Beach House

This is the beautiful home that hosts my home group meetings every Tuesday night. Can you see why I am always so happy to go?? I am privileged to have the keys to the joint as well. Who would've thunk I would be the key holder to such a beautiful place? Certainly NOT me!



This is what you see when you exit the house and look to the right. The sunsets are gorgeous. I was a bit late to get a really good pic tonight. But it's still purdy, ain't it?



Another view - it's finally light out when I get there so I am able to snap a few pics. Even when it's dark in the middle of winter you can hear the surf and just the best sound in the world!



It is absolutely divine having this site for our meeting. Soon we will be having a picnic before the meeting. We are going to try to do that often-a bit of fellowship before the meeting. Pretty cool. Although it is nice having such a beautiful place to meet, it doesn't matter where you have a meeting. Get two of us together and BAMMO - you got yourself a meeting. That is the beauty of this program.

Its About Time

I am feeling so stinkin' blessed today...somebody pinch me! It must be a dream. Naw don't pinch me yet.....I'm not done feeling yet!

I just got some GRRRRRREAT news from a family member. She has finally found a way OUT of a VERY dysfunctional household. My dearest, sweetest loving sister has found a place of her very own. YAY. It's not happening till June-but I do see it happening. She waited for the right opportunity and it arrived today and I couldn't be happier. God is so good.

My son is doing well. I got a call from his guidance counselor today and he is doing much better in class. He is putting out a good effort and that is HUGE compared to the last update. He is doing well at home as well. Between the new med (Abilify) and the warm weather he is a new kid. We take his illness like I do mine, one day at a time. It is much more manageable this way.

I am going to my Beach House meeting tonight. I love my homies. I see them elsewhere, in other meetings and around town but this is where we all get together and it is the absolute best group in AA. If you don't think that about YOUR home group-find another one. We have a business meeting tonight and that is usually pretty interesting. Tonight we elect new people for different jobs. Last time this happened one member freaked out because he couldn't chair. He's calmed down a bit in the last few weeks. We shall see if "him" comes out to play tonight. I will TRY to keep my mouth shut this time. I said TRY. So, I shall blog atcha's later. Have a blessed evening y'all. QUEEN....OUT

Gratitude

Not too much to write about, but there is always GRATITUDE. I go over my gratitude list daily in my head, and well sometimes that just doesn't cut it. I find it's always more helpful in my recovery if I write it down. So I am going to list it here today-BUT I need to do this more often and on PAPER. You know that flat white stuff we used to actually put that pointy wooden stick with lead in it on and write things on? Yea-I need to to that. So today I am grateful for:

1. My Higher Power


2. My fellow recovering alcoholics-TRUE FRIENDS! YAY


3. My Beach House meeting.


4. My boy J of course.


5. Both of us are in good health-with a few bumps in the road


6. The fact that I can DEAL with bumps in the road today!


7. My incredible job. I am so blessed. You don't even know the half of it.


8. My family, hopefully I will see more of them since its's gettin warmer out!


9. Spring-I absolutely LOVE this season.


10. A fridge/freezer full of food that we will never manage to eat (note to self-hit the food bank on day off)


11. Finances are in order.


12. A warm house for me and my boy, it's not perfect-or what I want-but it will do for now.


13. That I know God has a plan for me-and I just have to wait for Him to guide me.


14. Those who have come before us in AA, our teachers. God bless em.


15. That I have compassion for the sick and suffering. I will not turn my back on anyone who asks for help. EVER.

Oh and all of my fellow bloggers..you all ROCK. I will read ya later! QUEEN....OUT

