Queens World

WE WILL be ok

2011-08-21T08:22:00.000-04:00

Here I sit, first thing on a damn Sunday morning-first one in AGES that I have not had to work and I am AWAKE. What the hell! I took a few mental health days, MUCH needed ones indeed.

I was planning on taking a small trip. We haven't really been anywhere since I went and bought my home last year. It was time to get away. BUT, it was not to be. You see I have a beautiful 15 year old son who informed me that he didn't want to go. "Just leave me 200 bucks, and I'll eat out every night." Ya, mama doesn't think so.

My son is suffering. He is so severly depressed, like I have never seen him before. The last few weeks have been hell. He is posting suicidal thoughts on his Facebook account. He tells me every day that he wants to kill himself. I told his therapist all of this and they came this close >.< to hospitalizing him.

He has been depressed for years. Doesn't help that he is basically screaming out for help on his facebook page and no one on his bio dads (POS) side is being the least bit supportive. As in NO RESPONSE from them at all. No phone calls, nothing. I think that is what he wants. No, I KNOW thats what he wants. His father ignores his mental illness, his sister (POS's Daughter) does too. He loves these people (yea, I don't get it either) and they just simply do not care.

All I can do is support him, love him and pray to God that he gets some relief from this GODDAMMED depression soon.

Oh and I am still sober, otherwise how would I be able to care for my baby? That might just be the biggest gift of my sobriety-the ability to be a real mom who is present for my boy.

QUEEN..........OUT

I have missed you all

2010-09-22T00:31:00.002-04:00

Well, well, well....I see you have all been able to go on just fine without yer Queen for a few months. I though for SURE that everything would come to a screeching halt since I haven't been around! HA, I kid of course. Nothing is all about me anymore. Hasn't been for quite some time now.

So I will have to look around later and see what your all up to, hopefully its NOT no good!

I have been settling in nicely in my new castle. I actually LOVE coming home now! I used to dread it, loathe it. Now I look forward to coming home and dreaming of what I want and need to do to this house to make it my own, truly mine. I have lots of ideas, but I am going to take it one day at a time-just like my recovery. This is one of the many gifts I have received since beginning my journey in recovery. I am blessed, blessed BLESSED!!!

I will try to check in more often, I missed each and every one of you!

QUEEN........OUT

THRILLED is putting it mildly

2010-06-02T21:20:00.003-04:00

I have had quite a busy 2 months. I didn't even get a chance to check in with any of you except a peek here and there. I miss you and hope to catch up real soon. I have a good excuse, I was busy BUYING MY FIRST HOME!!! YAY!! Hence the title. I am extremely thrilled to have been blessed with this beautiful home. Even more thrilling is that Prince absolutely LOVES HIS NEW HOME!!! Now if you have been reading me you know my son suffers from depression and BP disorder and he does not like ANYTHING. I overheard him say to his uncle that he LOVES it when asked how he likes it here. OMG, that alone makes it all so much more special. I think this is a good step in helping him through his difficulties. He despised our last house as it was kind of a DUMP with a SLUMLORD that we didn't care for. I think the memories of the battles he witnessed between myself and his father made him hate it even more. I left that house for the last time today and let me tell you it was a relief to pull out of that driveway for the VERY LAST TIME.

I closed and we moved in this past Friday, which was also the 13th anniversary of my mothers passing. I looked at that as a good omen, as if my mom was shining down on me and letting me know she was there and was proud of my accomplishments. I truly do feel that. Its WEIRD that every aspect of buying this home and everything since has been PERFECT. Not a single glitch. No broken furniture, no parting bad words from the SLUMLORD (he wished me luck in my new home!). By the time the ink was dry on the contract, my sister and sister in law had ALL OF MY STUFF moved in! As in truck was EMPTY and my sun porch and living room were setup and most boxes unpacked(those girls were PHENOMENAL!) I had two women and 2 teenagers move my whole house and it worked out perfectly. It has just been one good thing after another and I AM NOT USED TO THAT!! Where, oh where, has my SHIT FAIRY gone? I certainly don't miss that bitch.

QUEEN.......OUT

Greg-sweet Greg

2010-04-06T08:24:00.005-04:00

This handsome young man is my cousin Greg. He was heinously taken from this world and his family almost four years age by a person so small and insignificant that I won't even mention his name here. The trial for taking Greg and his step brother Derek begins today. Please pray for Greg and Derek's families-that the outcome of the trial will be just punishment for this most unnecessary crime and that the families of both of these young men can begin to heal.

With that, I'm off to court to support my family during this diffucult time.

Thanks in advance for your prayers.

QUEEN...........OUT

Soon I will have my very own castle

2010-04-04T23:04:00.009-04:00

Happy Easter folks!! It's been over a month since I had a chance to post last and I have missed youse guys! I'm still a sober Queen, loving every minute of every day lately.

I must say if I check in and see ANOTHER one of you bloggers closing up shop I am gonna hafta slap a bitch. Knock it off, and I mean now! YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Yes YOU. and YOU and YOU.

I have been spending all of my spare time lately online, hunting for a home. I am like a madwoman. I will find the house of my dreams, in fact I may have found it already. Just waiting to hear from my real estate guy.

I have never owned a home. I have always been self-sufficient, kept up on my bills (MOST of the time!) and just could never get out of debt. Even during my drinken days, I still managed to pay bills-but could never get ahead enough to actually buy anything. I was scared to take that big step. I was also stuck with a POS all those years and never wanted him in my home. So I have recently found myself in a good position financially to be able to finally move outta the GHETTO house I have been renting for about 12 years. I have worked very hard to get to this point and I am so very grateful for AA and the support and love of my sober friends. I guess it's true-"they will materialize, if we work for them." I LOVE THAT! Here are the Twelve Promises of AA. A whole bunch of them have materialized for me-because I WORKED FOR THEM!~Enjoy~

I'm feeling so grateful

2010-03-09T22:15:00.003-05:00

Today I am so grateful for

a loving God who helped me stay away from that first drink today.
a great home group! I LOVE my recovering friends so.
a new contract at work guarantees me another three years with a great job/great benefits etc. Thank God!
a capable vehicle which I used to pick up two of my drunks to go to tonights meeting.
the ability to be able to help others.
the laughter and the sorrow shared at our meeting tonight.
the reminder that its not all peaches and cream in recovery.
ALL of YOU.

SWEET DREAMS to you all......QUEEN OUT

It's been too long

2010-03-02T22:40:00.003-05:00

So I have been away from blogging for about a month, the longest I have been away since I started. I haven't even been reading blogs really. I feel terrible about this and promise to do better.
I just got off the phone with my niece. She has been calling and texting me relentlessly for about a week and I have pretty much ignored her. Why? Cause she's a pain in my ass. Two years ago she angrily told me she didn't want anything to do with me, along with a lot of other hurtful things and I have kept my distance. I have stayed away, just like she asked. Now she's blowing up my phone. What the hell. When I called her tonight she reluctantly told me that she has been addicted to the pain meds she was getting from the car accident she was in just before she disowned me. OY. She has been off of them for 4 days now and she just wanted to talk to someone who would understand. I told her to keep doing whatever it is she's doing and to pray A LOT. I told her I would get her started on meetings. I told her I loved her and would help her. She has an appointment with a mental health clinic tomorrow and I advised her to be HONEST with them. Her mother, my sister, died from a methadone overdose in 2000. Anyone who doesn't believe that this is a family disease is full of shit.
In other news-My son is doing FABULOUS in school and at home. I am so proud of him and all he has overcome. But I can't tell him that because he doesn't think he is doing as well as he is. The self-esteem (or lack of) is still a huge issue, but little by slow he is getting better. We take that one day at a time also.
Sister is no longer living here with us. She just stopped coming here. After a few days I assumed she was staying at her house. That was about a month ago. I guess shes not coming back. She has not come to visit, nor has she moved her things out of my house. Nor have we talked about why she left. She has told me she missed her son and had to go home. That's all I know about that. I know when I was in her shoes I felt like CRAP having to let POS back into my life more than once. I was actually ASHAMED of myself, but I had to do it at the time to get my son off to school at the time. When Prince was finally old enough I kicked that trash out for good and got sober. So we'll see what the next chapter brings in her life. I wish nothing but the best for her.
So I picked up a few more commitments in my meetings. I am treasurer of one, secretary of another and I am leading one also. I need to keep busy and involved.
I am going to try to catch up on what y'all have been up to now. Have a blessed night people. QUEEN.......OUT

RANT......

2010-02-07T18:34:00.005-05:00

Happy Superbowl Sunday!!

I am getting ready to go to a meeting and the Superbowl just began. This means I have to leave my boy to watch the game on his own. And it kinda sucks. Why you say? Because he has many male relatives, never mind a POS father who are watching the game with other family and friends and no one thought to include him in their plans. Sometimes people - including (or ESPECIALLY) family just SUCK BIG DONKEY DICK.

My brothers (Princes UNCLES) all get together every year and there are NO CHILDREN allowed. To this I say GROW THE FUCK UP you buncha losers. My son and my nephew are both 14 now and it's not like they gotta get up from the game and change a fucking diaper or feed them for fuck sake.

His POS father is another story. I don't really want Prince over there anyway, but if he could somehow get over himself and think about this kid every now and then - oh yea-I forgot-that's NEVER going to happen. What the hell was I thinkin? I DID speak to the POS the other day and he needs heart surgery. Courtesy of the taxpayers of the State of Connecticut since he is still sucking off the state for unemployment and medical insurance. I still have to obtain his meds from CANADA because POS made sure he had HIMSELF covered-but now Prince. Ok, I'm done now. Can you tell I NEED A MEETING?

Sorry, but I just do not take kindly to ANYONE dissing my child.

QUEEN.......OUT

The Payoff

2010-01-29T19:52:00.003-05:00

I'm finally starting to see all of my hard work and sleepless nights are paying off. I just went into my son's room to remind him to take his meds tonight and what happened next is what I'm talking about. He said "OK Mom" and as I went to close the door he called out to me. I opened the door as he was turning off the video game and he said "I love you". I said "I love you too buddy, is everything OK?" to which he replied "I don't think I tell you enough, and you know-you're not gonna be around forever!" HOW SWEET IS THAT???? O, My GOD! I love that boy with my whole heart and try to raise him to be a kind, loving, compassionate, and productive person and I think he gets it.

I just had to share this tender moment between my son and I with you. He just made this mommas day!!! God is good, and sobriety ROCKS my friends!

Catching up Time

2010-01-12T22:16:00.005-05:00

Here's the low down on the Queen:

I'm still sober as a newborn baby. YAY.

I temporarily fell into a sort of funk for the last few weeks, but I am slowly digging myself out.

I did not have to drink over it. Double YAY.

It's so damn cold here and it's dark at like 5pm. I am sooooo done with winter this year. The snow needs to go the fuck away too.

I even started to slack off on my meetings, and all I could think of was how everyone who was lucky enough to make it back from a relapse say that it all started when the STOPPED going to meetings.

That was enough to scare me into gettin off my dead ass and going again.

I'm so glad I went to a meeting tonight. There was a newcomer there with barely one day of sobriety. She was shakin and quakin and it just reminds me of where I was and why I need to be there. It's not ALL about me, its about helping other sick and suffering drunks.

I picked up a treasurers commitment at one of my meetings. I have never held this position and I think its going to be good. Hell I manage a whole store's funds, AA can't be too bad.....or CAN it!?!?

I haven't been motivated enough to take my damn tree down yet. Maybe I will leave it up and decorate it according to the holiday du mois. Like this month I can decorate it with presidents, next month hearts for Valentines. ETC.

OK, whats up with the Japanese comments? I googled and translated what that assbag is commenting and it isn't pretty.

Hey at least he/she/it is reading recovery blogs. Maybe something good will rub off.

I appreciate some of you calling me out and asking where the hell I've been. All is good. I swear. I love you guys, I really do.

Well I need to go get my read on and catch up with y'all. Have yourselves a grand old evening-I know I will. QUEEN.....OUT

I'm Tellin'

2009-12-24T21:47:00.004-05:00

On myself that is. I am feeling down in the dumps. I am NOT feeling like drinking, but I am on the verge of tears. This is a common occurrence around Christmas. I know I will get over it. But it still sucks big donkey dick. I lost my dad on December 19th in 1991 and I think that's when it began. I miss the hell out of him. Christmas was non-existent for me until Prince was born in 1997. Now I do it because I HAVE to for him. I put on a happy mommy face for him, but its not how I feel inside. I need to be up for a bit to set up some gifts and do the stocking and then I am going nitey nite and I hope I have some sweet dreams cause I shore could a good one right about now. THERE, now that I dumped that out into the blogosphere I should be good now, right?

Merry Christmas to all.....Queen.....OUT

Ho Ho Ho we got a LOT of Snow~~~

2009-12-21T10:32:00.007-05:00

This is the joy on my son's face that I know is in there somewhere. It emerged when he and his cousin (my son from anutha mutha) buried him in the foot and a half of snow we got over the weekend. Oh how I wish I could see this more often.

They had LOTS of fun in the blizzard, so much so that they *forgot* that I had asked them to shovel my very long driveway while I was at work. Bastids. I said thats OK boys, now the UPS guy will look at our driveway and keep on moving. They will not want to, nor do they have to-navigate my unshoveled driveway to deliver THEIR final Christmas gifts. Save me some money.

I have been working, shopping, facebooking, and oh did I mention shopping? I think I bought myself more than anyone else. I got an electric blankie to keep me warm and some memory foam pillows to cuddle up with that will have to suffice since Queenie is still solo and see no change in that situation any time soon. I am SOOOO OK with that. I love being on my own. No one to answer to, no bullshit. AH, this is the life! And I am sober as a newborn baby-what more can a girl ask for?

Y'all have a nice day! QUEEN......OUT

The Promises and SHOPPING!

2009-12-04T04:00:00.006-05:00

Your Queen has a problem. Well maybe its not exactly a PROBLEM. You decide. This is what my kitchen table currently looks like.

Yes folks, there IS indeed a table under all of those boxes. It's a mini version of the Amazon.com warehouse. This is what you get when you take the bottle away from THIS alcoholic and give her a credit card. And this is not all of it. Some stuff is back ordered, damn them. I'm shopping like it's my JOB. Well it kind of is this week as I am on vacation. Me and the sis are going out to do some REAL shopping in the morning. As in going to the ACTUAL store and dealing with ACTUAL people. Should be a hoot.

As if this wasn't enough-I hit up Verizon yesterday and got me and the kid Blackberry's. I'm on fire I say, on FIRE! I now know why Paris the douche bag Hilton never leaves home without it. What FUN!

You see now that I'm not all boozed up all the damn time and I actually GO TO WORK everyday, I have a few bucks to spare. It's one of those Promises that AA is always telling us about. Here they are for those of you who may not know about them:

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

ARE THESE EXTRAVAGANT PROMISES? We think NOT.

They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83-84

Side note: I just typed out those promises-which is not a big deal-BUT why the hell can't I copy and paste in blogger anymore? ANYONE?

So anyhow---A bunch of these are definately ringing true in Queens life lately and it's just amazing. AMAZING.

Queen....OUT....(Shopping)

Update/This and That~

2009-12-01T07:30:00.005-05:00

I haven't been around here too much. I have been thinking about you all and will catch up on your blogs today as I am on VACATION from work. YAY.

Sister is still here, she will be here until whenever. She is welcome to stay forever. She is doing OK despite the fact that she is being labeled the "bad guy" in her children's eyes for "leaving their dad". Yeah, OK.?! They just don't understand the reason(s) why she HAD to leave their daddy. I try to talk to them if they bring it up and they are stuck on "Daddy this, and daddy is that" and that's OK for now. She is safe and someday they will understand.

Prince is doing really well in school. The first report cards should be here this week and I shall see how well he is really doing. He gets up in the morning with no hassles, gets off to school EVERY DAY-without begging to stay home. I get no phone call or emails complaining about his behavior. He does his homework when I ask him. This is a 180 turn from last year and I am damned proud of him. He starts his culinary shop today for the next 4 days. YES culinary. He picked culinary, auto body and IT as his 3 shops that he wants to explore before picking a trade that he will study for the next 4 years. Damn proud I am.

Thanksgiving went well. I cooked my royal ass off and it turned out great. My momma taught me well. It was family and friends here, with no alcohol and no brawls. Imagine that.

Uncle Drunkle showed up on Turkey Day. He was sober as a newborn baby. And has been since his accident and hospitalization. I think God gave that ladder a "nudge" and brought him back to us.

My cousin Glen is finally awake! He is still critical but is awake and has been hospitalized with H1N1 since the beginning of November! He missed his 40Th birthday and Thanksgiving while in his swine flu coma. I truly thank you all for your prayers and kind words during this most difficult time. The prayers are working. God is so good.

I have been a shopping fool. FOOL I SAY! I ended up staying home on Black Friday. Missed my opportunity to make an ass of myself and beat up a bitch for a Zhu Zhu pet at my local Toys R Us. Oh YEA. That's the OLD Queen. See how easy it is to revert back to my craziness. At least I can see that now. I did do a LOT of online BF shopping though. I will be getting packages all week.

I need to clean this dump up so I can put up a damn tree and get through this "holiday" season. I pretty much do it for Prince. If not for him I would SOOOOO not bother with all that BS.

So yea, that's it for now. I need to get my ass to the bank before my Holiday/BF purchases bounce all the way back to the retailers who thought I actually had that kind of money to blow.

Oh-and I did all of this SOBER! QUEEN.........OUT

Why I "Keep Coming"

2009-11-18T17:07:00.006-05:00

Hello friends and cyber family-

I just got off the phone with a young woman from my home group. She was absent from our meeting last night. She relapsed and her boyfriend asked me at the meeting last night to please call her.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I *DISLIKE* THIS DISEASE?

To back up a bit, I celebrated 4 years of continuous sobriety yesterday. I went to my regular *best damn meeting in Connecticut* meeting last night. We do a medallion ceremony every week and they did a very special one for me. I was truly touched. But before they got to me they gave out newcomer, 1-2-3-6-9 month, and 1 year chips. There were three female newcomers that got up and got chips. I love it when I see the newbies coming in, but especially the ladies. Ladies that I can reach my hand out to and offer them help. The same help that was offered to me when I came in shakin and quakin, spittin and sputtering. If not for those people, I would not have stuck around and I certainly wouldn't be celebrating anything today. I'd be drunk or dead. Fo Sho!

I went out at break time and this is when my friend approached me about calling his GF who was supposed to give me my chip last night! She was home drinking and trying to leave her home to get more booze. My heart sank. NOOOO!! He took her car to the meeting so she could not drive. He's a great guy with 14 years sober, but even he cannot keep her from a drink. If you are a drunk and you're not ready to stop-there's not much anyone can really do for you. It's all about acceptance and surrender and until I miraculously found it one day four years ago, I could not stop either.

