Sometimes being right just sucks

A few posts ago I wrote about my sponsee Jen. I haven't heard from her since before Christmas, when we discussed getting her into treatment. She said she would go into treatment after Christmas. She didn't want to dissapoint her kids by not being there for them on Christmas. I received a call today from her boyfriend. Sadly, Jen has passed away. This fucking disease killed her. Now her children will be permanently dissapointed. I will continue this later. I need to try to call her mother again. Please pray for her family.

Damn, that felt GOOD

I put a belligerent, self-absorbed, asinine jackass in his place tonight and IT FELT GOOD! Well it feels good at the moment anyway. I'm sure I will be making amends tomorrow, but for now I am enjoying. I went to my regular Tue. night meeting tonight. Awesome meeting. Great speaker. Good topic discussion after the speaker. A good friend was presented with her ONE YEAR medallion!!! WTG Val! So anyway, real good night. THEN we have our business meeting. At our business meeting, Mr. Jackass keeps interrupting (oh, just like he usually does DURING our regular meeting) because he wants to bring something up and like a child he just CAN'T wait until the secretary is ready to hear it. So I say Val let Mr. Jackass (I didn't say that at the meeting lol) speak cause its killing him, and he says (loud and obnoxiously) "Never mind, I don't want to even bring it up anymore, forget it". So I say "Oh, come on don't do this again Mr. Jackass-just tell the group what you wanted." He declines acting like a friggin child and I told him he was once again acing like a 2 old and to knock it off. He did NOT like hearing the truth. I finally said out loud what everyone in the room has been wanting to say for a very long time. Mind you, he did this last month at our business meeting-practically stomping his feet and sticking out his tongue at us on the way out. It was worse last month and the next day a newcomer (my sponsee) and 2 more regulars told me they weren't coming back to this particular meeting because of Mr. Jackass. After he stormed out, other group members were thanking me for saying what they have been wanting to say for a very long time.

I could write a book about this guy - but I won't. I know we are a sick bunch. Booze is but a symptom of our disease. Just because we put down the bottle does NOT mean all is well! As they say, some are sicker than others. How true, I know because I am including myself in the sicker than others category! I, however do realize this and receive counseling and an anti-depressant to help me with those issues. All I can do is pray that he gets well. And I shall.

My Gratitude list for today:

• I love my Tuesday night beach house meeting.
• I gave up my coffee commitment to another, but I DO miss it-it will be OK
• I was able to ENJOY my meeting without worrying about what was going on with the coffee pot
• I have great friends in recovery
• Our speaker tonight has been through hell and back and never had to drink over any of it-He is truly an inspiration
• I am grateful for Mr Jackass, because when he is being just a regular guy, he is very kind to my son-taking him to baseball games and movies.
• I have a great job, definitely a blessing in these hard times.
• I have an awesome family-even the ones who ignore me now that they think they might catch the "sober cooties" from me and choose to stay as far away from me as possible.
• I am grateful that even though it felt good tonight, I must make amends to my fellow alcoholic for acting out-I probably could have handled it better. I am thankful that I know when I am wrong and I can promptly admit it.
• I am grateful for my new blogger buddies/friends. You all rock, just so ya know!

Déjà vu

I am the fourth of my parents six children. Every one of us has been afflicted with addiction in one form or another. Whether it be cigarettes, alcohol, drugs-we all have it. Mostly booze though. I am the only one who is in recovery. Not tootin' my own horn, I'm just sayin'! Let me tell you about my siblings going from the oldest on . My oldest brother has disowned me since I entered recovery. He is an alcoholic. He used to practically live here-but I guess I am not his cup of tea (or Budweiser) anymore. Next brother is also an alcoholic/addict who is in denial and never returns my phone calls. In fact he doesn't speak to any of his siblings. His loss, but whatever. Next is a sister who passed away at age 37 due to alcoholism and addiction. A methadone overdose is what finally did her in in 2000. She left behind 3 children. So sad. Then after me I have a younger sister who I adore (oh, and who reads my blog BTW) She is in a crappy relationship, just like I was. To cope with the madness, she seeks solace in a wine bottle. It scares me because that's exactly how I started. I am not writing anything I haven't already told her, so chill out. She knows I love her and I only want the best for her. Then there's the youngest, a brother, who smokes pot like cigarettes. He doesn't drink but he likes him some weed! Lots of it. Oh and we ALL smoke cigs. So there you go. I love my family, and all we have is one another since we lost both parents-Dad in 1991 and Mom in 1997. They both passed on WAY before their time. What I'm trying to say is that is IN MY OPINION alcoholism and addictive behaviors run in the family. I am very fortunate to have found the rooms of AA. I know this. If I go out and drink again-I will die. This disease want me to dead. It is totally up to ME now.