No Fair

I am feeling a bit melancholy-so bear with me here. I am feeling sorry for my kid. I feel sorry for him because all he has to do is hang out here at our house with ME. Mom. Big fucking deal. I think it's fair to say that he doesn't have a real friend. I think his illness prevents him from becoming close to any of his peers from school. He's not the friendliest person on the school scene. He keeps to himself in class. He is my baby and I could just bust out in tears at this very moment because he is so alone. He claims to like it that way (I do too sometimes) but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want him to be genuinely happy. I want him to have dreams and have goals in life-but he sees nothing but sadness. He can't see beyond this darkness. He feels that this is where he will always be. I just can't accept that. I will keep working on him. And his meds. And his therapy. And maybe we will see that miracle happen.
I called a relative to look after J when I go on my retreat in a few weeks and she said she could not do it-she would be visiting her sister in Georgia. This woman is the sister of my baby daddy. The woman she is going to be visiting in Georgia is another of baby daddy's sisters. I used to be BFF's with her until my relationship with baby daddy went south. Baby daddy has 4 sisters and all but one of them shunned me when I had him thrown in jail for beating on me. So much for women stickin' together. Blood is indeed thicker than water folks. I'm sure my drunken behavior played a part in our parting of ways. But were were besties and I miss her. I just found out that this trip includes my sons sister who just moved to Chicago and his niece who he misses terribly. He has been in a DEEP depression since they left right after Xmas. J's aunt and sister both KNOW how much this move has affected him. I hope J does not find out that they are all going on a happy vacation without him. Oh GOD please don't let him find out.

There are some things one should NOT brag about

and one of them is this---that you just lost your job and intend on staying on unemployment benefits for as long as possible. In Connecticut, I believe its a year. Oh, and never tell your "friends" that your ex won't be getting any child support for that year. The reason is this-your "friends" may just be compelled to tell Ms. X what your dumb ass is up to. Then Ms. X might just call the Child Support Enforcement Agency and let them know that your worthless ass got "let go" again. Then CSE would gladly tell the Unemployment office that you have a standing child support order that will most DEFINITELY be deducted from your weekly check. Moral of this lovely little story is : DO NOT FUCK WITH THE QUEEN. Some people never learn.

GRRRRRRR --A letter to the Principal

Mr Jones is the Special ed teacher who IMHO is doing a pretty crapilicious job of educating my son. I wrote a letter to the Principal-cause thats the kind of mom I am these days. Don't be dissin' my kid. Let us not forget how POWERFUL I am! Let me know what you think!

Dear Mr Principal:

I am writing to let you know that I am pretty upset with the Js' progress (or lack of). His progress report reflects the grades that we discussed at our last PPT. I was expecting this. I requested to Mr. Jones that I be made aware of any homework or missing assignments. This doesn't happen. Ever. In checking the Parent Connect website I see that he has many assignments missing or failed. News to me. I can see that he is working on his assignments, I go through his binder and I can see the difference. I requested to be kept up to speed on Js' daily progress, so far I have heard from Joyce Schmenk-which is greatly appreciated. I don't want everyone to drop what they're doing and cater to me, but what do I have to do to get a response here?
You may notice I did not include Mr. Jones in this email. The reason for this is that I am VERY unhappy with the way he interacts with my son. The problem I have is that he DOESN'T interact with him. If J doesn't feel like working-then so be it. He actually said this at our last meeting, if you recall. It has been bothering me ever since. That is Mr. Jones attitude and it is unacceptable to me. I have been very happy with the Resource teachers that we have had for J in the past but I am pretty much done with Mr. Jones.
I realize that ultimately it is J' responsibility to get his work done but he DOES have learning disabilities that Mr. Jones is supposed to be helping him with. I'm pretty sure its his job to help children like J and others to be better able to cope and manage themselves in the school environment despite their disabilities. Now if J is not doing homework or class assignments I should be notified, like I requested. If necessary I will forward a copy of the email I sent to Mr. Jones after our last PPT asking for this kind of feedback.
I have ranted enough. I would like a PPT scheduled at your earliest convenience. I need someone working with my son who has his best interests in mind.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank You--

Mommie Dearest


I hope I don't get a detention for being bitchy, I am sick and tired of this mans' laziness or whatever it is that is keeping him from working with my son the way he is BEING PAID to!
Thanks for listening - night all. Queen....OUT

The Blame Game

One of you should buy me this shirt, cause I am one POWERFUL bitch.