So anyway I called her and she is hitting a meeting that meets 2 doors down from my castle and I will meet her there tonight. She is embarrassed, remorseful, and full of guilt. She wants to jump right back in and I will be there for her. I let her know she was missed last night and that she is loved. I reminded her of what could happen. I asked her if she remembers Jen, our fellow newbie and now dead member. She was my first official sponsee and as hard as I tried to help her, she succumbed to this disease-34 days after we met. Thirty four days after she returned to AA. You can read about her here, here and here. <------ I am feeling all linky as you can see. But I need to remember my time with her and know that this can easily be ME if I choose to drink again. I still believe that my Higher Power brought Jen to me so I could love her for the last few weeks of her life. So she could have a friend to hold her hand while she suffered, to let her know there WAS hope. But it was not to be and she was called home. To that big meeting in heaven I like to think. Even though it turned out for the worst I am so glad I was able to be there for Jen while God was deciding her fate. *I hope to hell there is not booze in heaven. If there is I'm hoping they save a seat for me at that big meeting in the sky.*

So to make a point here, sure there may be days where I don't FEEL like doing to a meeting for whatever lame reason. I don't know who is going to be at the meeting, and maybe I can be of service. There may be someone who needs help and who the hell am I to plop my fat ass in front of my computer or TV and only think about ME. There will ALWAYS be someone at a meeting who needs a hug or some words of encouragement, or maybe they need a big swift kick in the ass. Maybe it's ME who needs this stuff. It can't be given away if I'm not there. THAT my friends is why I "Keep Going". So I am off to a meeting people. If I want to stay sober I have to give back, its as simple as that. Love to you all and stay sober for me tonight, would ya? EXCEPTION-SB, I know you will have a glass of wine to celebrate my sobriety. Cause you're one cool bitch like that! QUEEN......OUT

Birthdays!

2009-11-17T15:18:00.003-05:00

Many thanks for all of your kind words and prayers for my cousin Glen. All of the prayers are working as he is getting better a little bit every day. Anything is better than the way he was doing when he first got hospitalized. I feared we were going to lose him, but now I can see definate hope. The power of prayer is amazing.

Today is Prince's 14th birthday! He is growing and maturing quite nicely. He is angry less often these days. Right now he is outside with POS, yes Good Old DADDY. POS actually remembered his birthday this year and brought him a pretty decent gift. He is supposedly not drinking but has no plan, no program. As long as he does right by my son, I don't care what he's got going on.

Today is also MY birthday, my AA birthday! My 4th. Some also call it an anniversary. I will celebrate with my home group at tonights meeting. My anniversary fell smack dab on the same night as my home group meeting, I'll not be waiting for my 4 year chip this year. I will get it today, four years to the day that I surrendered. Four years from the day I decided to accept the fact that I was an alcoholic and to actually do the work it takes to get and stay sober. I thank God each and every day for the gift of another sober day. It has been absolutely amazing and it has been awesome sharing my trials and tribulations with you all here on blogger. When you meet people in meetings you can usually identify with other alkies. I think its kinda neat that we can do the same here in blogger land. I think its so cool how we connect through our common bond of alcoholism/addiction even though most of us have never met on another. Just amazing.
QUEEN.......OUT

H1N1 hits in Queens family

2009-11-13T00:26:00.003-05:00

Yup, I am here to tell you that H1N1 has reared its ugly head in my family. A very young cousin (39) of mine is critically ill right now. Fighting like mad for his life. He became ill late last week and went to the hospital with a fever of 105 on Saturday. They admitted him and put him in intensive care. They tested him and it came back positive for H1N1. He was put on a slew of antibiotics and they still could not get him stable. His kidneys were shutting down. His fever would not come down. As soon as he was stable enough, they flew him to Yale New Haven Hospital and he is now on dialysis and is still critical but is showing teeny signs of getting slightly better.

This man has a great life and a wonderful family. He has three children and a beautiful wife. He IS fighting. He is a strong man. He's got to make it. He just DOES. His family needs him. Please pray for my cousin Glen.

Please my beloved blogger buddies, take the precautions that the officials recommend. Hand washing is a MUST. Hell I wipe down my work area-phones, counters, keyboards-EVERYTHING. Everyday. Before Glen even got sick. This is a SERIOUS virus. Keep yourself and your family safe by doing those simple recommendations that you have been reading about. It could be you or your family in that bed tonight. This virus does not discriminate. Take care friends.....Queen....OUT

Gratitude

2009-11-08T00:13:00.004-05:00

Its been too long since I put my fingers to the keyboard and let y'all know how blessed I am~

I am so grateful that I am no longer in an abusive, alcoholic relationship. I see and hear things around me all the time truly feel for the people who are still "stuck" like I was. There is a way out.

I will celebrate another birthday in AA soon, I am so grateful for this most wonderful program and all of those who came before me.

My son's birthday is the same day as my AA birthday and I think that is the coolest shit EVER. We share a birthday.....WOW

I have a true friend in one of POS sisters. She truly understands me and has stood up for me when needed and for that I thank her.

I still have my job, my home,my son, my car, my LIFE. None of which I would have without AA

I have the RESPECT of my peers and my family. again WOW

I have the best home group ever. If you don't feel the same way about yours-get another one.

I get to go to work tomorrow and earn double time.

Blast O Butter popcorn and Java Chip Frappichino Ice cream. yeah.

I get to go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning now. As opposed to passing out and coming to.

No more guilt and shame. Gone, bye, cya. That is the best I tell you.

You all have an awesome weekend. I know I will.....QUEEN.....OUT

OK NOW I got something

2009-11-01T03:02:00.006-05:00

As some of you may know, I have a few of my relatives living here with me. My sister and her 19 year old daughter. I love them both very much and they both had a bad situation where they came from prior to coming here. I have been practically BEGGING my sister to come here for what is seems like forever. She finally arrived a few months ago and her daughter followed soon after.

So you know your Queen doesn't beat around the bush. I am CONCERNED about my sister (who reads my blog BTW). I am an alcoholic and will soon celebrate 4 years of sobriety (God willing). That's not really very long, and I DO remember where I came from and what I went through to get sober. I make damn sure I remember where I was and how I was feeling that day.

Living here with little sister is like watching a movie of my life before I got sober. She is doing the SAME shit I did, its like looking into the past and I don't like what I'm seeing. I am watching her drink to excess, miss work, and slowly crash and burn JUST LIKE I DID. She does not see that this is a problem. I worry she is going to lose her job. Will that be her bottom? It hurts me to see her go through this and it hurts her children. I don't think anyone other than the alcoholic can say they are one, but she sure is drinking and acting alcoholically. I don't want her to leave, she is always welcome here. But I do know she is suffering and I want to help. I am not going to call in the AA popo or anything drastic like that - but something has got to give here.

If you are an alkie like me and you don't think that you are hurting anyone but yourself, you need to think again. It hurts and affects all of your family, loved ones, your coworkers, EVERYONE around you. I know that when you are in the middle of all that chaos you simply DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I think that's where she is at right about now. She blew off work today because "she didn't feel like dealing with those people today." UM. OK. Been there, done that have a work file six inches thick to prove it. I am so done with booze and the impact it has had on my family. Every one of us six children have some form of this disease. My big brother, (you all remember Drunkle Uncle) just got out of the hospital for drinking related issues. I lost a sister to drug use and alcoholism. ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Our children don't deserve to be brought up in a home with all these goddamn drunks. It's a vicious cycle that need to end.

Little sister, I love you more than you could even imagine. We need to talk sista. Somethings gotta give. Because I feel like I am losing you. So do your children. All of them. There IS a way of life without alcohol that is second to none. Let me help you find it.

I got nuthin

2009-10-25T22:53:00.003-04:00

To complain about that is! How nice it feels not to have to come in here or anywhere really, and bitch about something that isn't going MY way. How nice not to have to come to this morning and contemplate whether or not I would be gracing my job with my presence. Oh and then there's the lie I would have to tell them about WHY I wouldn't be going in THIS TIME. "I am having trouble with my eyes, I can't see coming in today" HA HA HA. Yea. That kind of fucked up stuff I no longer need to do. I have AA to thank for my sanity today and every day. What a blessing. I am just a happy Queen today.

I found the perfect gift for my son today. His birthday is in a few weeks and I stumbled upon this here item and snatched that shit right up. It is a ONE POUND Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy bar......Actually it is a package of TWO cups, each 8 ounces. ITS HUMUNGOUS! He is going to love it! SCORE!

Thanks for letting me share...QUEEN.....OUT

Surrender

2009-10-21T07:08:00.004-04:00

Until I fully surrendered, I could NOT stay away from that first drink. I was a sloooow learner and it was not until 13 years after my first rehab in 1992 that I finally put it down. I remember when I came back in 2005, I was still not ENTIRELY ready. I went to meetings regularly, but I was also DRINKING regularly. I do NOT recommend this method to anyone and I try not to mention it around newcomers. Threes nothing like a head full of AA and a belly full of booze. It was agonizing but I persevered and "kept coming" like I always heard and one day it just stuck. Thank you God.

I see people coming in and out of the rooms of AA. Some just go out and never come back. Some are are still out there suffering and some are dead. This is a deadly disease and when I see a fellow AA member out there suffering it not only hurts but it also helps me. It helps me by reminding me of where I will be if I choose to drink again.

I thankfully still have my job and recently I have seen someone from the fellowship (FORMALLY-I suppose) who is ripping us off blind and coming in to return the items for cash. This is someone who asked me to sponsor her and I agreed to do it temporarily. She never called me and the next time I saw her was months later when she came back and got her one year chip. I remember feeling relieved that she was still working her program.

I know her and I feel for her, but I try to intercept the transaction when I see her in the store. I will NOT give her cash. She looks like hell and she doesn't even know who I am. Or maybe she does and just doesn't care. She is back out there and it's incredibly sad.

All I can do is pray for her and others that are out there suffering. They know where to go for help and I hope they make it back safely.

I am grateful for AA and the fellowship. I pray that I will not have to worry about coming back in, but you just never know.

I heard something profound in a meeting last night that I would like to share with you. My friend Peter was sharing and he said "I have never heard of someone going back out there and drinking again that prayed to their Higher Power that morning to keep them from a drink for that day." This man has quite a few 24 hours and I love what he has to say, every time he shares.

You all have a great HUMP day and stay sober with me.....QUEEN....OUT

GROWTH

2009-10-19T18:49:00.002-04:00

I had to buy two space heaters for my house, since my heat is off. It's just a matter of someone coming and getting my furnace going and then we will be all set. I hope it doesn't get TOO cold in the meantime, but I got these heaters. They needed a little bit of assembly and my son did it, and he said to me "I'm getting to be quite the handyman, aren't I?" and I said "Well you kind of need to be and you're doing a good job." Then he said "I wish dad was still here, I wish you two were still together" UGH. And I said what I USUALLY say "I'm sorry Buddy" and HE then said "I guess he just had a different plan than we did." How awful insightful of this 13 year old young man, don't you think? He is absolutely right. He is growing and maturing quite nicely and I am so proud of him. I just wanted to share this with you all. He is still hurting and he can verbalize it to me instead of acting out in anger and that my friends is growth. Thank you GOD.

How Y'all Dewin?

2009-10-18T23:29:00.007-04:00

I am doing pretty good. I have been a bit busy, but that's NO excuse for not keeping up here in blogger land. I have been in reading and commenting here and there but I need to get back to regular blogging. I love it here and it is an important part of my recovery and just like my meetings I can't let it just slip away. We all know what complacency leads too. But I am really doing well. Here is a bullet list for ya~

I went to an awesome meeting tonight. Cold and rainy but shit that NEVER stopped me from going to the damn packy so off I went.

Prince is doing soooo good in school. He is really trying his best. He missed making up a test on Friday after school and he emailed his teacher ON HIS OWN to apologize and reschedule. I didn't even know he knew HOW to do this!! (email)

Sister is fine and so is my sweet little (19 yrs old) niece. Its nice to have people around here for a change. At one point today you would have thought it was Christmas with all the relatives that were here. Cool. Really Cool!

It actually SNOWED here the other night. And my heat does not work. But we just bundled up and turned on a few space heaters and I had my little shit of a dog to snuggle up with and nobody froze to death.

Oh - this one is GOOD. I ran into my FIRST EVER BOYFRIEND in my regular Tuesday night meeting. HA! When I told him who I was he freaked out (in a good way) and he said " I had the BIGGEST crush on you". Ha, well OF COURSE HE DID!

My big brother (Uncle Drunkle) is out of the hospital and I am happy to report that he has not had a drink since he was released! YAY. Don't know if he is going to stick with it, but for now this is definitely a good thing and he feels great.

I am kinda gettin pissed that for some reason I cannot seem to copy and paste from one blog to another. Anyone else having this problem?

The other day I had a button pop off of my jeans. Then, the zipper went on another pair. While I was at WORK. I had to keep hiking up my draws all damn day. It was real attractive. I wish my damn dryer would STOP shrinking all my damn clothes!!! Yea, that's what it must be, THE DRYER. It could NOT be the Blasto-O-Butter popcorn that I consume every freakin day, nope that's not it.

Well you all have a kick ass evening and I will see you soon.....Queen.....OUT

See I knew I was missed

2009-10-08T19:56:00.006-04:00

You love me....You REALLY love me! I knew it! I want to thank Robin at Beans Path for this lovely blog award.

Here's the deal on this prestigious award folks~

The rules are as follows:

Answer the survey below…you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
Alert them that you have given them this award!
Have Fun!
_______________________________________________________
Where is your cell phone?- pocket
Your hair? - "lightening"
Your mother?- hilarious
Your father? – missed
Your favorite food?-all
Your dream last night?-wet
Your favorite drink? icedcoffee
Your dream/goal? – happiness
What room are you in?- living
Your hobby?-facebook (so I'm a LOSER-Whatever)
Your Fear?- Loss
Where do you want to be in 6 years? –alive
Where were you last night? – Home
Something that you aren’t? drunk
Muffins? pastries!
Wish list item? maid
Where did you grow up? southeast
Last thing you did? dishes
What are you wearing? hoodie
Your TV? fabulous
Your pets? outside
Friends? recovery
Your life? content
Your mood? bored
Missing someone? nope
Vehicle? explorer
Something you’re not wearing? pasties
Your favorite store? cvs
Your favorite color? green
When was the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? dunno
One place that I go to over and over? work
One person who emails me regularly? vivvy
Favorite place to eat? any

I'm going to pass this to:

Ann H. at My Magic Nation~because she rocks and has been absent as of late and needs to get her sweet ass back to bloggin.

Farrell at Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost~I pass this on to you dearest Farrell because I can so identify with you and love reading you.

Sarah at Complications of a Perfect Life~I heart you Sarah and am proud of how you are doing with everything that's going on-you are amazing!

Akaannie at Elegant Blessings~An amazing woman, who always writes just what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Love her.

Far From Ordinary at Shes Come Undone~A newcomer to recovery, I visit her often. If you read this dear, I have tried to leave comments but I cannot. A black screen is all I see and it pisses me off! I really would like to comment so if that is something that can be fixed that would be great. We are here to help if we can!

and lastly to Hurricane Rojo at I've Got POOP In My Pocket because I just love her to pieces. AND she totally got me the coolest gift from her vacation this summer and I LOVE PRESENTS! I can be bought people, just so you know.

I hope you all have a great night!! QUEEN....OUT

What my fat ass is up to

2009-10-08T07:11:00.005-04:00

I have got to get back to blogging regularly again. God forbid anyone misses any of the importunates of my exciting daily drama. Actually, there has been not so much drama as of late. Which is fricken wonderful. The latest was the Drunkle Uncle saga, and I am happy to tell you he is FINALLY out of the hospital. He got out yesterday and THANK SO MUCH for all your prayers and kind words. I am hoping and praying that he does the right thing for himself, it's all I can do.

How bout a gratitude list to get me going again. It's been too long and I have much to be grateful for~~

I had a follow up meeting with Princes new school and they are PLEASED WITH HIS PROGRESS. WHEW! I knew my boy could do it!

Drunkle Uncle is home and on the mend. Hopefully he won't be stopping by any liquor stores and time soon.

Its fall and I am so glad to have all that hotness go the hell away. Queenie does not like to sweat-unless of course if its during all that hot sex that I still ain't gettin' any of. Dammit

Even if there was the sex going on, where the hell would I have it? I have a house full. BUT I am grateful for that as well. I just love my family-I really do.

Sister is still here and I am so glad she has stuck it out and stayed here. There's no going back for her now. Thank you GOD.

Blasto-Butter Popcorn. Nuff said.

The ability to get up and go to work every day, since I don't see anyone busting down the door to pay my bills. Mama need her a sugar daddy.

Actually I DON'T need a sugar daddy, I have always been able to support myself and my family. For this I AM grateful.

Good meetings and great recovery friends. WE can not do this alone.

Iced Coffee. Not that Starbucks shit either. My own home brew is the best!

I have actually been thinking about the holidays coming up. I used to DREAD this time of year. Now I look forward to having my family over for holiday dinners-we have the best time. Love them.

Good health. For the most part all of us are pretty happy and healthy. This is HUGE.

For our troops, God bless them all.

Blogger buddies, I read everyone daily. I suck at comments, but I DO enjoy reading y'all

Oh and how could I forget BEJEWELLED BLITZ. Yea, like I need to be sitting here gettin' secretaries ass clickin' away like it's my damn job trying to get to first place every friggin day. Yep, just what my ass needed.

I hope you all have a blessed day...QUEEN....OUT

Family Disease

2009-09-30T00:35:00.006-04:00

So I've been a bit busy lately. I am so sick of alcoholism, I've said it before and I'll say it again-It sucks big donkey dick. It just does. It's once again rearing its ugly head in one of my loved ones. My big brother (Uncle Drunkle) is currently in the hospital ICU suffering from alcohol withdrawal. He got there by falling off a ladder on Saturday and has been there since. In and out of the ICU. His head injury that he suffered as a result of his fall are the least of his worries right now. They can't seem to get his blood pressure under control because he is detoxing.

When he was being treated in the emergency room, I had a chat with my little brother and my roomie sister. I started out by saying we all know Uncle Drunkle drinks like a fish. The next think I know, my little brother says "Oh geez, we all know this and we know how far you've come Denise but do we really have to go into that NOW?" I could have slapped him silly at that point. He went on for a minute or so and I asked him if I could finish what I was going to say. What I was going to (and finally did) tell them is that we have to worry about alcohol withdrawal since he's going to be hospitalized for a while. If the hospital doesn't know he is an alcoholic, they can't treat him and it is DANGEROUS. He could DIE just from that, never mind the major bump on his head. Lil Bro apologized and agreed this was certainly something we should mention to the hospital.