So I want to talk about my sister who passed away. I don't know how old she was when she began using, but it was pretty young. The only memories I have of her while growing up are negative. She was always in trouble, always causing trouble, always getting into trouble at school. When she became a teenager, she was always out "partying" she was NEVER home. Always hanging out with all the wrong people. Over the years she had three children. Her first child was with one dad and the other two were from another man. You'll see why that is relevant further on in this post. She was a good mother (as good as an active alkie/addict can be) in the beginning. The kids were always clean, fed. By the time they were 2, 4 and 6 they were living alternately at my house, my mothers' house with, their father, my sister. Whatever. She was in active addiction and that became her focus in life. She tried recovery time and time again. She was in and out of rehabs, more than we could count. It just never clicked with her. She was your typical alcoholic/addict. It was all about HER. I'm not knockin' her, I was the same way when I was active. She thought the world owed her. She knew every which way to take advantage of every rehab, government program(welfare, food stamps etc.) Toys for tots (hell those kids got more gifts than they could EVER use some years, all on generous donors) If it was free, she was first in line. OK, now I guess I'm knockin' her. But if you didn't have money for her, or wouldn't take her to the ER so she could get some serious opiates for every imaginary ailment that all the goddamn Dr.'s gave her, then she didn't want anything to do with you. So, we lost touch over the years. We never knew exactly where was or what she was doing, but it was usually bad. I must mention that she was also bipolar. She was on meds for that as well as using alcohol and other drugs. BAD COMBINATION. So in the end, her body could not fight her addiction and longer and she was found dead of what we later learned was a methadone overdose. She was on methadone maintenance and I don't know HOW she was able to OD but she did. I saw her 10 days before she passed away and she was drinking, so maybe it was a combination. I don't know.

My new friend/sponsee Jen is a CHRONIC alcoholic. Not knockin' her either, I was pretty bad myself. I'm just telling it like it is. She was doing ok for a bit and she is now drinking 24/7. would like to tell you a few bits about her. Not breaking anonymity, you don't know me and I made up her name sooo.....

• she is 37 years old. Same age as my sister when we lost her.
• She has 3 children, one from 1st husband, two and three from hubby # 2. Same as my sister.
• Her oldest lives with her mother. Same as my sister.
• Her youngest two live with their father. Same as my sister.
• She is an alcoholic/addict. Just like my sister.
• She thinks the world owes her. Just like my sister.

AND SHE IS GOING TO DIE. JUST LIKE MY SISTER.

I am trying to get her into treatment as we speak, but she wants to wait until after Christmas. I don't think she has that long. I really don't. She has been hospitalized 3 times this year due do her alcoholism. Two of those visits were ONE MONTH stretches. We're not talking rehab, just getting her body back to a point where they feel safe releasing her. The last time was only about a month ago, right before I met her. I can only help her if she really wants it. I am not ready to give up on her, but JESUS CHRIST-she is going to drop dead. I told her that the best Christmas present she can give her kids is to give them their mother back. Go to treatment. But she wants to wait. I'm afraid it will be too late by the time she decides to actually go.

When my sister passed away, I felt guilty for a very long time that I didn't help her. I had been in and out of the rooms, so I KNEW there was a way out of the madness. She knew it too. I have often thought that if I had got sober a few years earlier, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have made a difference. God had other plans. I got sober when I was supposed to. I went through all my own hell, and I remember it all (well minus the blackouts!) quite well. Well enough to not want to go out and repeat it again.

I need to remember that I can't help someone that doesn't truly want it. I don't know if my sister TRULY wanted it, and I don't know if Jen TRULY wants it. It hurts me to see her like that, it reminds me of how my sister suffered. How all active alcoholics suffer. I can only guide her, I can't carry her. I have to remember this. If you could, include Jen in your prayers. She needs all the prayers she can get.