Howdy y'all. Happy Sunday you buncha drunks. I have had an interesting day. "Oh, do share it with us Denise"- I think I heard someone out there shout. I went to work, like a good girl do. I work every Sunday (double time kids) since I am a responsible single mommy. Its what I do, even in my active days. I was usually a pretty high functioning alkie, not that I am bragging. I did however manage to keep my job despite all of the shit going on in my life over the years. I thank God for this every day. So anyway, I'm workin away and a co worker comes in an tells me my baby daddy just walked by. I thank her for the warning and get back to work. Well about 10 minutes later she pops her head back in and tells me he is out there asking for me. EEK. I really don't want to go out there, he creeps me out. He really does. Let me give you an example. The last time I actually SPOKE to this person, he called my cell and I hesitated but eventually answered it. He started to ask how was everything yada yada and next thing I know he says "Has anyone called you a cunt today?" OH YES HE DID. I kid you not, I was at a loss for words, he took me by surprise and I started to say something and I realized he wasn't there anymore, he had hung up. Now this is on a Sunday afternoon and he had NOTHING better to do than to call me and fuck with me like that. Sick I tell ya, SICK. So after that phone call I was definitely creeped out and I finished my workday up rather quickly and headed home, looking for him all the way home. It was probably just what he wanted - me to be scared and I was. How many times do we read about, or see on the news some crackpot killing an ex, their family, etc. That's all I could think was hes gonna get me one of these days.

About a week ago my son asked me when fathers day was. I told him and then I asked him why he wanted to know and he told me he misses his dad. He's only 13 and this POS (piece of shit) IS his father. My son doesn't really know how harmful he is/was to the both of us, I figure in time he will come to his own conclusion on why daddy dearest wasn't around all this time. We don't really speak of him, only that he is actively drinking and when he is in that state, he is not welcome around. So I -being the dumb ass that I am-left a note on his door (at least I think it is his door, last I knew) saying call me when you get a minute. I left it on the back of a business type card that has my name and number on it and a few AA sayings and slogans. Well I guess he got it cause here he was at my job today.

So I grab my cigs and cell and go outside with him to see whats up. I told him why I left the card/note and not only did he LAUGH at my card, he didn't blink an eye when I told him his son missed him. Hence, the handy dandy nickname I have for him-- POS. He did not ask how he is, how is school, NOTHING. He proceeded to tell me that he got "laid off" from his job. GREAAAAAT! This is nothing new, this happens to him quite frequently. I asked if he got laid off or fired. He says laid off and they're screwing him lalalalalala. Same old story every time he loses a job. So there goes my son's health insurance. Whatever, we are getting kind of used to that. Even the pharmacist comments when it actually goes through, "yep, he's still working-the insurance went through". Pathetic. So I can tell that he wants to say or tell me something. There is something he is dying to say, I can tell-I know this person all to well. So I ask him whats wrong and he got all choked up-tears and everything-and told me---------------------"You have RUINED MY LIFE" boo fucking hoo hoo hoo. Are you SHITTING ME????? I know I AM the Queen and all, but I had no idea of the POWER he thinks I have! I have the power to single handedly ruin a life, SWEET. He tells me "You called the police too many times and I just got turned down for a job because I have too many domestic violence charges against me." BOO FUCKING HOO . Did I force you to punch me in the face so many times? Did I force you to choke the shit outta me right after my mother died, so hard that I couldn't speak for a week? Did I force you to beat a relative of mine when he was too drunk to defend himself-almost killing him in the process? Did I force you to beat me in front of our young son, so he could carry the guilt around for YEARS that he thought it was HIS FAULT that his mom got hurt by his dad? Fuck you buddy, and your mother too. Nah not his mom, she only incubated and birthed the spawn of the devil himself.

I was kinda proud of how I handled it when I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of reaching through and ripping out his uncaring heart out via his throat like I wanted to.

He is blaming good old me for all of the wreckage he has left in his wake. It is what we alcoholics do, especially the active ones-we find blame in others. We never look at ourselves as a cause of any problem. I KNOW this because I have been where he is and I have found recovery, and that's what you all taught me. I know that without any kind of recovery in his future, that I will be the cause of every negative thing that ever happens in his pathetic life. I will pray for him and all the rest of the sick and suffering alcoholics out there. There is nothing more I can do.

Now where's my fucking t-shirt, hmmmm?

