Here I sit 5am not able to sleep, so I clicked on blogger after playing so many facebook games I can't see straight.  It's been too long since I last posted(Aug 2011!).  Where oh where shall I start to catch you all up?

On my last post I indicated there was a serious problem with my dear Prince.  Well 2 inpatient hospital stays, a few outpatient programs and add a midyear change in high schools for my sweet boy and he isn't really doing too much better than he was in August.  In case you need to be reminded he has been diagnosed with MDD (major depression disorder)  MAJOR.  All he wants to do is die.  He has not ATTEMPTED to take his own life.  Thank you GOD.  But he is still in that awful dark place that we can't seem to reach with medication.  He has been on some sort of med or another since around the 3rd or fourth grade (he is now 16 and in the 11th grade).  At our last med appt. I told the doctor I want to see what the person under all that fucking medication is like.  MAYBE he is going to be ok without ANY medication.  What a concept, huh?  So he is being weaned off of one med at a time and we will see how that goes.  So far so good.  He is old enough and aware of how the medication is supposed to work, so he has promised mom that he will let me know of any issues. 

Having a child as sick as he is, has had its toll on your Queen.  Just a few weeks ago, I too had to go to the doc and tell her how miserable I was feeling.  She put me on Abilify and oh my fricken GOD what a diference.  I know my limits and I know damn well I must have MY happy pills as I call them.  It's actually just an antidepressant and now the Abilify.  I went from isolation and oversleeping and getting suspended at my job to ants in my damn pants in about a week and a half.  HOLY SHIT.  Not to worry, this is a good thing.  I have cleaned up the house, started my spring gardening and been up and off to work on time ever since it kicked in.  I love my Abilify! 

There has been lots of other stuff going on but I need to get my boy up for school, so I will try to post more often and catch you people up.  Cause I know you've all been holding your breath since you last heard from Queenie.  (Oh, most importantly I have remained SOBER)

So please DO comment, and let me know you're still out there----HELLLOOOOO-where y'all at?  And wish me a Happy Birthday while you're at it. 

Queen.........OUT

WE WILL be ok

Here I sit, first thing on a damn Sunday morning-first one in AGES that I have not had to work and I am AWAKE. What the hell! I took a few mental health days, MUCH needed ones indeed.

I was planning on taking a small trip. We haven't really been anywhere since I went and bought my home last year. It was time to get away. BUT, it was not to be. You see I have a beautiful 15 year old son who informed me that he didn't want to go. "Just leave me 200 bucks, and I'll eat out every night." Ya, mama doesn't think so.

My son is suffering. He is so severly depressed, like I have never seen him before. The last few weeks have been hell. He is posting suicidal thoughts on his Facebook account. He tells me every day that he wants to kill himself. I told his therapist all of this and they came this close >.< to hospitalizing him.

He has been depressed for years. Doesn't help that he is basically screaming out for help on his facebook page and no one on his bio dads (POS) side is being the least bit supportive. As in NO RESPONSE from them at all. No phone calls, nothing. I think that is what he wants. No, I KNOW thats what he wants. His father ignores his mental illness, his sister (POS's Daughter) does too. He loves these people (yea, I don't get it either) and they just simply do not care.

All I can do is support him, love him and pray to God that he gets some relief from this GODDAMMED depression soon.

Oh and I am still sober, otherwise how would I be able to care for my baby? That might just be the biggest gift of my sobriety-the ability to be a real mom who is present for my boy.

QUEEN..........OUT

I have missed you all

Well, well, well....I see you have all been able to go on just fine without yer Queen for a few months. I though for SURE that everything would come to a screeching halt since I haven't been around! HA, I kid of course. Nothing is all about me anymore. Hasn't been for quite some time now.

So I will have to look around later and see what your all up to, hopefully its NOT no good!

I have been settling in nicely in my new castle. I actually LOVE coming home now! I used to dread it, loathe it. Now I look forward to coming home and dreaming of what I want and need to do to this house to make it my own, truly mine. I have lots of ideas, but I am going to take it one day at a time-just like my recovery. This is one of the many gifts I have received since beginning my journey in recovery. I am blessed, blessed BLESSED!!!

