. I think this is how he pictured me in the auditorium and he was not going for any of it, not a chance. So my kid "chooses not to participate" in the ceremony that is planned for 11 am this morning. I was really upset about it when he told me the other day. I took the day off without telling him and I really WAS just going to slip in and watch without him knowing I was there(you know so I COULD pick my nose). The he tells me he wasn't "participating"-his words. He said why bother, why would he want to draw attention to himself by going up on stage to get a "fake" piece of paper that didn't mean anything. He is killing me I tell you. I know this is part of his bipolar and depression talking. He is doing way better than he has been, but anything that puts him in the spotlight or makes him the center of attention is off limits to him. His self esteem is in the crapper. Even when we have something for his birthday, he doesn't feel comfortable. Being in a room full of people freaks him out too. J does NOT do crowds. All of this makes me sad, I wish I could make it all better for him. I wish I could wave a magic wand or something and make him well. But all I can do is continue to do what I already have been doing. Continue his treatment and hope that he continues to improve. I insisted that he go to school anyway but I agreed to pick him up early. He was NOT going to miss one more (especially the LAST) day of school. He wasn't happy about it but he did go.

In other news POS is dragging his feet on getting J's insurance from the state. My insurance for his meds is capping out like yesterday and we need this so our son can have his medication. I have called him every day for the past few days and he promised to call yesterday to check on it. It was denied initially and I told him to call them and find out WHY because he definitely qualifies. We have NEVER had to ask for help from the state for anything and now that it is needed they are jerking us around. I see people every DAY who are receiving this and that from this state that do not , or should not be getting the very thing that I need for my son. It is something I need to pray on, and I have faith it will all work out. As long as POS does his part (ooh a phone call) like he said he would.

*Update*
I stopped typing and called POS while it was fresh in my not so fresh memory and he DID call them yesterday and they said it was going to cost $175.00 per month to have the insurance. I told him its better than the $500.00 co pay I currently pay out of MY pocket and he actually agreed. They are sending him more paperwork and I told him to let me know when it comes in and we will work something out. Now this loser IS on unemployment (like $450 a week) and he has NO bills besides child support that he actually pays. He lives/sponges off of his lady friend. He is supposedly not drinking again. So realistically he CAN afford it. BUT I am going to call the state myself and find out WHY it will be costing so much. For crying out loud, what's a girl gotta do to get on the welfare!

My pharmacist/friend suggested that I call/visit online the manufacturers of the drugs that J is on and they have programs that provide for people who need assistance. I did that and don't see where I qualify for any of that. If anyone knows of any other way to get help, please let a girl know! I'm thinking of hooking up with a wealthy senior citizen with one foot in tha grave but I'm not actually there YET. What we mommies have to do for the well being for our babies, I swear!

Well I must go get ready to pick up my kid. You all have a super duper day and I shall catcha all later. QUEEN......OUT

*UPDATE* Number 2
I just picked up my son and the auditorium was full, the commencement ceremony in full swing. I cried. I didn't let him see that, but it was sad for me. He just couldn't get out of there fast enough. Sigh.

Checking In

Hello friends-- I am tired as hell and can only stay for a few minutes. Here's what I've been up to the last few days:

• I am on *vacation* from work-I am very fortunate to have a butt load of vacation time and I am soooo grateful for that!


• this is a working vacation, but that is OK.


• I am finally getting off my dead ass, and I feel much better mentally


• physically however, I do not. I am getting a cold and that's what I get for boasting that I NEVER get sick


• I helped move my sister-in-law out of her house the last few days, holy hell she has a lot of *stuff*. We got done at about 3 o'clock this morning.


• even though it was basically just the two of us women moving EVERYTHING including my *new refrigerator and stove*(YAY) we had a blast and I love this girl to pieces.


• this SIL is POS's sister(and a very good friend of mine), and during the move I got to see and speak his other siblings and I think they no longer think I am such a bitch, or whatever they thought I was. It was nice catching up with them and knowing they no longer hold a grudge.


• I did get my new appliances, but the are currently in my living room (HAHA) until I get the new floor installed. This will hopefully happen in the next few days.


• I had a PPT meeting with my son's current school and his new high school team. He is going to a Tech high school and I am very excited for him. He got to sit in on this meeting and I was VERY proud of him, he answered questions appropriately and was on his best behavior for the new administrators. I see maturity creeping up in many ways with him recently and I am very proud of my boy.