So here we are a few days later and he IS indeed suffering from alcohol withdrawal (I DID mention it to a nurse, they already knew!). He is in the Intensive Care Unit and is getting the best care possible. I worry more about when he is released. Is he going to hit a packy and get a six pack and a pack of cigs? I hope not, but it is very likely. I will certainly give him all the support he wants or needs but he does have to want it. He knows I am in recovery, he jokes about it every time he sees me. But to me it is not a joke. He is only a few years younger than my dad when my dad passed away. From heart and respiratory disease-brought on by booze and cigarettes. Same thing, different generation. I don't want to lose my brother, but if he continues this way of life, he is going to suffer the same fate as my father. I can't imagine life without my big brother. He is every ones favorite uncle in my family. All of the kids just love him to pieces. But they too will be crushed if we lose him to this disease.

So when all of my friends here say their prayers, and I know you all do-please include Uncle Drunkle. Pray that this is the wake up call that he needs to begin a new life free from alcohol. I love you guys, and appreciate the prayers........Queen......OUT

T minus 56 minutes

2009-09-24T10:36:00.002-04:00

I finally called the Dr. Good drugs, they are a ' comin'. Taken as prescribed of course!

Sick

2009-09-24T07:41:00.003-04:00

You know what I want? What I really want?

I want someone to take care of my sick ass. I been down and out about a week and it's gettin' old. I want someone to bring me some really good meds - you know something to make me forget how effin sick I really am. Someone to bring me some goddamn soup. Someone to pick up around here while I'm busy hacking up a lung. Someone to care about me, really care. Care enough to just do what's needed to baby my sorry ass into healthiness. I don't think thats too much to ask. I really don't. waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaa...... QUEEN.....OUT

This and That-Update

2009-09-14T18:39:00.005-04:00

Here's a bit of an update since I have been suckin at blogging lately.

I apologize for sucking lately. I know how I sit on the edge of my chair waiting for all of every one's updates and I'm SURE you have all been the same waiting on the Queen. Yea, something like that. HA!

Secondly, I want to let you know that my son is doing FANTASTIC in school. You know, the one where the spec ed department thought was too difficult for him after THE FIRST DAY. Yes, that one. He is doing FINE and really likes it. Sons-a-bitches.

Sister is still here, oh and her daughter is here too!!! haha. My niece is 19 years old and is a sweetie and she was having a hard time where she was living, so I have another house guest! WOOHOO. I think. LOL

I haven't been to a meeting in about a week and a half and I NEED to go, in fact-I'm gonna finish this and go make a coffee and head out to one tonight.

I am not gonna drink, but if I keep this shit up, well the statistics and the beaten down people I see when I DO go to meetings who went back out for more don't lie. I don't want, nor do I need that bullshit in my life again. Oh, HELL NO.

If Prince keeps dissin me he will be going to a very special school...you know the one where they lock em in at night-JUST Sayin'.

Prince and my nephew (my son from anutha mutha) think lighters are cool and keep stealing them from me. I steal em right back, cause they are to stupid to hide them good enough. Oh, they also think swearing is OK. I do NOT like this age. It suck big ole donkey dick.

With that, my friends-I am off to my meeting. QUEEN......OUT

A Second Chance

2009-09-04T06:04:00.005-04:00

I had the emergency meeting (requested my me) at my son's school yesterday afternoon. He is going to be allowed/permitted to stay and will be provided with the proper supports that he needs to be successful in their school. It wasn't as easy as that sentence make it sound. I have been doing research online and visiting with a parent advocacy organization that is located 10 minutes from my house. I haven't slept much since August 28th, the day of the fateful meeting. I could do THEIR jobs for them right now, I am so well informed now. I tried to go in to that second meeting without resentment but there WAS a tad I must admit. I bit my tongue a few times, and got a bruised rib or two from the therapist sitting to the left of me when I did not. But in the end the principal of the school said she based her decision on what I had to say and what his therapist said about him.

I think it is a testament to Alcohol Anonymous that I was able to get through this ordeal successfully. First of all without AA I would not be a SOBER mom. I hate to think what it would have been like for the OLD DENISE to have to go in there and fight for my sons rights. Second, AA has given me the tools to communicate what I need or want in a responsible manner and has taught me that it is Gods will that will ultimately prevail. I don't think I can remember praying so hard for anything in a very long time.

Prince wants this in a HUGE way and now he has a fair shot. He knows what is at stake. The principal had a conversation with him after the meeting and he tolerated it well. She handled it(prince) extremely well. She wanted to make it clear to him what to expect in this school (its a tech high school) and what is expected of him. She also told him that they are there for him and want him to succeed, but ultimately it is up to him.

All in all, it was a fabulous day and I slept like a baby. Now I'm up at the crack to see that Prince gets off to school. Guess what, he is up and showered and 100 % ready almost 2 hours before school starts. He is ready to show them he can do this. Amen! QUEEN....OUT

The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease

2009-08-31T18:58:00.005-04:00

Isn't that what "they" say? I have been on the internet all weekend looking into the special education laws in my state. I am educating myself because I must. I must be an advocate for my son. It's what we as parents do. Well, it's what I do anyway. I feel the school was wrong in sooo many aspects of what went down the other day. Now I KNOW they were. I wrote emails over the weekend to various members of the school. I requested an emergency meeting. I requested a copy of Princes school records. I heard NOTHING today. That is UNTIL I wrote a letter to the State Department of Education and let them know that I know what Princes rights are and I did not want to have to go all legal on them if I didn't have to. Not to worry, I said it in a very professional way. I used the help of a very informed and helpful parent advocate. Unfortunately, she and many others have been in the same situation and have had to fight for their children's rights. I got an IMMEDIATE (20 minutes) response. A phone call from the woman who made the decision to remove my son from his new school.

I have my emergency meeting on Thursday and more importantly Prince CAN RETURN TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. This is a victory indeed. BUT, I still have a fight on my hands. I will have to convince them that he can succeed in their program albeit with accommodations that were agreed upon at a prior meeting with the new school. Prince needs to be on his BEST behavior when he returns. Or it is all for naught. I certainly hope not, but he is pretty excited to be going back. He has NEVER been excited about any aspect of school before. He has been asking me since this happened, "Mom, when can I go back." It's heartbreaking. Yea, he screwed up. He is a child with emotional disturbances. You'll have that. But he knows that this is it. If he truly wants this then he needs to act like it. I have been praying on it constantly.

I know they will be watching him like hawks. I pray that he can keep it together enough to pass their trials. It's not over though. His behavior until Thursday's meeting is a HUGE part of it. I have had the talk with him and he knows this. Then there is the meeting on Thursday, one in which we will determine what accommodations he will need and if they can provide them(by law they must, I know this cause Iz edu-muh-kat-did). There will be the determination by the administration whether or not they still want to send him to our local high school. But if they do decide this, they know Queenie ain't scerred and will fight them tooth and nail. Cause that's what kind of Mom I am. QUEEN......OUT

P.S. I am still sober(thank you God), when I am through fighting for my kids rights I will blog about that more!

So Let The Battle Begin

2009-08-29T23:37:00.003-04:00

I had a PPT meeting at my princes new school on Friday. The first day of school was on Thursday. This meeting was scheduled a few weeks ago and at the time I thought *wow* they are really on the ball up there, wanting to get started on the right foot. I was excited to get to that meeting and get this chapter of his high school career started. Now by my last post you can see that my prince did not have the best of first days. Apparently there was an incident that included swearing. It was over quickly and prince regained his composure on his own and that was it. When prince got home he was GUSHING with excitement over his first day at school. You need to know that this has NEVER happened. He went on and on about everything he did and saw and about everything he wanted to accomplish. He was even saying how he wanted to stay after school and work out in the gym and start to get into shape. He was so excited and I was happy for him. School has been very difficult for him for as long as I can remember. The next morning he got up on his own, dressed and hit the street to catch his bus as I was just getting up for the day! He was THAT excited.

Cut to PPT meeting the following morning. I arrive at the school and am escorted down to the meeting room by the Special Ed Department head of the school. The door opens and there they all are. All of the administrators and-oh who is that over there, oh that would be MY SON. My bipolar, severely depressed w/anxiety disorder son. Greaaaaaaaat.

I should tell you that the student is always invited to join in these types of meetings. My son usually opts out. He later told me that he was not asked, he was just taken out of class and brought down there. We begin this meeting and I can tell that he does NOT want to be there. He started getting nasty and there was MORE swearing and he was pretty much removed and put in the next room.(with supervision). Prince does NOT DO WELL with strangers and especially when these strangers are gathered around a conference room table discussing HIM.

So to make a long story short, the administrators that were present in that meeting came to the conclusion that they were not equipped with the resources that my son needs and they recommend that he be sent back to our local high school. They did not even want him to finish that day. I had to take him home and TELL him that he was not welcome back. We both cried and he is crushed. I have been on suicide watch ever since. He said to me, "Mom , this was the best thing that ever happened to me and now I just want to die."

I had him write a letter of apology to the school for his behavior in the meeting. I have also requested an emergency PPT. I feel that they are discriminating against him because of his disability and I will fight for him. I am his mother and his advocate and will fight with all my might for him to be given a chance to prove that he can make it. I think that one day and 2 class periods is not enough of a chance to prove that he can indeed succeed in their school. Wish me luck in this battle. I am just sick over this and I have been reading up on his rights as a disabled individual and they are clearly in the wrong. I just hope I have what it takes to take them on. I'm going to try my damnedest. Queen....OUT

NOT a Good Sign

2009-08-27T12:19:00.006-04:00

Day ONE: Email from the guidance counselor-

Today is the orientation I was telling you about yesterday. He will be touring with the same group all day, so the schedule won’t be a problem. If it is, he will be given a new copy. Prince did have trouble doing some of the group activities. He put his head down and when the teacher asked if he was okay he said (my words) that he was uncomfortable doing that type of activity. I gather there was some swearing. I went to meet Prince so he would know me before tomorrow’s meeting. He was not eager to talk to me, which is not surprising, and asked if he could go continue the tour with his group. When I saw him later he was talking to the teacher about a class and seemed okay.

Ms. Berube and I will see you for the PPT tomorrow. I look forward to meeting you. Let me know if you have any concerns.

Thanks,
Amber Stolz

Holy detention batman, its gonna be a loooooong year....

It's The Most WONDERFUL Time Of The Year

2009-08-27T06:40:00.003-04:00

Well it IS for most parents. Today is the first day of high school for my prince. Yea that's what I'm going to call him from now on. He needed a nic and that is what it's gonna be. I just saw him get on the bus for his first day. He was actually in a GOOD mood. He was up and showered while I was still having nightmares of how horrific today will be. But then I woke up and saw that he was up and running and dressed in his new uniform and he gave me NO GRIEF whatsoever. Excuse muah for not being overly excited about this because I know all mornings will not be this good. BUT ITS A GOOD START! Especially for my boy. There truly IS a GOD. I have missed blogging, it's been over a week. I will check back in later and let y'all know how the day goes! QUEEN..........OUT

Back in My Castle

2009-08-17T19:50:00.007-04:00

Yer Queen is back home from our mini vacay in Lake George. It was bootyful. They scenery was nice but my son was NOT. I hate to say it like that but dammit if I mouthed off and talked to my mother like he did to me I would be wearing my teeth on the back of my scull. We got our asses beat. Oh yea. And guess what? WE DESERVED IT! There were six children and I don't blame that woman (Mom) for whipping out the paddle when needed. But my friends, it is a new age. We are not allowed to "beat" our children these days. How do I know this? Oh, because MY SON TOLD ME SO! haha.

Son: "If you slap me then I'LL call the police!"
Me: "Here gimme that phone, I'll dial it for ya."
Son: "Nice."
Me: "Then when they get here they can take you away to the land of the foster children, you know the ones that live in a basement and have never heard of Pokemon or ice cream."

Son is only 13. Son is diagnosed clinically depressed with anxiety disorder. Oh AND he is bipolar. And he's 13! I know this is just the beginning of my hell. Oh, AND I am a recovering alcoholic and can't drink over it. DAMMIT.

TO BE CONTINUED: I have to go to the store and get devil child some fruit. There's no ice cream in this castle for misbehaving children. I am such a mean Mom.

Ok I'm back. I went to the store that I spent 8 hours working in today to get the above mentioned fruit and other odds and ends. Like yogurt - and wheat bread. Things that my son needs to get used to eating. He is on 3-going on 4-different meds. One of them makes him crave carbs. He eats NON-STOP. He is gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. So I need to be diligent about what I bring in this house for food. I have been buying healthier food since we got back. A lot of our arguments on vacay were over FOOD. He wanted it constantly. I feel for him. He really cannot help his appetite right now. I know it's driven by the frigging meds he is taking. But its FRUSTRATING to say the least.

Moving on. I received a call from the AA hotline tonight. Someone was in need. I am ashamed to say I ALMOST didn't answer it. I hesitated. Then I remembered that I gave the hotline my number to help another sick and suffering human being. Someone was there for me when I needed help. This is what we do. We pass it on. The last time I got a call from the hotline I ended up talking to someone who wanted me to be their personal driver to get to meetings. I'm pretty sure that's not what the hotline is intended for. So I answered it tonight and was given a number to call. A woman needed someone to talk to. She was drunk as a skunk. Big surprise there! I am going to call her in the morning and possibly pick her up for a meeting tomorrow evening.

She is someone who has been sober for different lengths (years) of time, but thought she could handle "controlled" drinking. Does that sound at all familiar to any of my alkie friends out in blogland? It sure sounded familiar to me! I spent 13 years "controlling" my drinking after my first attempt at sobriety (first rehab) before I finally got sober this time. Oh and what a grand 13 years it was. I had a few realtionships-one which was abusive (POS) I fell off a deck and broke my neck (drunk, of course!) had a baby, lost both parents and a sister, and somehow survived it all. I am grateful to be able to be here to tell you that I got past all that and then some. Lord knows I should have been dead a long time ago. But I am not. I am alive and well, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Oh, and God. QUEEN.....OUT

This and That

2009-08-11T02:38:00.004-04:00

Wow I haven't written in a week and yet I don't have much to say. Hmmmm. Actually it's 2:39 am and I am packing for my trip to Lake George. The photo above shows the beauty I will be soaking in in just a few short hours! I should be sleeping but nooooooo. I am wide awake sweating my ass off smoking like a chimney doing laundry for the trip.

Its weird but my sister and I have been taking turns pulling all nighters. Sometimes its both of us. We just cannot sleep. The weather here JUST turned sticky and humid so that's not the problem. The evenings here have been perfect for sleeping until now.

I kinda sorta reconnected with one of POS sisters today. We have not communicated for about 5 years or so. At all. My son has been seeing her children at another aunts house. He asked me last night if he could go over their house and we set it up and I brought him over today. I ended up staying with him and we had a good time catching up. My only regret is that I did not officially make amends to her. There were kids everywhere and I never really got to speak to her alone. It really bothered me later that I did not make it a priority and "git er done". I will be sure to do it the next time I see her.

My sons sister has been posting wedding pics on her facebook page. The latest batch had a pic entitled "my family". I will give you ONE guess who was NOT INCLUDED in this lovely family photo. I am soooo glad my son does not have a facebook. Seeing this pic with my son excluded justified what I have been saying all along. They just don't give a rats ass about him. All the other players were in it. I am pretty much done with big sister. My son DID say to me " I don't think they want me to come over anymore". He is figuring it out on his own and I will help him deal with it as best I can. He has a mental illness and I think they just don't know (or don't want to)how to deal with it. They way they treat him you'd think he had think he had bubonic fucking plague.

So anywhooo.....I am going to go finish packing. jeNN if you want to hook up EMAIL ME DAMMIT. I think my email is on my profile. I will be back on Friday night. You all be good now. Have an awesome sober week, I know I'm gonna! QUEEN.......OUT

Post # 100

2009-08-04T21:59:00.008-04:00

Well ladies and gentleman, I'd like to thank all my faithful followers and stalkers alike (ya- -I WISH) for hanging on with me as I ride this sometimes rocky journey of mine. Rocky as it is at times, it is a walk in the park compared to the old road I was on. I have enjoyed this online part of my recovery. I welcome all comments and opinions. It's amazing to me that some of the people like myself, who have been to hell and back through the years of abusing ourselves with alcohol and drugs, give the best advice you could ever get. It is greatly appreciated and I am so grateful that I have found this online recovery community.

What else am I grateful for?

I am grateful for the new attitude and new outlook I now have in life.

I am grateful for getting through last week without verbally or physically injuring former family members for the way that they treated my son.

I am grateful that I am FINALLY letting go some of that ANGER and RESENTMENT that I felt towards some people last week. OH ITS STILL THERE, but it lessens each and every day the more I pray for it to be lifted.

I am grateful that I had an awesome meeting at my home group tonight. GUESS WHO gets to lead the meeting for the next 3 months? Yours Truly.

I WAS NOT grateful for having to lead the meeting and did NOT want to attend tonight. HOWEVER, I was grateful once the meeting was over and it went without a hitch. WHEW.

Blast-O-Butter Popcorn.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to GO ON VACATION next week! We are heading to Lake George, NY. Any suggestions on good lodging would be welcomed and appreciated. Either that or I throw a dart at my monitor and that's where the Queen shall lay her head for the week.

I am grateful that you all didn't RUN FOR THE HILLS when you read the craziness in last weeks posts.

You all have a kick ass evening. I know I will. QUEEN......OUT

FYI-I hit spell check and they were NO MISSPELLINGS found. Maybe there IS hope for those old bruised and battered brain cells.

What can make a Queen feel better???

2009-07-31T18:09:00.006-04:00

Oh I know~~

Food and SHOPPING !!! YAY!!!

I'll let y'all know how that works out for me when I return. Hee hee.

Seriously though folks your comments on my recent post(s) - OK RANTS have made me feel so much better about this whole ex- family bullshit. You all are some smart mo fo's I'll give kudos where they are much deserved. You all made me feel so good that I'm about to head out and SHOP my ass off and maybe get me some of that yummy Jolly Time Blasto Butter popcorn I love so much.

You are all the shit, don't let anyone tell you any different. Queen....OUT

I'm Pissed again.....

2009-07-30T16:53:00.006-04:00

Why must people be so fucking stupid and insensitive? Anyone???

My ex *step daughter*(Lucy) is in town for her wedding. They arrived here in town on MONDAY. Today is THURSDAY. The day before the wedding. They have NOT TRIED TO CONTACT my son at all. These my friends are some fucked up people. When Lucy and her baby left to move to Chicago in January my son was CRUSHED, devastated. She knows this. Lucy and I have discussed this. The baby was only a year old when they left. His first and only niece. Yet they arrive here in town and don't even call him to come and see her. I am beyond pissed.

So I call the Aunt from Hell (POS sister/not his NICE sister my BFF) today and ask her if my son can go with them to the wedding so I know he has a SAFE car to ride in. I specifically ask her EACH AND EVERY TIME he visits over her house not to let my son in any motor vehicle that POS or his new lady friend are driving. It is not a catty thing it is about safety. They are both active alkies and she is a third off the fruit rack as far as I can tell. Not that I don't have my own issues, but I don't know this new person and I am the mom and they should respect my wishes.

