Friday, July 31, 2009

What can make a Queen feel better???

Oh I know~~

Food and SHOPPING !!! YAY!!!

I'll let y'all know how that works out for me when I return. Hee hee.

Seriously though folks your comments on my recent post(s) - OK RANTS have made me feel so much better about this whole ex- family bullshit. You all are some smart mo fo's I'll give kudos where they are much deserved. You all made me feel so good that I'm about to head out and SHOP my ass off and maybe get me some of that yummy Jolly Time Blasto Butter popcorn I love so much.

You are all the shit, don't let anyone tell you any different. Queen....OUT

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Pissed again.....

Why must people be so fucking stupid and insensitive? Anyone???

My ex *step daughter*(Lucy) is in town for her wedding. They arrived here in town on MONDAY. Today is THURSDAY. The day before the wedding. They have NOT TRIED TO CONTACT my son at all. These my friends are some fucked up people. When Lucy and her baby left to move to Chicago in January my son was CRUSHED, devastated. She knows this. Lucy and I have discussed this. The baby was only a year old when they left. His first and only niece. Yet they arrive here in town and don't even call him to come and see her. I am beyond pissed.

So I call the Aunt from Hell (POS sister/not his NICE sister my BFF) today and ask her if my son can go with them to the wedding so I know he has a SAFE car to ride in. I specifically ask her EACH AND EVERY TIME he visits over her house not to let my son in any motor vehicle that POS or his new lady friend are driving. It is not a catty thing it is about safety. They are both active alkies and she is a third off the fruit rack as far as I can tell. Not that I don't have my own issues, but I don't know this new person and I am the mom and they should respect my wishes.

Aunt from Hell proceeds to say sure he can have a ride, and can he come over tonight because we are having a barbecue/rehearsal dinner thing. Now I KNOW that if she never heard from me today, my son would NOT have received an invite for tonight. That is part of why I am livid. He should have been called DAYS AGO to be able to visit with his Lucy and the baby. That is how NORMAL, CIVILIZED people do things. I am civil with these people for my sons sake but let me just say at times like these yer Queen could just flip the fuck out on all of them. I won't but I want to. They have no regard for peoples feelings at all. A 13 year old's feelings. It makes me ill.

So Aunt from Hell proceeds to tell me that I need to give POS a chance. As in let him drive him. I say uhhh NO. He has been sober like a minute and a half maybe and that is so not long enough for me to be giving him a chance WITH MY SONS LIFE for fucksake. Again I say, what the FUCK is wrong with people. I thought about it later, but I should have asked her if she would let HER SON in a car that he was driving. I know she would not. Then she went on to say "Well maybe he is afraid you will call the police on him" WHAT? I responded "Well the only time I have called them in the past is if he was punching me in the face or had his hands around my neck." I called the po po when I was getting the shit beat outta me you stupid bitch is what I wanted to say. What a dumb bitch. And this is the sister of his that I thought had a lick of fucking sense.

I just don't get people that can't understand normal thinking. My son KNOWS that they are here in town. I KNOW it hurts him that he hasn't been called. We have not discussed it because: A. He has not brought it up. B. I don't want him to hurt any more than he already is, so I don't want to bring it up right now. and C. I'm too pissed at those insensitive assholes to have this conversation with him.


I'm going to a speaker commitment at the men's treatment center again tonight. It will get me out of the house and get my mind off of this bullshit and hopefully will help me to remember the good stuff I have to be grateful for. QUEEN.....OUT

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I've Come To The Conclusion That....

  • I have been ridiculously obsessing and getting pissy about a wedding that will be FULL of people that I wouldn't want my worst enemy stuck to have to sit down and eat, drink and be merry with.

  • That although I still carry the hurt about the ex stepdaughter, I have done all that I can to make amends and it's on her (and God) now. It's out of my hands. Whew.

  • I cannot send my son to the wedding in the tie-dyed *wife-beater* t-shirt that I wanted too. Dammit.