I will try to check in more often, I missed each and every one of you!

QUEEN........OUT

THRILLED is putting it mildly

I have had quite a busy 2 months. I didn't even get a chance to check in with any of you except a peek here and there. I miss you and hope to catch up real soon. I have a good excuse, I was busy BUYING MY FIRST HOME!!! YAY!! Hence the title. I am extremely thrilled to have been blessed with this beautiful home. Even more thrilling is that Prince absolutely LOVES HIS NEW HOME!!! Now if you have been reading me you know my son suffers from depression and BP disorder and he does not like ANYTHING. I overheard him say to his uncle that he LOVES it when asked how he likes it here. OMG, that alone makes it all so much more special. I think this is a good step in helping him through his difficulties. He despised our last house as it was kind of a DUMP with a SLUMLORD that we didn't care for. I think the memories of the battles he witnessed between myself and his father made him hate it even more. I left that house for the last time today and let me tell you it was a relief to pull out of that driveway for the VERY LAST TIME.

I closed and we moved in this past Friday, which was also the 13th anniversary of my mothers passing. I looked at that as a good omen, as if my mom was shining down on me and letting me know she was there and was proud of my accomplishments. I truly do feel that. Its WEIRD that every aspect of buying this home and everything since has been PERFECT. Not a single glitch. No broken furniture, no parting bad words from the SLUMLORD (he wished me luck in my new home!). By the time the ink was dry on the contract, my sister and sister in law had ALL OF MY STUFF moved in! As in truck was EMPTY and my sun porch and living room were setup and most boxes unpacked(those girls were PHENOMENAL!) I had two women and 2 teenagers move my whole house and it worked out perfectly. It has just been one good thing after another and I AM NOT USED TO THAT!! Where, oh where, has my SHIT FAIRY gone? I certainly don't miss that bitch.

QUEEN.......OUT

Greg-sweet Greg

This handsome young man is my cousin Greg. He was heinously taken from this world and his family almost four years age by a person so small and insignificant that I won't even mention his name here. The trial for taking Greg and his step brother Derek begins today. Please pray for Greg and Derek's families-that the outcome of the trial will be just punishment for this most unnecessary crime and that the families of both of these young men can begin to heal.

With that, I'm off to court to support my family during this diffucult time.

Thanks in advance for your prayers.

QUEEN...........OUT

Soon I will have my very own castle

Happy Easter folks!! It's been over a month since I had a chance to post last and I have missed youse guys! I'm still a sober Queen, loving every minute of every day lately.

I must say if I check in and see ANOTHER one of you bloggers closing up shop I am gonna hafta slap a bitch. Knock it off, and I mean now! YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Yes YOU. and YOU and YOU.

I have been spending all of my spare time lately online, hunting for a home. I am like a madwoman. I will find the house of my dreams, in fact I may have found it already. Just waiting to hear from my real estate guy.

I have never owned a home. I have always been self-sufficient, kept up on my bills (MOST of the time!) and just could never get out of debt. Even during my drinken days, I still managed to pay bills-but could never get ahead enough to actually buy anything. I was scared to take that big step. I was also stuck with a POS all those years and never wanted him in my home. So I have recently found myself in a good position financially to be able to finally move outta the GHETTO house I have been renting for about 12 years. I have worked very hard to get to this point and I am so very grateful for AA and the support and love of my sober friends. I guess it's true-"they will materialize, if we work for them." I LOVE THAT! Here are the Twelve Promises of AA. A whole bunch of them have materialized for me-because I WORKED FOR THEM!~Enjoy~

I'm feeling so grateful

Today I am so grateful for

• a loving God who helped me stay away from that first drink today.
• a great home group! I LOVE my recovering friends so.
• a new contract at work guarantees me another three years with a great job/great benefits etc. Thank God!
• a capable vehicle which I used to pick up two of my drunks to go to tonights meeting.
• the ability to be able to help others.
• the laughter and the sorrow shared at our meeting tonight.
• the reminder that its not all peaches and cream in recovery.
• ALL of YOU.

SWEET DREAMS to you all......QUEEN OUT