Flashback

So I get a phone call from my "sponsee" (<--- side note: I'm so friggin proud of myself that I finally figured out how to do this lol) today. I haven't heard from her in about a week. She asked me if I was going to a meeting tonight, and asked if I could come and get her. She told me she was having a really bad day and really needed a meeting. When I arrive to pick her up, she's covered in bruises, fat lip-she looks like hell. Her "fiancee'" got drunk and beat the shit out of her. She is embarrassed and doesn't want to go, but I convince her that she will feel better after the meeting. So off we go, the first person who comes in looks at her and says "Hey roadkill, what the fuck happened to you?" This woman tells it like it is-says what she means. So it was no surprise that she said that to Jen. It cracked us all up, even though there is no humor in what she had been through. But it did make Jen feel more comfortable, being out in public with a face that looked like fucking hamburger.

So Jen, Alice (the blunt lady) and I sit together once the meeting begins. As I am listening to everyone share, I begin to notice a familiar, nasty smell. NAH, it can't be. OH Yes it can, I smell booze and its coming from Jen. The break comes and I notice Jen has DEFINITELY been drinking. DAMMIT. After our cigarette break (which ended up with her crying and wanting to die because she thinks she' worthless) we went into the kitchen. I told her I know she's been drinking and she is NOT worthless. I told her she needed to stay away from her abuser and if she wants help, I am here for her. By the time the meeting was over and we were on our way home, she was wanting the call her loser BF. You can't reason with a drunk, so I didn't. I have plans with her tomorrow-so hopefully we can keep her sober for a bit. Long enough to be able to talk some sense into her.

The flashback I had about this whole experience is that I HAVE LIVED EVERY SINGLE THING this young lady is going through. The physical abuse, the drinking before/during a meeting, the going back for more bashing. The wanting to die, the hopelessness. I believe there is hope for her. I am living proof. I lived it, and I conquered.

Daddy WHO?

Anyone else out there have a baby daddy who doesn't give a shit about their kid? Yea- I thought so. I just DON'T GET IT. How can someone bring a beautiful being into this world only to do as little as possible to nurture and raise your own flesh and blood? I want to say that it is a guy thing. But that is not true, there are many men who are raising children on their own, while baby momma is off "living" her life. So then what is it? What makes a person not want to see their own child? What makes them want to do ANYTHING BUT do the right thing and at least call their son?

My Son's dad is a fucking loser. Sorry, it is what it is. He is an active alcoholic-so that is his priority at the moment. That and he has a new female alcoholic to play with and that is all he needs. A bottle and someone to screw. Not that I mind, now he leaves me the hell alone! J's birthday was a few weeks ago and I knew we would probably hear from him. The phone call came when J was in his room and his cell was in the room with me. Mind you, it was like 8pm on his birthday. I answered it and told him NO you may NOT speak to J, I will NOT ALLOW YOU TO FUCK UP HIS BIRTHDAY. My son was having a good day, it was almost time for bed, and I didn't want that phone call to ruin it. He hadn't seen or spoken to his father in at least 3 months. I told father he needs to at least CALL him to re-establish a relationship with his son. Then and only then would I allow it to continue-if that's what he wanted. To date, he had not called J.

Not that I deserve Mother of The Year award. I was an active drunk for the first 10 years of my sons life. BUT, I NEVER abandoned him, I was always here taking care of him the best I could. The best I could do was not always the best for J, but we somehow got through it all and are doing pretty well now.

So the missing daddy thing shouldn't be a big shocker for me. Loser has two other children from his first marriage, and he abandoned them and still ignores both of them to this day. He even has a grand daughter that he hasn't seen in months either. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

When we are out there active, we only care about ourselves. Our booze comes first, everything else doesn't matter. I keep trying to remind myself that it is his disease. It probably is, but I was always here for J. I JUST DON'T FRIGGING GET IT PEOPLE!