Aunt from Hell proceeds to say sure he can have a ride, and can he come over tonight because we are having a barbecue/rehearsal dinner thing. Now I KNOW that if she never heard from me today, my son would NOT have received an invite for tonight. That is part of why I am livid. He should have been called DAYS AGO to be able to visit with his Lucy and the baby. That is how NORMAL, CIVILIZED people do things. I am civil with these people for my sons sake but let me just say at times like these yer Queen could just flip the fuck out on all of them. I won't but I want to. They have no regard for peoples feelings at all. A 13 year old's feelings. It makes me ill.

So Aunt from Hell proceeds to tell me that I need to give POS a chance. As in let him drive him. I say uhhh NO. He has been sober like a minute and a half maybe and that is so not long enough for me to be giving him a chance WITH MY SONS LIFE for fucksake. Again I say, what the FUCK is wrong with people. I thought about it later, but I should have asked her if she would let HER SON in a car that he was driving. I know she would not. Then she went on to say "Well maybe he is afraid you will call the police on him" WHAT? I responded "Well the only time I have called them in the past is if he was punching me in the face or had his hands around my neck." I called the po po when I was getting the shit beat outta me you stupid bitch is what I wanted to say. What a dumb bitch. And this is the sister of his that I thought had a lick of fucking sense.

I just don't get people that can't understand normal thinking. My son KNOWS that they are here in town. I KNOW it hurts him that he hasn't been called. We have not discussed it because: A. He has not brought it up. B. I don't want him to hurt any more than he already is, so I don't want to bring it up right now. and C. I'm too pissed at those insensitive assholes to have this conversation with him.

FUCK ME.

I'm going to a speaker commitment at the men's treatment center again tonight. It will get me out of the house and get my mind off of this bullshit and hopefully will help me to remember the good stuff I have to be grateful for. QUEEN.....OUT

I've Come To The Conclusion That....

2009-07-29T03:03:00.004-04:00

I have been ridiculously obsessing and getting pissy about a wedding that will be FULL of people that I wouldn't want my worst enemy stuck to have to sit down and eat, drink and be merry with.

That although I still carry the hurt about the ex stepdaughter, I have done all that I can to make amends and it's on her (and God) now. It's out of my hands. Whew.

I cannot send my son to the wedding in the tie-dyed *wife-beater* t-shirt that I wanted too. Dammit.

If you are going to take a COMMITMENT(as in service work/or job within your home group) in Alcoholics Anonymous then make sure to FOLLOW THROUGH with it! (you KNOW what they say about half measures, right?)

I have the best home group ever. If you don't feel the same way about your home group, maybe you should look around for another one. Just a suggestion.

Putting down that effin drink was the best decision I have ever made.

I am hopelessly addicted to *bejeweled blitz* on facebook and may start my own 12 step program for myself and others.

My sister made the right decision when deciding to come and live with yours truly. I have not seen her this happy in who knows when. This in turn makes me happy.

Little sister and I are being compared to Oscar and Felix from the Odd Couple and not only is that hilarious, but it is 100% TRUE. Go ahead, guess which one I am! HA

Sister and I have the best time together. Especially late at night. Like really late. We we doing this last night while going through my underwear drawer. Yes, my underwear drawer. We found everything from grandma panties all the way through a thong that says *eat me* on the front. IT was the shit until my son walked in on us acting like a couple of teenagers. It was FUN I TELL YOU!

That I REALLY need to go through that drawer and weed out all the *inappropriate* underthings. HAHA. Or NOT.

Well y'all, its been a hoot and a half but Queens gotta go, QUEEN......OUT

Thanks for the input friends...

2009-07-27T19:25:00.005-04:00

I want to thank you all for the advice and suggestions for my wedding gift dilemma issue. To give or not to give. I do or I don't! HA! Well I have made my decision and also have come to the conclusion that you are all WAYYYY more kind than I am. That being said this is what I have decided. I am giving the happy couple a bible Holy Bible: King James Version, White Padded Bonded Leather, Family Faith and Values. I think it is PERFECT and I thank Heather for the suggestion
About the book:
Description: This edition is a marvelous way to pass on a legacy of faith to a new generation. Designed specifically to encourage families to worship together, it makes a splendid gift for bridal showers, weddings, special occasions, or holidays.

Perfect!!!

Because I am a real bargain shopper oh - and a real TWAT at times - I also got them THIS

Hey at least its not a Chia Pet or a nose hair trimmer.

Progress not perfection, right? riiiiiiight. QUEEN.....OUT

Wedding Gift Dilemma/Etiquette

2009-07-25T20:16:00.008-04:00

Miss manners I am not-I bet you never would have guessed that huh? I need to know how you all feel about this kind of dilemma I am in. As I said in my last post <-- my sons sister is getting married in a week. He is invited to the wedding, I was being considered (pending approval from POS). I ended up telling her to have a nice wedding and don't bother asking POS. Even if he did APPROVE I would have felt uncomfortable there anyway. So I will not be there. I did not get an official invite. Even if I did get an invite, I don't think I would have attended. Therefore I don't think I am obligated to get her a gift.

Am I being too harsh here? I don't think so. She will be lucky if her dad (POS) flips her MAYBE $50.00. That is a BIG maybe. Had I been invited, she would have received a very generous gift-whether I attended or not. I am gonna blow my own horn here and tell you that I can be a very generous person and she knows this. BUT, for someone who chooses to invite a person who will probably spend more time at the bar then at the reception-I don't fucking think so. Sure I am hurt, but I keep going over this in my head and I don't think it is appropriate to have to send a thoughtful, generous gift if you were not officially invited. I have a gift for the baby to give her when she gets here. It is a beautiful painting by Kim at Small Words (check her out-her work is amazing). Here is a pic of it below. Thanks again Kim, I love it!

I hook them up at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. I RARELY get a thank you for any of it. I chalked it up to all the crap I did to her when I was a mean ass drunk. All words, really mean-awful stuff. I have made amends. I have cleaned my side of the road and have kept it clean since.

So we all know that drunks and addicts are the experts on etiquette. What the hell should I do? If I do not send a gift-it will look like I am pissed because I didn't get invited. That is partly true. But I barely have a relationship with these people anymore other than dropping my son off to visit her whenever she is in town. Tell me - What would YOU do?

Pour me

2009-07-23T22:03:00.005-04:00

Oh for chrissake, I got a bad case of the poor Me's again. I spoke with POS daughter (my sons step-sister) on the phone today. She is getting married here in town on Friday the 31st. Of course my son is invited, but I was waiting to see what they were going to decide about me. HAHA. I have made amends with - oh gee what shall we call big sister - how about Lucy. I love Lucy. hehe. No seriously, she was the very first person I made amends with when I got sober. She never lived with POS and I but she was his daughter and for the most part I was good to her. Her dad NEVER was. He still isn't. Towards the end of my drinking career I was awful to her. Mostly to piss off POS. Oh, the stupid shit we do when we are active.

Lucy has a beautiful one year old child now and is marrying the baby daddy. Cool, I guess. Don't get me goin' on marriage(I would tell her to take the baby and RUN!). So I made my amends and she accepted which was great and now we have a relationship but not the best and not as close as it once was. I called Lucy tonight because the wedding is next week and I need to know what to dress my kid in. So we got to talking and she started talking about why I had not received an invitation. She has to talk to POS first to make sure he is OK with it. He has a GF and she will probably be there and yada, yada, yada. Here is MY take on this. I think it is HER wedding and she can invite anyone she wants. I think she wants me there but doesn't want to risk her dad pulling any crap with me. Oh the other hand, this "man" has had NOTHING to do with her since day one unless either myself or another relative forced him to. He was just as bad a "father" to her as he is to my son. He is still bad and she thought once she had her daughter he would come around. Oh no silly girl, even grandchildren don't out rank booze.

I don't think he should have the "power" to make any decisions about this wedding, of course that is just my opinion and I did not tell Lucy that. What I did tell her was, do NOT worry about ME-just have the best wedding day ever. I will dress up the kid, drop him off and pick him up when its all over. I don't want to be the cause of any unnecessary drama or awkwardness. I wish her well. But it still hurts like hell.

Damn Near Perfect Day Off

2009-07-22T23:15:00.005-04:00

I had a great day. Every day I wake up instead of coming to is a blessing. Thank you AA. Thank you God.

I was off from work today. I slept in. I LOVE sleeping in. I am NOT one of those early riser crazy people. Oh HELL no. I love my sleep and if you are anywhere near me when I am aslumber (yes, this is a real word-I JUST made it up) you better not poke this sleeping bear. Trust me.

OK so then I go to my doctors appt and all is well there. Everything is where its supposed to be and working just fine. Perfect.

Then I take my son to his dreaded counseling session. He is 13. He is bipolar. He is hormonal. He is a little shit. Can you see that in your head? Use your imaginations people. I would not want to be a counselor for children, no thanks. This woman who counsels him is a saint. I would want to slap all the mouthy children, which is why I work in a grocery store and not at the doctors office. Not that I slap kids around in the grocery store, but I get to watch other people slap each other around. I KID! Relax. Although, I do get to watch and hear some pretty crazy stuff.

So THEN I come home for a bit and go to a meeting. It's out of state, we had a speaking commitment so ROAD TRIP. It went really well and I got to hear 3 people from my home group that I had never heard before. They all sounded so good. I have slacked off on meetings in the last 2 weeks or so, and I know where that leads. So needless to say I will be picking up on the meetings. It was so good to see everyone tonight. I miss them when I don't see them a few times a week AT LEAST. They are like family, they really are.

Oh and speaking of family~My sister came with me tonight. Perfect first meeting for her. Speaker and out of town. Perfect. I think she enjoyed it, but I know she still enjoys her wine as well. Which is fine, when she is ready I am sure that AA will be there. She is doing really well. She is doing for HERSELF a little bit and she is smiling a lot. I love her to pieces and it warms my heart to see her happy. I know she is going through a lot right now. I have been EXACTLY where she is right now. Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, it still hurts like hell when you have to make a life change like she has. Its damn hard. She is a strong lady and I intend to be here for as long as she needs me. Have I told you how much I love her?

I need to go, gotta get some sleep. I hope you all have a blessed evening. Sweet dreams peeps.

QUEEN.....OUT

Gratitude-Long Overdue

2009-07-19T23:13:00.007-04:00

I can't even express here how thrilled I am to finally have my sister here with me.

She is finally free.

I hope and pray that she can be strong and stay focused on what she needs and wants-because if Mama is not happy-nobody is!

I am happy that my son let his walls down and hung out with some children today. I visited family today with both boys and my son was sociable and SMILING today.

I am grateful for my job and all of the freedom I have in the workplace. My job somehow survived through some awful years of my active alcoholism. I am a very lucky girl indeed.

I have some pretty neat people in my life who I am getting to know again. You know - now that I am not living around in that damn bottle anymore. That is cool as hell.

*I left off here the other night, so here is my gratitude continued.....

Good Health-I went to the doctors today and all is well for the most part. BP good, weight not so good. More exercise blah blah blah....Scheduled my mammogram for tomorrow. I been praying for someone to play with the girls but this is just ridiculous.

I went to get my blood work done today and they told me I needed to fast for 12 hours. When I got there it had been like 16 hrs and they told me that was too long. I am not grateful for this, but I thought it was hilarious that someone told me that I had to eat something. Go figure.

My clean home-thanks to my wonderful sister WHO NEVER STOPS tidying up. Not that there's anything WRONG with that. She is a Godsend. We are good for each other. I am truly blessed.

I am grateful that I found an item that has been missing for a few days. I found it IN THE TRASH. How did it get there? I have NO IDEA. Did I mention that it was a CHECK in the amount of $800.00? Thank you GOD.

For being *normal*. HAHA. I just had a friend call me and wants me to go to a speaker commitment with her tonight. She wants to go but wants someone NORMAL to go with. So she calls ME?? HAHAHAHA. Silly woman.

I am grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Both in real life and here online. It is a miraculous program for people such as myself who could not stop drinking on their own. It is a we program and without those who came before me I wouldn't be where I am today. Oh I am still a screwed up individual-but its a work in progress. A little progress each day. Progress not perfection. That's for damn sure, at least for me.

That is all for now. Be well my blogger buddies. QUEEN......OUT

It's a Happy Time/Its a Sad time

2009-07-18T00:35:00.006-04:00

I hope everyone out there is happy joyous and free. I know I certainly am. I have been for 1339 days now and I am just amazed about that. Amazed I say. A big thanks to my Higher Power for giving me the strength and courage I need each and every day to get me through it sober once again. Amazing.

I have posted here about my sister in the past. You can read past posts here and here. She is FINALLY HERE living under my roof. She is so happy yet sad at the same time. She is happy to be out of the relationship that she was in but she is sad because her children are crushed. She has 3 children and the youngest is having a hard time with the whole situation. This is the kid I always refer to as my other son on here now and then. He is a great young boy and he is going to be OK. Today is only day one. She has received many texts and calls from her kids and she gets upset when she communicates with anyone that decided to stay behind. She has made up her mind and I pray that each day the pain lessens for her. She has put up with so much in the past 22 years and she deserves to be happy, joyous and free!!

So that's my good news for the day. She has been a cleaning fool and my house will be it tip-top shape in no time. Hell she worked on the living room today and after about 5 minutes I turned around and it looked like a different room! She is GOOD. We got a good laugh over that and there will be many more to come. I need to stock up on depends. Its going to be a laugh your ass off until you pee yourself kinda time until she gets her affairs in order and gets an apartment of her very own. *Please God, don't let her change her mind*. The guilt is already wreaking havoc on her. So until we chat again, be well my cyber drunks.......QUEEN.......OUT

My Big Sister

2009-07-14T23:05:00.004-04:00

This beautiful lady is my big sister Marilyn. Sadly we lost her to addiction and alcoholism 9 years ago today. She struggled her whole life with this disease until a methadone overdose put her out of her misery. She was one of those that just could not "get" it. Not from lack of trying. She was in and out of programs, rehabs, meetings, institutions and the list goes on. I miss her terribly and think of her often. I hope she is at peace now. Her struggle and untimely death are a constant reminder for me to continue on my journey in recovery. But for the Grace of God go I. Queen.....OUT

A Cry For Help

2009-07-13T22:29:00.004-04:00

I was leaving my office today when a customer stopped me and asked me if I had a minute. This wasn't just any customer, this was a lady from my past-someone I have seen in the store on many occasions. I didn't think she knew or should I say remembered me. We met in 1992 when we were both in treatment for alcoholism (my very first stab at recovery). I have seen her shopping in my store numerous times and I assumed she just didn't remember me. Well come to find out she does. We sat down and she asked me if I remember her. I told her of course I do. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing fine. She asked me again-"You know what I mean, HOW are you doing, with - well - you know what I mean." I knew what she meant. Was I still sober. I told her I was doing good with almost 4 years clean. She told me she has never stopped using. Sigh. I always saw her and assumed she was doing alright and did not want to approach her for anonymity reasons and I was after all always at work when I saw her. I gave her my phone number and told her to use it anytime. She gave me a BIG hug right there in the middle of the hustle and bustle of our busy store. She absolutely made my day. I feel best when I am helping another sick alcoholic and I think that God put her back in my life for a reason. Maybe some time working with her and not thinking about POOR ME is just what I need. That AND a piece of ass. Or am I asking too much here?

You all have a good night, and thanks for your kind words after my last whiny post. Queen....OUT

Something have GOT to give

2009-07-12T21:41:00.005-04:00

I think I will bullet this post as I have random shit to throw out there.

although I am constantly surrounded by people I feel so very alone
I am not liking it one bit
I am OK-I don't feel like drinking. In fact I just got home from a meeting-my first one in about a week.
I KNOW I need more meetings
If you try to get close to me, I will go away.
I have been hurt too many times and I expect that anyone new in my life will follow suit and hurt me too.
I have issues with abandonment. I get close to another person (male or female-friend or sig other) and I get left or hurt. Always.
I have been feeling like this for quite some time now and like the title says, somethings got to give-and soon would be nice
I know it's not going to happen overnight and its going to take a lot of work on my part. But I still want some really good stuff going on - and I want it yesterday.
I enjoy my life on the outside, but its still pretty fucked up on the inside
I could burst out in tears at this very moment-but I won't cause I have 2 kids in the room who would think I have FINALLY lost it if I did.
I will try to write more when I get off my pity pot.
on a slightly different subject (maybe not) a piece of ass would be nice too, just sayin'

Thanks for listening.....Queen.....OUT

Now I'm PISSED

2009-07-03T23:52:00.006-04:00

First off Happy 4th of July to all of my fellow Americans. What a blessing to have been born into this country.

I started out my evening with a show at the MGM Grand. My sister was kind enough to treat me to a hilarious few hours with Joan Rivers and Don Rickles. OMG. Too funny. Six rows from the stage. It was awesome.

On the way home I got a call from my SIL (POS sister/my BFF). She tells me what an asshole her brother is--like I didn't fuckin LIVE that nightmare. I know this, but I ask anyway. She said he brought his new girlfriend into where she works to introduce her. No big deal really, UNTIL SIL asked "So have you seen J lately?"(she knows he has NOT) and he said "yeah". OK, apparently his definition of lately is vastly different from everyone else on the planet because the last time he saw my son was Christmas Day. Whatever. Then he comments "Well if his mother(that would be me) wasn't such a psycho". WHAT? I have been VERY PATIENT and very much NOT a psycho for the last three years when I speak to him. SIL stood up for me and he said "Oh what are you two FRIENDS now?" and she said "We have never NOT been friends." Oh how I love that woman!

He STILL does not have medical insurance for our son. I thought that if I handled this insurance issue like a big girl and not call him all the names that are floating around in my head just DYING to come out-that he would cooperate like a big boy and we could settle this amicably. I thought wrong. Guess who is going to go to child support enforcement on Monday and inform them that he is once again in CONTEMPT of our court order. How do you like me now mister? I need to remember that I am dealing with one very sick alcoholic. Patience and kindness mean nothing to him and the only method that ever works is taking him to court. I thought it was going to be different this time. Our phone calls have (or so I thought) been civil. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt when she told me about the psycho comment. INITIALLY it did anyway. Now I'm pissed. Will that jackass ever learn that it is not a good idea to piss off the QUEEN?

Just when you think you've heard it all....

2009-06-30T23:28:00.004-04:00

Man Injured After Using Nail Clippers to Circumcise Himself - Men's Health - FOXNews.com
Check this out-Of course he had a few drinks first. He'll be the newcomer walking in hunched over for like the rest of his life. lmao.
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Another Farewell

2009-06-29T20:13:00.005-04:00

When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel,

and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow.

A bird gives the message back to the world,

and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry.

People disappear, but they never really go away.

