Saturday, February 28, 2009

One Word Answers

Thanks dAAVE for this little quiz thingy. Since I have nothing to write about at the moment, this will do just fine!

Try this on your own blog, if you wish. We can all get to know each other just a little bit better.
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? nonexistent
3. Your hair? lovely!
4. Your mother? heaven
5. Your father? heaven
6. Your favorite thing? sobriety
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? kitchen
11. Your fear? fear
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? drunk!
15. Muffins? delish
16. One of your wish list items? house
17. Where you grew up? Connecticut
18. The last thing you did? cigarette :(
19. What are you wearing? uniform!
20. Your TV? New!
21. Your pet? dog
22. Your computer? Dell
23. Your life? sober
24. Your mood? good
25. Missing someone? nope
26. Your car? explorer
27. Something you’re not wearing? weddingring! ha
28. Favorite store? all
29. Summer? coming
30. Favorite color? Green
31. Why did you laugh last? company
32. Why did you cry last? son
33. Who will re post this? EVERYONE
34. A place I go over and over: meetings
35. Someone who emails me: Barb
36. Place I would rather be right now: meeting

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Power of Prayer

I went to an awesome meeting tonight. Hell, they're all awesome. But I sat with my friend Val, and God bless her-she just gets me giggling-at all the wrong times- like in the middle of a meeting. Now there I go blaming someone else again. Damn alcoholic that I am, its always someone else, right. Anyone who knows me, as in real life knows me, KNOWS I can be downright outrageous at all the inappropriate times. It's a gift, passed on to me from my lovely Mommy. She was quite the woman. Val and I are going on a spiritual retreat soon. I told her if I get through the door without being struck by lightening, we'll be good to go.

I had a chat with another awesome lady tonight. She's a great power of example and has lots of good advice and I love her to pieces. She has a sister who suffers from bipolar disorder and she has given me a lot of hope for my son. Her sister is currently hospitalized for her illness. She is in her fifties and has had this disorder most of her life, but has only been diagnosed in the last few years. What a shame that she had to suffer all these years, before finally getting the proper diagnosis and medication that she needs. I think it is actually a blessing that my son is getting the help he needs now, at such a young age. My friend suggested that I pray over J's meds and to let God take it, let God handle his recovery. Guess what I did the minute I got home? I prayed, and I prayed hard. And I gave it to God. The power of prayer is amazing. I have prayed for God to keep me from a drink every day and for the last 3 years He has not let me down. Not once. I think I need to look to Him for more than just the strength to keep me from taking that first drink. I am powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over my sons' disorder as well. Tomorrow is his first day back to school, God and I will be busy all day until he gets home safe and sound.

Thanks for letting me share.....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Howdy to all my peeps!

First off, son is doing MUCH better. The real test is when he goes back to the dreaded school on Monday. God help the both of us on that one. I'm taking it one day a a time-just like my recovery and it doesn't seem so overwhelming.

I have been getting much needed cleaning done this week. I was off from work all week to care for my son, and while I was home I did not sit still. I was up at a decent hour and kept busy all day and hit a meeting just about every night. I actually cleaned UNDER my refrigerator. If you know me, you know this is unheard of. Oh hell no, I would normally NOT go there. I mean C'mon who the fuck really does this anyway??? Well, not this girl, lets just say it was a yet. I haven't cleaned under the fridge, YET. OK Never is better, more like the truth. Picture if you will, the wad of lint that you would get cleaning out the vent on your dryer. OK now multiply that x say....5. That is what I pulled out of the vent on my fridge. Then there was the other stuff that tends to accumulate-like magnets, bottle caps, little pieces of dog food, coupons etc. It doesn't get any more exciting than this folks. Its a wonder this place hasn't burned to the ground with what my poor fridge has had to endure to keep my milk cold. Its all better now and purrin' like a kitten.

I also tackled my living room. I bought some new curtains, a new tall cabinet with wicker drawers, some new linens, new lamp shades and some new nic nac stuff. I am waiting on the second delivery of drapes so I can hang them. I sat down on my couch/futon last night with a bag of popcorn, a glass of diet coke and my ash tray and actually ENJOYED sitting in my own living room for the first time in a very long while. I moved here 11 years ago and have NEVER felt as "at home" and relaxed as I did last night. You see, this house was never a HOME until just recently. Hell the walls in my living room are mostly bare because I never fully unpacked when I moved in. It never felt like home. I was too busy wallowing in my own shit to make it all purty and comfortable. I am happy that it is starting to feel like a home, I really am.