Sponsorship

Well I entered a new chapter in my awesome journey in sobriety. I took on a sponsee for the first time tonight. I am both excited and scared. The excitement comes from finally being able to pass on what was freely given to me. The fear is that I might not be ready to be anyones sponsor as I have yet to get one myself. I felt an immediate connection to this frail young woman, who I wrote about here a few weeks ago. She is doing amazing and I feel pretty damn good that anyone would even consider asking ME...ME to help guide them on their new journey! I just wanted to share this news with you all, now I must go eat. I think I actually forgot to do this today....NOT GOOD. Brightest blessings to all.....

The Joys of Motherhood

So I just got the boy off to school. He was in a good mood and didn't give me any grief about anything this morning. Yesterday was a different story.

You see I work full time days and that means J gets ready and off to school on his own every day. This works for us, for the most part but lately...not so much. Yesterday was one of those days. I usually call and/or text him every morning to make sure he is on task, moving along like he should be. Yesterday morning he wasn't answering me. So I leave work and come home and there he is sitting in the living room in his undies, watching cartoons like its no big deal. I told him to get dressed, I would drive him to school. He gets PISSED (well he was pissed when he saw me come through the door) and starts punching walls and storms off to get dressed. Seconds later he comes back in to tell me "screw it, I haven't showered and I'm NOT going to school" and then he starts crying. (Did I forget to mention that his therapist has diagnosed him with bipolar disorder?) He goes on to tell me that there are only 2 things he cares about and they are his niece (hes a brand new first time uncle) and his video games (UGH-those damn games) and he is losing both so he doesn't "give a shit about anything".


Yes he said "shit" to his momma.


I need to back up a bit and tell you that on Friday I gave J a FINAL WARNING and if he was late to school anymore (the last month has been awful) I would take away all of his video games until the lateness problem got resolved. Also, his sister (not my daughter-his sperm donors kid) is moving after Xmas and hence "losing" his niece.

So he was so down about everything, I went back to work, finished up and came home to be with him for the day. Yes, I let him stay home. I have learned that when he is in this type of funk, that it is better to NOT have him go to school. At the end of sixth grade his school had him ARRESTED for mouthing off (there were TWO days left to the end of the year!) He claims to have said one thing and the Vice-principal heard another and it was apparently enough to charge a 10 year old with breach of peace. There was a court appearance, probation and a lot of other bullshit to have to endure because of this outburst and if I can avoid that fuckin happy horseshit by keeping him home-that's what I will do.

Well, that was YESTERDAY~~~I lost power and my train of thought smack dab in the middle of this post! So anyway-J is a work in progress, just like his momma. We continue to move forward-together.

Winter Wonderland

So this is what I woke up to today, how cool is this! Our first official snow of 2008, ain't it perty?

OK, I'm telling-on myself

So I am off from work today, I was off yesterday as well. I bet you think I got a lot done. You would be WRONG! I bummed out all day yesterday, got NOTHING done that I needed to do. There, I ratted myself out. I am hoping that this will help me in getting some stuff done today.
Here are some things that I MUST DO TODAY:

1. Get the oil changed in my car. The place is half a mile down the road, it takes what 10 minutes at these quick oil change places right? Maybe when my car finally starts spittin' and sputterin' I will finally go down there and give it what it needs so I will have a nice healthy car to get my lazy ass from point A to B? NO, GET OFF YOUR ASS DENISE.
2. Get massive amounts of laundry done, hell I don't even have to leave the comfort of my home to get this one done. It is just so OVERWHELMING at times! I have lots to do, most of which I need to donate to Goodwill. I have clutter on top of clutter that will go away permanently if I put a dent in this today. GET OFF YOUR DEAD ASS DENISE.
3. Get rid of my old TV. At the moment I have two very LARGE televisions in my living room. I gifted myself a 46" LCD recently and my old 37" is still here-haunting me.
   Its sits behind the new TV taunting me as if to say "screw you and your new set, I weigh about 200 lbs and you will NEVER get me outta here by yourself, NEVER" NO REALLY DENISE GET OFF YOUR DEAD ASS.
4. Get the friggin Christmas tree up. I cannot do this until I accomplish #3. I purchased a tv stand/table thingy to put the new TV on and cannot assemble (yes assemble) it until Mr Zenith goes bye bye. STILL WAITING - IS YOUR ASS ASLEEP, OR WHAT?
5. Buy my son a book bag/backpack. His "broke" yesterday and I sent him off to school with the broken one hanging from one shoulder ghetto style-promising to get him a new one today. C'MON DENISE-ITS A BACKPACK-GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS-LIKE NOW

