Friday, March 27, 2009

No Fair

I am feeling a bit melancholy-so bear with me here. I am feeling sorry for my kid. I feel sorry for him because all he has to do is hang out here at our house with ME. Mom. Big fucking deal. I think it's fair to say that he doesn't have a real friend. I think his illness prevents him from becoming close to any of his peers from school. He's not the friendliest person on the school scene. He keeps to himself in class. He is my baby and I could just bust out in tears at this very moment because he is so alone. He claims to like it that way (I do too sometimes) but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want him to be genuinely happy. I want him to have dreams and have goals in life-but he sees nothing but sadness. He can't see beyond this darkness. He feels that this is where he will always be. I just can't accept that. I will keep working on him. And his meds. And his therapy. And maybe we will see that miracle happen.
I called a relative to look after J when I go on my retreat in a few weeks and she said she could not do it-she would be visiting her sister in Georgia. This woman is the sister of my baby daddy. The woman she is going to be visiting in Georgia is another of baby daddy's sisters. I used to be BFF's with her until my relationship with baby daddy went south. Baby daddy has 4 sisters and all but one of them shunned me when I had him thrown in jail for beating on me. So much for women stickin' together. Blood is indeed thicker than water folks. I'm sure my drunken behavior played a part in our parting of ways. But were were besties and I miss her. I just found out that this trip includes my sons sister who just moved to Chicago and his niece who he misses terribly. He has been in a DEEP depression since they left right after Xmas. J's aunt and sister both KNOW how much this move has affected him. I hope J does not find out that they are all going on a happy vacation without him. Oh GOD please don't let him find out.


Lou said...

I really feel for you in this post. I always felt bad for my son..when he got beat at the karate tournament and the instructor laughed because he didn't like him, or when his teachers compared him to his brainiac big sister. Or when he got his feelings hurt a lot because he was overly sensitive. I wish I knew what to do back then. I wish I knew what to do today.
You are much more aware than I ever was, and you are doing everything you can to help him.My heart goes out to you.

Robin said...

I know firsthand what it's like to not have friends. My entire school life was spent watching others and wondering why I didn't fit in. Now I'm an adult and I know I have Bipolar Disorder so I can understand why my thinking is completely different depending on where I am in my cycle. I can see why other people find it difficult to be around me - it's too hard to keep up with the rapid mood swings.

What I've learned is to accept that I will be friendly to people, kind and generous, but still not invited to be part of the group. I just don't fit in enough. It's ok now, I no longer expect to be included. I have a boyfriend and two glorious children, but only acquaintances outside of family. And the world didn't stop turning just because I was alone a great deal of the time :) Friends are good, connection to people you love is better - even if that's your mom :)

Fractalmom said...

I have often wondered if there was a play group called

extremely gifted adhd possibly bi-polar kids of junkie mom and dad who are being raised by grandma.

so far, haven't seen a one???

maybe, just maybe, we should all be a bit more proactive? start play groups (or in the case of older kids) movie dates or something, even if it is hooking up with some of the other mom's at the counselor's?

i don't know,

big Jenn said...

I always felt so bad for Annie. She was sick allot and she just wasn't liked by other kids. She was alone much of the time. It always made me feel like I had to fix it somehow. Sigh. I'm hearin' ya.jeNN

anna♥ said...

Watching our kids hurt is the worst shit in the world. Hugs to both of you.

Anonymous said...

I need to call you. We should come up with a summer plan for our boys. Something they can do together like go off to summer camp and hang with new people making new friends. It would be fanstastic for him !