Well, I'm off to pick up a couple a' drunks for the Saturday Night Live meeting, yes its actually called that! You all have a blessed Saturday night!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I have been hitting LOTS of meetings this past week. I have been slacking off lately and if you've been around AA long enough-you know this is not a good thing. So I think God noticed and put some new people in my life as a friendly reminder. One of these new people is a man who is a friend of my sisters. He just got out of detox after having a lengthy drinking career of 30 years. This is his first attempt at recovery. I agreed to show him the ropes and get him started and the rest is in Gods hands. He seems to really want it. I pray he gets it.

The meeting I went to tonight is literally 2 doors down from my house. How convenient right? Well I usually don't care for this particular meeting, but I am so glad that I went tonight. I noticed a few of the regulars were in attendance, but the rest of the room consisted of new faces. Well new to ME anyway. I was asked to read how it works and Mr. Detox mentioned above was asked to read the preamble. When Mr. Chairperson asked if there was anyone new, all of the people I did not recognize identified themselves. A room full of newcomers. Sweet. When they asked if anyone had a suggestion for a topic I spoke up and suggested we talk about newcomers. DUH.

Well I think that if these newbies were listening they know there is hope for them. They are not alone. We all shared about our experiences of being the newcomer and what we experienced when we first came in and what its like now. Pretty heavy stuff. I loved it.

One of the newcomers was a woman sitting 2 chairs away and when she shared her story, I just wanted to jump out of my chair and hug her and ease her pain, her fear. She was terrified. She was ashamed. She was shaking. She was red as a beet. She didn't want to die. She was ME when I first came in. My heart just ached for her. Nothin' like a newbie to keep it green for ya. For me anyway. I gave her my number and told her to USE IT. She didn't have to be afraid, she is NOT ALONE in this. I hope she uses it. I gave her a hug and off she went. I hope to see her again.

Time for me to hit the sack, Thanks for letting ME share! Queenie OUT

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Just Because the Monkey is Off Your Back...

SO does not mean the circus has left town.

Peanuts, popcorn....get 'cher popcorn, peanuts here!

First of all THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, for your comments, support and prayers and love and EVERYTHING-always-but mostly after my last post. I want to get y'all up to speed on how J is doing.

He is STILL angry! But not as bad. Together with his pdoc we are taking him off of lamictal, which is the med he started about a month ago(when the ANGER started). I already knew this and have been slowly weaning him off. Which is BTW the exact same thing I suggested at our last appt. with pdoc. It didn't happen then and when I saw he was getting worse, I reduced it. I read up on all his meds and I know how it needs to be done. I am NOT Dr. Queenie, I know this. But when I called her, GUESS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO? Decrease the lamictal for a week (um, yea-done) and then take him off. So today is the first day I won't be giving it to him. We will see how he is in the next few days. I took the week off of work to keep a close eye on him. Thankfully, he is off from school this week. What a shitty vacation for him, poor kid.

On the plus side, I have been a nervous wreck BUT when I am like this I CLEAN. I USED to drink, but now I clean. My kitchen is looking pretty spiffy. I am like a madwoman, but that's OK. It needed to be done, trust me, lol. In fact I got so IN to it that I went to set my timer on my microwave for something and it said 3:05 and I went to reset the time-looked at my kitchen clock and guess what time it was, 3:05! Fuck me. I thought it was like noontime, at the latest. Time flies when the circus is in town kids.

Ok I had to stop and wash my floor, but I'm back. Lost my train of thought a bit but with only the one brain cell I have left, its fuckin hard as hell to multi-task. I have been drinking so much coffee that the Starbucks stock had to have taken a hit today.

More good news. A family member approached me about going to an AA meeting for the first time. YEAAAAA! How sweet is that! He is supposed to come to a meeting with me tonight. My home group. So there are plenty of guys I can introduce him to, as well as be there for him through his first meeting. I have been WAITING for this to happen, and I am sooooooooo happy that he talked with me yesterday and said all the right things about why he wants to take this step. Hiding bottles, isolating, anxiety, health reasons, the insanity, the not being able to control it himself, etc. You know all the same reasons why we all (well, me anyway) surrendered. This makes Queenie a very happy girl.