I think that's enough to expect of my self to get done today. I thought maybe writing it down would help me get motivated. Hell its working already, I have a load of blankets washing as we speak. I remember a counselor in an alcohol treatment center telling me to set goals, but don't set them too high. Instead of saying "I'm going to clean this house today" say I will clean a certain part of it today. Like the kitchen. Just the kitchen. But I tend to start in the kitchen and then next thing you know I am scrubbing the toilet, or worse I am on the computer! HAHA. I am easily distracted to say the least. When, oh when, are these brain cells going to rejuvenate-if then even will? My poor brain.

Even with my brain a mess, my house a mess, too many things to get done....I am still a sober alcoholic. None of this "unmanageability" I have in my life comes close to the "unmanageability" I had when I was out there drinkin my life away. I'm just lazy now lol. Ok here goes nuthin', I am off to Jiffy Lube. Here I go-GETTIN' OFF MY DEAD ASS.

Everything Happens For a Reason

That's what I have been told anyway. Tonight I went to my regular Tuesday night Beach House meeting. I was going to have to chair because our regular guy had another out of town commitment. I am already the coffee maker and I really didn't want to chair-but would if I had to. On the way the chair calls me and tells me he missed his ride and would I pick him up for the Beach meeting. COOL. I'm off the hook! YAY! So I pick him up, set up the coffee and go outside to smoke with my beloved drunks until the meeting begins.

Up the ramp walks an older lady with a younger woman. The younger of the two meekly asks if anyone has a cigarette. I must be honest when I heard her ask I thought geez-she can't even say hello and bums a cig right from the get go. Whats her problem? The older woman (who turned out to be this girls Mom) went inside and I started to realize that this woman was in a pretty bad place. She was groggy, shaking, smelling like I used to smell. She had just been released from the hospital and was at her first meeting in a long time. She asked the three of us how long we have been sober and when we told her she looked at us in awe and asked "how do I do it, when will I not feel like this?" She told us she was scared. She didn't want to die. We gave her a meeting book with our phone numbers and told her to USE these numbers and just keep coming to meetings.

When it was time for the meeting to begin, I stood her up and led her in (I was afraid she was going to fall over) and she stopped short of going through the door where the meeting is held. She said she was scared. I told her everyone in that room has been where she is and not to worry, I would sit with her if she wanted. She wanted. She grabbed my hand and didn't let go until break time. After the break we give out chips for various lengths of sobriety. I convinced her to go up and get a newcomer chip. She hesitated, but did go up and get it. She came back to sit down with a smile on her face. When she got the opportunity to share, she told everyone exactly what she should have. She was newly sober, she was scared and she didn't want to die.

I believe that God put that woman in my life for a reason. If the evening went like it was supposed to, I would have had to chair the meeting and I would not have been able to hook up with her. I plan on taking her to a women's meeting tomorrow and want to try to help her if I can. After all, what would have become of me if no one reached out to ME when I first came in? I want to give back what has been freely given to me. That's how the miracle happens. We try to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. I will pray for my new friend tonight, pray that she gets well. I freakin love this program!

Fire Sale Anyone?

So I'm at work today and a co-worker peeks in my office and announces to me that our store is on fire, call the fire dept. WTF !!! Now mind you, just a few years ago-this would have been a dream come true for me. I hated my job and wished the dump would burn down. Today I kinda like being gainfully employed so I call 911. They told us to evacuate and so out to the parking lot we all go. Come to find out some dipshit disposed of some batteries improperly and they just started to blow up and shoot sparks everywhere, catching cardboard and what not on fire. Geez, what a smoky mess it was. FOUR HOURS later, we were allowed back in the store. Made for some awesome OVERTIME for me....Awesome as in, mo money for the holidays.

Speaking of the holidays, I decided that I will battle all the bitches this year on Black Friday! How much fun will that be! I already have my list and my mace ready people. I will be bringing my sister Barb for backup. Together we will make a killing, yes I mean literally. If any of these twats think they're getting their mitts on that GPS I've had my eye on forever or the LCD HDTV I sooooooo want they got another thing comin! My cart will become a lethal weapon. So Ya'll better watch out! FUN!