Sharing with the Boys

Well, I'm home from our commitment. It went really well, considering I was a nervous wreck. I find that the more I share my story the easier it gets. Our chairman for the night was Kerry, the guy who wants me but will never get me (hehe). I usually tell him before hand whether or not I will be sharing or not. Last time we went to this treatment center, I told him flat out NO - I just wanted to get a feel for the place and maybe next time. Well tonight was next time. I didn't give him the thumbs up or down before the meeting started. He called a few of the other ladies first, who did a fantastic job. All I could think was -oh geez, I'm gonna get up there and sound like an ass now, compared to them! Kerry took his life into his own hands and called me up to share. He is a brave man. I got up there and OMG - it was quite humbling to get up there and tell 110 men my story. From what I heard from my group I sounded good, but I of course didn't think so. I didn't know a single one of them, so I figured why the hell not. Just get up there and do it. One of the men in our group told me afterward he was watching the "crowd" and I had their attention. They were listening, which is why we do this. Hopefully someone got something out of what I said. A number of them came up and thanked me for sharing, which was nice. One of them was so kind that I ended up giving him a bag of candy-LMAO. I was like ohhh, thanks for being so kind to me-Here you get a prize LMAO. He was grateful, they don't get too many treats where they're at.
So all in all it was a great night. One of our convoy got pulled over for running a stop sign on the way home and another sober friend called me because they got a flat on the highway on the way home from another meeting. I was sober tonight and I was able to help them out after I dropped off my carload at their homes. I didn't think twice about going to get them, because that's what we do for real friends today. When I was out there I wouldn't have answered my phone, never mind drive out and pick your butt up off the side of the highway. Hell, no. But I do these things today because I am sober. I will sleep good tonight, after thanking my Higher Power for keeping me safe and sober for another day. Cool. Queen....OUT

Men's Recovery Center Tonight woohoo

I am leaving for a speaking committment soon, its at a MEN'S treatment center. I have been there before, but not to speak. I was just there for "support". I was intimidated by the 100+ men sitting there in a long term rehab. Yes me, intimidated. Imagine that. I remember when I was drinking I never had that particular problem! The more the merrier! This time I am bringing up some more females, hopefully that will help. Wish me luck! I will write later on how it turned out! Queen...OUT

Tardiness-

I just got my son off to school. I dropped him off ON TIME today. Whenever I drive him in, he has more than enough time to get in there and show his face in homeroom to avoid a tardy. He's been late more times this year than I care to mention. I am usually at work when he departs in the morning. I call him, text him and all is supposedly fine-until I get the call or email that he was LATE-AGAIN. I am off today and I was here during his morning routine, and I tell you I wanted to put my foot up his arse. Absolutely NO sense of urgency. At the ten minutes left to leave warning, he still had no shoes on, no teeth brushed. UGH. Is this a guy thing? A kid thing? I can't figger it out! Even with me NAGGING (or so he says-cute huh?) him he is still on that one speed. I am not a great example, damn AA-I must be honest here. I usually leave for work in the morning with a toothbrush in one hand and applying hairspray and makeup with the other. But geezzuss-what's a mom to do. I told the school to just give him detentions, let him see how he likes staying late every time he's late. Well people, I just had to vent-I got a dentist appt in a bit, its for a cleaning but the filling I got a few weeks ago FELL OUT and they will be repairing that as well. Its on my FRONT top tooth, I can't lose that one. I have enough issues without having a big ole gap in my face-thank u very much. Have an awesome day you bunch 'o' drunks. Queen....OUT

What's up in Queens World

It's almost beddie bye time but I thought I'd check in with all my alkies before I turn in. I bet you're THRILLED!

My son is doing MUCH better, thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.....You all just amaze me with your love and comments and suggestions. The prayers have worked, and the med changes have certainly made a difference. Thank you God! I was really afraid, actually scared of my own kid-and that was an awful feeling. I often wonder if I am doing the right thing-with the meds and all, but seeing him in such a state was quite an eye-opener. I think we are all just wired differently and some of us need medication to function properly. Pretty simple it seems, but its really not. There are the side effects, the stigma, the sense of being or feeling different than your friends. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but we are taking that a day at a time-much like my recovery. Thinking about it in small pieces like that makes it much easier to handle.