See, even though I'm in the middle of a bunch of bullshit (that shit fairy NEEDS to move on for the love of GOD) there is still some pretty positive and uplifting stuff going on here. I am trying to ease my sons' pain and hopefully tonight my brother-in-law will begin to heal his troubled life. Things are looking up, the glass is half FULL. I always try to look at things optimistically. <---Is that even a word? Spell check will let me know. I think it is. lol. So I must go for now, I have brownies to bake for my fellow alkies in recovery tonight. I am the snack chick and I don't want them to go all crazy on me if there are no goodies. Boy, I can't wait to see BIL(brother-in-law) pick up a 24 hour chip tonight. With Gods help, anything is possible. He has definitely got my attention and I hope he's got my back. Thanks for the prayers. Queenie OUT

Sunday, February 15, 2009


I saw this in my son tonight. Big time. And it scared the living shit out of me. My son has NEVER made me feel afraid, until now. This child is bubbling over with rage and I don't know how to help him. He is calm at the moment but I will be calling his doctor tomorrow. Which will bring on a new episode I'm sure.

I allowed him to rage and spoke to him very calmly and told him I want to help him with his anger. I told him I loved him and couldn't stand to see him so troubled. He told me through clenched teeth and tears that it was never going to stop. I told him that I used to be angry and full of rage all the time and he asked me if I ever thought of killing myself or have I ever even tried to kill myself, like he has. Then he asked me if I ever though of killing someone else, like he has. All of this while breathing heavy and clenched teeth. Like I said it scared me, to think it is even worse than I knew.

I now understand why his doctor gave me a refrigerator magnet with a 1-800 number for the Emergency Mobile Psychiatric people, I almost used it tonight. I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. God help us. Please.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dentist and School~Doesn't get more boring than this!!

My life is kind of boring, welcome to my world. So let me bore you with some highlights from my week.

I had a tooth filled. I went to the dentist to get a different tooth checked out and they discovered a brand spanky new cavity on the back side of my front tooth. Hooray! I couldn't get them to fill that fucker fast enough. When I get a cavity, I have to get it treated QUICK because for some reason my teeth deteriorate pretty quickly if I don't.

Can y'all picture the Queen with a missing FRONT tooth. I bet you could, I would really look like that awful pic I had posted. EW. I would be even more of a loser magnet than I am now. If that's even possible.

I had a meeting with my son's school. Apparently my son has decided to do NOTHING in class for the past few weeks. Nothing, nada, zilch, zero. Nice. His grades went from C's and better in EVERYTHING to 4 F's in the past month.

Now let me back up the old school bus a bit and explain a few things. I am a mom who is VERY involved in my sons' education. They know this. The staff and I are on a first name basis. Before school started I REQUESTED a meeting with the new team of teachers and administrators, yada, yada. We did indeed have this meeting. At this meeting I told everyone present that I want to know IMMEDIATELY if there is a problem with J. With his behavior, school work, anything. I don't want to know when he has F's on his progress report for Christ sake! He has NEVER had an F or a D on any progress/report card! Never!

I don't want to know there is a problem with his behavior when you are calling in a goddamn police youth officer (like they did 2 years ago) Maybe I'm a dumb ass, but if things have gotten this far then THERE ARE PROBLEMS THAT NEED TO BE DISCUSSED WITH HIS MOTHER!

So this is what the little shit has been doing. He had a problem with Mr. Gym Teacher and he started going to the Guidance Office(G/O) during gym, which was not a big deal at the time. I was notified about that. Well I guess little by little, J has been going to G/O during regular classes. He sits there and reads and they were ok with that I suppose. (Part of his IEP plan is that the G/O is his "safe" place to go when he is feeling overwhelmed in class) But COME ON. It got so bad, he was spending a good part of his school day in there! Shame on them for allowing it, and shame on J for taking advantage. So they just let him sit there and do NO school work. Nice.

His special ed teacher is a dunce, I swear. Nice enough man but he lets J walk all over him. He said J won't do any work for him so he just lets him read instead of work. WHAT? The past two years J has had 2 other spec ed teachers and it wasn't all peaches and cream with them either, but they were able to motivate J and he would work for them. I believe this is their JOB. Those 2 ladies he had were amazing. The school psychologist and I spoke later and she is very disappointed in the way he just lets my son do nothing, and doesn't even try to work with him. UGH! So the new plan is Mommy gets to help Jonathon with his assignments because he WILL work for me. I will sick my brother on him, believe me when I tell you all I have to do is threaten to call his uncle and he will do it.