The spirits up there put the sun to bed,

wake up grass, and spin the earth in dizzy circles.

Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the day-time,

when they're supposed to be sleeping.

They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets

and make waves splash and tug at the tide.

They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes.

And when they sing wind songs, they whisper to us, don't miss me too much.

The view is nice and I'm doing just fine.

When I lost my sister in 2000 someone sent me this poem and I absolutely loved it and it brought me a sense of peace in dealing with her death. I post it here today in remembrance of my cousin Johnny B. who sadly passed on today. He was 56 years old (young). As you all may know I come from a family crammed full of alcoholics and addicts. Not just in my immediate family but also aunts, uncles and numerous cousins and sadly nieces and nephews. My cousin did not escape the wrath of this effin disease, but he did get sober and died a sober alcoholic. As sad as it is that he has passed on, I am darn proud of him for getting sober and staying that way until his Higher Power decided it was time for that big meeting in the sky. God bless you Johnny.

I sincerely hope that my decision to find recovery will make a difference in my sons' future. In a sense it already has, but I mean later in his life when its not MY decision whether or not he picks up a drink or a drug. With his diagnosis of depression and bipolar, a drink or a drug could certainly put him on a deadly path. This is one of my biggest fears, but I am doing today all that I can to prevent that from happening. The rest is up to him. I hope and pray he makes the right decisions when the time comes.

Long overdue for a gratitude list~Today I am so grateful for-

A loving family

my son, who seems to be doing well lately

my good health, despite still being a SMOKER - that will be next

my home group - the best group on the planet

jolly time blast - o -butter popcorn. Hell YA

my online community of sober bloggers. You all do more for me than you could ever know

my job. To think I was going to quit at one point (just to SHOW THEM!) SOOOOO glad I did not do that!

a mild summer so far, heat and I just don't mix. It can stay like this all summer and I would be just fine with that!

Thats about it for now, gotta go blast me up some popcorn! Life is good, so good. QUEEN...OUT

Addicted

2009-06-28T23:05:00.002-04:00

Well hello all, and how is everyone doing tonight? I have been REAL busy - no time to blog since I have been developing my addiction to Facebook games. I seriously need to get a life. Seriously.

Commencement Day

2009-06-18T08:35:00.003-04:00

I swore to him I wouldn't have worn curlers, my bathrobe and inadvertently picked my nose at ALL if I could just see my son graduate from Middle School today. He wasn't havin' it, nope. I think this is how he pictured me in the auditorium and he was not going for any of it, not a chance. So my kid "chooses not to participate" in the ceremony that is planned for 11 am this morning. I was really upset about it when he told me the other day. I took the day off without telling him and I really WAS just going to slip in and watch without him knowing I was there(you know so I COULD pick my nose). The he tells me he wasn't "participating"-his words. He said why bother, why would he want to draw attention to himself by going up on stage to get a "fake" piece of paper that didn't mean anything. He is killing me I tell you. I know this is part of his bipolar and depression talking. He is doing way better than he has been, but anything that puts him in the spotlight or makes him the center of attention is off limits to him. His self esteem is in the crapper. Even when we have something for his birthday, he doesn't feel comfortable. Being in a room full of people freaks him out too. J does NOT do crowds. All of this makes me sad, I wish I could make it all better for him. I wish I could wave a magic wand or something and make him well. But all I can do is continue to do what I already have been doing. Continue his treatment and hope that he continues to improve. I insisted that he go to school anyway but I agreed to pick him up early. He was NOT going to miss one more (especially the LAST) day of school. He wasn't happy about it but he did go.

In other news POS is dragging his feet on getting J's insurance from the state. My insurance for his meds is capping out like yesterday and we need this so our son can have his medication. I have called him every day for the past few days and he promised to call yesterday to check on it. It was denied initially and I told him to call them and find out WHY because he definitely qualifies. We have NEVER had to ask for help from the state for anything and now that it is needed they are jerking us around. I see people every DAY who are receiving this and that from this state that do not , or should not be getting the very thing that I need for my son. It is something I need to pray on, and I have faith it will all work out. As long as POS does his part (ooh a phone call) like he said he would.

*Update*
I stopped typing and called POS while it was fresh in my not so fresh memory and he DID call them yesterday and they said it was going to cost $175.00 per month to have the insurance. I told him its better than the $500.00 co pay I currently pay out of MY pocket and he actually agreed. They are sending him more paperwork and I told him to let me know when it comes in and we will work something out. Now this loser IS on unemployment (like $450 a week) and he has NO bills besides child support that he actually pays. He lives/sponges off of his lady friend. He is supposedly not drinking again. So realistically he CAN afford it. BUT I am going to call the state myself and find out WHY it will be costing so much. For crying out loud, what's a girl gotta do to get on the welfare!

My pharmacist/friend suggested that I call/visit online the manufacturers of the drugs that J is on and they have programs that provide for people who need assistance. I did that and don't see where I qualify for any of that. If anyone knows of any other way to get help, please let a girl know! I'm thinking of hooking up with a wealthy senior citizen with one foot in tha grave but I'm not actually there YET. What we mommies have to do for the well being for our babies, I swear!

Well I must go get ready to pick up my kid. You all have a super duper day and I shall catcha all later. QUEEN......OUT

*UPDATE* Number 2
I just picked up my son and the auditorium was full, the commencement ceremony in full swing. I cried. I didn't let him see that, but it was sad for me. He just couldn't get out of there fast enough. Sigh.

Slumlord Part Deux

2009-06-14T20:31:00.007-04:00

So first of all, HELLO all. I have been around but back to work and busy-busy-busy! I have been reading you all. In fact I am getting quite addicted to blogger land here. Not just here but all kinds of blogs. Hell, its better in comparison to what I USED to be addicted to sooooo-I really need to get a damn life. Haha.

So I am gonna include the much anticipated pics that I promised. To be totally honest with y'all I couldn't find the stinkin' camera! This house has been in more of a disarray than usual and I tucked it away so the kids couldn't get their grubby little hands on it and I FORGOT where the hell I put it. I have one good brain cell left and its been on overload lately so forgive me. OK, so while I was going through these pics I was HORRIFIED at how bad things actually look(ed) before the changes I have made. What a fucking dump. These pics depict what I was settling for until I grew a set and said FUCK THIS NOISE and did what slumlord assbag wouldn't. The more I looked the more pissed I became. How dare he deny my request for improvements, wait till you see the before and afters. Keep in mind that these are the immediately before and immediately after shots. Because I am a dumb ass and couldn't find the camera there are no TOTALLY finished pics YET. So here goes, without further adieu.....

Click on any of these to see the grossness up close and personal.

Here is the BEFORE shot of my floor that slumlord wanted to fix by "replacing a few tiles"

I can't believe I lived with that for as long as I did. Now here is the New and Improved Floor during the installation.
Better? You bet your sweet bippey it is. Holy hell what a difference. OK are you ready to see what slumlord thinks is a "new" appliance? Here is the stove. It had NO handle on the door and the seal was broken on the oven so I could not clean it properly. The oven door didn't close all the way either and you can see the burn marks on the inside of the door as a result. I only used the stove top for the longest time. OK here it is-Old stove-
I can hear the gasps and the "ewwws" all the way here. Haha. OK so here is my purdy new one. Nothing spectacular but its pretty new, the price was right (thanks SIL) and its MINE!

Like I said its DURING the floor install so forgive the mess! OK I think I saved the "best" for last. I don't know it's all pretty bad. This is my "new" to slumlord old refrigerator. I can't believe I kept my food in here. Needless to say we ate out quite a bit.
This is a shot of the front. Those brownish marks you see are spots of rust. It was there when I moved in and got progressively worse over time. The fridge was so bad it deserves 2 before pics. The next one is of the bottom of the fridge. ewww.

Fucking Nastiness. So my NEW fridge is SOOOO large I am having a hard time gettin' a shot of it! Here is the best I have at the moment. It is beautilocious! It does everything except sexually satisfy yer Queen. That's a lie, I get all hot when I get near it, I really do. I love it!
I can't even tell you how much happier all this newness makes me. It ain't much but it's mine. And now I have a bathroom to paint. Well it's not as simple as a paint job here in the hood. I need to finish taking the wallpaper off and then do something with the walls. I won't even go into the issues with my toilet. Or my furnace. Or my garage. Or the condition of the outside of the entire house. I will save that information for a later post. So I will close with a pic of the assbag slumlord himself, removing the old appliances. I wonder if he took them home and put them in the wife's kitchen? Hmmmm?? Yea, I don't think so. Have a superb evening you cool ass buncha drunks......QUEEN OUT

It's Pams Birthday!

2009-06-11T04:57:00.008-04:00

I just wanted to wish our friend Pam at Sobriety is Exhausting a very Happy 18th Sober Birthday!! If you are not acquainted with Pam and you are in recovery you need to head over there. You can visit her by clicking on the title of her blog above or you can just click right here. She has a lot of wisdom and she's not ascared to use it! Pam you are an inspiration to me and dag-nab-it I wish you lived closer or vice-verse. Keep on being an awesome chick, we all love you! Yes Sarah, I used dag-nab-it again. (just for you!-smile would ya!).

Hey Y'all

2009-06-10T00:17:00.003-04:00

Its been a bit since my last post, I have been keeping real busy. I got my new appliances and floor (pics soon).YAY! What a HUGE difference in the floor. OMG. And it was so easy to do. Well with my SIL helper it was a breeze. She is a go getter and a good influence for me. Hard to believe that she is POS's sister. She even says so herself, in fact most of his siblings say that, haha. Anyway it came out really nice and I just need to trim it up a bit and done. My slumlord came to pick up the *like new* appliances and I stood in my back doorway taking pictures of him as he loaded them onto his truck. No way I'm goin' on Judge Judy without the proper evidence. See you in court buddy, hehe.

Tonight was the Beach House picnic (aka Woodstock). It actually went quite well. Boy when we drunks sober up we can throw quite the partay! The food was spectacular and clean up is a breeze when everyone pitches in. The meeting was great as always. I am happy to be done with my busy week and back to a bit of normal life.

Speaking of life I have been thinking about how calm and serene everything has been lately. Even with all the chaos last week, all in all I have got it pretty good. I have next to ZERO stress and when I see or hear about someone else suffering I kind of feel guilty. I don't know why, I just DO. Especially when it is someone close to me, like my sister for example. She is going through some heavy stuff right now, but there is not much more I can do. She has to make her own decisions about what she needs to do. I think of the serenity prayer often. Accept the things I cannot change. Acceptance is huge. I KNEW I was an alcoholic, knew I belonged in AA but nothing happened until I accepted it. So it's getting late, I just wanted to check in. I will try to get pics up soon. So adios amigos......QUEEN....OUT

Checking In

2009-06-02T21:21:00.004-04:00

Hello friends-- I am tired as hell and can only stay for a few minutes. Here's what I've been up to the last few days:

I am on *vacation* from work-I am very fortunate to have a butt load of vacation time and I am soooo grateful for that!

this is a working vacation, but that is OK.

I am finally getting off my dead ass, and I feel much better mentally

physically however, I do not. I am getting a cold and that's what I get for boasting that I NEVER get sick

I helped move my sister-in-law out of her house the last few days, holy hell she has a lot of *stuff*. We got done at about 3 o'clock this morning.

even though it was basically just the two of us women moving EVERYTHING including my *new refrigerator and stove*(YAY) we had a blast and I love this girl to pieces.

this SIL is POS's sister(and a very good friend of mine), and during the move I got to see and speak his other siblings and I think they no longer think I am such a bitch, or whatever they thought I was. It was nice catching up with them and knowing they no longer hold a grudge.

I did get my new appliances, but the are currently in my living room (HAHA) until I get the new floor installed. This will hopefully happen in the next few days.

I had a PPT meeting with my son's current school and his new high school team. He is going to a Tech high school and I am very excited for him. He got to sit in on this meeting and I was VERY proud of him, he answered questions appropriately and was on his best behavior for the new administrators. I see maturity creeping up in many ways with him recently and I am very proud of my boy.

my son and my son from anotha mutha helped over the weekend with the move. It's amazing what 13 year olds will do for you when you flip them 20 bucks!

Slumlord

2009-05-29T17:23:00.004-04:00

So slumlord doesn't see the need to improve anything around here. Why should he? He gets the rent on time (for 10+ years) and never has a problem with me as a tenant (so his wife tells me anyway). I say bullshit, if he's not going to fix or replace things dag nab it-I will. I am getting a new refrigerator and stove this weekend(NOT from him, that's for sure). While these old (or hes says "like new" HA!)appliances are out and before the new ones come in I will be laying down a new floor. I will take before and after pics and post later. You will not believe what he considers *OK* and *like new*. Ass. I'm sure I will be needing the *before and after* pics down the road for when I am moving outta here someday and he tries to say I owe him for anything. If anything he will be owing ME for the improvements. But he IS a lawyer so I need to be careful. So when I called him to let him know I got new appliances and he would need to get the old ones out he said "Leave the old out by the garage and I will have someone come get them and TAKE THEM TO THE DUMP!" Scuse ME? Are these the same *new* appliances that you didn't think needed replacing? Again I say-ASS.

I am going to Home Depot to pick out MY new floor! YAY! Queen....OUT

My Weekend and More

2009-05-26T00:23:00.005-04:00

So what did everyone do this fine Holiday weekend? I worked every day-well the whole weekend and the holiday. Before you go gettin all "oh poooor Queenie, that sucks you had to work" blah~blah~blah. Lemme just tell you I work EVERY SINGLE holiday since I began this job 29 years ago tomorrow~ Holy longevity batman, thats a whoooole lotta years dealing with my cussies! So because I am a lifer with this company I cannot~CANNOT complain about having to work holidays. I am WELL compensated financially and for that I am truly grateful. There were MANY occassions where they could and probably should have fired my drunken ass, but they did not. I am grateful for that also. SO grateful.

My sister came over this afternoon for a cookout and we had a side splittin blast as usual. We get to laughin so much its a chore to breathe sometimes. There was peeing involved, and it wasn't in the rest room if you know what I mean. Yea that much fun. She seems to have made her decision about leaving her crappy situation. Come the end of school year(just a few weeks!) she will be moving in here. YAY! I will breathe a big ole sigh of relief only when I see her tucked snugly into her new room, having a good nights sleep for the first time in who knows how friggin long. I think it will be very good for her to at LEAST step away from her "situation" for a while so she can think about what she needs to do long term. I will be here for her every step of the way.

While she was here we went to a nursing home down the street to visit her best friends' Mom. What a pistol. I remember when we were young teens and sister would hang out with her friend, and upstairs was my best friend. We both practically lived in that house, we were never home. Only thing about that situation was, both households were SEVERELY alcoholic. Severe. The woman we visited is now 80 years old and boy back in the day, she could put down some pretty serious liquor! OMG! A few years ago she had a fire in her home (cause she was hammered and smoking) and got burned up pretty bad. Ever since then she has been in a nursing home where she can no longer drink or smoke. I believe that that fire probably saved her life. When I heard about the fire, I couldn't believe she was still alive because of her heavy alcohol use. I didn't know she was a half mile down the street or we would have gone a lot sooner.

So it was a good visit, but extremely sad to see people just siting around-in their wheelchairs-staring into space and I think I need to do something about the way i felt when I walked in there today. Or should I say do something about the way these patients feel sitting there day after day in a GD hallway. I know someone who works there and I am going to see if I can go volunteer to maybe sit and visit with some of them~I don't know, SOMETHING. The first person I saw was a man sitting in a wheelchair who had no legs, I am GUESSING that he is probably a veteran. Sitting in a home on Memorial Day, all alone. I will let you know what comes of the chat with my (in the program) friend on what they allow there.

Ok it's beddy bye boos time people, QUEEN....OUT

Me and The Cussies

2009-05-23T02:50:00.006-04:00

Oh Hell, it's 3am and I'm still awake so here I am. I have read the news, my frequently visited websites, played cards and here I am still. Jeeezhus H Christ. I have been working nights all this week, getting out at 10pm so there you go. This is my problem. Its totally screwing with my sleep schedule.
Soooo....like I said I have been working night-just for this week. A few of my people(yes I HAVE people) are on vacation so I volunteered to do some nights. Then came this week and I was like, Shiiiiit - I don't really WANT to do this now!!! Reason being, people generally SUCK. Working with the public SUCKS. I live in Connecticut and believe me when I tell you there are some pretty frikken rude ass people in this state. My "normal" job entails working in an office behind the scenes, doing my accounting thing all day. I love it. What I had to do this week is stand behind a counter and kiss major ass to customers all week. I am NOT a good ass kisser. NOPE. I have one more night to work tomorrow and the nightmare will be over. Well I THOUGHT it would be a horrible experience-but miraculously it has been not so awful! I must say these people (customers) have been quite nice, not one of them got out of line with me. No name calling. No fist fights between them in line(yep-it's happened). Not even a scammer. We usually get lots of those. I have had the BEST conversations with some very nice people. Mostly elderly folks. Really, sweet~sweet~sweet people. I was on my best behavior and was kind to all of my cussies (customers HA!) and they were kind right back. I am also getting to know my night people a bit better and that's a plus as well. So to wrap it up I have to say that I would probably do it again but NOT on a full moon week. OH HELL NO. They are at their worst during a full moon.

OK lets really wrap it up now with a bit of gratitude shall we?

for J, my wonderful son...who mowed the lawn with no argument yesterday!

for having my energy back, depression sucks big donkey dick

a wonderful family, who I may get together with this weekend since the yard is lookin' all nice

a great job, and nice cussies this week

for being sober today, I liked it so much I may try it again tomorrow!

for my SIL (sista-in-law) who though of me when selling her almost new fridge and stove. I need both and will be buying them from her~pretty cheep too! YAY

for my continued awesome realaionship with God, without Him none of this would be posssible. NONE.

Have yourselves a kickin' Saturday, and a safe and happy holiday weekend! QUEEN....OUT

Can't Stay Too Long

2009-05-20T12:52:00.003-04:00

Because its my day off and I GOT MY LAZY ASS UP and began my day volunteering at my sons' school. They're having a book fair and when I told him they called needing volunteers, he was NOT pleased that I agreed to help out. As long as HE didn't have to actually SEE me there, he was OK with it. Little shit.
I got caffeine in my system and when I got home I WAS going to mow the lawn. Then I talked myself right outta that one! I have teenagers that need to be doing that kind of work around here. I may try to do some of it later on this afternoon, we'll see.
I am doing floors, laundry, dishes. You know all the crap I have been avoiding due to a combination of depression and flat out laziness. So lemme get off of here and get back to work, while I still have the urge to get something done.
Have yourselves a great afternoon~ QUEEN....OUT

Sunday Secrets

2009-05-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

I knew that word would SUCK you in. hehe. I got NO secrets, not anymore. Well I do have one, kinda. Yesterday was Queens' Birthday and to be honest with you it was not a big deal W~ H~ A ~T ~S~ O~ E~ V ~E ~R. I spent most of it SLEEPING. I took the day off and slept. Until my sister stopped in and woke me to present me with some gifts (thanks Sista). I think (I know) that my sleeping habits lately are due to depression. I'm on medication for it and for the most part its under control. I use sleep to escape. Better than how I used to escape, but still not good. This time of the year is a trigger for me. I lost my Mom in May and I had a pretty devastating, life-changing event happen in May a few years ago. I hardly ever think of it anymore but it has continued to affect me. This too shall pass. It will and I will be fine, I'm certainly not going to drink over it. I am on my way to a meeting, so I will close with some good old gratitude.