  • If you are going to take a COMMITMENT(as in service work/or job within your home group) in Alcoholics Anonymous then make sure to FOLLOW THROUGH with it! (you KNOW what they say about half measures, right?)

  • I have the best home group ever. If you don't feel the same way about your home group, maybe you should look around for another one. Just a suggestion.

  • Putting down that effin drink was the best decision I have ever made.

  • I am hopelessly addicted to *bejeweled blitz* on facebook and may start my own 12 step program for myself and others.

  • My sister made the right decision when deciding to come and live with yours truly. I have not seen her this happy in who knows when. This in turn makes me happy.

  • Little sister and I are being compared to Oscar and Felix from the Odd Couple and not only is that hilarious, but it is 100% TRUE. Go ahead, guess which one I am! HA

  • Sister and I have the best time together. Especially late at night. Like really late. We we doing this last night while going through my underwear drawer. Yes, my underwear drawer. We found everything from grandma panties all the way through a thong that says *eat me* on the front. IT was the shit until my son walked in on us acting like a couple of teenagers. It was FUN I TELL YOU!

  • That I REALLY need to go through that drawer and weed out all the *inappropriate* underthings. HAHA. Or NOT.

Well y'all, its been a hoot and a half but Queens gotta go, QUEEN......OUT

Monday, July 27, 2009

Thanks for the input friends...

I want to thank you all for the advice and suggestions for my wedding gift dilemma issue. To give or not to give. I do or I don't! HA! Well I have made my decision and also have come to the conclusion that you are all WAYYYY more kind than I am. That being said this is what I have decided. I am giving the happy couple a bible Holy Bible: King James Version, White Padded Bonded Leather, Family Faith and Values. I think it is PERFECT and I thank Heather for the suggestion
About the book:
Description: This edition is a marvelous way to pass on a legacy of faith to a new generation. Designed specifically to encourage families to worship together, it makes a splendid gift for bridal showers, weddings, special occasions, or holidays.


Because I am a real bargain shopper oh - and a real TWAT at times - I also got them THIS
Hey at least its not a Chia Pet or a nose hair trimmer.
Progress not perfection, right? riiiiiiight. QUEEN.....OUT

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Wedding Gift Dilemma/Etiquette

Miss manners I am not-I bet you never would have guessed that huh? I need to know how you all feel about this kind of dilemma I am in. As I said in my last post <-- my sons sister is getting married in a week. He is invited to the wedding, I was being considered (pending approval from POS). I ended up telling her to have a nice wedding and don't bother asking POS. Even if he did APPROVE I would have felt uncomfortable there anyway. So I will not be there. I did not get an official invite. Even if I did get an invite, I don't think I would have attended. Therefore I don't think I am obligated to get her a gift.

Am I being too harsh here? I don't think so. She will be lucky if her dad (POS) flips her MAYBE $50.00. That is a BIG maybe. Had I been invited, she would have received a very generous gift-whether I attended or not. I am gonna blow my own horn here and tell you that I can be a very generous person and she knows this. BUT, for someone who chooses to invite a person who will probably spend more time at the bar then at the reception-I don't fucking think so. Sure I am hurt, but I keep going over this in my head and I don't think it is appropriate to have to send a thoughtful, generous gift if you were not officially invited. I have a gift for the baby to give her when she gets here. It is a beautiful painting by Kim at Small Words (check her out-her work is amazing). Here is a pic of it below. Thanks again Kim, I love it!

I hook them up at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. I RARELY get a thank you for any of it. I chalked it up to all the crap I did to her when I was a mean ass drunk. All words, really mean-awful stuff. I have made amends. I have cleaned my side of the road and have kept it clean since.