I am beyond pissed that they let it get this far without notifying me. I bought J's counselor with me to this meeting. She told me she was impressed at how I was able to keep my cool in this situation. Later on the school psychologist told me the same thing. The old Denise would have definitely ripped a few of them new assholes. OR I would not even have cared because I was only worried about gettin my drink on. But, now that I sober and all, we devised a plan to try to get him productive again. It turns out that plan is ME. Mom. I get to work with him at home. He is on vacation this coming week, but I have a nice packet of assignments he needs to do while he is on vac! Hmmm. I wonder if the town will send me a check for doing the spec ed guy's job? The school is going to make sure that there is always work available for him to do when he goes to visit G/O as well. He is going to be told if he can't be in class he still needs to do whatever assignment they give him. If he still continues to refuse to work, I will pick up those assignments and he can do them at home. It's gonna put a serious crimp in his leisure time at home.

Now this kid of mine is diagnosed bipolar. I know he is struggling. But he is very intelligent and it is not work that he doesn't understand. I will help him as much as I can. But he is in such a funk that he cannot seem to get out of. He tells me he's angry and has been for a month or so, And he doesn't know why. He is also 13 and the Puberty Fairy has been visiting lately. He's got a lot going on for such a young boy. It hurts me to know he's got all that going on, but he must get at least a high school education to be able to succeed in this life. I will do my damdest to see that he get a diploma!

Its getting late~The Queen needs her rest. Good night my fellow blogger buddies. Queen OUT.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Big Book Barbie

I am sorry if this offends any of my recovery friends, but come on~Its PRICELESS and I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tuesday Gratitude

  • I got a mahvelous haircut this weekend (thanks sista) and everyone LOVES it. A few have even told me it makes me look 10 years younger!! ha! I am lovin it!

  • I am grateful that I really don't look like that lovely pic you all see. I was goofin' around and my nephew snapped it and wahlaa-instant fugliest pic of me I've ever taken. So I just HAD to post it here. HAHA.

  • I met a newcomer in a meeting tonight-he was so sad and I think I may have made him feel a bit better. Basically just told him to not be so hard on himself. I hope he "keeps comin"

  • For Kerry, my "boyfriend" in recovery. He wants me, but he ain't gonna get me, and he's OK with that. He cracks my shit up.

  • That I am having a family "pot luck" dinner this week. I love seeing everyone and more importantly there will be LOTS OF GOOD FOOD!

  • That my son seems to be feeling better this week. He is my love, my everything. I am happy he is not hurting as much as he was last week....

  • That Lou's blog is FINALLY updating like it's supposed to. I love reading her, as well as all the rest of you blogaholics.

  • That I am able to the dentist tomorrow. I have a job and insurance that makes this possible. Thank u God.

  • For an awesome Beach House meeting tonight. I never thought I could have so much fun in recovery.

  • For my Higher Power. Without Him, I would have none of the above. I would have nothing. For this I am Grateful

Thursday, February 5, 2009

aaah this is the life...

I sit here wanting to write about a certain subject and as I sit at my desk I take a look to the right and I see a darling, absolutely adorable picture of my son taken when he was about 7-8 months old I suppose. Cutest baby in my world anyway. As I look a bit closer I see it.


If you look at the wall (its not in the pic) around this "target" of someones fun you can see where they missed a few shots before they hit pay dirt. I just love raising boys. By boys (plural) I mean my own son and my son from anotha mutha-my nephew, the Bubsta. This deed has definitely got both of their stink all over it.

And then there's the "blob" stains that live on my living room ceiling. I had a halloween party and gave the kids these gooey eyeballs to play with. Its no wonder they were squealing with delight--out of sight in the living room--as we adults were sitting in the kitchen doing what adults do. Ignoring the children. Yep. I guess I totally asked for that.

Oh, and then there are the HOLES in various walls throughout the house. Holes that were mostly made while my "sons" were screwing around. Its all fun and games till someone goes through a wall. Then there's the fits of anger that my birth son has when he is goin' all bipolar on me. Did I mention I RENT this house? Oh yea-I gots some SERIOUS fixin' up to do when I move out of here.

