Miss manners I am not-I bet you never would have guessed that huh? I need to know how you all feel about this kind of dilemma I am in. As I said in my last post <-- my sons sister is getting married in a week. He is invited to the wedding, I was being considered (pending approval from POS). I ended up telling her to have a nice wedding and don't bother asking POS. Even if he did APPROVE I would have felt uncomfortable there anyway. So I will not be there. I did not get an official invite. Even if I did get an invite, I don't think I would have attended. Therefore I don't think I am obligated to get her a gift.
Am I being too harsh here? I don't think so. She will be lucky if her dad (POS) flips her MAYBE $50.00. That is a BIG maybe. Had I been invited, she would have received a very generous gift-whether I attended or not. I am gonna blow my own horn here and tell you that I can be a very generous person and she knows this. BUT, for someone who chooses to invite a person who will probably spend more time at the bar then at the reception-I don't fucking think so. Sure I am hurt, but I keep going over this in my head and I don't think it is appropriate to have to send a thoughtful, generous gift if you were not officially invited. I have a gift for the baby to give her when she gets here. It is a beautiful painting by Kim at Small Words (check her out-her work is amazing). Here is a pic of it below. Thanks again Kim, I love it!
I hook them up at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. I RARELY get a thank you for any of it. I chalked it up to all the crap I did to her when I was a mean ass drunk. All words, really mean-awful stuff. I have made amends. I have cleaned my side of the road and have kept it clean since.
So we all know that drunks and addicts are the experts on etiquette. What the hell should I do? If I do not send a gift-it will look like I am pissed because I didn't get invited. That is partly true. But I barely have a relationship with these people anymore other than dropping my son off to visit her whenever she is in town. Tell me - What would YOU do?
11 comments:
I wouldn't send a gift, nor would I feel guilty about it. Neither should you!!
Personally, I would--
buy one nice gift and put you and your son's name on it.
I would just get something little but nice. Are they registered any place? OR what I do is wait until after the wedding and ask what they NEED. One time I filled a trash can full of cleaning supplies because that is what they NEEDED.
Kelli
Buy her a Family Bible. From you and your son. It is the right thing to do. And from the sounds of things, she probably needs one, and doesn't sound like anyone on THAT OTHER side of the family would get her one.
You did ask for opinions, right?
If you are not invited you are not obligated to buy a gift. PERIOD. Common sense. And that would be a guilt free decision baby cakes. Her father is obligated. Send the boy with a card end of story. Love you.
I like Lou's idea, give them a nice gift from you AND your son. they'll know you pretty much did the work of picking it out and sending it.
I want to say I understand why you feel that way about a gift. Then I think of who we are as individuals living day by day, surviving our alcoholism, carving our own paths.
Having said that, I have to ask what does your heart truly say and want to do? I've always done well by my daughter even knowing it might not be appreciated. The reason, it reflects on me as a person. I would like to think I'm above the petty games that come with you like them better than me. Not that your doing that. It's what happens when a child is trying to favor one parent over another after divorce.
In the end dear friend, as I said it's really whatever lies in your heart that answers the question of what to do. Example has always spoken louder than words. (Hugs)Indigo
I'd probably do something similar to Lou's suggestion, or just a small gift. True that not obligated if not invited, but it's nice to go above and beyond sometimes, I think.
Your choice is perfect !
I think your answer lies in the fact that you're wrestling with the issue.
Get them a pedi-egg or a picture of those dogs playing poker. Anything. Otherwise, it sounds like you're going to feel crappy about it later.
I would go with what my gut tells me is the right thing to do. For me, that would mean a gift--not a big one but a tasteful gift from the two of you. Just my thoughts..
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