So we all know that drunks and addicts are the experts on etiquette. What the hell should I do? If I do not send a gift-it will look like I am pissed because I didn't get invited. That is partly true. But I barely have a relationship with these people anymore other than dropping my son off to visit her whenever she is in town. Tell me - What would YOU do?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pour me

Oh for chrissake, I got a bad case of the poor Me's again. I spoke with POS daughter (my sons step-sister) on the phone today. She is getting married here in town on Friday the 31st. Of course my son is invited, but I was waiting to see what they were going to decide about me. HAHA. I have made amends with - oh gee what shall we call big sister - how about Lucy. I love Lucy. hehe. No seriously, she was the very first person I made amends with when I got sober. She never lived with POS and I but she was his daughter and for the most part I was good to her. Her dad NEVER was. He still isn't. Towards the end of my drinking career I was awful to her. Mostly to piss off POS. Oh, the stupid shit we do when we are active.

Lucy has a beautiful one year old child now and is marrying the baby daddy. Cool, I guess. Don't get me goin' on marriage(I would tell her to take the baby and RUN!). So I made my amends and she accepted which was great and now we have a relationship but not the best and not as close as it once was. I called Lucy tonight because the wedding is next week and I need to know what to dress my kid in. So we got to talking and she started talking about why I had not received an invitation. She has to talk to POS first to make sure he is OK with it. He has a GF and she will probably be there and yada, yada, yada. Here is MY take on this. I think it is HER wedding and she can invite anyone she wants. I think she wants me there but doesn't want to risk her dad pulling any crap with me. Oh the other hand, this "man" has had NOTHING to do with her since day one unless either myself or another relative forced him to. He was just as bad a "father" to her as he is to my son. He is still bad and she thought once she had her daughter he would come around. Oh no silly girl, even grandchildren don't out rank booze.

I don't think he should have the "power" to make any decisions about this wedding, of course that is just my opinion and I did not tell Lucy that. What I did tell her was, do NOT worry about ME-just have the best wedding day ever. I will dress up the kid, drop him off and pick him up when its all over. I don't want to be the cause of any unnecessary drama or awkwardness. I wish her well. But it still hurts like hell.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Damn Near Perfect Day Off

I had a great day. Every day I wake up instead of coming to is a blessing. Thank you AA. Thank you God.

I was off from work today. I slept in. I LOVE sleeping in. I am NOT one of those early riser crazy people. Oh HELL no. I love my sleep and if you are anywhere near me when I am aslumber (yes, this is a real word-I JUST made it up) you better not poke this sleeping bear. Trust me.

OK so then I go to my doctors appt and all is well there. Everything is where its supposed to be and working just fine. Perfect.

Then I take my son to his dreaded counseling session. He is 13. He is bipolar. He is hormonal. He is a little shit. Can you see that in your head? Use your imaginations people. I would not want to be a counselor for children, no thanks. This woman who counsels him is a saint. I would want to slap all the mouthy children, which is why I work in a grocery store and not at the doctors office. Not that I slap kids around in the grocery store, but I get to watch other people slap each other around. I KID! Relax. Although, I do get to watch and hear some pretty crazy stuff.

So THEN I come home for a bit and go to a meeting. It's out of state, we had a speaking commitment so ROAD TRIP. It went really well and I got to hear 3 people from my home group that I had never heard before. They all sounded so good. I have slacked off on meetings in the last 2 weeks or so, and I know where that leads. So needless to say I will be picking up on the meetings. It was so good to see everyone tonight. I miss them when I don't see them a few times a week AT LEAST. They are like family, they really are.

Oh and speaking of family~My sister came with me tonight. Perfect first meeting for her. Speaker and out of town. Perfect. I think she enjoyed it, but I know she still enjoys her wine as well. Which is fine, when she is ready I am sure that AA will be there. She is doing really well. She is doing for HERSELF a little bit and she is smiling a lot. I love her to pieces and it warms my heart to see her happy. I know she is going through a lot right now. I have been EXACTLY where she is right now. Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, it still hurts like hell when you have to make a life change like she has. Its damn hard. She is a strong lady and I intend to be here for as long as she needs me. Have I told you how much I love her?

I need to go, gotta get some sleep. I hope you all have a blessed evening. Sweet dreams peeps.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Gratitude-Long Overdue

  • I can't even express here how thrilled I am to finally have my sister here with me.

She is finally free.