The destruction isn't just for the house, my furniture is not immune from their wrath. I have a brand new recliner-well new at the time-that got ruined because these TWO rather LARGE boys decided to see if they could BOTH sit in it together, at the same time and they practically split that fucker in half. Yep. Our most recent incident was a few weeks ago when I came home to find my new futon busted with part of the frame BENT and broken. But no one would fess up to that one. It just BROKE ALL BY ITSELF. Riiiiiiiight. I am proud to say that I Queenie, fixed said futon ALL BY MYSELF. It wasn't an easy task but dammit I was determined, even made a trip to Lowes to get the right tools and proper screws and *wallah* just like new. Sadly, the recliner is beyond repair.

There's one more thing that drives me batshit crazy about these kids. My son has been BEGGING me for the longest time to get him an air soft gun. Long story short, I finally gave in. Now this is definitely an "outdoor" kinda gun. It kinda like a bb gun but is shoots these little plastic pellets, not the metal ones. I'm sure they could still shoot their eye out but hey, a boys gotta have fun, right? Well while momma was a work one day these sweet innocent little tweens decided to have an "air soft war" INSIDE my house and now everywhere I look, I see these these........

That little green thing is the "ammo" for the air soft gun. They are EVERYWHERE. Inside my shoes, inside Kleenex boxes, you name it. Ever have a New Years party and at midnight you toss confetti and you're still finding it on the Fourth of July? Well I have and that's what it feels like when I keep finding these little green presents. When you step on them it feels like someone just jabbed a knife in the bottom of your foot.

When all is said and done, I would not trade all of this for anything. I wasn't even supposed to be able to procreate, and look at me now! He was definitely a blessing and if not for him in my life I honestly don't think I would have cared if I lived or died while I was out there all effed up and killin' myself. I knew that if I didn't get better, he wasn't going to either. I finally surrendered on November 17, 2005. Ironically, this also happens to be my birth sons' actual birthday. I don't ever want to screw that up, and now I know I DON'T have to! Queenie OUT

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Holy Guacamole!

Hey to all my blogger peeps out in "sober/cyber" space~Top of the evening to y'all. It snowed AGAIN here today, Good lord I was finally able to see the driveway just yesterday! Now who knows when I'll see it again......sometime in the spring at the rate it has been snowing this year.

Snow or no snow, I always hit my Beach House home group meeting on Tuesday night. Seeing as I hold the key, I kinda have to go~but I am not complaining. On the contrary, actually. I have had that key for 3+ years now and if I didn't step up and grab that commitment right from the get go at one of my first meetings, well who know where I would be. I shudder to think of it.

I think there were maybe 10 of us there which is about 9 more than I though would come. The diehards, or maybe the ones with 4wd like me. I don't know but it was a good meeting. They are all good actually. I love my meetings, I love all my friends in recovery. I am just a happy camper tonight.

Thanks to all of my new blogger friends for recognizing me on their blogs, sending some very special new people to my neck of the woods. I love to read all of you as well and I just love to read your comments, good, bad, ugly haha-whatever. I love it. OOOH, I feel a gratitude list comin' on~~~
  • Special thanks to dAAve and steveroni or their honorable mentions about Queens World in their guys rok

  • I am grateful that I have a functional, dependable vehicle so I am able to do what I need to do daily

  • I am grateful that I have a job to drive to every day in said vehicle

  • Even though my son is going through a rough time, he has moments when I actually see him crack a smile....even if it is because he farted on the dog...HE'S SMILING!

  • I don't care if it snow every stinkin' day until spring, I am happy to be alive to see another day

  • I am going to get my hair chopped off soon, so I am grateful to my sister who is a kick ass hairdresser-I love u Viv.

  • My God is good to me today and every day, I hope I never turn my back on Him again

  • I have learned to let people get to know me again, instead of pushing them away. I USED to do this a lot and that's a pretty shitty way to exist

I need to go order some literature and bumper stickers for my group~YEAHHH I even get to SHOP for them! It doesn't get any better than this, or does it? I think I'm gonna stick around to see. Queenie OUT

Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

"I struggle to open my eyes. Leave me alone. I want to sleep. My body is heavy, my head is swirling. How long has my alarm been ringing? Okay, I'm awake. I sit up in bed dazed. "Hurry, Hurry or you'll be late! Why are you so sleepy?" My nightmare woke me up. I couldn't sleep, I needed to stay awake. I didn't want to dream again. I stumble to my dresser. Where are the socks I like? Not this pair! They never feel right. The top is crooked and they go up too high. I hate the way they feel! No choice. On to breakfast. Who ate my waffles? There is only one left. You know I need two. One is uneven. I NEED two. There aren't two. I won't eat. I'll just brush my teeth. I can't go in the bathroom. It was in my nightmare. The bathroom isn't safe. I can't brush my teeth. It's time to leave. I can't leave. What if my house catches on fire? What if my parents die? I need to stay home. My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?"