• my son and my son from anotha mutha helped over the weekend with the move. It's amazing what 13 year olds will do for you when you flip them 20 bucks!

~Gratitude~

Today I am grateful for:

• having God back in my life-


• having relatively good health, now if I could just "make the decision" to stop smoking...


• being able to let go and let God


• my son. In many ways, that kid has saved my life~


• my sister, I love her to pieces and wish her nothing but the best.


• for patience ~ that I have been able to hold back and not kidnap her from her hell. I know she will "make her decision" when the time is right.


• my awesome job, and the support of my coworkers.


• my new girlfriends in AA, boy when we drunks clean up there's some pretty darn cool people under all that mess!


• being willing and able to help those that want and need it.


• I am happy to be sober and available for my son and his needs. I see much improvement and that is truly a miracle.


• that I'm able to recognize these miracles happening all around me.


• that these miracles are happening to ME and I kinda like that.


• no stress in my life, yep thats right NONE-Let Go Let GOD~


• for some pretty nice people I have met on blogger in the last few months, I truly enjoy reading all of your experience, strength and hope every day.

Thanks all of you for your kindness and prayers for Heather at "I've Got Poop In My Pocket". This is what I mean about all you cool people. I have not heard from her, she is still in my prayers and I hope she is ok. Heather if you read this, please email me when you get a minute.

Lazy Wednesday

Today was my day off and I started out by getting the boy off to school. He has been MUCH better in the mornings. Between meds, getting a detention that he hated and just plain maturity-I think he has grown dramatically in the past month alone. I have not had school call with any problems, he has been pretty pleasant around the house too. I just got his progress report and he got all C's and better. A far cry from the four F's that graced the last report! So things are definitely looking up. YEEHAW!
I went to a women's meeting with a friend this afternoon (after sleeping in MOST of the day-not good). I am glad she called me because I was THINKING of going but in the back of my mind I really didn't want to go. When I got the call, I suggested we go to the women's meeting that she had never attended and off we went. She loved it, and I am glad I got off my butt and went. We are planning on doing this every week-we shall see if I follow through. I have been having a problem with following through on anything for a while now. I procrastinate the shit outta everything and out of all of my character defects, this one bothers me the most. When I DO get off said butt I am pretty happy with what I get accomplished. Its the actual physically MOVING my ass and getting going that's the issue. If my GF had not called me, I would have stayed home. I am a work in progress, and always will be. I called it procrastination and I really need to face what it really is. Its laziness. Laziness can and will get me into trouble. I am going to start to pray on that for myself. Yep that's what I will do, give it to God and hopefully He will give me the energy and strength I need to get even the simplest things done. I think it has a lot to do with depression as well. Look at me, diagnosing MYSELF. Now I am my own therapist too.

I am gonna go read some of your experience, strength and hope and wish you all a great evening. Its truly a gift to be sober today, I might even try it again tomorrow. QUEEN.....OUT

Dinner Conversation-With Tweens

So I sat in a Subway sandwich shop with my son and my nephew(my son from anotha mutha) this evening. We are all enjoying our dinner when I say "I don't care, I LOVE my food, I don't care about dieting-I just love my food too much" and my son says "Guess you don't care that you're never gonna get laid again". Yes. He said that to his mommy. My nephew munched away and said "Can we NOT talk about this?" HA HA. I said something like no, I think we should talk about periods, puberty and the whole kittin kaboodle. Needless to say, they were both pretty quiet through the rest of our little dinner. I heart tweens. I really do.

