The Blame Game

One of you should buy me this shirt, cause I am one POWERFUL bitch.

Howdy y'all. Happy Sunday you buncha drunks. I have had an interesting day. "Oh, do share it with us Denise"- I think I heard someone out there shout. I went to work, like a good girl do. I work every Sunday (double time kids) since I am a responsible single mommy. Its what I do, even in my active days. I was usually a pretty high functioning alkie, not that I am bragging. I did however manage to keep my job despite all of the shit going on in my life over the years. I thank God for this every day. So anyway, I'm workin away and a co worker comes in an tells me my baby daddy just walked by. I thank her for the warning and get back to work. Well about 10 minutes later she pops her head back in and tells me he is out there asking for me. EEK. I really don't want to go out there, he creeps me out. He really does. Let me give you an example. The last time I actually SPOKE to this person, he called my cell and I hesitated but eventually answered it. He started to ask how was everything yada yada and next thing I know he says "Has anyone called you a cunt today?" OH YES HE DID. I kid you not, I was at a loss for words, he took me by surprise and I started to say something and I realized he wasn't there anymore, he had hung up. Now this is on a Sunday afternoon and he had NOTHING better to do than to call me and fuck with me like that. Sick I tell ya, SICK. So after that phone call I was definitely creeped out and I finished my workday up rather quickly and headed home, looking for him all the way home. It was probably just what he wanted - me to be scared and I was. How many times do we read about, or see on the news some crackpot killing an ex, their family, etc. That's all I could think was hes gonna get me one of these days.

About a week ago my son asked me when fathers day was. I told him and then I asked him why he wanted to know and he told me he misses his dad. He's only 13 and this POS (piece of shit) IS his father. My son doesn't really know how harmful he is/was to the both of us, I figure in time he will come to his own conclusion on why daddy dearest wasn't around all this time. We don't really speak of him, only that he is actively drinking and when he is in that state, he is not welcome around. So I -being the dumb ass that I am-left a note on his door (at least I think it is his door, last I knew) saying call me when you get a minute. I left it on the back of a business type card that has my name and number on it and a few AA sayings and slogans. Well I guess he got it cause here he was at my job today.

So I grab my cigs and cell and go outside with him to see whats up. I told him why I left the card/note and not only did he LAUGH at my card, he didn't blink an eye when I told him his son missed him. Hence, the handy dandy nickname I have for him-- POS. He did not ask how he is, how is school, NOTHING. He proceeded to tell me that he got "laid off" from his job. GREAAAAAT! This is nothing new, this happens to him quite frequently. I asked if he got laid off or fired. He says laid off and they're screwing him lalalalalala. Same old story every time he loses a job. So there goes my son's health insurance. Whatever, we are getting kind of used to that. Even the pharmacist comments when it actually goes through, "yep, he's still working-the insurance went through". Pathetic. So I can tell that he wants to say or tell me something. There is something he is dying to say, I can tell-I know this person all to well. So I ask him whats wrong and he got all choked up-tears and everything-and told me---------------------"You have RUINED MY LIFE" boo fucking hoo hoo hoo. Are you SHITTING ME????? I know I AM the Queen and all, but I had no idea of the POWER he thinks I have! I have the power to single handedly ruin a life, SWEET. He tells me "You called the police too many times and I just got turned down for a job because I have too many domestic violence charges against me." BOO FUCKING HOO . Did I force you to punch me in the face so many times? Did I force you to choke the shit outta me right after my mother died, so hard that I couldn't speak for a week? Did I force you to beat a relative of mine when he was too drunk to defend himself-almost killing him in the process? Did I force you to beat me in front of our young son, so he could carry the guilt around for YEARS that he thought it was HIS FAULT that his mom got hurt by his dad? Fuck you buddy, and your mother too. Nah not his mom, she only incubated and birthed the spawn of the devil himself.

I was kinda proud of how I handled it when I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of reaching through and ripping out his uncaring heart out via his throat like I wanted to.

He is blaming good old me for all of the wreckage he has left in his wake. It is what we alcoholics do, especially the active ones-we find blame in others. We never look at ourselves as a cause of any problem. I KNOW this because I have been where he is and I have found recovery, and that's what you all taught me. I know that without any kind of recovery in his future, that I will be the cause of every negative thing that ever happens in his pathetic life. I will pray for him and all the rest of the sick and suffering alcoholics out there. There is nothing more I can do.

Now where's my fucking t-shirt, hmmmm?