Sadly, this is the mind of an adolescent child suffering from bi-polar disorder. Left untreated this is how the rest of the day would play out:

The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. First hour I fall asleep on my desk. The kids laugh when the teacher wakes me up to go to the next class. Am I dreaming again? Is this real? I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. Are they laughing at me again? What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class? I better check my schedule. "Don't fidget in class. Pay Attention! You can check your schedule later." I don't listen. I have to know what comes next. Okay...third hour is next. I won't go to the wrong class. Extra work because I didn't pay attention? Not again!

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know they won't let me call unless I'm sick. My stomach is rumbling. Can I go to the nurse? Okay, I'll finish my test tomorrow. I call from the nurse's office. Nobody answers. Mom didn't say she was going somewhere today. Did the house catch on fire? Is she okay? My stomach churns. The nurse gives me crackers to settle my stomach. That helps. Go back to class. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. I have one friend. He's absent today. Where will I sit? I find a place in the corner of the room and eat. I hope nobody notices me.

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Sit on the bench? But it wasn't my fault, he was in the way. He shouldn't take the ball from me. That makes me SO MAD! I'm HOT and my sock isn't right! I could redesign this gym. The bleachers don't belong here. Is my mom okay? I remember my dream. I don't want to remember my dream. I have to move or I will die. I run up and down the stairs.

Fifth hour is science. I feel better. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. Maybe the office lady will let me check on my mom. She asks me why I need to call. I can't tell her. It will sound stupid. I tell her I don't remember if I am supposed to ride the bus or be picked up. She believes me. Please answer! "Mom, are you picking me up today?""Of course, I am. I told you that this morning. Is everything okay?" "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can make it now.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher is glaring at me. Am I supposed to be doing something? It's my homework. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Do you want to fail?" She yells at me! I feel stupid. I know I did it. I just can't find it. My stomach churns again. I need to get out of here. The classroom is noisy. My head will explode if I don't leave. Please let me leave. Can I use the bathroom? I really have to go! I walk as slowly as I can to the bathroom. My head feels better. My stomach stops churning. I reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I can't go in. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard. I did it! School is almost out. I'm going to make it! Hurray! I run out of the bathroom and into Ms. Strict and knock her over. Not Ms. Strict! I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. To the Dean's office. In trouble again. I almost made it this time. I'm really sorry.
I'll try again tomorrow. I really try. School is so hard. Won't somebody help me?

Thankfully there is help for these kids. With counseling, patience, lots of love and the right medication this child's day would go like this:

My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Can't I stay home?
The hall is noisy. Kids are pushing. Don't touch me! My sock is crooked. It bothers me. I'm so hungry. Before first hour I check in with the nurse like I always do. I tell her my day didn't start so good. She gives me pretzels to eat. I feel better. But what if I need to call my mom? She reminds me that I can go to Mr. Counselor anytime if I get panicked about my parents. Okay. I know I can check on them if I need to.

First hour I start to fall asleep on my desk. Ms. Helpful asks me if I can help her with an activity. She knows I m a good helper. The kids are jealous because they wish they could help too. Onto second hour. I watch all the kids in class. It's like watching a play. What are they happy about. It's so hard to smile. Which hour am I in? What is my next class? When does it start? I don't remember. Why can't I remember? What if I go to the wrong class?

Ms. Caring could tell I was getting uncomfortable because I turned over the red card on my desk to give her a secret message. She came over right away. I can tell you are a little distracted. We are going to work for 10 more minutes on this project and then you can use the last five minutes of class to organize yourself. You will be going to Ms. Writes class next. She winked at me and smiled. I like Ms. Caring. I work really hard for the next 10 minutes.

Third hour is test time. I can't concentrate when my sock bothers me. Is my mom okay? I need to call her. I know I can go to Mr. Counselor if I need to. My stomach starts churning. Ms. Write asks me if I want to take the test in the small quiet room with Ms. Aide. She writes the answers as I dictate them. She knows it's hard for me to think and write at the same time. I did really well. Finally it's lunch time. What is that smell??!! I hate the way the lunch room smells. It's so loud in here. My best friend is absent today. Where will I sit? Oh there's Joe. He s my study partner in social skills class. I like him. He wants me to sit with him. I eat my lunch and talk with Joe. He doesn't like the way it smells in here either!