I went to my Beach House meeting tonight. It was awesome as usual. I have a friend there who is working on her 4th step and was so excited to let me know that her sponsor said when she is done with her 5th, she will be able to begin sponsoring. She is DYING to get her hands on me! HEHE. She knows I'm sponsor less at the moment and she wants Queenie in a bad way. LOL. How sick am I when sponsors seek to sponsor ME! I though it was supposed to be the other way around, but hey-I would gladly accept the help. She is right, I DO need a sponsor and I admire the way she is working HER program. I know that if I don't begin some serious step work I will be in some deep doo-doo. I don't look good in doo-doo so Step work it is.

Mr Jackass received his 10 year medallion tonight. Whoopdie-fuckin-doo. He was so ungracious that I coulda just reached over and slapped the shit outta him. BUT I did not, I congratulated him when it was my turn to share. I hope it sounded sincere, but it didn't feel like it when I said it. He is just a miserable fuck and I need to accept that and get over it. I was told to pray for him, so I suppose I could try that.

OK-Gratitude list and then Nitey nite:

• I have an awesome kid, I can't imagine life without him



• I have a job, car and roof over our heads



• I have genuine friends



• I have a house full of yummy food, which I am enjoying too much lately!



• I have the coolest blogger buddies on the planet



• Its almost spring-yeehaw



• I am going on a road trip with my drunks Thursday night, to a treatment center-carrying the message rocks



• My Higher Power



• my Family



• My new dew



• bills are paid!



• My warm blankie, which I am gonna go crawl under!

Night all, sweet dreams!! Queen....OUT

Relapse

I have a friend who I have been trying to help. I think I mentioned him in an earlier post, just out of rehab, friend of my sisters'. Anywho-he has been out of contact recently and I assumed he had relapsed and I was correct. Sometimes I hate it when I am right. He finally called me last night and he was drunk but kind of coherent. He may not even remember speaking to me. Hell I would talk to all kinds of people back in the day and not remember a thing the next day. Memories.... Hell I sometimes do that now. Some aspects of getting older do suck. It's still a blessing that I am getting older at all. If I didn't quit drinking I know I would probably have died by now.
So anyway, back to my friend. He said that he is going crazy (you think?) and he want to come to the Beach House meeting tonight. I told him he is welcome, no one will judge-yada yada. It's true though. No matter what, you are always welcome back at an AA meeting. He kept going on that he has no one to talk to, no one knows his story, no one drinks like he does/did for the last 30 years. Yes that was probably his drunkenness blabbering on, but if he thinks his story is any worse than any of ours he is sadly mistaken. We all have our stories, our jackpots, we have all hurt our families, etc. Maybe he thinks there are special meetings out there for "special" alcoholics like him, I don't know. I told him to NOT drink today and get off his ass and come to the meeting. He is kind of shy, but he needs to get involved with some men in the fellowship and start the damn work that it takes to stay sober. Its a lot of work and no one can do it for him. So I hope he sticks around this time. I told him I don't want to lose another friend to this disease and he informed me he wasn't going to drink himself to death. Yea, right. Just like Jennifer didn't. I swear this disease is so powerful. I hate it. I hate it enough to continue to try to help those that are still sick and suffering and really WANT the help. It is all I can do, and I shall. Gotta go get ready for the best AA meeting in Ct. Queen.....OUT