I hope and pray that she can be strong and stay focused on what she needs and wants-because if Mama is not happy-nobody is!

I am happy that my son let his walls down and hung out with some children today. I visited family today with both boys and my son was sociable and SMILING today.

I am grateful for my job and all of the freedom I have in the workplace. My job somehow survived through some awful years of my active alcoholism. I am a very lucky girl indeed.

I have some pretty neat people in my life who I am getting to know again. You know - now that I am not living around in that damn bottle anymore. That is cool as hell.

*I left off here the other night, so here is my gratitude continued.....

Good Health-I went to the doctors today and all is well for the most part. BP good, weight not so good. More exercise blah blah blah....Scheduled my mammogram for tomorrow. I been praying for someone to play with the girls but this is just ridiculous.

I went to get my blood work done today and they told me I needed to fast for 12 hours. When I got there it had been like 16 hrs and they told me that was too long. I am not grateful for this, but I thought it was hilarious that someone told me that I had to eat something. Go figure.

My clean home-thanks to my wonderful sister WHO NEVER STOPS tidying up. Not that there's anything WRONG with that. She is a Godsend. We are good for each other. I am truly blessed.

I am grateful that I found an item that has been missing for a few days. I found it IN THE TRASH. How did it get there? I have NO IDEA. Did I mention that it was a CHECK in the amount of $800.00? Thank you GOD.

For being *normal*. HAHA. I just had a friend call me and wants me to go to a speaker commitment with her tonight. She wants to go but wants someone NORMAL to go with. So she calls ME?? HAHAHAHA. Silly woman.

I am grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Both in real life and here online. It is a miraculous program for people such as myself who could not stop drinking on their own. It is a we program and without those who came before me I wouldn't be where I am today. Oh I am still a screwed up individual-but its a work in progress. A little progress each day. Progress not perfection. That's for damn sure, at least for me.

That is all for now. Be well my blogger buddies. QUEEN......OUT

Saturday, July 18, 2009

It's a Happy Time/Its a Sad time

I hope everyone out there is happy joyous and free. I know I certainly am. I have been for 1339 days now and I am just amazed about that. Amazed I say. A big thanks to my Higher Power for giving me the strength and courage I need each and every day to get me through it sober once again. Amazing.

I have posted here about my sister in the past. You can read past posts here and here. She is FINALLY HERE living under my roof. She is so happy yet sad at the same time. She is happy to be out of the relationship that she was in but she is sad because her children are crushed. She has 3 children and the youngest is having a hard time with the whole situation. This is the kid I always refer to as my other son on here now and then. He is a great young boy and he is going to be OK. Today is only day one. She has received many texts and calls from her kids and she gets upset when she communicates with anyone that decided to stay behind. She has made up her mind and I pray that each day the pain lessens for her. She has put up with so much in the past 22 years and she deserves to be happy, joyous and free!!

So that's my good news for the day. She has been a cleaning fool and my house will be it tip-top shape in no time. Hell she worked on the living room today and after about 5 minutes I turned around and it looked like a different room! She is GOOD. We got a good laugh over that and there will be many more to come. I need to stock up on depends. Its going to be a laugh your ass off until you pee yourself kinda time until she gets her affairs in order and gets an apartment of her very own. *Please God, don't let her change her mind*. The guilt is already wreaking havoc on her. So until we chat again, be well my cyber drunks.......QUEEN.......OUT

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My Big Sister

This beautiful lady is my big sister Marilyn. Sadly we lost her to addiction and alcoholism 9 years ago today. She struggled her whole life with this disease until a methadone overdose put her out of her misery. She was one of those that just could not "get" it. Not from lack of trying. She was in and out of programs, rehabs, meetings, institutions and the list goes on. I miss her terribly and think of her often. I hope she is at peace now. Her struggle and untimely death are a constant reminder for me to continue on my journey in recovery. But for the Grace of God go I. Queen.....OUT