Keep It Simple Stupid

Oh MY GOODNESS!! I have had quite the evening. Tonight I attended my favorite meeting in town, the one that got me sober. I raised my hand at one of the first meetings and volunteered to be the coffee maker and that saved my ass. Its great if you go to meetings on a regular basis, but if you don't get INVOLVED in the program chances are that you will probably not make it. I suppose that is my opinion and like Syd mentioned in his post today, take what you want out of what you read here and leave the rest. But I have seen it with my very own eyes, the people who get involved-chairing, treasurer, GSR, greeter, coffee-WHATEVER-generally do well when combined with working the oh so important steps.
So anyway, the actual meeting went well and then there was a business meeting afterward. This meeting was to discuss a picnic that we are planning at the Beach House where we hold our meeting. A picnic. Pretty simple right? Well get a room full of alcoholics and addicts planning it and the next thing you know you would think we were planning something like Woodstock for chrissake. They were all cross talking, shouting, arguing and getting nothing accomplished. I took my buddy in recovery (the one who wants me but will never have me hehe) aside and said "Let's make a run for it-- we're so outta here" lol. And we left. And it felt good. When and if they have Woodstock I will make a potato salad, open the building for them and that's it. End of discussion for me! Way to complicate a hot dog meeting folks. I could not get outta there fast enough. I like to get involved like I said above BUT when everyone is getting all worked up for nothing I just choose to let them all try to figger that shit out on their own. YOU try telling 20 or so drunks that they are wrong, or that they should just keep it simple. It can get ugly and I have had enough ugly for a lifetime THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It was amusing sitting in the back and watching them for like a minute and then I did what I had to do and now I am home chuckling about it. I'll be sure to let y'all know how it turns out. hehe.
My son is doing OK, but his Doctor wants to run some tests. J is NOT A HAPPY CAMPER about this. He has NEVER had blood drawn and has informed me that he WILL NOT be letting anyone draw blood. Nope, not happenin. OY. If anyone has any advice on how to get a kid to submit to a blood test, please share. He's too damn big to hold him down, and I know my kid-he WILL fight it. He really needs the blood work and I need a solution. I will pray on it, and I will get an answer. He also needs a MRI (which I THINK is a brain scan). That is painless but could be scary for him. I don't know. But he is getting tremors (he calls them mini seizures) and it needs to be checked. He also gets the "shakes" as he calls them and that is what the blood work is for. So any advise from my fellow bloggers would be greatly appreciated. Between God and you all, I'm sure I will find a solution.

Gratitude list Du jour:

• That you stopped by to read my ramblings, for that I am grateful....


• for my 1244th day of abstinence from mind altering substances....


• to have a few really great friends in recovery....


• that I have the next TWO days off from work....


• that I know madness when I see it and know when it's time to scoot the hell outta there....


• I am grateful that I got a new boss at work and he's a pretty cool dude....


• for my not so little guy, J-He's a handful but I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything....


• a great job, and supervisors who know I give them my best when I'm there....


• family....


• a car that is all MINE sitting in the driveway....

I could go on all night but that will do for now

Have a good night you buncha alkies, addicts and al-anoners. And please remember to K.I.S.S.!

Queen....OUT

Its About Time

I am feeling so stinkin' blessed today...somebody pinch me! It must be a dream. Naw don't pinch me yet.....I'm not done feeling yet!

I just got some GRRRRRREAT news from a family member. She has finally found a way OUT of a VERY dysfunctional household. My dearest, sweetest loving sister has found a place of her very own. YAY. It's not happening till June-but I do see it happening. She waited for the right opportunity and it arrived today and I couldn't be happier. God is so good.

My son is doing well. I got a call from his guidance counselor today and he is doing much better in class. He is putting out a good effort and that is HUGE compared to the last update. He is doing well at home as well. Between the new med (Abilify) and the warm weather he is a new kid. We take his illness like I do mine, one day at a time. It is much more manageable this way.

I am going to my Beach House meeting tonight. I love my homies. I see them elsewhere, in other meetings and around town but this is where we all get together and it is the absolute best group in AA. If you don't think that about YOUR home group-find another one. We have a business meeting tonight and that is usually pretty interesting. Tonight we elect new people for different jobs. Last time this happened one member freaked out because he couldn't chair. He's calmed down a bit in the last few weeks. We shall see if "him" comes out to play tonight. I will TRY to keep my mouth shut this time. I said TRY. So, I shall blog atcha's later. Have a blessed evening y'all. QUEEN....OUT