I need to kick the boys off the Wii so I can go to sleep. My son is here and my nephew Bub is here. Lemme tell you a bit about this child. Having him over is a bit like living "Ferris Buehlers' Day Off".......without the day off. He is the same age as my son J, and has the best sense of humor of any 13 year old I have ever met. He has been cracking us up with his antics since the day he was born, I friggin love this kid.

Life is good. Can't wait to kick some serious ass on Black Friday. Peace

Thank U God, its done

The big 13th birthday party is over and done. Whew. I busted my ass to get this house in order and to put the new gym together all by my lonesome, thank you very much. I am one tiiiied girl. I am still up as there are children playing Wii in my sleeping quarters-so I write.

The party went well, a mixture of my family and my exes family (minus the ex) and everyone got along quite nicely. I need to explain that I have not invited my exes family to ANYTHING in probably 5 years or more. This year I put my kids needs and wishes before my own and invited them and I was kinda surprised to have them all come! My son loves them, and he rarely gets to see them since he has the loser from hell for a dad-who never sees him never mind any of his family members. He is still out there slowly committing suicide with his drinking. All I can do is pray for him (if he drops dead and breaks my kids heart-I'll bring him back to life just so I can kill him).

So my sons' sister (from anutha mutha) and her new baby came tonight. This made my son a very happy tween. She is living here in town, but is moving to the windy city after the holidays. My son is crushed. This will be another "loss" for him. First his dad and now his sister and his niece. Because dear old dad left and never contacts him, he thinks that his sister will be gone forever as well. He suffers from bipolar disorder and depression and this news has hit him hard. I'm glad she showed. J (son) is so proud to be an uncle and it was awesome that he had her at his partay.

What I am grateful for today:

• today I am sober
• I have a happy child (today)
• I have forgiveness from people I have harmed in the past
• I have a great family who loves me unconditionally
• I have great friends!
• I have a roof over my head
• I have a job I love
• I have a clean house YAY!
• I will remember my sons' 13th birthday party-forever-because I was sober!
• I am grateful that I am able to be grateful
• that I am learning how to LIVE again
• for AA-aabsolutely saved my life
• that I have 1095 days sober, one day at a time!
• God willing I will celebrate 3 years on Monday the 17th of Nov.
• that God is good to me
• that I love me today

I'm off

Its my day off and I begin my day by volunteering - yes - volunteering at my sons' school. Cause that's how I roll now. After that I need to do some shopping (YAY) since we will be celebrating his 13th birthday this weekend! I can still remember seeing that pretty blue strip on my pregnancy test confirming that yes indeed, this drunk was gonna be someones mommy! WTF! I remember saying NO WAY, I cannot do this. I can't have a kid in my life. When would I have time to drink? Thirteen years later, I can honestly say its the very best thing that could've happened to this alcoholic. This kid has given me a reason to live, a purpose. God bless him.

Rudolph

If my beloved dog relieves himself one more time inside my house I swear I will stick a lightbulb up his ass, paint his nose red and park his sorry ass out on my lawn and change his name to Rudolph. Happy Fuckin holidays.

What an awesome night

Here I go, spillin my guts all over the internet! HA! I am an alcoholic named Denise. I should really say I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. In one week, God willing, I will have three years clean and sober. Who'd of thunk it. If you knew me then, you certainly would not have thunk it! I went thru hell and back one too many times(and if you were unfortunate enough to have been with me, I would have brought you down with me as well), and it was time to clean up my act or I was gonna die. Die and leave my young son without a mom and with a father who is still out there using. I thank God every day for AA. It literally saved my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Today life is worth living. Today I have a life. Today I can help others to recover. Today I have a son who is getting well, as long as I stay well. Today I have the respect of others. Today I don't have to worry about what I did or said last night, because I am sober and I actually REMEMBER what I did and said last night! Today I can drift off to sleep instead of passing out (what a concept!) Today I don't have to lie, to cover up all the other lies I told. Today I can be a good mom. For all of this and more I am so grateful. JUST FOR TODAY.