Today I am grateful for~

being one year older, and still sober. There was a time when I REALLY thought I would not see 40. I turned 45 yesterday.

working 6 hours of double time today

a dependable vehicle to get me where I need to be

a kick-ass sister~love my Vivvy

a great kid, who is becoming quite a helpful and loving young man

my sober friends, in real life and the cyber-sober ones too

yet ANOTHER new boss, who is kind to me and has kids too~so he get it that sometimes I need to take off with a minutes notice

my bills are slow but sure getting paid off. Funny how that works huh?

a friend who gifted me with clothing that no longer fits her son, boy did that come in handy!

my friend Heather is back home with her children, taking it slow. One minute at a time-but that's OK.

Good night to you all, Happy Sober Sunday~QUEEN.....OUT

~Gratitude~

2009-05-14T22:04:00.007-04:00

Today I am grateful for:

having God back in my life-

having relatively good health, now if I could just "make the decision" to stop smoking...

being able to let go and let God

my son. In many ways, that kid has saved my life~

my sister, I love her to pieces and wish her nothing but the best.

for patience ~ that I have been able to hold back and not kidnap her from her hell. I know she will "make her decision" when the time is right.

my awesome job, and the support of my coworkers.

my new girlfriends in AA, boy when we drunks clean up there's some pretty darn cool people under all that mess!

being willing and able to help those that want and need it.

I am happy to be sober and available for my son and his needs. I see much improvement and that is truly a miracle.

that I'm able to recognize these miracles happening all around me.

that these miracles are happening to ME and I kinda like that.

no stress in my life, yep thats right NONE-Let Go Let GOD~

for some pretty nice people I have met on blogger in the last few months, I truly enjoy reading all of your experience, strength and hope every day.

Thanks all of you for your kindness and prayers for Heather at "I've Got Poop In My Pocket". This is what I mean about all you cool people. I have not heard from her, she is still in my prayers and I hope she is ok. Heather if you read this, please email me when you get a minute.

Lazy Wednesday

2009-05-13T20:10:00.009-04:00

Today was my day off and I started out by getting the boy off to school. He has been MUCH better in the mornings. Between meds, getting a detention that he hated and just plain maturity-I think he has grown dramatically in the past month alone. I have not had school call with any problems, he has been pretty pleasant around the house too. I just got his progress report and he got all C's and better. A far cry from the four F's that graced the last report! So things are definitely looking up. YEEHAW!
I went to a women's meeting with a friend this afternoon (after sleeping in MOST of the day-not good). I am glad she called me because I was THINKING of going but in the back of my mind I really didn't want to go. When I got the call, I suggested we go to the women's meeting that she had never attended and off we went. She loved it, and I am glad I got off my butt and went. We are planning on doing this every week-we shall see if I follow through. I have been having a problem with following through on anything for a while now. I procrastinate the shit outta everything and out of all of my character defects, this one bothers me the most. When I DO get off said butt I am pretty happy with what I get accomplished. Its the actual physically MOVING my ass and getting going that's the issue. If my GF had not called me, I would have stayed home. I am a work in progress, and always will be. I called it procrastination and I really need to face what it really is. Its laziness. Laziness can and will get me into trouble. I am going to start to pray on that for myself. Yep that's what I will do, give it to God and hopefully He will give me the energy and strength I need to get even the simplest things done. I think it has a lot to do with depression as well. Look at me, diagnosing MYSELF. Now I am my own therapist too.

I am gonna go read some of your experience, strength and hope and wish you all a great evening. Its truly a gift to be sober today, I might even try it again tomorrow. QUEEN.....OUT

MOM

2009-05-10T22:25:00.011-04:00

My mom was an amazing woman. She raised all six of us almost single handidly, as Dad was always working (its not cheap raising 6 brats.) We lost her right after Mothers Day in 1997. She was a mere 58 years old. I remember going to her house after she passed away and seeing the house dress I got her for Mothers' Day, sitting there unused with the tags still hanging off. She never got a chance to wear it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or speak to her. I miss her terribly and want to thank her for the following:

For being a power of example for me.

For teaching me the real meaning of family.

For loving each and every one of us kids, unconditionally

For passing on your amazing cooking skills/recipes

For teaching me how to be a responsible adult. I didn't always do it but I KNEW HOW BECAUSE OF YOU

For trying to get me to quit drinking. I appreciate the effort, but it wasn't going to happen till I was ready.

For still being there for me every day, I feel you here with us-I truly do

For being a kick ass lady-I'm pretty sure that's where I got my spunkiness, hehe

For the humor you saw in everything. That may just be the best gift you ever gave me.

I hope you all had a great Mothers Day! QUEEN.....OUT

Warm and Fuzzy

2009-05-10T18:36:00.004-04:00

Thats the way I feel right now. All warm and fuzzy. Wanna know why? It's Mothers Day and I was just doing the dishes and my son walks in and says-"Thanks for everything" and I say "thanks for what buddy?" which he replied "You know everything, like thanks for not having an abortion, thanks for getting me everything I want or need-you know stuff like that". OH YES HE DID.

QUEEN.......OUT

Prayer Request

2009-05-06T03:54:00.004-04:00

A very funny, brave, kick ass blogger friend of mine needs all of us. She can be found here. Her name is Heather and she needs a place in your prayers, if you would be so kind. She has Crohn's Disease and is having complications that warrant some special prayers. Please visit her page and see why I love her to pieces and wish her a speedy recovery. I know all my recovery friends have a Higher Power in their lives. Please ask Him to watch over Heather and her family. I love you guys and thank you for your kindness. QUEEN......OUT

Sober Sunday

2009-05-03T22:41:00.006-04:00

Not too much exciting has happened around here since my last post.

No falls, accidents and most importantly no one I know has dropped dead in a few days

I went to a great meeting tonight, well they are ALL great really.

My cousins wife was there and I love her to pieces.

My drunks and I had a meeting, in the rain before the meeting in the parking lot

We also had one after for about an hour-GOOD TIMES-still raining-we didn't care.

I got to go to dinner with my sister tonight, we laughed and laughed and laughed some more

She needs to move in with me so we can do that more often and more importantly she actually likes to clean house and I despise it. HA!

We are planning a family reunion for this summer, I cannot wait.

I have a few new followers, thanks for all the love and comments.

I love my followers and my fellow bloggers

I read you all daily and enjoy the experience, strength and hope you all share.

I am happy that I am on this new path-this new journey-into a clean and sober life. I like me now and I would never have that without AA.

I was told to stick around until the miracle happened and I'm glad I finally listened.

Until next time QUEEN.....OUT

Fall of The Queen

2009-05-01T17:46:00.007-04:00

So I posted the other day that the QUEEN does NOT mow the lawn. I got a few comments telling me that some of you love to work in the yard, how its good for you -blah - blah -blah. I said I don't MOW but I will get out there and clean up the yard, plant and what not. So this is what I did on my day off. I weeded, I mulched, I watered. I picked up the yard. Yada, yada, yada. It's not the gardening I despise, it's the damn mowing. I have a HUGE lawn and two 13 year olds (one bio son, one adopted nephew) who can do the mowing. They come in handy on trash day as well. I digress.....
So anyway, I do my thing in the yard and I call it a day and wake up the next morning. I get ready, make my iced coffee and begin to head out to work. I have my hands full-coffee, wallet, lit cigarette. I open my back door and without looking down I take that first step out the door and my foot lands in something unfamiliar (NOT the stoop) and I FLY down the rest of the stairs. In mid "flight" I remember thinking "oh, this is NOT gonna end up good." I had NO idea what the hell I stepped in, but it was now stuck on my foot like a damn shoe. I don't know how I managed to do this, but I actually landed ON MY FEET! HA! Somehow I managed to stay on my feet and I was not harmed. (yea, you can all rest easy now) I was laughing my ass off at myself-it was the most FUN I have had in a long time. I ended up having to change my clothes because I was now WEARING my iced coffee from my chest all the way down to the inside of my shoes. In case you're wondering I had stepped into a metal bucket, like the ones you see in the summer that have citronella in them. I use it for a butt can outside and I had moved it up off the ground during my "gardening" the day before.
On a sad note, another one of my sober friends has passed on. He was in his fifties and apparently died of a heart attack a few days ago. In the past (like when I was active) I fell down LOTS of stairs. Hell, I did a back flip off a deck one time and broke my fucking neck. I should have been dead a looooong time ago, but God had other plans for me. Everything happens in His time and He has been calling a lot of people I love home lately. I thank him for everything He gives me, the good and the bad. Every time He takes a loved one, He reminds me that we really DO only have today and I am going to make the most of that 24 hour gift. Even if it does begin with me falling out my back door. He was looking out for me, and for that I am grateful. Rest in Peace Chris, save me a seat at that big meeting in the sky my friend.

Tuesday Tidbits

2009-04-28T16:20:00.005-04:00

I feel lots and lots of gratitude lately
The more I see suffering the more grateful I become
I don't have much, but I do have ME back and that is a miracle-it truly is
I saw POS today in line at the bank. He looks awful
BUT he is on day 7 so I hope that works out for him
He said to me "I was having seizures" to which I replied "No REALLY?"
He actually GOT INSURANCE for my son, without me having to ask or force him
THAT is another miracle
I get to speak at my Home Group tonight. I am always nervous but it needs to be done
My boss stuck up for me to HIS boss today. Miracle # 3
I'm glad I can be a trusted employee these days
My son seems to be content, no drama-no anger. Thank you abilify.
I am happy that spring is here, but not liking my grass growing faster than a speeding bullet
Your Queen does NOT mow grass-she just doesn't
That is where a house bitch would come in handy. I am still interviewing so keep the applications coming people.

With that I wish you all a great night, I'm off to get snacks for my drunks. QUEEN....OUT

Its a LOVE thing/and Weekend Update

2009-04-26T22:09:00.012-04:00

Many thanks to my fellow blogger friends Atiyanna and Lou for bestowing upon yer Queen this lovely award. I have enjoyed my new journey in sobriety and brought it to bloggerville about six months ago and have found some wonderful people here. I have learned a lot, met some really awesome people, and plan to stick around a while because there's a whole lot more I need to learn and its just plain fun to have a recovery network when I am here online as well as "off".

LOVE YA blog award: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandisement. Our hope is when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight more bloggers who must choose eight more."

Here are my nominations in no particular order:

Sarah at Complications of a Perfect Life

Robin at Bean's Path

Akannie at Elegant Blessings

Bill from Life on Planet Bill

Live and Learn the Hard Way

Sophie at Sophie in the Moonlight

Anybeth is Swimming in Clear Water

and finally Mr. ZaneJabbers

Please be sure to drop in on these awesome people, some in recovery, some are not. Some are friends I have connected with while trying to learn more about my sons' mental health issues. In any case, they all rock and you should pay them a visit if you have the time.

So as for my weekend-you know the one that was supposed to be spent at a spiritual retreat for women in recovery-it didn't go as planned. There are a few reasons for my sudden change of plans. My son was supposed to go to my sisters' house for the weekend. Supposed being the key word. It could not happen. There was MUCH drama going on there and it was to chaotic in her home for me to bring my son up there. Now she reads this blog and she knows how I feel about her situation, so I won't pull any punches here. She is living with a chronic alcoholic. He showed some interest in AA a few months ago, but nothing ever came of it. The day I was supposed to leave for the retreat, he had to be brought to the emergency room. He was having symptoms related to a heart attack, so she brought him there. This man has a history of a "panic/anxiety" disorder. I flat out told him this disorder was alcohol related. I am no doctor, but I had the same issues when I was actively drinking MYSELF to death and I truly think it is related to his alcoholism. I think he is NOT forthcoming with his doctors/emergency room people (I know I WASN'T!) I told him when I stopped drinking the anxiety just went away.

This man KNEW we were burying my uncle on Saturday. He KNEW that my sister had some important stuff to do this weekend. But it has to be about HIM. All the sudden, he needed medical attention and was manipulating his children into thinking that my sister doesn't care about his health. He has pitted the kids against her and out of guilt, she brought him into the ER.(They wanted to keep him for observation, but he has no ins. so he left). When I spoke to her after she dropped him off at the ER, she started to tell me all of what was going on and she cried, A LOT. She was so distraught over what he has put her through, and now has her children thinking that SHE is some kind of monster, that she just balled. I told her that she needs to get the hell out of that house and that her kids need al-anon/teen. The whole family is suffering and there is not a damn thing that I can do but make these suggestions. I pray that she takes them, I really do. I know what she's going through because I LIVED IT with POS. She is living my old life and it is difficult to watch her go through it. She is drinking too much, and I know what that's all about too. I drank so I wouldn't have to deal with the BS too. And it just made the situation worse. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Her alcoholic will never leave and she know this. She is going to have to be the strong one.

So when I decided that it would not be a good idea to bring my son there, I called a brother. I told him of my situation and he said NO. I was floored. I still am. I am usually the first one to help out a family member and when I need a favor, which is not very often, and I get shot down, it pisses me the fuck off. I was hurt and then pissed at his reaction to my plea for help. He said "Well if I had some kind of notice, and besides I have a FUNERAL to go to tomorrow." I guess that was a shot at me for going away instead of going to my uncles funeral. THEN he said "Well what about Johnny? (our very alcoholic brother)-haha." Yes, he snickered when he suggested that. I was beyond pissed that he even suggested that. That same evening my brother Johnny showed up at my uncles wake-DRUNK. So NO that was not an option, and not funny that he even said that to me.

So that my friends is what happened to my weekend. I want to say to my little sista B - I love you very much and mean it when I say you are always welcome to come here. I know how devastating this disease is and how it destroys families. I want the best for you and your children and right now you are all in peril, you really are. I am willing to help-please just reach out and take the steps to make your family well.

QUEEN....OUT

My Weekend

2009-04-26T19:32:00.002-04:00

was NOT what I had planned
God apparently had other plans for me
no retreat
I did go to my uncles funeral
I am on my way to a long overdue meeting and will fill y'all in tonight
I am so happy that my Higher Power guided me through.
I'm gonna go get my medicine now, catcha later

Queen.....Out

2009-04-24T10:25:00.014-04:00

I am getting my bag packed for the retreat.

You would think I'm never coming back with what I am planning on bringing.

I am bringing my meditation books-I think I'll actually have the time and the peace and quiet to enjoy them and maybe learn a little about Denise.

I am also bringing a 4th step "guide" so I can learn how to actually do this step. It is LOOOONG overdue.

So is getting a sponsor.

I am a sick alkie, so therefore I am bringing a thermos of...................

ICED COFFEE---GOTCHA!

Oh and my laptop. Probably not appropriate but they DO have wifi. God must want not want me to miss anything whilst I am away.

I have my uncles wake to go to at 2pm and the closer two o'clock comes, the more I dread going. But I must.

The weather is supposed to be beautiful, and I am very excited to get my share of serenity and spirituality.

This retreat could not have come at a better time.

That is all for now, I need to finish getting ready. You all have a good day now. QUEEEN....OUT

Farewell Uncle Donny

2009-04-22T17:43:00.008-04:00

Sadly, my Uncle Donny has passed away. Age 54. A damn shame really. Absolutely full of life, always had a robust laugh happening, always made us kids feel special. I will miss him dearly.

As for POS - well I think he's still kickin. I don't know I have not checked. This is how I feel about my role in his latest dilemma. NOT MY PROBLEM. It really isn't. If he happens to die, I will have to deal with it, you know with my son and all. Like I have said before, if he dies and breaks my sons' heart, I will dig him up and beat the shit outta his corpse. I'm just saying people. About 8 years ago he was in the same ICU with pneumonia so bad that he was nearly dead by the time he got to the hospital. He had surgery (a thoracotomy) and was back in ICU for 10 days. It was a difficult time for us, and I was there EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY FOR HIM. He thanked me by screwing around on me 6 months later. Except for a short time, he has been gone ever since. Funny I took the physical blows from him, but when he strayed like that he had to go. He pretty much disgusts me and besides, he has a brand spankin new GF who can nurse him back to health this time. I repeat NOT MY PROBLEM. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this point. I can thank AA and my ever growing relationship with my Higher Power for giving me that strength.

The funeral is on Saturday but I have a spiritual retreat that I am going to attend. I will go to his wake on Friday and right after myself and my girl Val are spending two glorious nights at this retreat. I know my Uncle Donny would have said JUST GO DENISE! So I shall. I got lots to reflect on this weekend, and I can't think of a better place to do it. So that is all for now my cyber posse, have yourselves a great night. QUEEN....OUT

As The World Turns

2009-04-21T21:59:00.009-04:00

That's what my life feels like right about now. I just got back from the hospital and my uncle has been moved from ICU to a private room. More privacy for him and his family. I think I heard someone mention that he has maybe 2 more days to live. Incredibly sad.

Before I went to the hospital I was on my way to my Tuesday night Beach House meeting. You know, the best AA meeting ever! Well I got a phone call from my brother. I have 3 brothers, and this one NEVER calls me. So I though oh shit, this is it. THE call saying my uncle had passed on. But it wasn't. He called me and said "you'll never guess who is in the ICU in the room next to Uncle Donny." He was right, I had no idea. It is none other than my ex, more commonly known here in Queens World as POS. I was going to go to the hospital after my meeting but with not knowing why Mr. ex was in ICU I headed over there after making the coffee. I needed to know as he IS my sons dad and if he was on his way out I need to know. So I get there and visit with my uncle and then I popped in on POS and spoke with his nurse. Apparently he fell in the shower (drunk of course) and broke a rib. Well I ask her why is he in ICU for a broken rib and she said he is detoxing (and seizing) and they have to monitor him closely. She was very kind to tell me anything since I am nobody to him, but she knows we have a child together and answered my questions. I guess he's being an ass and giving them a hard time. You know, like we detoxing drunks do! So anyway, I visited with him for a bit and he was pretty sedated but he recognized me and even asked me where his girlfriend/drinking buddy was. How the hell do I know?

I hope this will be his last run but I don't think it will be. He seems to be pretty hopeless. He knows where the meetings are and I hope he does get well, but as we all know it is up to him. But I think its pretty WEIRD that he ended up in there when my family is there as well. He better hope some of my family members don't run into him, cause he'll be staying a helluva lot longer if they do!