No Fair

I am feeling a bit melancholy-so bear with me here. I am feeling sorry for my kid. I feel sorry for him because all he has to do is hang out here at our house with ME. Mom. Big fucking deal. I think it's fair to say that he doesn't have a real friend. I think his illness prevents him from becoming close to any of his peers from school. He's not the friendliest person on the school scene. He keeps to himself in class. He is my baby and I could just bust out in tears at this very moment because he is so alone. He claims to like it that way (I do too sometimes) but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want him to be genuinely happy. I want him to have dreams and have goals in life-but he sees nothing but sadness. He can't see beyond this darkness. He feels that this is where he will always be. I just can't accept that. I will keep working on him. And his meds. And his therapy. And maybe we will see that miracle happen.
I called a relative to look after J when I go on my retreat in a few weeks and she said she could not do it-she would be visiting her sister in Georgia. This woman is the sister of my baby daddy. The woman she is going to be visiting in Georgia is another of baby daddy's sisters. I used to be BFF's with her until my relationship with baby daddy went south. Baby daddy has 4 sisters and all but one of them shunned me when I had him thrown in jail for beating on me. So much for women stickin' together. Blood is indeed thicker than water folks. I'm sure my drunken behavior played a part in our parting of ways. But were were besties and I miss her. I just found out that this trip includes my sons sister who just moved to Chicago and his niece who he misses terribly. He has been in a DEEP depression since they left right after Xmas. J's aunt and sister both KNOW how much this move has affected him. I hope J does not find out that they are all going on a happy vacation without him. Oh GOD please don't let him find out.

GRRRRRRR --A letter to the Principal

Mr Jones is the Special ed teacher who IMHO is doing a pretty crapilicious job of educating my son. I wrote a letter to the Principal-cause thats the kind of mom I am these days. Don't be dissin' my kid. Let us not forget how POWERFUL I am! Let me know what you think!

Dear Mr Principal:

I am writing to let you know that I am pretty upset with the Js' progress (or lack of). His progress report reflects the grades that we discussed at our last PPT. I was expecting this. I requested to Mr. Jones that I be made aware of any homework or missing assignments. This doesn't happen. Ever. In checking the Parent Connect website I see that he has many assignments missing or failed. News to me. I can see that he is working on his assignments, I go through his binder and I can see the difference. I requested to be kept up to speed on Js' daily progress, so far I have heard from Joyce Schmenk-which is greatly appreciated. I don't want everyone to drop what they're doing and cater to me, but what do I have to do to get a response here?
You may notice I did not include Mr. Jones in this email. The reason for this is that I am VERY unhappy with the way he interacts with my son. The problem I have is that he DOESN'T interact with him. If J doesn't feel like working-then so be it. He actually said this at our last meeting, if you recall. It has been bothering me ever since. That is Mr. Jones attitude and it is unacceptable to me. I have been very happy with the Resource teachers that we have had for J in the past but I am pretty much done with Mr. Jones.
I realize that ultimately it is J' responsibility to get his work done but he DOES have learning disabilities that Mr. Jones is supposed to be helping him with. I'm pretty sure its his job to help children like J and others to be better able to cope and manage themselves in the school environment despite their disabilities. Now if J is not doing homework or class assignments I should be notified, like I requested. If necessary I will forward a copy of the email I sent to Mr. Jones after our last PPT asking for this kind of feedback.
I have ranted enough. I would like a PPT scheduled at your earliest convenience. I need someone working with my son who has his best interests in mind.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank You--

Mommie Dearest


I hope I don't get a detention for being bitchy, I am sick and tired of this mans' laziness or whatever it is that is keeping him from working with my son the way he is BEING PAID to!
Thanks for listening - night all. Queen....OUT

Tardiness-

I just got my son off to school. I dropped him off ON TIME today. Whenever I drive him in, he has more than enough time to get in there and show his face in homeroom to avoid a tardy. He's been late more times this year than I care to mention. I am usually at work when he departs in the morning. I call him, text him and all is supposedly fine-until I get the call or email that he was LATE-AGAIN. I am off today and I was here during his morning routine, and I tell you I wanted to put my foot up his arse. Absolutely NO sense of urgency. At the ten minutes left to leave warning, he still had no shoes on, no teeth brushed. UGH. Is this a guy thing? A kid thing? I can't figger it out! Even with me NAGGING (or so he says-cute huh?) him he is still on that one speed. I am not a great example, damn AA-I must be honest here. I usually leave for work in the morning with a toothbrush in one hand and applying hairspray and makeup with the other. But geezzuss-what's a mom to do. I told the school to just give him detentions, let him see how he likes staying late every time he's late. Well people, I just had to vent-I got a dentist appt in a bit, its for a cleaning but the filling I got a few weeks ago FELL OUT and they will be repairing that as well. Its on my FRONT top tooth, I can't lose that one. I have enough issues without having a big ole gap in my face-thank u very much. Have an awesome day you bunch 'o' drunks. Queen....OUT

What's up in Queens World

It's almost beddie bye time but I thought I'd check in with all my alkies before I turn in. I bet you're THRILLED!