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Cry For Help

I was leaving my office today when a customer stopped me and asked me if I had a minute. This wasn't just any customer, this was a lady from my past-someone I have seen in the store on many occasions. I didn't think she knew or should I say remembered me. We met in 1992 when we were both in treatment for alcoholism (my very first stab at recovery). I have seen her shopping in my store numerous times and I assumed she just didn't remember me. Well come to find out she does. We sat down and she asked me if I remember her. I told her of course I do. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing fine. She asked me again-"You know what I mean, HOW are you doing, with - well - you know what I mean." I knew what she meant. Was I still sober. I told her I was doing good with almost 4 years clean. She told me she has never stopped using. Sigh. I always saw her and assumed she was doing alright and did not want to approach her for anonymity reasons and I was after all always at work when I saw her. I gave her my phone number and told her to use it anytime. She gave me a BIG hug right there in the middle of the hustle and bustle of our busy store. She absolutely made my day. I feel best when I am helping another sick alcoholic and I think that God put her back in my life for a reason. Maybe some time working with her and not thinking about POOR ME is just what I need. That AND a piece of ass. Or am I asking too much here?
You all have a good night, and thanks for your kind words after my last whiny post. Queen....OUT

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Something have GOT to give

I think I will bullet this post as I have random shit to throw out there.

  • although I am constantly surrounded by people I feel so very alone
  • I am not liking it one bit
  • I am OK-I don't feel like drinking. In fact I just got home from a meeting-my first one in about a week.
  • I KNOW I need more meetings
  • If you try to get close to me, I will go away.
  • I have been hurt too many times and I expect that anyone new in my life will follow suit and hurt me too.
  • I have issues with abandonment. I get close to another person (male or female-friend or sig other) and I get left or hurt. Always.
  • I have been feeling like this for quite some time now and like the title says, somethings got to give-and soon would be nice
  • I know it's not going to happen overnight and its going to take a lot of work on my part. But I still want some really good stuff going on - and I want it yesterday.
  • I enjoy my life on the outside, but its still pretty fucked up on the inside
  • I could burst out in tears at this very moment-but I won't cause I have 2 kids in the room who would think I have FINALLY lost it if I did.
  • I will try to write more when I get off my pity pot.
  • on a slightly different subject (maybe not) a piece of ass would be nice too, just sayin'

Thanks for listening.....Queen.....OUT

Friday, July 3, 2009


First off Happy 4th of July to all of my fellow Americans. What a blessing to have been born into this country.

I started out my evening with a show at the MGM Grand. My sister was kind enough to treat me to a hilarious few hours with Joan Rivers and Don Rickles. OMG. Too funny. Six rows from the stage. It was awesome.

On the way home I got a call from my SIL (POS sister/my BFF). She tells me what an asshole her brother is--like I didn't fuckin LIVE that nightmare. I know this, but I ask anyway. She said he brought his new girlfriend into where she works to introduce her. No big deal really, UNTIL SIL asked "So have you seen J lately?"(she knows he has NOT) and he said "yeah". OK, apparently his definition of lately is vastly different from everyone else on the planet because the last time he saw my son was Christmas Day. Whatever. Then he comments "Well if his mother(that would be me) wasn't such a psycho". WHAT? I have been VERY PATIENT and very much NOT a psycho for the last three years when I speak to him. SIL stood up for me and he said "Oh what are you two FRIENDS now?" and she said "We have never NOT been friends." Oh how I love that woman!

He STILL does not have medical insurance for our son. I thought that if I handled this insurance issue like a big girl and not call him all the names that are floating around in my head just DYING to come out-that he would cooperate like a big boy and we could settle this amicably. I thought wrong. Guess who is going to go to child support enforcement on Monday and inform them that he is once again in CONTEMPT of our court order. How do you like me now mister? I need to remember that I am dealing with one very sick alcoholic. Patience and kindness mean nothing to him and the only method that ever works is taking him to court. I thought it was going to be different this time. Our phone calls have (or so I thought) been civil. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt when she told me about the psycho comment. INITIALLY it did anyway. Now I'm pissed. Will that jackass ever learn that it is not a good idea to piss off the QUEEN?