2009-04-20T20:03:00.005-04:00

I had an odd day. My son went back to school today after having a week break. He got up early with no issues and got off to school on time. YAHOO! That is a major accomplishment in this house these days. So off to work I go. One of my favorite people on the planet was transferred into my store and he started today. He is one of my managers and we get along like peas and carrots, so I'll give that a YIPPEE!
But then I got a phone call from my sister. She tells me that our uncle is in the hospital and not doing well. Shit. He was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer. He is not only my favorite uncle on my dads side of the family, but he is the SPITTIN IMAGE of my dad. My dad passed away in 1991 at the age of 54. My uncle is 54. Dammit. This man holds a special place in my heart, and I knew I had to go see him asap. So that's what I did. My sister left work and so did I to go see him and comfort his wife. Seeing that man lying in ICU-the SAME ICU that my dad had been in was just hard to see. He was heavily sedated, when he is not he is pulling out tubes and what not. So incredibly sad. I stopped in the hospital chapel and asked God to be easy on Uncle Don, and please don't let him suffer. So I will continue to pray for him and his family-what else can I do? It just sucks feeling powerless in this dire situation. But that's what I am, powerless. I do have the power of prayer and I will continue to use it and just give it to God and hope he's got his listening ears on today......Queen....OUT

Dinner Conversation-With Tweens

2009-04-20T00:26:00.004-04:00

So I sat in a Subway sandwich shop with my son and my nephew(my son from anotha mutha) this evening. We are all enjoying our dinner when I say "I don't care, I LOVE my food, I don't care about dieting-I just love my food too much" and my son says "Guess you don't care that you're never gonna get laid again". Yes. He said that to his mommy. My nephew munched away and said "Can we NOT talk about this?" HA HA. I said something like no, I think we should talk about periods, puberty and the whole kittin kaboodle. Needless to say, they were both pretty quiet through the rest of our little dinner. I heart tweens. I really do.

Pretty Toes

2009-04-17T22:22:00.005-04:00

Yes, I have them now. I went for my very first pedicure yesterday. I made the appointment and when I got off the phone my kid said "I hope you don't like it too much." I asked him why would he say that. He says "Cause if you really like it then that means you'll be going back like every week spending hundreds of dollars and I'll get less stuff for me." OH yes he did. What a spoiled little brat I am raising, huh? Just for that I think I will make it a habit, cause I DID enjoy it. How anyone can make a living out of what they had to do to my dogs is a mystery to me. I could NOT do it. EVER. BUT, I can be on the receiving end. I finally did it and it was relaxing, and it felt good to spend some time on ME. Just ME. I stand on these poor feet at least 8 hours a day and they really liked the attention. I was there for two hours! I got my nails did and got my uni brow attended to as well. I didn't really have a uni brow but I did get em waxed.
It was so good, I wanted to light a cig when he was done. Yes I said he. I think that made it more special. I wanted to take this tiny Asian man home with me. Yer Queen needs her a house bitch. You know for cooking me dinner, doin the lawn, my feet, massages. Stuff like that. No monkey business, just look out for the Queen. Only serious applicants please. Have yerselves a super evening. QUEEN....OUT

Keep It Simple Stupid

2009-04-14T22:46:00.010-04:00

Oh MY GOODNESS!! I have had quite the evening. Tonight I attended my favorite meeting in town, the one that got me sober. I raised my hand at one of the first meetings and volunteered to be the coffee maker and that saved my ass. Its great if you go to meetings on a regular basis, but if you don't get INVOLVED in the program chances are that you will probably not make it. I suppose that is my opinion and like Syd mentioned in his post today, take what you want out of what you read here and leave the rest. But I have seen it with my very own eyes, the people who get involved-chairing, treasurer, GSR, greeter, coffee-WHATEVER-generally do well when combined with working the oh so important steps.
So anyway, the actual meeting went well and then there was a business meeting afterward. This meeting was to discuss a picnic that we are planning at the Beach House where we hold our meeting. A picnic. Pretty simple right? Well get a room full of alcoholics and addicts planning it and the next thing you know you would think we were planning something like Woodstock for chrissake. They were all cross talking, shouting, arguing and getting nothing accomplished. I took my buddy in recovery (the one who wants me but will never have me hehe) aside and said "Let's make a run for it-- we're so outta here" lol. And we left. And it felt good. When and if they have Woodstock I will make a potato salad, open the building for them and that's it. End of discussion for me! Way to complicate a hot dog meeting folks. I could not get outta there fast enough. I like to get involved like I said above BUT when everyone is getting all worked up for nothing I just choose to let them all try to figger that shit out on their own. YOU try telling 20 or so drunks that they are wrong, or that they should just keep it simple. It can get ugly and I have had enough ugly for a lifetime THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It was amusing sitting in the back and watching them for like a minute and then I did what I had to do and now I am home chuckling about it. I'll be sure to let y'all know how it turns out. hehe.
My son is doing OK, but his Doctor wants to run some tests. J is NOT A HAPPY CAMPER about this. He has NEVER had blood drawn and has informed me that he WILL NOT be letting anyone draw blood. Nope, not happenin. OY. If anyone has any advice on how to get a kid to submit to a blood test, please share. He's too damn big to hold him down, and I know my kid-he WILL fight it. He really needs the blood work and I need a solution. I will pray on it, and I will get an answer. He also needs a MRI (which I THINK is a brain scan). That is painless but could be scary for him. I don't know. But he is getting tremors (he calls them mini seizures) and it needs to be checked. He also gets the "shakes" as he calls them and that is what the blood work is for. So any advise from my fellow bloggers would be greatly appreciated. Between God and you all, I'm sure I will find a solution.

Gratitude list Du jour:

That you stopped by to read my ramblings, for that I am grateful....

for my 1244th day of abstinence from mind altering substances....

to have a few really great friends in recovery....

that I have the next TWO days off from work....

that I know madness when I see it and know when it's time to scoot the hell outta there....

I am grateful that I got a new boss at work and he's a pretty cool dude....

for my not so little guy, J-He's a handful but I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything....

a great job, and supervisors who know I give them my best when I'm there....

family....

a car that is all MINE sitting in the driveway....

I could go on all night but that will do for now

Have a good night you buncha alkies, addicts and al-anoners. And please remember to K.I.S.S.!

Queen....OUT

Asking for Help

2009-04-14T00:07:00.006-04:00

This is something I hardly ever do. I was going to write " hardly ever need to do" and I backed up and took out the need part. As you may have read on an earlier post my baby daddy lost his job yet again. The only thing that affects me and my son when he is jobless is the medical insurance. My son is on a lot of EXPENSIVE meds. To be exact it is $1550.95 per month kinda expensive. That means my insurance will cover some of that but will max out pretty soon. That loosah needs to get another job and soon. In the meantime I have to ask for help from the state I live in. I am told that the non-custodial parent (him) with a court order stating he has to provide medical insurance (got it) is eligible to for this state insurance. I have printed out the application and will provide an envelope and a postage stamp for this ass wipe of a father and he had better fill it out and send it in. All he has to do is fill it out and mail it. Ya wanna know what I think (know) he will do? He will not fill it out because he doesn't give a shit. It's a shame. I called one of his sisters and told her of the plan he needs to apply for and to please inform him about it. She said she would, but I KNOW HIM TO WELL. If he thinks (which he does) that it will benefit me in any way, he won't do it. Not for one millisecond will he consider that it is for HIS SON and not me. Pretty sad. But he is dealing with the Queen bitch and I do have a plan B. Oh yes I do. Child support enforcement does not like baby daddy's who do not comply with court orders. I would rather NOT take that route but don't mess with my child's' health. I hope he complies-but I doubt it.
I went to an awesome meeting tonight that was having anniversary night. The celebrants had a range of sobriety from 6 to 37 years! Two or maybe three of them had 30+ years. I won the raffle which was for a subscription to the Grapevine. If you have never read this magazine y'all should. It's an AA publication and I was soooo happy I won it. You can only win so many bumper stickers ya know?
Well it's way past my beddie bye boos time, not beddie bye booze like it usta be THANK YOU GOD. You all have a rockin' Tuesday. QUEEN....OUT

Lily~The Bunny Hop

2009-04-08T21:52:00.006-04:00

This darling little girl is my "step-Grandaughter" Lily. She is my sons niece. She would have been an actual step GD if J's dad wasn't such a POS. So anyway, I sent them an Easter package and in it was this adorable bunny that sings and dances. This is a short video her mommy sent me. I am THRILLED that she likes it! Enjoy. I sure did. QUEEN....OUT

Naptime

2009-04-08T11:08:00.004-04:00

I am whooped. I did go to my meeting last night and it was great. It always is, but I was wanting to stay home. I'm glad I did not. I had a nice talk with a fellow AA who is struggling. He is 75 years old and he is in trouble. He has had 2 motor vehicle accidents in the past 6 months or so and he is hooked on his pain meds now. OH for the love of GOD! This disease bites big donkey d***. He is a sweet man, I told him to call me anytime. I hope he does. So like todays picture says, I'm hittin the sack. It's my day off and I really need to relax. I just had a big ole bowl of mac and cheese and with that, I bid you all a buh bye for now. QUEEN...OUT

I don't want, so I need to

2009-04-07T18:13:00.002-04:00

Ever feel that way? You just really wanna kick back and relax at home but you have stuff to do? Well that "stuff" is my favorite meeting of the week-my Beach House meeting. My ass is draggin-Queenie is one tired girl. But I know I MUST go, especially when I keep trying to talk myself out of it in my head. This is EXACTLY the time when I need to get off my butt and hit a meeting. So that's where I'm heading in 15 minutes. A fellow drunk just called me and needs a ride, so there you go. I need to get him there and I need to open up the building and get the coffee started. Oh, and I just remembered-I haven't picked up any snacks for my peeps! So I"ll be going NOW! Y'all have a peaceful evening! QUEEN....OUT

WHEW!

2009-04-02T17:46:00.010-04:00

This is what I SHOULD have done right after I got to work today.

I woke up LATE it pretty much screwed up the day for me. I didn't get all crazy over it, but it caused me to go NON-STOP all day until the minute I punched out. So I forgot to set my alarm and I wake up and its LIGHT out which causes me to FLY outta bed and check the clock. Oh yea, I'm totally late. REALLY late. In my foggy stupor I hit the potty and think "Shit, what day is it?-Wednesday-my day off? nope its Thursday-yea I'm screwed." So I go into my sons' room and shake him awake and he whips the covers off and mumbles something and I ask him "What did you say?" and he says "I was hoping you weren't gonna wake up." So I think to myself - did he mean EVER wake up or was the little shit awake and hoping I would sleep late enough for him to NOT have to go to school? So anyway, he WAS awake and could have got me up, but he thought maybe he could get out of going to school if WE didn't wake up on time. NICE TRY kid. He was late too, but he did go to school.

Now, yes indeedy it was my fault for not setting my alarm. I get that. BUT-my job usually calls me if I am more than a few minutes late. This particular morning the co-worker that was there CHOSE not to call me. Fucker. He is a very vindictive person, and had a smug grin on his face when I finally got there. He probably thought I would get in a heap of trouble but this is what happened when I got to work. My boss saw me and said "Hey Queen-you made it in!" Yep he calls me queen. Sometimes he calls me the princess, and I have to correct him-"its Queen boss QUEEN." Then I show him my statue that I proudly display in my office.

I am very fortunate that I have a boss who KNOWS me and KNOWS about the vindictive person who didn't give me a courtesy call this morning. See my boss knows I am in recovery and KNOWS that I genuinely overslept this morning. Not like before I got sober and was late many times without bothering to call or explain myself-or lie to him. He has seen the positive change in me since I chose recovery and it's not the end of the world that I was late today. So all is well in my castle, now I think I'll hit a meeting. QUEEN...OUT

Beach House

2009-03-31T22:44:00.009-04:00

This is the beautiful home that hosts my home group meetings every Tuesday night. Can you see why I am always so happy to go?? I am privileged to have the keys to the joint as well. Who would've thunk I would be the key holder to such a beautiful place? Certainly NOT me!

This is what you see when you exit the house and look to the right. The sunsets are gorgeous. I was a bit late to get a really good pic tonight. But it's still purdy, ain't it?

Another view - it's finally light out when I get there so I am able to snap a few pics. Even when it's dark in the middle of winter you can hear the surf and just the best sound in the world!

It is absolutely divine having this site for our meeting. Soon we will be having a picnic before the meeting. We are going to try to do that often-a bit of fellowship before the meeting. Pretty cool. Although it is nice having such a beautiful place to meet, it doesn't matter where you have a meeting. Get two of us together and BAMMO - you got yourself a meeting. That is the beauty of this program.

Its About Time

2009-03-31T17:39:00.005-04:00

I am feeling so stinkin' blessed today...somebody pinch me! It must be a dream. Naw don't pinch me yet.....I'm not done feeling yet!

I just got some GRRRRRREAT news from a family member. She has finally found a way OUT of a VERY dysfunctional household. My dearest, sweetest loving sister has found a place of her very own. YAY. It's not happening till June-but I do see it happening. She waited for the right opportunity and it arrived today and I couldn't be happier. God is so good.

My son is doing well. I got a call from his guidance counselor today and he is doing much better in class. He is putting out a good effort and that is HUGE compared to the last update. He is doing well at home as well. Between the new med (Abilify) and the warm weather he is a new kid. We take his illness like I do mine, one day at a time. It is much more manageable this way.

I am going to my Beach House meeting tonight. I love my homies. I see them elsewhere, in other meetings and around town but this is where we all get together and it is the absolute best group in AA. If you don't think that about YOUR home group-find another one. We have a business meeting tonight and that is usually pretty interesting. Tonight we elect new people for different jobs. Last time this happened one member freaked out because he couldn't chair. He's calmed down a bit in the last few weeks. We shall see if "him" comes out to play tonight. I will TRY to keep my mouth shut this time. I said TRY. So, I shall blog atcha's later. Have a blessed evening y'all. QUEEN....OUT

Gratitude

2009-03-30T20:07:00.003-04:00

Not too much to write about, but there is always GRATITUDE. I go over my gratitude list daily in my head, and well sometimes that just doesn't cut it. I find it's always more helpful in my recovery if I write it down. So I am going to list it here today-BUT I need to do this more often and on PAPER. You know that flat white stuff we used to actually put that pointy wooden stick with lead in it on and write things on? Yea-I need to to that. So today I am grateful for:

My Higher Power

My fellow recovering alcoholics-TRUE FRIENDS! YAY

My Beach House meeting.

My boy J of course.

Both of us are in good health-with a few bumps in the road

The fact that I can DEAL with bumps in the road today!

My incredible job. I am so blessed. You don't even know the half of it.

My family, hopefully I will see more of them since its's gettin warmer out!

Spring-I absolutely LOVE this season.

A fridge/freezer full of food that we will never manage to eat (note to self-hit the food bank on day off)

Finances are in order.

A warm house for me and my boy, it's not perfect-or what I want-but it will do for now.

That I know God has a plan for me-and I just have to wait for Him to guide me.

Those who have come before us in AA, our teachers. God bless em.

That I have compassion for the sick and suffering. I will not turn my back on anyone who asks for help. EVER.

Oh and all of my fellow bloggers..you all ROCK. I will read ya later! QUEEN....OUT

No Fair

2009-03-27T19:36:00.003-04:00

I am feeling a bit melancholy-so bear with me here. I am feeling sorry for my kid. I feel sorry for him because all he has to do is hang out here at our house with ME. Mom. Big fucking deal. I think it's fair to say that he doesn't have a real friend. I think his illness prevents him from becoming close to any of his peers from school. He's not the friendliest person on the school scene. He keeps to himself in class. He is my baby and I could just bust out in tears at this very moment because he is so alone. He claims to like it that way (I do too sometimes) but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want him to be genuinely happy. I want him to have dreams and have goals in life-but he sees nothing but sadness. He can't see beyond this darkness. He feels that this is where he will always be. I just can't accept that. I will keep working on him. And his meds. And his therapy. And maybe we will see that miracle happen.
I called a relative to look after J when I go on my retreat in a few weeks and she said she could not do it-she would be visiting her sister in Georgia. This woman is the sister of my baby daddy. The woman she is going to be visiting in Georgia is another of baby daddy's sisters. I used to be BFF's with her until my relationship with baby daddy went south. Baby daddy has 4 sisters and all but one of them shunned me when I had him thrown in jail for beating on me. So much for women stickin' together. Blood is indeed thicker than water folks. I'm sure my drunken behavior played a part in our parting of ways. But were were besties and I miss her. I just found out that this trip includes my sons sister who just moved to Chicago and his niece who he misses terribly. He has been in a DEEP depression since they left right after Xmas. J's aunt and sister both KNOW how much this move has affected him. I hope J does not find out that they are all going on a happy vacation without him. Oh GOD please don't let him find out.

There are some things one should NOT brag about

2009-03-26T22:09:00.004-04:00

and one of them is this---that you just lost your job and intend on staying on unemployment benefits for as long as possible. In Connecticut, I believe its a year. Oh, and never tell your "friends" that your ex won't be getting any child support for that year. The reason is this-your "friends" may just be compelled to tell Ms. X what your dumb ass is up to. Then Ms. X might just call the Child Support Enforcement Agency and let them know that your worthless ass got "let go" again. Then CSE would gladly tell the Unemployment office that you have a standing child support order that will most DEFINITELY be deducted from your weekly check. Moral of this lovely little story is : DO NOT FUCK WITH THE QUEEN. Some people never learn.

GRRRRRRR --A letter to the Principal

2009-03-24T22:47:00.003-04:00

Mr Jones is the Special ed teacher who IMHO is doing a pretty crapilicious job of educating my son. I wrote a letter to the Principal-cause thats the kind of mom I am these days. Don't be dissin' my kid. Let us not forget how POWERFUL I am! Let me know what you think!

Dear Mr Principal:

I am writing to let you know that I am pretty upset with the Js' progress (or lack of). His progress report reflects the grades that we discussed at our last PPT. I was expecting this. I requested to Mr. Jones that I be made aware of any homework or missing assignments. This doesn't happen. Ever. In checking the Parent Connect website I see that he has many assignments missing or failed. News to me. I can see that he is working on his assignments, I go through his binder and I can see the difference. I requested to be kept up to speed on Js' daily progress, so far I have heard from Joyce Schmenk-which is greatly appreciated. I don't want everyone to drop what they're doing and cater to me, but what do I have to do to get a response here?
You may notice I did not include Mr. Jones in this email. The reason for this is that I am VERY unhappy with the way he interacts with my son. The problem I have is that he DOESN'T interact with him. If J doesn't feel like working-then so be it. He actually said this at our last meeting, if you recall. It has been bothering me ever since. That is Mr. Jones attitude and it is unacceptable to me. I have been very happy with the Resource teachers that we have had for J in the past but I am pretty much done with Mr. Jones.
I realize that ultimately it is J' responsibility to get his work done but he DOES have learning disabilities that Mr. Jones is supposed to be helping him with. I'm pretty sure its his job to help children like J and others to be better able to cope and manage themselves in the school environment despite their disabilities. Now if J is not doing homework or class assignments I should be notified, like I requested. If necessary I will forward a copy of the email I sent to Mr. Jones after our last PPT asking for this kind of feedback.
I have ranted enough. I would like a PPT scheduled at your earliest convenience. I need someone working with my son who has his best interests in mind.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank You--

Mommie Dearest

I hope I don't get a detention for being bitchy, I am sick and tired of this mans' laziness or whatever it is that is keeping him from working with my son the way he is BEING PAID to!
Thanks for listening - night all. Queen....OUT

The Blame Game

2009-03-22T22:15:00.013-04:00

One of you should buy me this shirt, cause I am one POWERFUL bitch.