My son is doing MUCH better, thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.....You all just amaze me with your love and comments and suggestions. The prayers have worked, and the med changes have certainly made a difference. Thank you God! I was really afraid, actually scared of my own kid-and that was an awful feeling. I often wonder if I am doing the right thing-with the meds and all, but seeing him in such a state was quite an eye-opener. I think we are all just wired differently and some of us need medication to function properly. Pretty simple it seems, but its really not. There are the side effects, the stigma, the sense of being or feeling different than your friends. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but we are taking that a day at a time-much like my recovery. Thinking about it in small pieces like that makes it much easier to handle.

I went to my Beach House meeting tonight. It was awesome as usual. I have a friend there who is working on her 4th step and was so excited to let me know that her sponsor said when she is done with her 5th, she will be able to begin sponsoring. She is DYING to get her hands on me! HEHE. She knows I'm sponsor less at the moment and she wants Queenie in a bad way. LOL. How sick am I when sponsors seek to sponsor ME! I though it was supposed to be the other way around, but hey-I would gladly accept the help. She is right, I DO need a sponsor and I admire the way she is working HER program. I know that if I don't begin some serious step work I will be in some deep doo-doo. I don't look good in doo-doo so Step work it is.

Mr Jackass received his 10 year medallion tonight. Whoopdie-fuckin-doo. He was so ungracious that I coulda just reached over and slapped the shit outta him. BUT I did not, I congratulated him when it was my turn to share. I hope it sounded sincere, but it didn't feel like it when I said it. He is just a miserable fuck and I need to accept that and get over it. I was told to pray for him, so I suppose I could try that.

OK-Gratitude list and then Nitey nite:

• I have an awesome kid, I can't imagine life without him



• I have a job, car and roof over our heads



• I have genuine friends



• I have a house full of yummy food, which I am enjoying too much lately!



• I have the coolest blogger buddies on the planet



• Its almost spring-yeehaw



• I am going on a road trip with my drunks Thursday night, to a treatment center-carrying the message rocks



• My Higher Power



• my Family



• My new dew



• bills are paid!



• My warm blankie, which I am gonna go crawl under!

Night all, sweet dreams!! Queen....OUT

RAGE

I saw this in my son tonight. Big time. And it scared the living shit out of me. My son has NEVER made me feel afraid, until now. This child is bubbling over with rage and I don't know how to help him. He is calm at the moment but I will be calling his doctor tomorrow. Which will bring on a new episode I'm sure.

I allowed him to rage and spoke to him very calmly and told him I want to help him with his anger. I told him I loved him and couldn't stand to see him so troubled. He told me through clenched teeth and tears that it was never going to stop. I told him that I used to be angry and full of rage all the time and he asked me if I ever thought of killing myself or have I ever even tried to kill myself, like he has. Then he asked me if I ever though of killing someone else, like he has. All of this while breathing heavy and clenched teeth. Like I said it scared me, to think it is even worse than I knew.

I now understand why his doctor gave me a refrigerator magnet with a 1-800 number for the Emergency Mobile Psychiatric people, I almost used it tonight. I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. God help us. Please.

Dentist and School~Doesn't get more boring than this!!

My life is kind of boring, welcome to my world. So let me bore you with some highlights from my week.

I had a tooth filled. I went to the dentist to get a different tooth checked out and they discovered a brand spanky new cavity on the back side of my front tooth. Hooray! I couldn't get them to fill that fucker fast enough. When I get a cavity, I have to get it treated QUICK because for some reason my teeth deteriorate pretty quickly if I don't.

Can y'all picture the Queen with a missing FRONT tooth. I bet you could, I would really look like that awful pic I had posted. EW. I would be even more of a loser magnet than I am now. If that's even possible.

I had a meeting with my son's school. Apparently my son has decided to do NOTHING in class for the past few weeks. Nothing, nada, zilch, zero. Nice. His grades went from C's and better in EVERYTHING to 4 F's in the past month.

Now let me back up the old school bus a bit and explain a few things. I am a mom who is VERY involved in my sons' education. They know this. The staff and I are on a first name basis. Before school started I REQUESTED a meeting with the new team of teachers and administrators, yada, yada. We did indeed have this meeting. At this meeting I told everyone present that I want to know IMMEDIATELY if there is a problem with J. With his behavior, school work, anything. I don't want to know when he has F's on his progress report for Christ sake! He has NEVER had an F or a D on any progress/report card! Never!