P.E. is next. I love P.E. I run and jump, my body is light and fast now. I'm awake. I'm the BEST basketball player! I can make every shot. Why should I pass you the ball? Oh the Coach needs me. It s time for a water break? I don t want to leave the game but coach says just for a second to get some water. The water tastes so good and cold. I didn't even know I was thirsty. I take a second drink. I feel much cooler. Remember the best players know their teammates and make them work hard too. Yeah I shouldn't have to make all the shots. It s hard work running up and down the court all hour. Coach says I m a good player. Then just for fun I run up and down all the stairs in the gym. It s a pretty cool gym but they really should change where the bleachers go.

Fifth hour is science. It s my favorite class. Mr. Science is cool. He knows me. He knows I'm smart. I get to do experiments. It keeps my mind busy. He sends me to the office to run an errand. I'm important to him. I m still worried about my mom. I stop in Mr. Counselor's office. He wears funny shoes but he s nice. He lets me call my mom. I hope she's okay. I hope she answers Please answer! "Mom, remember you re picking me up today?" "I remember. Are you in Mr. Counselor s office? Is everything okay "Yeah, bye!" Relief! She's okay. Back to science. Only one more class left. I can t wait to be out of school.

Last hour. I sit through math. The teacher reminds me that my homework is due. Where is it? I did it. I can't find it in my bag. "Don t panic, I m sure it s in there somewhere! She helps me look through my bag. There it is!! How did it get in my reading folder? The classroom is getting noisy. It s giving me a headache. I feel like my head will explode if I don't leave. I turn over my red card. The teacher sees that the noise is really getting to me. She sends Joe and me together on a bathroom break. We walk slowly to the bathroom. My head feels better. We reach the bathroom. I remember my dream. I don t want to go in but I really have to go. Are you coming? asks Joe. Yeah in a minute. I wait outside the bathroom as long as I can. I really need to go! I run in and go as fast as I can. My heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm breathing hard but trying not to let Joe see it. I don t want him to know I m scared. Look at that! says Joe. What is it? Suddenly I forget my dream. Somebody stuffed one of the toilets full of paper towels! What a mess! Joe and I hurry out of the bathroom. We almost knocked Ms. Strict right off her feet. Good thing I wasn't running. We tell Ms. Strict about the bathroom. Thank you boys! Will you please go get the janitor for me so we can get this mess cleaned up. I' m so glad you boys caught it when you did.

I check in with the nurse before I go home for the day. How was my day? It was pretty good but I' m glad school is out! I' ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for all the help!

When I read this, I was crushed. Knowing that my son was suffering like this every day. I am happy to say that he is finally on the right meds that help him have a day like the last scenario. Be an advocate for your child. Go to school and demand that they are given the help that they need and deserve. These kids are our future and they deserve the very best care.

*I wrote this entry in another blogspot a while back. Unfortunately, my son is having a rough time-we are working on his meds and continue therapy as well. My whole heart aches for him when he is suffering.....

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm soooo changing the channel-My Story

My boy has gone off to bed, so buh bye Superbowl! YEAH for me. Well that is after I'm done here. Back in the day (the drinking days) there would have been a big ass party here. It would usually end when the hostess with that mostest-umhm~moi~would either pass out, or throw them out! Ahhhh.. Good times. Good times. Or we would go out to whomever's house was throwing the bash if for some reason I wasn't having it.
Now don't get me wrong, some of these WERE really good times. If you did not ever have a good time while you were an active alkie, you were totally ripped off. The unmanageability and misery doesn't usually start when you start your drinking career. I didn't become really chronic until I found myself at home with a baby in an extremely dysfunctional realtionship with the baby daddy. I was now a mommy and I couldn't go out and party anymore, so I "partied" all by my lonesome in the comfort of my home. Baby daddy aka POS (piece of shit) aka LOSER would also partake. Forgive my bluntness about POS but his so deserves it. Trust me on this one. He was (is) quite the active alcoholic as well.
I have told my story an a few occassions, at speaker meetings in town here and out on the road. I often say that I feel like I "lost" a good 10 years of my life, due to alcoholism. I amashamed to say that I realy do not remember much of the first 10 years of my sons' life. that I can NEVER get that back. EVER. I blame no one for my alcoholism. I do blame myself for not getting out of that relationship much sooner. To be continued.......