Howdy y'all. Happy Sunday you buncha drunks. I have had an interesting day. "Oh, do share it with us Denise"- I think I heard someone out there shout. I went to work, like a good girl do. I work every Sunday (double time kids) since I am a responsible single mommy. Its what I do, even in my active days. I was usually a pretty high functioning alkie, not that I am bragging. I did however manage to keep my job despite all of the shit going on in my life over the years. I thank God for this every day. So anyway, I'm workin away and a co worker comes in an tells me my baby daddy just walked by. I thank her for the warning and get back to work. Well about 10 minutes later she pops her head back in and tells me he is out there asking for me. EEK. I really don't want to go out there, he creeps me out. He really does. Let me give you an example. The last time I actually SPOKE to this person, he called my cell and I hesitated but eventually answered it. He started to ask how was everything yada yada and next thing I know he says "Has anyone called you a cunt today?" OH YES HE DID. I kid you not, I was at a loss for words, he took me by surprise and I started to say something and I realized he wasn't there anymore, he had hung up. Now this is on a Sunday afternoon and he had NOTHING better to do than to call me and fuck with me like that. Sick I tell ya, SICK. So after that phone call I was definitely creeped out and I finished my workday up rather quickly and headed home, looking for him all the way home. It was probably just what he wanted - me to be scared and I was. How many times do we read about, or see on the news some crackpot killing an ex, their family, etc. That's all I could think was hes gonna get me one of these days.

About a week ago my son asked me when fathers day was. I told him and then I asked him why he wanted to know and he told me he misses his dad. He's only 13 and this POS (piece of shit) IS his father. My son doesn't really know how harmful he is/was to the both of us, I figure in time he will come to his own conclusion on why daddy dearest wasn't around all this time. We don't really speak of him, only that he is actively drinking and when he is in that state, he is not welcome around. So I -being the dumb ass that I am-left a note on his door (at least I think it is his door, last I knew) saying call me when you get a minute. I left it on the back of a business type card that has my name and number on it and a few AA sayings and slogans. Well I guess he got it cause here he was at my job today.

So I grab my cigs and cell and go outside with him to see whats up. I told him why I left the card/note and not only did he LAUGH at my card, he didn't blink an eye when I told him his son missed him. Hence, the handy dandy nickname I have for him-- POS. He did not ask how he is, how is school, NOTHING. He proceeded to tell me that he got "laid off" from his job. GREAAAAAT! This is nothing new, this happens to him quite frequently. I asked if he got laid off or fired. He says laid off and they're screwing him lalalalalala. Same old story every time he loses a job. So there goes my son's health insurance. Whatever, we are getting kind of used to that. Even the pharmacist comments when it actually goes through, "yep, he's still working-the insurance went through". Pathetic. So I can tell that he wants to say or tell me something. There is something he is dying to say, I can tell-I know this person all to well. So I ask him whats wrong and he got all choked up-tears and everything-and told me---------------------"You have RUINED MY LIFE" boo fucking hoo hoo hoo. Are you SHITTING ME????? I know I AM the Queen and all, but I had no idea of the POWER he thinks I have! I have the power to single handedly ruin a life, SWEET. He tells me "You called the police too many times and I just got turned down for a job because I have too many domestic violence charges against me." BOO FUCKING HOO . Did I force you to punch me in the face so many times? Did I force you to choke the shit outta me right after my mother died, so hard that I couldn't speak for a week? Did I force you to beat a relative of mine when he was too drunk to defend himself-almost killing him in the process? Did I force you to beat me in front of our young son, so he could carry the guilt around for YEARS that he thought it was HIS FAULT that his mom got hurt by his dad? Fuck you buddy, and your mother too. Nah not his mom, she only incubated and birthed the spawn of the devil himself.

I was kinda proud of how I handled it when I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of reaching through and ripping out his uncaring heart out via his throat like I wanted to.

He is blaming good old me for all of the wreckage he has left in his wake. It is what we alcoholics do, especially the active ones-we find blame in others. We never look at ourselves as a cause of any problem. I KNOW this because I have been where he is and I have found recovery, and that's what you all taught me. I know that without any kind of recovery in his future, that I will be the cause of every negative thing that ever happens in his pathetic life. I will pray for him and all the rest of the sick and suffering alcoholics out there. There is nothing more I can do.

Now where's my fucking t-shirt, hmmmm?

Sharing with the Boys

2009-03-19T22:43:00.006-04:00

Well, I'm home from our commitment. It went really well, considering I was a nervous wreck. I find that the more I share my story the easier it gets. Our chairman for the night was Kerry, the guy who wants me but will never get me (hehe). I usually tell him before hand whether or not I will be sharing or not. Last time we went to this treatment center, I told him flat out NO - I just wanted to get a feel for the place and maybe next time. Well tonight was next time. I didn't give him the thumbs up or down before the meeting started. He called a few of the other ladies first, who did a fantastic job. All I could think was -oh geez, I'm gonna get up there and sound like an ass now, compared to them! Kerry took his life into his own hands and called me up to share. He is a brave man. I got up there and OMG - it was quite humbling to get up there and tell 110 men my story. From what I heard from my group I sounded good, but I of course didn't think so. I didn't know a single one of them, so I figured why the hell not. Just get up there and do it. One of the men in our group told me afterward he was watching the "crowd" and I had their attention. They were listening, which is why we do this. Hopefully someone got something out of what I said. A number of them came up and thanked me for sharing, which was nice. One of them was so kind that I ended up giving him a bag of candy-LMAO. I was like ohhh, thanks for being so kind to me-Here you get a prize LMAO. He was grateful, they don't get too many treats where they're at.
So all in all it was a great night. One of our convoy got pulled over for running a stop sign on the way home and another sober friend called me because they got a flat on the highway on the way home from another meeting. I was sober tonight and I was able to help them out after I dropped off my carload at their homes. I didn't think twice about going to get them, because that's what we do for real friends today. When I was out there I wouldn't have answered my phone, never mind drive out and pick your butt up off the side of the highway. Hell, no. But I do these things today because I am sober. I will sleep good tonight, after thanking my Higher Power for keeping me safe and sober for another day. Cool. Queen....OUT

Men's Recovery Center Tonight woohoo

2009-03-19T18:02:00.002-04:00

I am leaving for a speaking committment soon, its at a MEN'S treatment center. I have been there before, but not to speak. I was just there for "support". I was intimidated by the 100+ men sitting there in a long term rehab. Yes me, intimidated. Imagine that. I remember when I was drinking I never had that particular problem! The more the merrier! This time I am bringing up some more females, hopefully that will help. Wish me luck! I will write later on how it turned out! Queen...OUT

Tardiness-

2009-03-18T08:09:00.004-04:00

I just got my son off to school. I dropped him off ON TIME today. Whenever I drive him in, he has more than enough time to get in there and show his face in homeroom to avoid a tardy. He's been late more times this year than I care to mention. I am usually at work when he departs in the morning. I call him, text him and all is supposedly fine-until I get the call or email that he was LATE-AGAIN. I am off today and I was here during his morning routine, and I tell you I wanted to put my foot up his arse. Absolutely NO sense of urgency. At the ten minutes left to leave warning, he still had no shoes on, no teeth brushed. UGH. Is this a guy thing? A kid thing? I can't figger it out! Even with me NAGGING (or so he says-cute huh?) him he is still on that one speed. I am not a great example, damn AA-I must be honest here. I usually leave for work in the morning with a toothbrush in one hand and applying hairspray and makeup with the other. But geezzuss-what's a mom to do. I told the school to just give him detentions, let him see how he likes staying late every time he's late. Well people, I just had to vent-I got a dentist appt in a bit, its for a cleaning but the filling I got a few weeks ago FELL OUT and they will be repairing that as well. Its on my FRONT top tooth, I can't lose that one. I have enough issues without having a big ole gap in my face-thank u very much. Have an awesome day you bunch 'o' drunks. Queen....OUT

What's up in Queens World

2009-03-17T23:53:00.007-04:00

It's almost beddie bye time but I thought I'd check in with all my alkies before I turn in. I bet you're THRILLED!

My son is doing MUCH better, thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.....You all just amaze me with your love and comments and suggestions. The prayers have worked, and the med changes have certainly made a difference. Thank you God! I was really afraid, actually scared of my own kid-and that was an awful feeling. I often wonder if I am doing the right thing-with the meds and all, but seeing him in such a state was quite an eye-opener. I think we are all just wired differently and some of us need medication to function properly. Pretty simple it seems, but its really not. There are the side effects, the stigma, the sense of being or feeling different than your friends. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but we are taking that a day at a time-much like my recovery. Thinking about it in small pieces like that makes it much easier to handle.

I went to my Beach House meeting tonight. It was awesome as usual. I have a friend there who is working on her 4th step and was so excited to let me know that her sponsor said when she is done with her 5th, she will be able to begin sponsoring. She is DYING to get her hands on me! HEHE. She knows I'm sponsor less at the moment and she wants Queenie in a bad way. LOL. How sick am I when sponsors seek to sponsor ME! I though it was supposed to be the other way around, but hey-I would gladly accept the help. She is right, I DO need a sponsor and I admire the way she is working HER program. I know that if I don't begin some serious step work I will be in some deep doo-doo. I don't look good in doo-doo so Step work it is.

Mr Jackass received his 10 year medallion tonight. Whoopdie-fuckin-doo. He was so ungracious that I coulda just reached over and slapped the shit outta him. BUT I did not, I congratulated him when it was my turn to share. I hope it sounded sincere, but it didn't feel like it when I said it. He is just a miserable fuck and I need to accept that and get over it. I was told to pray for him, so I suppose I could try that.

OK-Gratitude list and then Nitey nite:

I have an awesome kid, I can't imagine life without him

I have a job, car and roof over our heads

I have genuine friends

I have a house full of yummy food, which I am enjoying too much lately!

I have the coolest blogger buddies on the planet

Its almost spring-yeehaw

I am going on a road trip with my drunks Thursday night, to a treatment center-carrying the message rocks

My Higher Power

my Family

My new dew

bills are paid!

My warm blankie, which I am gonna go crawl under!

Night all, sweet dreams!! Queen....OUT

Relapse

2009-03-10T17:26:00.004-04:00

I have a friend who I have been trying to help. I think I mentioned him in an earlier post, just out of rehab, friend of my sisters'. Anywho-he has been out of contact recently and I assumed he had relapsed and I was correct. Sometimes I hate it when I am right. He finally called me last night and he was drunk but kind of coherent. He may not even remember speaking to me. Hell I would talk to all kinds of people back in the day and not remember a thing the next day. Memories.... Hell I sometimes do that now. Some aspects of getting older do suck. It's still a blessing that I am getting older at all. If I didn't quit drinking I know I would probably have died by now.
So anyway, back to my friend. He said that he is going crazy (you think?) and he want to come to the Beach House meeting tonight. I told him he is welcome, no one will judge-yada yada. It's true though. No matter what, you are always welcome back at an AA meeting. He kept going on that he has no one to talk to, no one knows his story, no one drinks like he does/did for the last 30 years. Yes that was probably his drunkenness blabbering on, but if he thinks his story is any worse than any of ours he is sadly mistaken. We all have our stories, our jackpots, we have all hurt our families, etc. Maybe he thinks there are special meetings out there for "special" alcoholics like him, I don't know. I told him to NOT drink today and get off his ass and come to the meeting. He is kind of shy, but he needs to get involved with some men in the fellowship and start the damn work that it takes to stay sober. Its a lot of work and no one can do it for him. So I hope he sticks around this time. I told him I don't want to lose another friend to this disease and he informed me he wasn't going to drink himself to death. Yea, right. Just like Jennifer didn't. I swear this disease is so powerful. I hate it. I hate it enough to continue to try to help those that are still sick and suffering and really WANT the help. It is all I can do, and I shall. Gotta go get ready for the best AA meeting in Ct. Queen.....OUT

What a Fucked up Monday

2009-03-09T18:39:00.004-04:00

Just as the title says, today was horrendous at work. WOW. And me without my emergency stash of happy pills. What a frggin' nightmare. I have been "chosen" to train a manager. If you want to be in management in my company, you have to work in every department and learn everything about that department. Great concept, but I have a routine people. I find it very distracting to stop and tell/show this guy everything I'm doing and still get all my work done in the time allotted. Its impossible actually. I am a bookkeeper in a very busy store and all I can think about while I'm doing all this splanin' is how much more work I need to get done before I depart for the day and I have this shadow lurking over my shoulder watching my every move. Have I mentioned that my office is kind of on the small side and this trainee has the worst breath I have EVER encountered? I worked with him a few years ago, and when he came into my office I would find something to do on the other side of the room until he left. Come on~He has since married and had a child and you think his bride would do something about this issue. For chrissake, how could she NOT notice and/or have him DO SOMETHING about it? Enough of that before I hurl chunks all over my keyboard. Good thing he's only gonna be here for TWO MORE WEEKS~serenity now, serenity now.
I also had this woman come in to the store to discuss a check of hers that was returned. She has got to be our star check bouncer~I counted at least 30 on record with us. She brings in paperwork from her bank telling me she got charged $20.00 for a check of hers that cleared on the SECOND TIME that we deposited it. The first time it did not. When your check doesn't clear you get charged-she knows this. She could send her grandchildren to college on the money she has wasted on paying bank fees over the years. She knows there is a charge and still continued to argue with me. I gave her $20.00 to get her out of my face. She was not taking no for and answer and I just wanted to be rid of her. Although, she did make me chuckle when Mr Trainee butted in with a comment and she looked at him and said "I wasn't talking to you, I am talking to her. Who ARE you anyway? Are you a manager or something?" hehe. He said nope, sorry. She told him he needed to mind his own business. She was feisty. But I was sooooooo busy and not in the mood to continue arguing with her. I know times are hard, but this woman has been doing this for YEARS. It was worth twenty bucks to make her go buh bye.
On a happier note, I reunited with 3 cousins on Sunday night. I found them on Facebook and we all got together. What a great time. We are planning a family picnic for the summer. A cousin volunteered his home (sucker!) and it will happen! We used to have one every year when all of our parents were alive. We all want to start this tradition again. I brought my son with me and he was able to meet some cousins(second)that he never knew existed and he actually got along great with them. My son doesn't take to new people to well and when he did it made momma a happy girl. The cousin that is having the picnic is in recovery and so is his wife! How cool is that?!!! I see his wife frequently at meetings, she's a sweetie and she was very kind to Jonathon and told him he is welcome anytime to come over and hang with her boys.
So I will go in with a fresh new attitude tomorrow, no sense in having the crazy check bouncing lady or the halitosis king ruin another day. I will not forget the magical happy pills tomorrow. Nope. Queen...OUT

Tuesday-just Tuesday

2009-03-03T18:09:00.010-05:00

Hey all, its been a bit since I've posted. I must confess, I have been spending WAYYYYY to much time on Facebook. Yes, Facebook. You all know about FB right? The site you post on , connect with people and they own you forever, yes that FB. But it is FUN! I like fun, but it is quite addicting. I have found long lost friends and more importantly FAMILY. I found many cousins and a few other family members that I had lost touch with. It's just so nice to see everyone. I'm sure they're THRILLED that I am back in their lives as well! How could they NOT be? hehe.
I am about to leave for my Tuesday night Beach House meeting. I absolutely LOVE this meeting. It's always so good to see my fellow alkies. I am "snack lady" and I will be bringing chocolate chip cookies to my friends tonight. I used to have a real job, coffee maker. I gave it up recently. We had to vote on new people for commitments and they usually just say, you still want coffee-right Denise? I usually did and I kept that job for 4 years. Yes, years. I needed the commitment. It kept me going every week, it kept me sober. I believe that it is so important to get involved in your home group. Get involved, meet new people, learn to give away what has been so freely given to you. This is after all how it works, isn't it? I can say enough about AA and how it has changed my life. I will be forever grateful to AA and my new friends. It's a bloody miracle, if you could've only know me then. Oh my goodness.
Gotta go for now....I think I will finish this post after the meeting and then publish it. So ta ta for now blogger buddies.....Queen OUT

Queen BACK IN! hehe..
GOOD MEETING YA'LL They always are. Lately our room has been full, which is a wonderful thing. For a while it was getting pretty slow in that room, just us regulars. Some were talking about closing down the meeting, and I told them it would go on if I had to pay the rent myself. Back in the day-like 1991-when I was first introduced to AA there were meetings everywhere and it was standing room only in some of them. There would be HUNDREDS of people at them. Now this town I live in is pretty much a small town and they still packed em in. Now we are seeing lots of newcomers, that's always a good thing. But it is nothing like it used to be, attendance wise. I shudder to think of why this is. Some have surely passed on, but where are all of the sick and suffering? I pray they find their way to these rooms. Miracles truly do happen in this fellowship.
OK, I gotta go be nosey, there are 5 po po cars across the street. Ima gonna go make some popcorn and watch the show.
Bye for now.
Queen OUT

One Word Answers

2009-02-28T18:10:00.002-05:00

Thanks dAAVE for this little quiz thingy. Since I have nothing to write about at the moment, this will do just fine!

Try this on your own blog, if you wish. We can all get to know each other just a little bit better.
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? nonexistent
3. Your hair? lovely!
4. Your mother? heaven
5. Your father? heaven
6. Your favorite thing? sobriety
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? kitchen
11. Your fear? fear
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? drunk!
15. Muffins? delish
16. One of your wish list items? house
17. Where you grew up? Connecticut
18. The last thing you did? cigarette :(
19. What are you wearing? uniform!
20. Your TV? New!
21. Your pet? dog
22. Your computer? Dell
23. Your life? sober
24. Your mood? good
25. Missing someone? nope
26. Your car? explorer
27. Something you’re not wearing? weddingring! ha
28. Favorite store? all
29. Summer? coming
30. Favorite color? Green
31. Why did you laugh last? company
32. Why did you cry last? son
33. Who will re post this? EVERYONE
34. A place I go over and over: meetings
35. Someone who emails me: Barb
36. Place I would rather be right now: meeting