I don't want to know there is a problem with his behavior when you are calling in a goddamn police youth officer (like they did 2 years ago) Maybe I'm a dumb ass, but if things have gotten this far then THERE ARE PROBLEMS THAT NEED TO BE DISCUSSED WITH HIS MOTHER!

So this is what the little shit has been doing. He had a problem with Mr. Gym Teacher and he started going to the Guidance Office(G/O) during gym, which was not a big deal at the time. I was notified about that. Well I guess little by little, J has been going to G/O during regular classes. He sits there and reads and they were ok with that I suppose. (Part of his IEP plan is that the G/O is his "safe" place to go when he is feeling overwhelmed in class) But COME ON. It got so bad, he was spending a good part of his school day in there! Shame on them for allowing it, and shame on J for taking advantage. So they just let him sit there and do NO school work. Nice.

His special ed teacher is a dunce, I swear. Nice enough man but he lets J walk all over him. He said J won't do any work for him so he just lets him read instead of work. WHAT? The past two years J has had 2 other spec ed teachers and it wasn't all peaches and cream with them either, but they were able to motivate J and he would work for them. I believe this is their JOB. Those 2 ladies he had were amazing. The school psychologist and I spoke later and she is very disappointed in the way he just lets my son do nothing, and doesn't even try to work with him. UGH! So the new plan is Mommy gets to help Jonathon with his assignments because he WILL work for me. I will sick my brother on him, believe me when I tell you all I have to do is threaten to call his uncle and he will do it.

I am beyond pissed that they let it get this far without notifying me. I bought J's counselor with me to this meeting. She told me she was impressed at how I was able to keep my cool in this situation. Later on the school psychologist told me the same thing. The old Denise would have definitely ripped a few of them new assholes. OR I would not even have cared because I was only worried about gettin my drink on. But, now that I sober and all, we devised a plan to try to get him productive again. It turns out that plan is ME. Mom. I get to work with him at home. He is on vacation this coming week, but I have a nice packet of assignments he needs to do while he is on vac! Hmmm. I wonder if the town will send me a check for doing the spec ed guy's job? The school is going to make sure that there is always work available for him to do when he goes to visit G/O as well. He is going to be told if he can't be in class he still needs to do whatever assignment they give him. If he still continues to refuse to work, I will pick up those assignments and he can do them at home. It's gonna put a serious crimp in his leisure time at home.

Now this kid of mine is diagnosed bipolar. I know he is struggling. But he is very intelligent and it is not work that he doesn't understand. I will help him as much as I can. But he is in such a funk that he cannot seem to get out of. He tells me he's angry and has been for a month or so, And he doesn't know why. He is also 13 and the Puberty Fairy has been visiting lately. He's got a lot going on for such a young boy. It hurts me to know he's got all that going on, but he must get at least a high school education to be able to succeed in this life. I will do my damdest to see that he get a diploma!

Its getting late~The Queen needs her rest. Good night my fellow blogger buddies. Queen OUT.

aaah this is the life...

I sit here wanting to write about a certain subject and as I sit at my desk I take a look to the right and I see a darling, absolutely adorable picture of my son taken when he was about 7-8 months old I suppose. Cutest baby in my world anyway. As I look a bit closer I see it.

S

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If you look at the wall (its not in the pic) around this "target" of someones fun you can see where they missed a few shots before they hit pay dirt. I just love raising boys. By boys (plural) I mean my own son and my son from anotha mutha-my nephew, the Bubsta. This deed has definitely got both of their stink all over it.

And then there's the "blob" stains that live on my living room ceiling. I had a halloween party and gave the kids these gooey eyeballs to play with. Its no wonder they were squealing with delight--out of sight in the living room--as we adults were sitting in the kitchen doing what adults do. Ignoring the children. Yep. I guess I totally asked for that.

Oh, and then there are the HOLES in various walls throughout the house. Holes that were mostly made while my "sons" were screwing around. Its all fun and games till someone goes through a wall. Then there's the fits of anger that my birth son has when he is goin' all bipolar on me. Did I mention I RENT this house? Oh yea-I gots some SERIOUS fixin' up to do when I move out of here.