What a Fucked up Monday

Just as the title says, today was horrendous at work. WOW. And me without my emergency stash of happy pills. What a frggin' nightmare. I have been "chosen" to train a manager. If you want to be in management in my company, you have to work in every department and learn everything about that department. Great concept, but I have a routine people. I find it very distracting to stop and tell/show this guy everything I'm doing and still get all my work done in the time allotted. Its impossible actually. I am a bookkeeper in a very busy store and all I can think about while I'm doing all this splanin' is how much more work I need to get done before I depart for the day and I have this shadow lurking over my shoulder watching my every move. Have I mentioned that my office is kind of on the small side and this trainee has the worst breath I have EVER encountered? I worked with him a few years ago, and when he came into my office I would find something to do on the other side of the room until he left. Come on~He has since married and had a child and you think his bride would do something about this issue. For chrissake, how could she NOT notice and/or have him DO SOMETHING about it? Enough of that before I hurl chunks all over my keyboard. Good thing he's only gonna be here for TWO MORE WEEKS~serenity now, serenity now.
I also had this woman come in to the store to discuss a check of hers that was returned. She has got to be our star check bouncer~I counted at least 30 on record with us. She brings in paperwork from her bank telling me she got charged $20.00 for a check of hers that cleared on the SECOND TIME that we deposited it. The first time it did not. When your check doesn't clear you get charged-she knows this. She could send her grandchildren to college on the money she has wasted on paying bank fees over the years. She knows there is a charge and still continued to argue with me. I gave her $20.00 to get her out of my face. She was not taking no for and answer and I just wanted to be rid of her. Although, she did make me chuckle when Mr Trainee butted in with a comment and she looked at him and said "I wasn't talking to you, I am talking to her. Who ARE you anyway? Are you a manager or something?" hehe. He said nope, sorry. She told him he needed to mind his own business. She was feisty. But I was sooooooo busy and not in the mood to continue arguing with her. I know times are hard, but this woman has been doing this for YEARS. It was worth twenty bucks to make her go buh bye.
On a happier note, I reunited with 3 cousins on Sunday night. I found them on Facebook and we all got together. What a great time. We are planning a family picnic for the summer. A cousin volunteered his home (sucker!) and it will happen! We used to have one every year when all of our parents were alive. We all want to start this tradition again. I brought my son with me and he was able to meet some cousins(second)that he never knew existed and he actually got along great with them. My son doesn't take to new people to well and when he did it made momma a happy girl. The cousin that is having the picnic is in recovery and so is his wife! How cool is that?!!! I see his wife frequently at meetings, she's a sweetie and she was very kind to Jonathon and told him he is welcome anytime to come over and hang with her boys.
So I will go in with a fresh new attitude tomorrow, no sense in having the crazy check bouncing lady or the halitosis king ruin another day. I will not forget the magical happy pills tomorrow. Nope. Queen...OUT

Tuesday-just Tuesday

Hey all, its been a bit since I've posted. I must confess, I have been spending WAYYYYY to much time on Facebook. Yes, Facebook. You all know about FB right? The site you post on , connect with people and they own you forever, yes that FB. But it is FUN! I like fun, but it is quite addicting. I have found long lost friends and more importantly FAMILY. I found many cousins and a few other family members that I had lost touch with. It's just so nice to see everyone. I'm sure they're THRILLED that I am back in their lives as well! How could they NOT be? hehe.
I am about to leave for my Tuesday night Beach House meeting. I absolutely LOVE this meeting. It's always so good to see my fellow alkies. I am "snack lady" and I will be bringing chocolate chip cookies to my friends tonight. I used to have a real job, coffee maker. I gave it up recently. We had to vote on new people for commitments and they usually just say, you still want coffee-right Denise? I usually did and I kept that job for 4 years. Yes, years. I needed the commitment. It kept me going every week, it kept me sober. I believe that it is so important to get involved in your home group. Get involved, meet new people, learn to give away what has been so freely given to you. This is after all how it works, isn't it? I can say enough about AA and how it has changed my life. I will be forever grateful to AA and my new friends. It's a bloody miracle, if you could've only know me then. Oh my goodness.
Gotta go for now....I think I will finish this post after the meeting and then publish it. So ta ta for now blogger buddies.....Queen OUT

Queen BACK IN! hehe..
GOOD MEETING YA'LL They always are. Lately our room has been full, which is a wonderful thing. For a while it was getting pretty slow in that room, just us regulars. Some were talking about closing down the meeting, and I told them it would go on if I had to pay the rent myself. Back in the day-like 1991-when I was first introduced to AA there were meetings everywhere and it was standing room only in some of them. There would be HUNDREDS of people at them. Now this town I live in is pretty much a small town and they still packed em in. Now we are seeing lots of newcomers, that's always a good thing. But it is nothing like it used to be, attendance wise. I shudder to think of why this is. Some have surely passed on, but where are all of the sick and suffering? I pray they find their way to these rooms. Miracles truly do happen in this fellowship.
OK, I gotta go be nosey, there are 5 po po cars across the street. Ima gonna go make some popcorn and watch the show.
Bye for now.
Queen OUT