The destruction isn't just for the house, my furniture is not immune from their wrath. I have a brand new recliner-well new at the time-that got ruined because these TWO rather LARGE boys decided to see if they could BOTH sit in it together, at the same time and they practically split that fucker in half. Yep. Our most recent incident was a few weeks ago when I came home to find my new futon busted with part of the frame BENT and broken. But no one would fess up to that one. It just BROKE ALL BY ITSELF. Riiiiiiiight. I am proud to say that I Queenie, fixed said futon ALL BY MYSELF. It wasn't an easy task but dammit I was determined, even made a trip to Lowes to get the right tools and proper screws and *wallah* just like new. Sadly, the recliner is beyond repair.

There's one more thing that drives me batshit crazy about these kids. My son has been BEGGING me for the longest time to get him an air soft gun. Long story short, I finally gave in. Now this is definitely an "outdoor" kinda gun. It kinda like a bb gun but is shoots these little plastic pellets, not the metal ones. I'm sure they could still shoot their eye out but hey, a boys gotta have fun, right? Well while momma was a work one day these sweet innocent little tweens decided to have an "air soft war" INSIDE my house and now everywhere I look, I see these these........

That little green thing is the "ammo" for the air soft gun. They are EVERYWHERE. Inside my shoes, inside Kleenex boxes, you name it. Ever have a New Years party and at midnight you toss confetti and you're still finding it on the Fourth of July? Well I have and that's what it feels like when I keep finding these little green presents. When you step on them it feels like someone just jabbed a knife in the bottom of your foot.

When all is said and done, I would not trade all of this for anything. I wasn't even supposed to be able to procreate, and look at me now! He was definitely a blessing and if not for him in my life I honestly don't think I would have cared if I lived or died while I was out there all effed up and killin' myself. I knew that if I didn't get better, he wasn't going to either. I finally surrendered on November 17, 2005. Ironically, this also happens to be my birth sons' actual birthday. I don't ever want to screw that up, and now I know I DON'T have to! Queenie OUT

Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

"I struggle to open my eyes. Leave me alone. I want to sleep. My body is heavy, my head is swirling. How long has my alarm been ringing? Okay, I'm awake. I sit up in bed dazed. "Hurry, Hurry or you'll be late! Why are you so sleepy?" My nightmare woke me up. I couldn't sleep, I needed to stay awake. I didn't want to dream again. I stumble to my dresser. Where are the socks I like? Not this pair! They never feel right. The top is crooked and they go up too high. I hate the way they feel! No choice. On to breakfast. Who ate my waffles? There is only one left. You know I need two. One is uneven. I NEED two. There aren't two. I won't eat. I'll just brush my teeth. I can't go in the bathroom. It was in my nightmare. The bathroom isn't safe. I can't brush my teeth. It's time to leave. I can't leave. What if my house catches on fire? What if my parents die? I need to stay home. My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?"

Sadly, this is the mind of an adolescent child suffering from bi-polar disorder. Left untreated this is how the rest of the day would play out:

The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. First hour I fall asleep on my desk. The kids laugh when the teacher wakes me up to go to the next class. Am I dreaming again? Is this real? I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. Are they laughing at me again? What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class? I better check my schedule. "Don't fidget in class. Pay Attention! You can check your schedule later." I don't listen. I have to know what comes next. Okay...third hour is next. I won't go to the wrong class. Extra work because I didn't pay attention? Not again!

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know they won't let me call unless I'm sick. My stomach is rumbling. Can I go to the nurse? Okay, I'll finish my test tomorrow. I call from the nurse's office. Nobody answers. Mom didn't say she was going somewhere today. Did the house catch on fire? Is she okay? My stomach churns. The nurse gives me crackers to settle my stomach. That helps. Go back to class. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. I have one friend. He's absent today. Where will I sit? I find a place in the corner of the room and eat. I hope nobody notices me.

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Sit on the bench? But it wasn't my fault, he was in the way. He shouldn't take the ball from me. That makes me SO MAD! I'm HOT and my sock isn't right! I could redesign this gym. The bleachers don't belong here. Is my mom okay? I remember my dream. I don't want to remember my dream. I have to move or I will die. I run up and down the stairs.

Fifth hour is science. I feel better. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. Maybe the office lady will let me check on my mom. She asks me why I need to call. I can't tell her. It will sound stupid. I tell her I don't remember if I am supposed to ride the bus or be picked up. She believes me. Please answer! "Mom, are you picking me up today?""Of course, I am. I told you that this morning. Is everything okay?" "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can make it now.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher is glaring at me. Am I supposed to be doing something? It's my homework. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Do you want to fail?" She yells at me! I feel stupid. I know I did it. I just can't find it. My stomach churns again. I need to get out of here. The classroom is noisy. My head will explode if I don't leave. Please let me leave. Can I use the bathroom? I really have to go! I walk as slowly as I can to the bathroom. My head feels better. My stomach stops churning. I reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I can't go in. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard. I did it! School is almost out. I'm going to make it! Hurray! I run out of the bathroom and into Ms. Strict and knock her over. Not Ms. Strict! I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. To the Dean's office. In trouble again. I almost made it this time. I'm really sorry.
I'll try again tomorrow. I really try. School is so hard. Won't somebody help me?

Thankfully there is help for these kids. With counseling, patience, lots of love and the right medication this child's day would go like this:

My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?
The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. Before first hour I check in with the nurse like I always do. I tell her my day didn't start so good. She gives me pretzels to eat. I feel better. But what if I need to call my mom? She reminds me that I can go to Mr. Counselor anytime if I get panicked about my parents. Okay. I know I can check on them if I need to.

First hour I start to fall asleep on my desk. Ms. Helpful asks me if I can help her with an activity. She knows I m a good helper. The kids are jealous because they wish they could help too. Onto second hour. I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class?

Ms. Caring could tell I was getting uncomfortable because I turned over the red card on my desk to give her a secret message. She came over right away. I can tell you are a little distracted. We are going to work for 10 more minutes on this project and then you can use the last five minutes of class to organize yourself. You will be going to Ms. Writes class next. She winked at me and smiled. I like Ms. Caring. I work really hard for the next 10 minutes.

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know I can go to Mr. Counselor if I need to. My stomach starts churning. Ms. Write asks me if I want to take the test in the small quiet room with Ms. Aide. She writes the answers as I dictate them. She knows it's hard for me to think and write at the same time. I did really well. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. My best friend is absent today. Where will I sit? Oh there's Joe. He s my study partner in social skills class. I like him. He wants me to sit with him. I eat my lunch and talk with Joe. He doesn't like the way it smells in here either!

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Oh the Coach needs me. It s time for a water break? I don t want to leave the game but coach says just for a second to get some water. The water tastes so good and cold. I didn't even know I was thirsty. I take a second drink. I feel much cooler. Remember the best players know their teammates and make them work hard too. Yeah I shouldn't have to make all the shots. It s hard work running up and down the court all hour. Coach says I m a good player. Then just for fun I run up and down all the stairs in the gym. It s a pretty cool gym but they really should change where the bleachers go.

Fifth hour is science. It s my favorite class. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. I m still worried about my mom. I stop in Mr. Counselor's office. He wears funny shoes but he s nice. He lets me call my mom. I hope she's okay. I hope she answers Please answer! "Mom, remember you re picking me up today?" "I remember. Are you in Mr. Counselor s office? Is everything okay "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can t wait to be out of school.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher reminds me that my homework is due. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Don t panic, I m sure it s in there somewhere! She helps me look through my bag. There it is!! How did it get in my reading folder? The classroom is getting noisy. It s giving me a headache. I feel like my head will explode if I don't leave. I turn over my red card. The teacher sees that the noise is really getting to me. She sends Joe and me together on a bathroom break. We walk slowly to the bathroom. My head feels better. We reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I don t want to go in but I really have to go. Are you coming? asks Joe. Yeah in a minute. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard but trying not to let Joe see it. I don t want him to know I m scared. Look at that! says Joe. What is it? Suddenly I forget my dream. Somebody stuffed one of the toilets full of paper towels! What a mess! Joe and I hurry out of the bathroom. We almost knocked Ms. Strict right off her feet. Good thing I wasn't running. We tell Ms. Strict about the bathroom. Thank you boys! Will you please go get the janitor for me so we can get this mess cleaned up. I' m so glad you boys caught it when you did.

I check in with the nurse before I go home for the day. How was my day? It was pretty good but I' m glad school is out! I' ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for all the help!

When I read this, I was crushed. Knowing that my son was suffering like this every day. I am happy to say that he is finally on the right meds that help him have a day like the last scenario. Be an advocate for your child. Go to school and demand that they are given the help that they need and deserve. These kids are our future and they deserve the very best care.

*I wrote this entry in another blogspot a while back. Unfortunately, my son is having a rough time-we are working on his meds and continue therapy as well. My whole heart aches for him when he is suffering.....